April 2nd, 2024

I think I have run out of any inclination to update this website further. It is a dead thing, covered in traces of the past states of an alive thing. I am (probably) still an alive thing, a more or less different alive thing, walking around, having incessant treadmills of thoughts, occupying a self whose current qualities may be accurately implied by some sections of the website & not at all by others. Maybe I still think some concept with a section dedicated to it is very central & important. Maybe not. Probably not. Maybe if someone asked about a given one I'd say "sure" but otherwise wouldn't give it so much thought anymore.

There was a time when I had a lot of fervor about this site, a fanaticism about a perceived power I had discovered in the ability to write, & specifically to fix this writing somewhere where it couldn't so easily be lost or buried, as would happen on the blogging platform I would otherwise write on without really thinking about it. I also felt an intense vicarious need to create the possibility of actualizing whatever positivity might be randomly generated in the world from any thoughts in my head - just leave it all sitting somewhere & suppose someone might find it one day. I got it in my head that something I wrote could be important, in the same humble way an idle conversation at a bus stop might turn out to be important, & I became obsessed with this. I was also very fixated on the accumulation of some representation of myself that felt safeguarded against the passage of time in a way. This is a futile task though & I am out of patience about the way that "safeguarding" against the future is a labor that drains away from the present.

In the sections of this website that are full of writing I think I made a real big courageous effort (sarcastic) to constitute some sort of "self" or "personality," & you can glance around & see the results of this. I would probably be embarrassed by a fair amount of it if I went back & looked - maybe only some sections in particular, I'm not sure. Should you read any of it & should youtake anything away from any of it, just make an honest effort to be discerning about what actually matters & take only that. If some proportion of this website is nonsense, I would not want some past iteration of me to live here, frozen in time, littering anyone's heads with nonsense.

Aside from all that, there are, as you can see, still some links to some visual art & music that I made in the past. My present day identification with these things is also vague & confusing (though in the end I think I might feel the most kinship with the visual art ((despite it having always been what I think about the least)). These links' presentation & arranegment present something sort of false. (For instance, I am not really a musician anymore, nor have I been for a while, nor arguably was I meaningfully one in the first place, & in any case I am especially not one who happens to interact with Soundcloud.) I think I might even sort of regret centralizing my Internet presence to this degree overall. I am not sure. I think it enabled a more pronounced degree of metastasis of my split-off self who is composed of Internet traces.



But then, what is the point of these paragraphs up at the top of the homepage, really? If everything below presents a discrete self, & these paragraphs up here represent a slightly later self coming back to issue some kind of correction, then it's kind of like this self up here consists of nothing more than this correction, whereas the self down below is substantive, with all kinds of observations, opinions, & feelings. If someone went through this entire website reading everything on it, would it really matter if after the fact a notice were appended to it all stating that the person depicted had later undergone various unstated changes? I guess it only makes sense for me to be writing this notice to some hypothetical person who knows (of) me by the website but also knows (of) me by the present day, & its only aim might be some egoistic drive to "save face," or "explain," or "qualify," or "disclaim," to someone who the explanation would have any meaning to - I have no idea who. Someone who cares in the slightest about my existence? Or at the very least knows me as a thing with an attached sense of continuity, which I can harbor a self-consciousness about? Who am I talking to? Maybe I am just passing time on April 2nd, 2024, with a game whose rule is to fit words against each other until the thing they make feels satisfactorily self-contained, without any loose ends.

I have always used tumblr prior to & concurrent with this website & its username is ewaneneollav.

I'm Buddy