My hypothetical people

section 1

people or ideas written prior to the formalization of this exercise, & retrofitted as part of it

partly covering a span of time (#1 - #11 or so) where i feel my sense of humor was more vulgar or "trashy"

there may be some ones past this section which are also older ideas but
these are the ones i felt more compelled to chronologically section off


guy who lives in constant excited anticipation of a hunk of meat falling out of the sky for no reason that he could then eat


guy with an extremely gay posh british accent who struts around his apartment doing weird squats & calisthenics while he phones his local mcdonalds to intersperse his speech with weird moans & yelps as he asks them to make various preparations for his arrival later that day, which the employees actually do but he never shows up


guy who orders a new tv & constantly asks the people installing it difficult to quantify questions like "Hey, man, this thing got high specs, right?" ... "Yeah, but how's the image?" ... "Can it show me what I wanna see?"


guy who produces an in vitro fertilization documentary promotional poster leak copyright prosecution trial footage analysis compilation


guy who tirelessly roams the ashen dunes of the dead Earth, with seemingly infinite time on his hands the sky never changes, always full of dense, black clouds sometimes it seems to blend with the horizon, indistinguishable shades of grey, & he feels like he's gone blind he finds himself walking through endless fields where he can't make anything out of the grey haze, receiving no visual information, accompanied only by the sound of the blowing wind & the crunch & hiss of ash & debris under his feet, both of which he's long since gone numb to sometimes he can focus on the dust blowing around him, & sometimes he sees things in it, hallucinations, sometimes vivid, born out of his sensory deprivation sometimes he see half-remembered fragments of things he can barely recall, things which scream to him as representative of how the world is supposed to be instead of this these fleeting glimpses are his only source of comfort months pass like minutes as he treks across countries, exploring every inch of ruined city after ruined city, countless, invading the privacy of people long dead, poring over empty & decaying homes, offices, factories, hospitals, reading surviving tax sheets, books diaries, pamphlets, business cards, manuals, of digital cameras or heavy-duty industrial gantries or pottery kilns he swipes his hand across the adjacent spines of a collection of dvds, leaving a trail in the thick dust so that he can see what the residents of so many indistinguishable homes once watched he coughs, rubs his hands together, the sound of his dry, leathery skin rubbing, to remove the buildup of dust, gathering in the dry, peeling creases of his palms he wanders through darkened buildings of all kinds of architectural styles, gutted mansions, sturdy concrete huts, industrial facilities, military outposts exploring caves, mountains, gorges, & dead, blackened forests which resemble giant beds of nails blanketing the landscape he doesn't know why this is happening, or what happened, or why he survived, or why he keeps living on & on, with no need for physical sustenance sometimes he thinks about taking his own life he's had so many years to process the interminable sadness & loneliness & grief, of being left here after whatever has happened to the world he wishes he could remember but now his life has simply been like this for as long as he can remember he wishes he could at least understand he's come so close to ending it all, so many times, but he doesn't think he could ever go through with it despite how bleak & grey it all is, there's so much left behind for him to see, & so much time & freedom for it he is the last vestige of humanity, possibly even the last vestige of intelligent life, of sentience he has to keep existing, just for the sake of existing, so that there is even anything for everything to exist to he has to see, to know, if anything will ever, ever happen, in a day or a month or a century so he keeps walking, & walking, & walking in search of a bitch to fuck!!!


guy who works the desk at a phone repair store but when anyone approaches he just yells "DIE!!!" & throws a tomahawk into their head


guy who witnesses a physically impossible event & says "egad!"


guy who just kidnaps jesus after he returns & there are headlines saying "jesus kidnapped"


guy who only drinks smartwater & if you bring him a glass of tap he will slap it out of your hand


guy who spends six years gradually going insane as he obsessively tries to filter & eq a four-minute block of white noise millisecond by millisecond into being africa by toto, coming home every day & sitting down at his computer muttering "gotta make toto, gotta make toto"


guy who desperately wants to patent a new & improved kind of spot-the-difference book & sinks tens of millions of dollars of venture capital into trying to engineer a way to make them immune to people just crossing their eyes but he fails & goes into inescapable debt


calvinist work ethic guy who works in an amazon warehouse & agrees that the conditions there are extremely bad for no good reason but profusely thanks amazon for artificially creating very strenuous work days that keep his soul pure


guy who kills hundreds by crunching a whole watermelon in his mouth at a beach party & spitting the seeds like a machine gun


girl who likes to eat sheep stomach stuffed with deep fried blueberries, minced bread, & candied croutons, with sides of kidneywurst, kidney bean taffy, gravy meringue & freeze dried shark tongue with starfish burger, plus bubbletoast lined with oyster jelly reduction, paired with vulture pudding & cured incense. following this up with a small repast of pickled hog heart & breaded wolverine with a side of elephant femur gumbo garnished with aerosolized snail oil


guy who won't stop linking trinities of things. guy who asks you out of North America, Central America, & South America which one is the Father, the Son, & the Holy Ghost, & which one is a man, a woman, or nonbinary, & which is the red, green, or blue channel in the pixels of a computer monitor, & that you have to pick carefully because your answer will also imply a permanent association between the continent & the rgb, & all the other combinations, & he will involve your answer in various judgments of you. guy who won't be friends with you if you think Canada is the album In Utero by Nirvana or that In Utero is the bottom right point of a triangle & not the top point or that Aristotle is NBC


guy who says you can't be both vegan & anticapitalist because he regards capitalism like a singular superorganism that is alive in a more abstract way than animals & people, & striving to harm it would be unethical


guy who inexplicably always presses his phone keyboard suggestions, distorting the intent of his messages, & is always muttering stuff like "no thought, no will, no freedom, only subservience to gboard"


guy who walks around with a big jar of dill pickles tucked under his arm & splashes people with pickle juice whenever he shoves his hand in to grab one


guy who forces someone at gunpoint to seek out an internet-connected device, register a twitter account called "o9fuof4i9uouto8t9i," & make a single tweet that says "ahrrue0u9oetu8gt93yho8ruuiguiouoo4t8ur" at which point he lets them go unharmed


guy who reads all the standard fairy tales as a young child but forgets about all of them & also miraculously never encounters any of the biggest ones again clear into adulthood, & says, "i encountered this woman at work of the name, Cinderella Rapunzel, it- ...just struck me, the most enchanting name... as if from another world! something about it, it called to me, as if... it was like it knew some deep part of me!"


guy who calmly drinks a glass of milk then does the cabbage patch to celebrate that

section 2

august 6th, 2022: the beginning of formalized personcraft


person who opens up their web browser & navigates to their own blog while inexplicably saying "i'm gonna bag me a man tonight"


guy who devotes his life to killing anyone who rickrolls him in a kill bill esque fashion


guy who takes every yo mama joke he hears as new factual information about his mama


guy who instantly kills anyone who happens to use the phrase "as a matter of fact" in his vicinity


guy who only knows the word "blockchain"


guy who methodically follows the exact inverse of all traffic laws


guy who registers a twitter account then never logs into it or looks at the site but derives satisfaction from knowing that he has an account on it


guy who despises the metal numbers on houses that tell you their address but never does anything about it


guy who is unable to conversationally approach any topic except the artistic illegitimacy of william basinski's disintegration loops


guy who is obsessed with the futile task of constructing another living conscious human being out of soda tabs


guy who spends his full fifteenth year of life not chewing any food in what he views as an act of rebellion against society


guy who laughs extremely hard at every joke he hears while earnestly attempting to shamingly convince the teller of the joke that it wasn't funny


guy who spends lots of his free time in his local post office calling the workers stupid for being unable to route his letters to the proper addresses just because he refuses to write the addresses


guy who has never operated a gun & thinks you have to suck a bullet into it before you fire it


guy who has a dream every night about starting a food fight & is scared that one day he might actually do it


guy who turns into a traffic cone whenever he's confused


guy who gets angry at people for reading his t-shirt


guy who very committedly pretends to be a vampire but only around his parents


guy who fucks god to death


guy who thinks the human molar is the platonic ideal form of beauty


guy who is obsessed with critical theory but applies it only in the context of the running of the website tvtropes


guy who has to be constantly prevented from trying to make & eat a sandwich with two vinyl records for the bread


guy who thinks kfc stands for knights of the fallen crucifix


guy who pours immense amounts of time, effort, money, & engineering expertise into running miles & miles of electrical wiring through the living rock of a mountain range to some obscure inaccessible overlook so that he can install an electrical outlet & kill himself by putting a fork in it, for the ultimate purpose of confusing whoever eventually finds his body


guy who copies & pastes funny texts post from his tumblr dashboard onto his own blog & defends this with paragraphs & paragraphs of dense communist rhetoric


guy who tries to shut down the american government by putting a do not disturb sign on the door knob on the front door of the white house


guy who makes tomato pie


guy who crows at dawn


guy who goes gaga for gorgonzola goulash


guy whose home address is visible if you google his first name


guy who thinks bladee was a member of monty python


guy who undergoes surgical modification to become emo


guy who tries to run a wikia about his own scalp with a different page for each hair


guy who licks doritos clean then hangs them from his ceiling with fishing line


guy who covets a pearl


guy who starts a subreddit dedicated to a pseudoscientific method of carbonating beverages by force of will


guy who uses "toad" as a verb in contextually inconsistent ways & never defines it


guy who tries to log in to other people's accounts & just gets really confused when he reaches the password field & doesn't know what to type in


guy who pulls you out of a hat before a dazzled audience


guy who habitually examines his spine unable to determine an endpoint at either side


guy crying in frustration over his inability to induce arthritis in himself


girl who dies of sleep deprivation because every time she falls asleep she has really funny dreams that make her wake up giggling


girl who destroys her life through numerous acts of wanton self-destruction after deciding her life is ruined because she came home from work one day & found a turtle in her room


girl with a phobia of dropping a coat hanger


girl who chases a shot of vodka with an entire gallon jug of milk


guy who records a three hour single take video of him in his front lawn using several dinosaur figurines to reenact personal drama in his life


girl who dies the first time she ever snores cause she snores so loud it explodes her body into chunks bits


guy who lives a full lifetime without ever discovering or otherwise inadvertently using his ability to kill trout with his mind


girl who compulsively thinks of herself as "honey nut cheerios woman" without ever defining to herself what that means & would feel severely embarrassed if anyone knew this


guy who verges on panic whenever he remembers that the mona lisa exists


girl who is hypothetically addicted to being blown up by dynamite


girl who avoids using emojis out of an anxious belief that there is a finite supply


guy who desperately wishes that while he was on a walk one night the moon would crack in half & spill out luminescent fluid so that his life would feel less monotonous


guy who suspects his pessimism of playing a role in the chronic instability of his wireless internet connection


girl who has to come home from her hectic office job each day & destress by rereading the wikipedia article on rabies


guy who frequently registers sockpuppet wikipedia accounts in a devoted effort to create & maintain a page about his bed, which he calls "the crash pad"


guy whose day is ruined if he encounters the cliche of "2+2=4" being written on an illustrated chalkboard


girl who adopts a dog & names it her name


girl who is certain in a matter-of-fact & non-self-deprecating way that she would be at the bottom of a global leaderboard with respect to some characteristic but doesn't have even one guess as to what it would be


guy who refuses to wear any upper body clothing except football jerseys with his age on them


girl who wears rubber gloves when handling a can of energy drink


guy who thinks the milk used in ice cream comes from a specific breed of cow


guy who will learn about an entirely unfamiliar aspect of the world & make a post on the mandela effect subreddit about it having not previously existed


guy who gets caught at a social gathering washing his hands with rubber gloves on & gets really skittish & embarrassed about it for the rest of the afternoon even though no one is making a big deal about it at all


guy who wakes up each morning briefly imagining being cocooned in cool green tree leaves but totally forgets that it is a tendency outside of when it's actually happening


girl who is subconsciously filled with constant preparedness to begin chewing through her own arm were it revealed that there was something important inside of it


person who has an "artist - title" juxtaposition that they inexplicably find powerfully comforting & very committedly never listens to the song out of fear of overwriting what the juxtaposition vaguely means to them in a vacuum


guy who is addicted to formulating spectra


guy who is inexplicably tried & executed for naturally looking exactly like john travolta & being named "john travolta," & on the conscious basis of these two things rather than being mistaken for john travolta & receiving a punishment that was intended for him


guy whos corpse can time travel


big guy


guy who would become infatuated with any cryogenically frozen people he encountered or learned of


guy who moves to a tropical region after being told by an anonymous image board user that he will die if ever hit by a snowball


girl who fools you with her tricks


girl who strictly types ampersands instead of the word and


guy who prays to god every night that someone in the world will be killed by a falling girder




guy who has a spiritual crisis after witnessing a bird getting into a fight with a squirrel




girl who has never finished a sentence


guy who tries to tell you that he can be your angel or your devil but misspells "angel" as "angle"


guy who registers a bandcamp account in beyonc's name & uploads her albums merely out of a sincere interest in participating in the distribution of her music


girl who sprays a jet of blood out of one of her tear ducts when startled


girl with a high-paying government job who as a teenager ran a website which collated pictures of people's embarrassing & ill-advised tattoos


guy who cartoonishly goes "muhahahahaha!" whenever he tells a joke that someone laughs at


guy who makes the fast food restaurant employees solve a hangman of his order every time


guy who is a doghouse louse


guy whos get killed with a shovel over & over awesome


guy who is awarded a raw fish after playing twinkle twinkle little star by honking a row of variously tuned horns with his mouth


girl who saws her own leg off then loudly complains in an exaggerated valley girl accent about what she just did until she bleeds out, repeatedly making explicit reference to the fact that she herself did it but nonetheless possessing a tone as if she is right to be very indignant about it having happened


guy who any time he sees a manhole cover in the street says "aw man you know i got this!" & frisbees it at the nearest car windshield


girl who doesn't hesitate in tearing off the margin of a page of a book she's reading to write some info on it for someone if there's no other paper immediately available


guy who legitimately & permanently resolves a different chronic source of mental anguish or existential dissatisfaction with each object he purchases


guy who has lots of problems until one day when he gets on his computer & types "is not a broken person" between two asterisks


guy who undergoes radical personal transformation after reading a clumsily written decade old yahoo! answers question about love


guy who lives in the depths of the ocean & is constantly afraid of beginning to shallowly appropriate coral, seaweed, sharks, & currents into some kind of hokey identity that he can display to people


guy who does a psychedelic drug & says stuff like "i'm on the freakin' moooon, i'm in outer space"


guy who has spent his entire life conceiving of his mind as being physically located in his head, in accordance with the biological location of the brain, but realizes that this is just something he project subjectively, & decides to mark a new epoch in his life by mentally relocating it perhaps to his chest


girl who lives her life with absolute regularity, tires of this, makes her life consistently chaotic instead, tires of the homogeneity of the chaos through time, organizes her life to oscillate between order & chaos, tires of the regularity of that interval, reorganizes such that the interval between order & chaos is irregular, feels this tilts it too far towards chaos, regresses to a still more abstracted level of organization... (eventually arriving at maybe the ethos of minimal music composition)


girl who ceases to be hypothetical at the worst possible moment


girl who psychoanalyzes the ascription of masculinity or femininity to each given person hypothetical person for whom it is applicable


guy who reaches down from his throne of skulls & crushes your head between his thumb & index finger in a feminist way


guy who sits at an extremely dusty cluttered workbench & uses a quill to write absurd misogynistic diatribes in a leather bound journal with the title "On Women" embossed in gold on the front


guy who says "hear ye, hear ye!" when about to say some of the most phenomenally stupid things you've ever heard in your entire life


guy who is worried that he is slowly turning into God


person who becomes extremely fearful & violent at the suggestion of watching a "classic film" or listening to a "classic record" as if by some deeply ingrained animalistic understanding that they are categorically agonizing to experience


guy who solves an algebra problem & says "yeah, i'll go ahead & incorporate that into my belief system"


guy who has to continuously eat his own brain because it grows so fast


guy who sprinkles table salt on his table then laughs so hard that he dies


guy who wakes up each morning & gets in a racecar to drive thirty feet to & from his mailbox at one hundred fifty miles per hour


girl who names fruits before eating them


guy whos so unlucky he was born in an infinite hallway of conjoined adjacent ladders that he has to walk under forever but really hes soo super lucky cause the accrued bad luck never even catches up with him


guy whos so lucky that he is born in Hell but gets chewed up to death by a horror demon instantly so that he doesnt have to be in Hell


guy who spends all his free time sitting in his apartment staring uncomprehendingly at stock market data & occasionally nodding pensively as though he is at some point going to identify "the moment" at which to make a certain critical purchase


person who is ontologically a boyfriend


guy who one day pries a small hunk of asphalt from a blacktop parking lot on a hot day & eats it & from that day forward displays a marked change in personality


two dopey best friends who each carry a satchel of fake plastic gold medals wherever they go & award the other with a medal whenever they say something funny or awesome


guy who ran for president & gets so many votes that he won the eection!


girl who gets concussions every time a horse decapitates itself


guy who inadvertently inhales a single grain of pollen then pats his stomach & says "mmm, that really hit the spot"


girl who has spent her entire life preparing for bed


person who is so polite that it loops around in the manner of an integer overflow to being traumatizing


guy whos gaga


guy who is a constant process of nutritional expenditure & replacement & wishes his wife would stop bothering him & let him watch the freakin game


guy who subsists exclusively on dust which he "eats" by going to a corner of some dank old room & inhaling hard with his mouth wide open


guy who requires an extremely complex system of philosophical positions to produce his outwardly simple & relaxed character


guy who would hurt a fly


girl whhos';nt


girl who simply imposes order on chaos in a hubristic but ultimately successful manner


girl who determines with absolute certainty that reincarnation & the afterlife arent real & proceeds to make them real


guy who dies & kills you & dies & kills you & dies & kills you & dies & kills you & dies & kills you & dies & kills you & dies & kills you & dies & kills you & dies & kills you & dies & kills you & dies & kills you & dies & kills you & dies & kills you & dies & kills you & dies & kills you & dies & kills you &


guy who makes a tumblr post that says "*dies*" & gets seven thousand notes, all reblogs, all captioned "AWESOME.", all from people who are not coordinating to do this & none of whom ever click the notes & see that people have typed it previously, & all of whom take the post as a genuine representation of the op's actual death


guy who has a crush on the entity that he imagines grabbing him if he lets any of his limbs dangle off his bed as he falls asleep, but also still fearfully hopes exactly like anyone else that that does not happen & strcitly does not let his limbs dangle


guy who regards all people whose names start with the same first letter interchangeably such that he can only recognize twenty-six people in his life


guy who conspires to blow up the eiffel tower on no other grounds than that its lights are shining through his bedroom window & keeping him awake at night


guy who performs surgery on an idea


girl who somehow loses her lawsuit against a group of doctors who filled her chest cavity with foam packing peanuts, & in a way that can be solidly attributed not to any kind of systemic injustice but to her own shocking ineptitude


girl who is only metaphorical, in addition to being hypothetical


guy who has kerosene for blood & is constantly detonating & killing people all the time


guy who loves all music so much he gives it five on rate your music always until he gets really obsessed with having perfectly normal distribution of ratings & selectively conditions himself to like various releases less to varying degrees


guy who has a quality that makes him worth describing as a hypothetical person but his head is squashed by a cinder block that falls from an airplane before we can ascertain what his quality is so we just use that event as the quality instead


guy who has his first sexual impulse at age twenty-five & simply thinks "well i dont really care for it" & shuts it off by force of will permanently


guy whose multivitamin gummies are making him evil


guy who uses his computer like a long-ago sea captain screaming passionately & fighting with the wheel during an intense storm


guy who playfully calls you a sillyhead before grimly tearing you limb from limb for being a sillyhead


girl who can describe a normal chair in a way that makes people get so scared they lose consciousness


girl who was created by God to be pelted with handfuls of sand constantly


guy whos one sick puppy


guy who won a sick puppy


guy who want a sick puppy


guy who has a severe anaphylactic reaction to prank calls


guy who will kill someone for no better-substantiated reason than that they "suck"


guy whose most embarrassing secret is that once while his contact lenses were out he tried to flirt with the polar bear on the side of a coca-cola truck


guy who initiates a life changing conversation with a customer service representative


guy who finally sees past the endless treadmill of manufactured needs imposed on him by capitalism & reacquaints himself with his true desire of shoving hundreds of people into wood chipper & meat grinder fucking death fuck


guy who dies from choking on an mp3 file


guy who spends several hours reading through with a slowly increasing look of inconsolable fear on his face the whole time


fabric tycoon who carries out extremely unethical levels of deforestation but wins the hearts of thousands of young bloggers in the process by being very charming & attractive


guy who spends seven hours trying to wash water off of his hands before someone explains to him the futility of his task


person who just walks around


person named leonardo who paints such a most beauiful woman...


girl who keeps killing your boyfriends & it's so so so freaking annoying


guy who puts active concentration into mind controlling bed bugs in his room to come & bite him even though they would do that anyway


girl who has extorted thousands of dollars from god


guy who when first informed of his mortality says "YIPE!"


guy who keeps going to cemeteries & digging up human corpses but with such an air of innocent curiosity that no one can get angry at him for it & they just try to gently lecture him on why he shouldn't do it


guy whos superficial charms obscure the blood curdling reality that he likes icecream


girl who catches a mosquito on her arm & smashes a glass over its head before tackling it to the floor & crushes uts windpipe with her fists then drags its corpse out to her backyard & digs a hole in the dirt & puts the mosquito in & buries it


person who successfully spends one hundred percent of their lifespan having their upper back scratched lightly


person who everythings


person who vehemently dislikes capitalism not because of any of its harmful effects or injustices but because it is "weird"




guy who is the last sane man in a world gone mad


person who shows you their record collection & it's every one of the albums that youtube has sporadically recommended to everyone on the site sometimes & nothing else




up to no good


girl desperately trying with all the rhetoric & passion she can muster, sincerely, as if her life depends on it, to convince you to start walking around with a propeller hat on


guy wearing a propeller hat who crashes through the skylight of an office building dying instantly after having been the subject of an unsolved missing person case for ten years


guy who is actually misogynistic purely on the basis of the garden of eden story like genuinely he'd be a nice guy if he didn't think about the story & get really mad but as it staqnds he is just filled with virulent hatred


guy who is extremely smug about having died in unimaginable agony, & not in the sense that he observes a set of values which position dying in unimaginable agony as a status of honor which he might reasonably be smug about under that reasoning, but rather in the sense that he is as averse to such a fate as anyone typically would be & as such it is his propensity for smugness that he is taking to a point of irrational & maximally counterintuitive absurdity


guy who is the cream of the crop at separating the wheat from the chaff


guy who goes skydiving & realizes his parachute is broken but fortunately spots a huge haystack that he is able to maneuver over & land on but is unfortunately killed by a sewing needle the punctures his jugular vein


girl who wants to be the small dog that uncomprehendingly causes a multi million dollar industrial accident by functioning as a brief distraction to the wrong person at the wrong moment


guy who says "hip... hip... hooraaay!"


guy who googles "how to be a serial killer without killing people"




guy who thinks taco bell should have a new slogan that he came up with


guy who unhappily expresses a constant disciplined repression in his bodily posture out of fear that otherwise someone might think he is "on crack"


guy who murders you before he kills you instead of murdering you after he kills you


guy who inspires over a century of political & philosophical currents by writing an analysis of the functioning of capitalism that diverges from the fundamental assumptions implicitly made by existing economic theory in favor of positing its own set of fundamental mechanisms


girl who inspires over a century of political & philosophical currents by writing an analysis of the functioning of capitalism that diverges from the fundamental assumptions implicitly made by existing economic theory in favor of positing its own set of fundamental mechanisms


guy (mass noun)


guy who knuckle walks into old navy & who knows what happens next


guy who is a real mover & shaker in the concepts business, constantly repeating ones he has heard or synthesizing them into brand new ones


guy who develops an ai that invisibly generates & recuperates over six billion radical concepts per second & becomes a target of extreme vitriol from countless people who regard this as harmful to anti -estafb bflsighfndmio dh4hi o dui ;o ...... ;o ............ [CLICK]


guy who has a variant of the self preservation instinct called "the funny self preservation instinct"


guy who has spent his entire life saving up for a cool toy


guy who has a medical emergency when his guts all fall out of his skull down into the rest of his body


guy who has never spoken, who is finally goaded into speaking, who begins to tangle himself in the tangles of language


guy in college who raises his hand to speak during one of his lectures & confidently says "Him him him him him him him the the the & & & ,,,,,,,, .......... !!!!!!! tell telll tell him him him & & & &"


chair that is silent immobile inanimate & inorganic but craves sexual release


person who destroys beauty due to all the reformative obligations it implies with respect to them if permitted to continue existing


guy who can't remember if the early bird gets the worm or the bagel


guy who wins the nobel peace prize for inventing a device that can, without any subsequent benefit, electrically stimulate an insect to experience the frustration & ennui of a person constantly tasked with filling out stacks of uninteresting paperwork


guy who buys a roll of unfamiliar off-brand paper towels & discovers that they have an insatiable sexual appetite


girl at an expensive restaurant who asks her waiter (immediately upon his first approach to the table) if he has a tumblr account, hoping to send him anon hate for at least the next six months regardless of the quality of his subsequent service


girl who notices a guy enjoying his stroll down the sidewalk, pouts & says "that's no good!" before fully & rapidly disassembling him like an ikea product over the course of a second, his lifeless components now tidily organized in an array on the ground


guy who accidentally pours a whole mouthful of coffee down his windpipe but does not react & simply digests it through alternate means because he is awesome




guy who forces someone at gunpoint to seek out an internet-connected device, register a twitter account called "o9fuof4i9uouto8t9i," & make a single tweet that says "ahrrue0u9oetu8gt93yho8ruuiguiouoo4t8ur" at which point he lets them go unharmed


guy who successfully narrows his ethical beliefs to a sufficient point of idiosyncrasy that he is only friendship-compatible with one person on the planet, a man in Uruguay named Wilhelm Schendley who he never communicates with or encounters any sign of the existence of


a blanket beginning to show its age


guy whose conscious aim is to seek out & internalize as much propaganda (he says "propaganda") as possible


guy who swaps the first syllables of "unimaginable" & "unicycle"


guy who on april fool's day walks up to you & does a clearly forced angry face for about two seconds then starts smiling laughing & says "april fools!"


guy who is such a broken human being thoroughly ravaged by tragedy that he can no longer find in himself the energy to consolidate his web brand


a muppet baby


guy who would sell all of his earthly belongings for a single helping of oatst choat


guy who smokes marijuana then says "I LOVE BEING HIGH YUIPPPPUEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!|||||||||||||"


guy who hates anything that has a "controversy" section on wikipedia & loves anything that doesn't


guy who says he wishes he could right-click his brain & you expect him to follow it up with some additional computer function that sounds humorously relatable but that's all he wants to do


person whose dream is to some day use twitter


guy who goes against the prescriptive conservative norms which are prevalent in his community so as to act in his personal interest of having sex with other men instead of women


guy who constantly reeks but for reasons that command respect


guy who leaves his house each morning loudly saying "DESTROY..... ALL..... GIIIIIRLS"


girl who was a girl until she decided she was a girl at which point she became a boy


person who crumbles into lights


guy whose brain did not explode into sprode clont, please do not suggest that


person who doesnt exist but you can describe them anyway


guhy who wet flops wetly out of the ocean onto the sticking damp sand & lets out several terrible ragged raspy wheezes wet whereupon expelling its stomach contents before its stomach inverted entirely form its lips, & then dying, its eyes lolling, drooping as its whole form shudders & collapses around its unyielding bone structues. A SIGHT TO SEE!


"girl who observes or otherwise imagines very specific social phenomena & formulates a series of thoughtfully philosophical yet quaintly irreverent posts about them in an online chatroom so frequently that it seems to border on some kind of fixation or at the very least something she spends a notable amount of time thinking about every day"


guy who gets so bored that he walks far enough out into a field that he's sure no one will hear him & starts screaming at the top of lungs pretending he broke his leg then acting out the hysterics of realizing he's so far out in the field that no one will hear him calling for help


guy who is bludgeoned to death by someone swinging a single human molar with a string tied around it


person at a junction in their life between being frequently complimented by bland people who bore them, or frequently denigrated by people who occupy subcultural positions at least decently similar to theirs, but will eventually transcend this dichotomy


guy who entirely wins someone's heart by saying "baby, you & me go together like peanut butter & jelly"


guy who does gangnam style dance!! YYAAAYAYAYAYAYYAYA YAY I LOVVVE !! LOVE GANGNAM STYLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


God who giggles cutely & says "yay!" when people follow the ten commandments


guy who looks like fred durst who doesnt know your name or what you look like but has been determined since the day you were born to figure out who you are & find & destroy you


person on the beetle grind


for personal reasons i have declined to describe the person intended to be featured in this entry


person you buy an expensive gift for as a romantic gesture but they upset you by joyfully calling it "flatteringly flirty splurging"


default icon tumblr blog with auto generated url that posts nothing but one keymash per day & becomes a widely ridiculed online pariah among people flabbergasted at the mysterious & twisted rationale that might lead a person to decide they want to express nothing but gibberish


person who across all social media platforms allocates a single "like" to the best thing they've ever encountered


person who arrives back at their remote rural home to find a person collapsed dead on their doorstep clutching a note that says "grand theft auto vice city cheat codes"


person whose desire for a friendship or relationship, that would in a sense liberate them from loneliness in a way that would ultimately be very marked in the course of their life, exists somewhat at odds with a desire they would also feel not to regard such a thing in a larger-than-life way


guy who boards up all his doors & windows & indefinitely hides in his basement with a shotgun after hearing a single cartoon chomp sfx outside his door one day


guy whos two sick puppies


guy with a custodial job at some facility who at the end of the day tries to place his mop between a certain washer & dryer like he always does but finds that one has inexplicably been shifted about half an inch toward the other so that the mop no longer fits, & he immediately falls to his knees in tears & ranting about having to live in "this vale of tears"


guy who holds each potato chip he eats the way he would hold his lover at the climax of ecstacy


guy who forces you to think each distinct thought in your internal monologue with the words arranged in alphabetical order


alphabetical arranged distinct each forces guy in in internal monologue order the think thought to who with words you your


guy who drives around in his car listening to the psycho theme


guy who sees you walking with your phone out & raises a neodymium magnet so that your phone flies thirty feet across the room & explodes against it & ruins his face in a burst of shrapnel & he knew this would happen but he was committed to doing it anyway, with a sense of duty


the troll face


person trying their absolute best not to be spiteful even though everyone in their life including strangers calls them the denigrating nickname "dogwater"


random gas station cashier who in his last hundred past lives has consistently murdered the people you were in your last hundred past lives but it's genuinely just sheer coincidence & implies nothing about the present nor does it provoke any kind of psychic phenomena


tree that consciously thinks the word "thirsty" & nothing else as its roots sap water from a creek


guy who rubs his hands together evilly as he approaches two people on the sidewalk who are like a hundred feet in the distance, planning to say guess what to them & when they say what he'll say chicken butt


person with a preserved fragment of their 2016 mindset propagating indefinitely around the internet & playing a minuscule role in keeping other people to some extent stuck in that year


frumpy moppet


gurgle gerbil


dopey animatronic elephant that pisses you off by saying stuff like "gum gum galloh!"


person who wants to be something because they want to then want to not be it


guy who discovers the cure for cancer but fiercely keeps it to himself, administering it secretively only to those willing to pay him an exorbitant sum. it is only after he is visited in the night by a strange & cryptic beast that he has a sudden change of heart which to the public eye remains unexplained


person who expresses love through acts of deleting various conceptual boundaries


minimally entropic person who spends their entire lifetime orchestrating insane events constantly & meticulously & at a rate which fluctuates perfectly between tactful sparseness & near-excess


very kind & gentle human being who you'd never suspect of having inaugurated their condition of kind gentility merely a week ago & in lieu of a previous stint as a highly deranged online presence


guy who says stuff like "Very well. You leave me no choice."


person who is in touch with reality & knows the difference between reality & fiction & right & wrong but also their amygdala is partly a morass of highly concentrated fructose juxtaposed with first person simulations of killing other human beings & itmakes them think a little funny maybe


person ideologically aligned with just the general concept of cults


guy with a lisp that only applies to every other s


socially awkward girl who would like to see two men from a piece of fictional media have sex with each other


person who wishes to have sex but is incapable of doing so for lack of a sexual partner & takes actions in the interest of rectifying this


geico gecko who wants to fuck you


guy who bakes a loaf of bread for the first time & upon taking it from the oven & seeing it complete mutters "n- no, this is impossible..." & quietly retreats to his room, locking the door


person who finds God through microblogging


person whose conscious ethos for all their traffic maneuvers is to be "evil as fuck"


person who..nevermin im shy..


guy you devoured on june 24th, 2019 at 13:27:44.029 GMT


artist who exposes the underlying stuff


guy out of Pandora skips & justin bieber is playiy!!!!!!!!! NNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


cowboy who says "shoot no!" upon noticing you making a move to escape his torture dungeon


secret human


kid with a strong resemblance to pruane2forever who is devoted to devising & employing some means of blowing up your house at the behest of some urge which is not rooted in malice


ant that is aware of your existence


person who is like a horse in all the worst ways


person who smells like themselves


person who adopts & holds a belief & also an orphan


species that loves to love


person whos sad cause they think theyre ugly but happy cause they know theyre not ugly even though they think they are


person whose relationship to art is inverted such that, rather than having emotion stirred in them through its act of speaking to feelings & events they've lived through, they instead permit themselves to feel about various things in their life only after seeing them validated through the apparent dignity of artistic portrayal


girl walking around her backyard sucking on a spree candy


sun with sunglasses on


person whose discomfort with their own mortality stems almost entirely from the existence of a certain blanket with a texture that they'd like to run their hand across eternally


person outside of time who's about to break into it


sixty five year old washed up hyperpop frontman


guy who every night uploads a new youtube video of him breaking undetected into david lettermans house & filming him sleeping for five minutes


person whose existential angst was about to drive them into some seriously dark places until they saw the film everything everywhere all at once


really buff human sized version of timon from the lion king sitting on a park bench eating a turkey & american cheese sandwich on white bread while looking kind of brooding & accomplished


weatherman who is persistently disgusted with his audience for turning to him for the fulfillment of a desire that he regards as intensely hubristic


man who one day falters in a pursuit, thus damning him to Hell for inadequate zeal


person with a strong capacity & inclination to be a pretty genuinely manipulative & toxic person but this never effectively manifests due to their tactic of choice being constant personal threats of personal destruction by way of a literal atom bomb, which they obviously do not have access to


the very first human being to be born after the instant of the publication of this hypothetical person, who i, with my authority, limited as it may be, hereby declare a lifelong chump


person who gets fed up with trying unsuccessfully to reconcile their firsthand experience of being conscious with the idea of physical determinism & simply has lots of sex instead


person whose keymashes are done very quickly & by hand but always contain exactly one occurrence of every character on the keyboard


guy who finds love on a phpbb forum dedicated to discussing different models of tv remotes


cow with wheels for feet


person who would never kill me, the author of this hypothetical person


deeply sinister human being born on may 5th 1818 called "gnarled marx"


girl who pretends not to regret her mucinex monster tattoo


six figure salary businessman who stares indecisively at a blank notepad while lightly chewing on the end of a pen & idly making a regular clicking sound out the side of his mouth which gradually slows until he finally gives himself a slight affirmative nod & writes "vampire horror bat death"


guy lost & directionless desperately in need of an eye-opening series of politically oriented youtube videos


girl named Milton Babbitt


person who genuinely has lots of unique & insightful opinions but not on any topics that haven't been inculcated in their skull by social or traditional media


trans person who is befriended by another fellow trans person through a social interaction that is instigated by the other trans person's recognition of them as a fellow trans person on the basis of some aspect of their physical appearance when taken into account with their style of dress - this ironically causes the subject to become preoccupied with a feeling of distress, since above all it was their hope that their style of dress would have been sufficient to negate whatever characteristics might have made them identifiable, & now, at least for the moment, they only feel burdened by what, in light of this prevailing distress, only feels like a perceived obligation to experience gratitude at having made a friend


crazy guy who thinks the worst album ever is the best album ever


person who will unquestioningly enforce any rule regardless of its morality simply because they derive a kind of subconscious satisfaction from visualizing the algorithmic flow of any given situation when governed by a rule


person who thinks a social media post cleverly owning e___ m___ is more important than a stick in their yard that they might pick up & swing around for long enough that they become sort of attached to it for the duration of the afternoon


person convinced they can't enjoy simple things in life anymore because they use tumblr to an unhealthy extent &, consequently, a phrase like "a cool stick in my yard" feels myopically tinged for them with the same kind of mawkish & saccharine quality that they would project onto the phrase if it were, for instance, used in a positivity-espousing but also pungently reblog-attracting post by a person whose icon is a fictional character superimposed over an obscure pride flag


person who finds some whole new better unseen way that transcends all the follies of what they were doing before, but then, in their reasonable excitement, rashly participates in its commodification


girl who googles the string of fourteen numbers at the bottom of her heinz ketchup packet & ends up going down a seriously dark rabbit hole


girl who owns seven hundred dogs


person who unconsciously pre-decides on what day they will have a major epiphany that they are pretending to themselves to not already know, & even schedules the dates of several preliminary realizations that lead up to the epiphany


person who enters a new social relationship with the tentative hopes that the person in question will either be very nice to them or hideously cruel to them with the latter having the silver lining of articulating their "life story" in a way & possibly stimulating some kind of personal growth through hardship


person who has a highly specific irony in mind that they hope their life will come to be marked by - an irony that, if it did manifest, would have been highly unexpected had the person not happened to have formulated it in advance & contemplated it extensively


person who feels less like they are traipsing into the unknown with a sense of curiosity & blameless ignorance, & more like they have visualized every outcome they can conceive of in advance & therefore, regardless of what happens, they can never honestly employ an excuse that they didn't see it coming


person who sees the manifestation in front of them of one of the countless situations they had foreseen & proceeds through it very stiltedly out of a sense that fully embracing it would count as "complicity" in letting it transpire - they are scared that they could have "manifested" it & feel vaguely "machiavellian" for having potentially done so

the five above trace the outline of a quality that i don't feel i can do more in writing than trace the outline of, a quality that is also a reason i feel chronically afraid of myself


guy ejected from an experimental blogging syndicate after spending two weeks workshopping a post that ends up reading "reblog if u have been annoyed by A Man today"


guy who joins a group voice call beatboxing so fast that it causes you to become genuinely afraid & impels you to leave


person voted least sexy person to ever get eaten by a tiger


record label employee with a text file on his computer that reads similar to this webpage only it consists of musical acts whose fabricated lineups & biographies he could see hitting as industry plants


guy so . fixated on uncovering transformative . truths he never stoped to think about the . basic . ones!!


person not just content with mediocrity but engulfed in obsessive ideological devotion to it


stranger on public transport quietly experiencing a sense of pride at the self-control they are employing towards suppressing their urge to try to befriend you


person whose unhappiness is detectable in the timbre of their positivity & whose happiness is detectable in the timbre of their negativity


person who experiences a violent death as a natural consequence of getting stuck alone at a bus station with a Pisces


person who has to fight for survival practically every day of their life clear from childhood into their late twenties when they finally acquire a stable & comfortable living situation that permits them to follow their passion of constructing a fragmentary identity out of numerous acts of personal identification with elements of a media landscape that they have no real control over




person whos really smart but its pointless cause they dont use it to be funny


person who subtly incorporates the golden ratio into things constantly, so they don't have to make as many decisions


girl addicted to walking around looking through the wrong side of binoculars because it makes her feel safe & distant from her surroundings


guy who narcissistically lords over you the fact that he made the "ah, the scalene triangle" video & didn't actually make it


guy who has sex for no reason


Merrill C Williams, residence 1555 Mercer Street, Barron, Wisconsin 54812, SSN 389-32-8816, phone # 715-645-5505, born July 3 1943, e-mail username Cally1943, password iexei8OhG3, MasterCard 5576 0878 7341 9949 exp 9/2027 cvc 778, 6'0" 176.4 lb, drives 2005 Volkswagen Bora


Thing that chaoses constantlo


Mouse that just got baptised


the third Insane Clown Posse member who is cursed to be erased from people's memory during all moments when they are not being directly perceived


apple that learns to be true to itself


a marsupial with an apple for a brain


timid man named Chatroom


girl who has devoted her life to the general cessation of events on earth


guy who tries to learn about someone by asking "so what are your memories"


guy who regularly tells you in a chiding way what memories he thinks you should have, always describing highly specific scenarios that are often set in the distant past & would have been beyond your control




girl who mistakes some inherent discomforts of conscious existence as products of her specific circumstances & some discomforts of her specific circumstances as inherent aspects of conscious existence


incineration fanatic who casually says stuff like "incineration is life"


guy who calls good weed "squid"


"the last person to like this post"


person who would fill with motivation to clean up their room if someone would just come over & by doing so cause it to become an act of courtesy towards them


guy whose instantaneous teleportation into a gathering of his friends is always accompanied by an incredibly loud & unexplained high frequency tone that makes everyone fall to the ground covering their ears while he loudly says greetings like "HEY EVERYBODY HOWS IT SLAPPING!" in a really annoying yelpy falsetto voice


guy whose footsteps are gabber kicks




girl who cant maintain for very much longer the cognitive dissonance enabling her to ignore the sense that practically every piece of art she has sought out & consumed over the past decade has been intensely boring


girl who writes a long friendly-voiced tumblr tutorial on how to utilize a niche online resource that you've been accessing for the past decade which accrues seventy thousand notes & ruins it because it only functioned as it did in its relative obscurity


person with something in their life (be it a person, system, routine, habit, media outlet, belief, etc.) which cyclically causes them both distress & relief from that same distress


guy who listens to the classical station & every time a song starts he says "oh this one's a classic"


one hundred & two year old hungarian man who lives in isolation & subsists on a single slice of a bread dipped once in a dish of olive oil each day


person who will never encounter this webpage in any meaningful capacity but might unknowingly experience the tiniest ripple of some minor event which could hypothetically be traced through a mild butterfly effect back to someone reading one of the entries


five year old child on a hoverboard being pulled along by a two year old child wearing a backpack leash


guy who loves hope so much that if you lose hope he instantly just KILLS you


guy calmly trying to decide if he should be transphobic or not by spending days watching back-to-back youtube video essays that espouse viewpoints which are alternately supportive or critical of trans people but ultimately equally shallow in their discursive styles


guy who accidentally takes melatonin instead of his morning pills & goes back to sleep with a comically defeated kind of mindset


human being appreciating the osund of the rain, taking shelter beneath the cap of an ordinary forest mushroom. (Now infer from this data their stature. & you will find quite a surprise)




guy who thinks what you just said was so incorrigibly stupid that he says "um. bye bye!" plants his hand on top of your head & rapidly pushes you vertically straight down into the dirt all the way fully buried & you're just gone


girl who hasn't backed up the contents of her hard drive


person who only pretends to be exactly who you want & need in your life, yet by doing so also displays, through their visible understanding of that model, an implicit necessary understanding of you which tragically could allow them to be a uniquely positive presence in your life if they only displayed it in a more sincere & well-intentioned way


guy whose yo mama jokes are so unfunny that they send people into depressive episodes


gutter-rutting fuck


mean ol' peck hen


guy who dies of hypothermia insise an active cremation oven because he's insane


girl who spontaneously transcends her humanity in the middle of a Twitch stream & is seen calmly exiting her house never again to re enter the public eye


biologically communist person


guy who goes around leaving what appear to be evangelically distributed cds of recorded sermons but they just have ransomware on them


person who speaks the way the people spoke in a movie they once watched where the people spoke like real people instead of the way people speak in other movies


girl visited in her dreams every night by the same hypothetical person who begs her to describe them in full detail on the webpage




guy who has speakers in his house constantly playing a collage of the scary maze game scream, tornado sirens, the eas test sound & numbers stations


guy who spots a raccoon during his afternoon walk & begins inexplicably resenting it so much just for being born that his heart stops


person who doesn't unshackle their inner humanity until age forty-five but at least it did get done, even if they can never get all that time back


guy who hears of the store chain Dollar Tree & says, "my God! unashamedly in their name alone they proclaim their identification with the dollar... Towards which dark fate does this world speed us along unmercifully?"


guy who goes to e3 in 2022


guy who is consciously grateful for his ability to send vague & critical anonymous messages to people because he has an elaborate belief about how the ability to purely inject the right carefully chosen idea into a person's head, without the constraints of tethering it to an identity or bogging it down with the opportunity for dialogue, has a specific communicative utility that he wouldn't be able to exert otherwise - an ability to provoke introspection, obliging the recipient to simply decide for themselves if the accusation holds any water


person in a regrettable self-imposed friendship with the only 4chan user in their city due to a need to relate to anyone on the basis of highly internet-centric personal development, for which that friendship is the only option


the Absolute, also known as God, The (Unconditioned) Ultimate, The Wholly Other, The Supreme Being, The Absolute/Ultimate Reality, The Ground of Being, Urgrund, The Absolute Principle, The Source/ Fountain/ Foundation/ Well(spring) of Reality, The Center of Being, The Ultimate Oneness/Whole, The Supreme Soul, The Supreme God of The Universe, the unknowable, & other names, titles, aliases, & epithets - the thing, being, entity, power, force, reality, presence, law, principle, etc. that possesses maximal ontological status, existential ranking, existential greatness, or existentiality. In layman's terms, the greatest, highest, "truest", or most sublime being, existence, or reality.


guy who says "now, don't get it twisted,"


person loved & respected by those around them for all the kind & considerate things they do, but inside they loathe themselves for how much they do towards maintaining what they regard as only the appearance of kindness, with each positive consequence of their actions being only a coincidental byproduct of their goal of maintaining this appearance, & because of this each kind act that they perform only diminishes their self-approval


God that sends you to Hell for constructing your identity out of the wrong music


person who misses a spironolactone dosage & immediately begins talking like an Italian mobster


guy who greets his dog every morning by going WAZZAAAAAP


guy who grins evilly for no reason after saying something like "i'll save my burger for tomorrow"


guy who calls up the classical station to request the darth vader theme


person who spends an infinite amount of time performing infinitely many infinitely evil actions & infinitely many infinitely righteous actions simultaneously, producing an overall moral greyness, before tiring of this & deciding to begin constructing meaning through the tactical division of physical, conceptual, & temporal space, much in the same way as the division of physical space by the arrangement of walls in a building upon the flat expanse of the earth can mold that expanse into places of special & secluded or expansive feeling. (or much in the same way as missing someone for just the right amount of time might only bring about a greater net joy with the relief of seeing them again)


tumblr user who wants whoever is trying out their philosophy essays on the hypotheticalpeople account to stop & is also disemboweled & devoured in their bed by scorpions


individual who will only pass along posts which lack that fifth glyph, & for all occasions that this condition is not had this individual will pass along nothing


guy who gives it the ol college try, inadvertently resulting in mass destruction & loss of human life


guy who does the ally oop aaand hes dead


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guy who says "you're beginning to bug me"


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non-girlfriend who girlfriends (verb)




person filled with hyperactive orgasmic glee by the idea of time theft


guy who redesigns one of his local mcdonald's locations, who develops his own aesthetic vision for the layout & design of a single specific mcdonald's location & employs violence toward making it real


girl who lets her lack of faith in a profit-driven food industry to provide genuine nutrition placebo effect her into a feeling of perpetual malaise




two year old whose Adonis, Cinderella, Don Juan, Electra, father, God, hero, Icarus, inferiority, Jonah, Laius, Madonna-whore, martyr, Medusa, messiah, Napoleon, Oedipus, Ophelia, persecution, Peter Pan, Phaeton, superiority, & Superman complexes all exist in a perfect equilibrium that allows him to be normal & display or feel none of them


gnome who is very vocally indifferent about issues that you think are important


guy who the music he listens to is so bad that you immediately react by choking down a sob & he asks what that sound was & you say it was a hiccup that came out weird then realize that because you went with hiccup as your lie you have to pretend to hiccup at least several more times


the most avant garde member of a 2015 "soundclown" scene who has since gone on to more compelling artistic heights without losing their unpretentious sensibilities


guy who sends his son a letter that says "alas, your conduct has consisted merely in disorder, meandering in all the fields of knowledge, musty traditions by sombre lamplight; degeneration in a learned dressing gown with uncombed hair has replaced degeneration with a beer glass. & a shirking unsociability & a refusal of all conventions & even all respect for your father. your intercourse with the world is limited to your sordid room, where perhaps lie abandoned in the classical disorder the love letters of a Jenny & the tear-stained counsels of your father. ... & do you think that here in this workshop of senseless & aimless learning you can ripen the fruits to bring you & your loved one happiness? ... as though we were made of gold my gentleman son disposes of almost 700 thalers in a single year, in contravention of every agreement & every usage, whereas the richest spend no more than 500"


guy who has just gone evil from smoking so much evil dope & making so much evil thug stacks


guy who is in real deep in that he has like six different forms of torture that he'd consider it "hedonistic" to cease imposing on himself


guy whos lost in the sauce


person who decides early in life that as an experiment they will pretend to uniformly detest any media produced in 1997 & fabricate explanations as to why they dislike it, but be more impartial about media produced in any other year, to see if anyone in their lifetime will ever notice this pattern


freakish person who identifies with normality




person whose body generates food that they can eat


person who meditates on a hillside for seven days & comes to the realization that since aesthetic preference is a very wishy washy intangible thing they can pretend to dislike all art that depicts categories of people they don't like while consistently having the plausible deniability of attributing it to impartial strictly artistic preference where any such trends are only by coincidence


blood, the sapient blood of a single person in human history whose blood was sapient but the blood is noncommunicative & is not capable of behaving in any way distinct from a normal body of blood so the person whose blood it is never notices but the blood does think about things & this is just a quiet reality for the duration of the person's lifespan


person who is granted one wish by a deity & sees an unparalleled altruism & self-sacrifice in, rather than putting it towards selfish ends, instead using it to redistribute the global economy so that there are still rich & poor people & people in between but now each group consistently holds exactly one third of the human population


An old goat & donkey are spending their lives peacefully out in the open. They are unsure of any of the rules & are loyal to none but themselves.


"guy who owns a company who produces a processed food product that doesn't have sugar listed in the ingredients, but upon being tested by a standards agency it is found that there is sugar in it; upon threats of legal action and regulation he tells them 'everyone loves a bit of sugar' and the standards agency sees his point of view and allows him to carry on"

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At we offer 500 senteces for you to take inspiration from.


trans woman who is the only person in history born with an anomalous "pronoun structure" in her brain which forces her to use he/him pronouns even after transitioning & she has to get it surgically removed


guy who is desperate to obtain a vhs tape containing pornography. he blunders across the surface of the earth like a rat in a maze in pursuit of this single minded goal, living his years. alpng the way he witnesses beauty, & pain too. yet uncaring fate wills that all that lies for him along this road in the end is a swift & completely random destruction


girl who can't see the forest for the trees but personally worries that if she could see the forest sh'’d just end up not seeing the continent for the forests, & as things stand she worries that she might be not seeing the trees for the ridges in their bark


guy who finds some reason to say "MUHAHAHAHAHA" in the midst of trying to be sexy

i think i started to really kind of lose my groove with these for a while i think there's some sucky ones. they became way more "tumblr jokes" than i can usually stand. there are two i couldn't even stomach inckuding on this webpage


super sexy woman who looks like Megan Fox!


bus driver who each morning gets in his bus & waits to accrue a full bus of people before accelerating from zero to ninety in one second & slamming into the same brick wall positioned directly ahead causing the bus to explode into a fireball of burning wreckage which he crawls from as the sole survivor before weakly staggering ten miles home & collapsing asleep into his bed to repeat all of this the next morning


guy who just had his first exposure to anti capitalist sentiments & applies for a job at amazon bent on destroying it from the inside out


toddler who upon realizing that they are a corporeal entity whose physical presence impedes the movement of others proceeds to stand in front of fire exits at every opportunity they get


guy who comes home from work & watches tv all day not because he enjoys it & feels he deserves a day of leisure after his toil but rather because he despises it & feels it is the suffering he deserves because he thinks he is a terrible person


person who has learned how to make their computer only ever show them things that are earnestly beautiful


guy who loves cow milk


guy who has been a piano teacher for a couple decades & harbors a familiar personal love for the hesitant & repetitive types of sequences of notes played by students while they practice, despite him still regarding these as "incorrect"


guy who comes home from work each day, gets on, invariably convinces the first person they connect with to drop everything & radically alter the course of their lives then closes the website for the day


guy who likes to run up & push people into a big dirt hole in the ground where they indefinitely join all the other people pushed in prior & he stands at the top saying stuff like "you all safe here. me go find food for give you!"


guy whimpering like an excited baby pig in anticipation of destroying your conputer


middle school age child who says he is going to be a video game tester when he grows up so he can get paid to play video games all day


guy unhealthily obsessed with the word "obsession," just that word & nothing else not even the concept of obsession that the word refers to but nonetheless it is to an extent that is kind of really impeding his life


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guy with no functional use-mention distinction so he thinks everyone is just saying lists of individual words for him to think about rather than sentences


guy who has a side of his bed that he wants to be on when he wakes up & if he doesn't then he is mad for the whole day


guy whose entire psychology is visible in whatever sentence he says




republican lawmaker in 2041 who made a vaporwave album when he was seventeen


girl who has developed a synthetic metatheory to place a wide diversity of theories & models into one single framework on the basis of a "spectrum of consciousness" from archaic consciousness to ultimate spirit, presented as a developmental model. the model is based on development stages as described in structural developmental stage theories; various psychic & supernatural experiences; & models of spiritual development. her AQAL (All Quadrants All Levels) model, extends this with a grid with four quadrants (interior-exterior, individual-collective), synthesizing various theories & models of individual psychological & spiritual development, of collective mutations of consciousness, & of levels or holons of neurological functioning & societal organisation, in a metatheory in which all academic disciplines & every form of knowledge & experience fit together. her framework consists of four fundamental concepts & a rest-category: four quadrants (interior-exterior, individual-collective), several levels & lines of development, several states of consciousness, & "types", topics which don't fit into these four concepts. it is one of the most comprehensive approaches to reality, a metatheory in which all academic disciplines & every form of knowledge & experience fit together coherently. "levels" are the stages of development, from pre-personal through personal to transpersonal. "lines" are lines of development, the several domains of development, which may process uneven, with several stages of development in place at the various domains. "states" are states of consciousness; persons may have a terminal experience of a higher developmental stage. "types" is a rest-category, for phenomena which don't fit in the other four concepts. the individual building blocks of her model are holons, which means means that every entity & concept is both an entity on its own, & a hierarchical part of a larger whole. holons form natural "holarchies", like Russian dolls, where a whole is a part of another whole, in turn part of another whole, & so on. in order for an account of the Kosmos to be complete, it must include each of these five categories. only such an account can be accurately called "integral," & AQAL is one suggested architecture of the Kosmos. her framework has a four-quadrant grid with two axes, namely "interior-exterior," akin to the subjective-objective distinction, & "individual-collective." the left side (interior) mirrors the individual development from structural stage theory, & the collective mutations of consciousness from Gebser. the right side describes levels of neurological functioning & societal organisation. she uses this grid to categorize the perspectives of various theories & scholars: interior individual perspective (upper-left quadrant) describes individual psychological development, as described in structural stage theory, focusing on "I"; interior plural perspective (lower-left) describes collective mutations in consciousness, as in Gebser’s theory, focusing on "We"; exterior individual perspective (upper-right) describes the physical (neurological) correlates of consciousness, from atoms through the nerve-system to the neo-cortex, focusing on observable behaviour, "It"; exterior plural perspective (lower-right) describes the organisational levels of society (i.e. a plurality of people) as functional entities seen from outside, e.g. "They." each of the four approaches has a valid perspective to offer. the subjective emotional pain of a person who suffers a tragedy is one perspective; the social statistics about such tragedies are different perspectives on the same matter. all are needed for real appreciation of a matter. all four perspectives offer complementary, rather than contradictory, perspectives. it is possible for all to be correct, & all are necessary for a complete account of human existence. each by itself offers only a partial view of reality. modern western society has a pathological focus on the exterior or objective perspective. such perspectives value that which can be externally measured & tested in a laboratory, but tend to deny or marginalize the left sides (subjectivity, individual experience, feelings, values) as unproven or having no meaning. this is a fundamental cause of society's malaise, & the situation resulting from such perspectives is "flatland". the model is topped with formless awareness, "the simple feeling of being," which is equated with a range of "ultimates" from a variety of eastern traditions. this formless awareness transcends the phenomenal world, which is ultimately only an appearance of some transcendental reality. the AQAL categories - quadrants, lines, levels, states, & types - describe the relative truth of the two truths doctrine of Buddhism




a man standing near the top of a grated metal stairwell finds himself salivating at the thought of a dinner of herb roasted chicken. unbeknownst to him, situated on a scaffolding directly below the steps on which he stands is an intricate set of bells & chimes. a drop of his saliva slips through the step below & strikes one of the bells, which rings vibrantly. this causes the man to salivate more intensely as he recalls additional meals. he does not understand what is happening but opts to stand in place, hoping that the phenomenon will endure & he will be reminded of further pleasures. this leads to a corresponding increase in drops of spit striking the bells, & the feedback quickly builds to a fever pitch until it cancels itself out once there is essentially a waterfall of saliva spilling from his mouth, which does not strike & ring the bells but only douses them in a continuous flow. here the flow naturally lets up until it reaches its most active but discontinuous stage, at which point it triggers itself to become continuous again, & this oscillation carries on indefinitely

spontaneously, the desire to be directed by more than just his lust & his longing for the joys of his past begins to gently take shape, small & fragile, in his mind. he hasn't the faintest idea of what to do next, but his brain tells his feet that it would surely be lucrative to begin taking steps forward & seeing where that takes us. hesitantly he does this. his foot slips instantly from the spit-soaked metal & sends him tumbling mercilessly down the hundred steps ahead of him. at the bottom he slams into a large metal tank of volatile gas which ruptures & detonates, destroying the entire six-story building he is in






girl who doesn't want anyone she knows exists to know that she knows that they exist


wallace wabbit


guy who is extremely nervous about the idea that the earth won't remain habitable long enough for his posthumous cult following to manifest


girl whos sad cause she feels like everyone just wants to be friends with her because her name is pickle


guy who asks the bartender for an episode of television


girl who satirizes the zeitgest


girl who has a mental illness that makes her think jokes are funny


mediocritan somnambulac


guy who can eat food & not get sick no matter how long its been left out & explains this simply as being "careful" as he eats it


trans woman who calls her breasts “the boys”


man/woman who is not simply a man/woman as happenstance alternative to being a woman/man but is, rather, the explicit opposite of a woman/man


guy who reads about the Milgram experiment & does not take away from it the idea that authority can easily induce evil in ordinary people, but rather he becomes obsessed with the perceived wickedness of the specific participants who did the shocking & devotes his life to identifying & destroying them


a very timid guy who would just like to be left alone & likes to wear a t-shirt with a very grittily textured monochrome shredded up american flag that looks like a skull


guy whose distinctly effeminate characteristics are nonetheless a manifestation of his alignment with normative masculinity, in that he wants to masculinely display his fortitude by not conforming to the more surface-level masculine expectations, precisely because that's what he'd like to do, so he filters the entire scope of those expectations through the specific expectation of self-denial, i.e. denies himself masculinity, hoping to display his fortitude by showing that he can endure subjecting himself to the most extreme masculine taboo of just being outright feminine


girl who upon having it explained to her what food is and how she has to eat it to live says "i bow to no master"


journalist with a folder on his computer containing tons of particularly haggard photos of public figures so that if he ends up having to write an article about any of them getting outed for anything he'll have a picture ready to put at the top of it


french musician Klimperei


guy who obsessively sends you fan mail addressed not to you but to a stuffed animal that you own


your brain


turtle whose shell doubles as a functioning flash drive containing the full 2pac discography


guy who knows only how to avoid pain dating a girl who knows only how to pursue pleasure


guy who drives as if there are no traffic lights, signs, lines on the road, laws, or other cars & says "i just try to drive the car & not worry too hard about it"


talking squirrel who says "whatta you, nuts?"


guy who will nail ninety-five theses to your front door about literally anything


torpid codger


man who in his entire life has never interacted with any other human beings except on the phone & has never called anyone who is not a Verizon customer service representative


guy who hears voices, a hundred different ones to be exact, all of whom are just other hims without variation in character or intent & who all only express mild-mannered agreement with whatever he was already thinking


boy who thinks his girlfriend should make her statements sound less prescriptive by prefacing them with "i think..." or "i feel..." & his girlfriend who refuses to do this on the grounds that it is self-evident that whatever she claims can only stem from her own thought or feeling


person who behaves very typically but revels perversely in a villainous sense of being a willfully terrible person, due to their unremarkable behavior being a step down from very stringent standards of behavior that they held themselves to in the past


girl whose handwriting is times new roman


major label rapper you've never interacted with in any capacity who ruins your life by mentioning your full name, address, & contact info in the lead single to a highly anticipated album for seemingly no reason beyond completing a bunch of internal rhymes


guy who relays all scheduled times like "it'll be Wednesday at five, funny baby permitting"


guy who obtains a funny baby permit for status rather than honor


guy who invented ticks & wasps hoping with a beating loving heart his enventions would bring you pleasure


therapist who patiently listens to a person for an hour as they detail a pivotal experience in their life before replying "i'll take 'shit that never happened' for five hundred, alex!"


guy who feels separation anxiety about 'Oumuamua


user of a film or music rating website who reads the wikipedia page about a work & then rates it based on what they read, never having any thoughts of how others might be instead approaching the activity or that their own way of doing it might be missing the point in some way


guy who is irrationally & shamefully convinced he possesses some highly specific wicked trait, & also actually has a nemesis who is a person that has also become convinced with equal (or greater) irrationality & great retributive zeal that he has that trait


girl who scares people away by trying to speedrun personal openness by telling them what some of the absolute worst intrusive thoughts she gets are


person who sits at their computer with thirty browser tabs open downloading pictures of toys off of ebay while smoking cigars & cackling like a middle aged man from the bronx who's wheeling & dealing on the stock market


guy whose life is ruined by having the trolley problem explained to him - a deeply lost & upset look slowly comes over his face & he retreats into his bedroom to ruminate, never to reemerge


girl who tries meditation but it just causes her to tangibly experience the feeling of being crushed in the center of a giant ball of rusty bobwire so she doesn't do it after that


the itsy bitsy spider


guy terrified of the idea of capitalism refining itself to a point that there ceases to be any inherent problems with it & it is wholly & sincerely desirable & pleasant to live under for himself & everyone else, as this would truly quash all interest in overcoming it & thus make it truly unstoppable


girl who responds to your insult by, without even anger or spite, writing a long socioanalytic text which gives unbiased & highly novel description to a social disease that is represented by the insult & your inclination to deliver it


guy who abruptly sends you a rich text format file containing a three thousand word apology for thinking a slur to himself in isolation & without context two years ago


person who can uniquely identify a single fundamental error in reasoning that lies at the common root of a diverse many lines of thought which guide & shape your life but they can't help you because they have no idea how to articulate it


person who thinks they're a "misanthrope" & not just responding reasonably to extremely specific&d callous ways that people happen to be frequently taught to exist


elderly woman on facebook who posts garish photos taken with the flash on of whatever bruises & scrapes she incurs in day to day life


guy who wants to have a uniformly dismissive attitude towards police offers in his interactions with them due to their antagonistic sociopolitical role but always ends up being polite to them in the heat of the moment because he feels too awkward about mapping the broader cultural narrative onto two people interacting at the individual level


guy named poop


guy with an app on his phone that tracks the progress of whichever self-fulfilling prophecies he is currently bringing towards fruition


guy who terrorizes all the other tenants in his apartment building into crowdfunding his rent by persistently threatening to activate "a device"


faceless & indistinguishable player in the game who has unnoticeably been playing the game for eleven days straight while processing some kind of terrible tragedy in their life


guy visually portrayed as being unintelligent by having his index finger raised to indicate that he has something to say


guy who everything he did in life which was made to consistently appear to have been done out of self-interest was really done based on whether he calculated that it would be "better" overall if the life of someone around him was made worse, or just "better" if their life was made better, & he takes this secret about how he operates with him to the grave


guy born incapable of forming new memories if they involve trains such that each time he encounters one he is confronting their existence for the first time & each time he says, "GOOD GOD! the machine could entirely destroy my body without the slightest resistance!"


guy who thinks of his social security number as a part of his body


guy whos so clumsy he tries to get in his bed to sleep & ends up splattered all over the entire room


orphaned street urchin who lands his first job at a carl's jr. & thereafter regards his unconcerned manager as a pseudo parental figure & constantly anticipates an expression of approval from them at his fulfillment of any mundane task


friend group whose members all try to sound like they always know what they're talking about because they don't want anyone to think they're dumb & make fun of them & they also mutually hate each other because each one thinks all the others' efforts are rooted in narcistically wanting to appear smart rather than just actually being afraid of potential ridicule


guy in a shirt reading "C'mon Man!"


person finally pursuing a formal autism diagnosis out of boredom


person who spends all day excitedly mashing a button which causes them to have an orgasm at the cost of killing one random person on earth, they take joy only in the killing & view the orgasm as a pointless side effect


guy who can lactate a single bullet in his lifetime which he has to save for the perfect moment


girl who dismisses music as a mere "series of specialized sound effects"


person whose whole personality is being a five-pronged sapient placental mammal


person who periodically glances at a local mutual aid group's corporate memphis style logo & cites it in some vague reasoning in their head for not devoting more thought to the idea of getting involved with them even though it'd be some of the most unfettered good they could do for their community


guy raised in a cave with an extensive library of marxist literature who finally emerges into society & has an unnecessarily dramatic conversation with an employee at a coffee shop


person who is the only person aware of their existence in any way


guy who sits on his porch


a pianist ..... OMFG calm down i said "PIANIST"


a friend group of maybe thirty people who all mutually know each other's login credentials on every applicable platform or website


person who every photograph of them in existence has them looking very well-dressed & confident & standing under a shelf or similar structure which is supporting objects that would definitely kill them if it collapsed


guy who plays albums on mute, it was never really about sound for him as much as feeling a sense of progression through a series of named durations


person who is intensely attracted to the confidence in tilting a cup or glass at a sufficient angle to prevent the teapot effect


the newest character on a well-known sitcom: a constantly audible randomly fluctuating sine wave from whose fluctuations the other characters divine responses & dialogue in a dynamic reminiscent of a haze of psychosis overtaking the entire cast


guy who googles "sexy woman bikini washing car drawing" & scrolls down the results right clicking & downloading the minuscule previews rather than first left clicking on each one


guy wholl say yoooo & take out a rocket launcher


guy who conceives of every doorway he walks through as entering something & never exiting & he constantly feels like he is proceeding deeper & wishing he could get back to the start


guy lying dead in an ornately furnished room with a Speakonia render of his suicide note pressed on vinyl looping on a turntable endlessly


non-visually female-coded stick figure


anti-wave guy whose motto is "if you wave hello, i'm saying goodbye"


visibly dangerous guy with "SAFE" written across his forehead


guy so frail he is constantly jostled & shaken around by his own heartbeat


person with a mental illness that isn't in the dsm or any textbook or on wikipedia or any website & they won't tell anyone what it's called or what the symptoms are


guy who dies in a near death experience


guy taking adderall so he can stop constantly forgetting about 9/11


guy who just got his first cell phone & is really annoyed by all the periodic notifications & sounds that come out of it, & in lieu of searching for a practical solution the only way that he knows to emotionally process this is to construct an anthropomorphized effigy of the phone & maim & torture it


guy trying to be only just evil enough that he gets downgraded to the animal realm during reincarnation but still gets to be a therapy dog


guy whose favorite part of eating a bowl of ramen is "the altoid bite"


guy who listens to beats by dre... THROUGH beats by dre!


& who could forget


the brother of the negative mindset ("sick fucks")


the brother of the positive mindset ("sick! *fucks*")


a picker, a grinner, a lover, a sinner, a joker, a toker, & a midnight smoker all walk into a bar. the hypothetical person is the bartender


extremely tranquil, soft-spoken old man, who, after promotion to a managerial position, attempts to enact radical workplace safety overhauls at the bomb factory but this goes terribly awry


guy who likes to say "wow," & he likes when people wow him, because that makes him say it


a bug


guy who excitedly considers going to aldi any time he finds a quarter


guy who devises enough highway games that it turns the highway into a constant torrent of information that he struggles to keep up with & he's constantly flipping through a three ring binder propped up on the steering wheel


guy who trolls in real life!


guy immune to images of food on restaurant billboards because he's able to somehow use the image to quell his hunger


guy wearing an apron & holding a spatula, who just made a group of like twelve people laugh, saying "what can i say, i'm a funny guy!"


confused teenager who has a crush on someone they recognize as a trans woman but doesn't know how to conceptualize their attraction in a way other than "the prettiest boy i've ever seen"


guy who can't articulate why he starts crying silently any time he is taking a shopping cart back to the cart corral


person who shows sufficiently few signs of physical aging that another person projects a sense of constancy onto them such that when they do start visibly aging it triggers a nervous breakdown in the other person


gay person with heterosexual sex fetish


the bomb dot com made flesh aynd bone


person enslaved by concepts (only person in their city who is enslaved by concepts & everyone laughs at them)

a christmas movie where the moral is that you the viewer are the only person who knows about the concept of christmas & you can't let anyone else find out about it


guy who constantly expresses a bright-eyed faith in e-mail to change the world in some vague way that it hasn't already


guy who constantly oscillates between either trying to experience his life in a completely "real" way uncontaminated by any absurd narratological framings or trying to populate his life with untenable sentimentality


guy in a sterile exitless room experimentally putting a binder clip on the nape of his neck & slumping to the floor, remaining indefinitely in this state


person who watches a youtube video narrating the far future of the universe up to the point of heat death & then spends half an hour reading the comments section where numerous strangers express fascination about their own mortality & the finitude of everything & relate to each another about this, this causes the person to become gassed up with a sense of inescapable unity to the human experience before going on a casual walk to a nearby gas station where they have an interaction with the cashier that is so intensely stilted that it severely deflates them & puts them in a totally different headspace


person who registers accounts on a bunch of social media sites & then doesn't use them because this makes their lack of engagement with social media more explicit & passively discoverable than if they hadn't registered accounts at all


guy who has no choice but to be awesome


person shaped by a historically specific form of loneliness which then ceases to exist & be felt by any new people


guy who spends two hours each day listening to an ai text to speech reading random distributions of randomized character sets in an attempt to develop an intuitive feel for the cadence & character of "random speech" in an attempt to speak in tongues in what he regards as a more algorithmically pure way than anyone has done it before


guy who sees something he dislikes on the internet & says "oh god, i have to do something about this" & goes to the website's login page to access the person's account & delete it but becomes intensely confused by the fact that he doesn't know what to type into the password field


epiphany addict


truth coming out of her well to download free mp3


someone attempting to employ a system where they can only indulge whatever vices they have while they've been alive a prime number of days, but abandoning the system after they become too unsettled by the repeated calculation of how many days they're at


Billie eilishes next album, thinking & feeling, paraded from stage to stage in a glass case, arousing ethical concerns


person who journals elaborately on the internet & occasionally reads another person's elaborate journaling on the internet & feels disgusted by what they hypocritically regard as the self-indulgence of writing so extensively about oneself (the other person also looks at their journaling & has this same thought, neither of them realize this or ever directly communicate)


guy who never drinks coffee due to being traumatized by an incident where he went to a cafe & they gave him "snowman coffee," which he never elaborates on


guy who experiences more distress from making other people upset than anyone else on earth but also has the greatest capacity for self-denial of anyone on earth & so is often voluntarily upsetting people regardless


guy whos standard first date conversation topic is about how although they may think the lady who sued mcdonalds for spilling coffee on herself was an example of the absurdly litigious & entitled character of the american citizen she atcually was burned quite badly...


alphabetical also anagrams are can guy hypothetical idk in in is, most of only order people post recent the the think whatever who why words


alphabetical enormous guy in in order pain


about alphabetical as commas communicate correctly desperately function hints in might person person placement please rearrange some struggling supposes tendencies, the their through to vague way who word words,


guy who puts lots of animal stickers on the back of his car to make "his zoo" & is always talking about the additions or changes he's made to his zoo


member of the a cappella pop group Pentatonix who goes home & makes all this solo music that they don't do all that much to promote & it never really sees the light of day, & during this they have thoughts about how, you know, they don't really hold any illusions about Pentatonix being great music & it really is just a job to them, & it feels kind of, you know, illustrative to them of how there tends to be more than meets the eye, how even an individual member of a band like Pentatonix might privately dabble in less commercial modes of artistic expression that the labels aren't really going to cater to. but as an effect of their life being so bland due to being at the epicenter of the phenomenon that is Pentatonix the music they're producing & having these thoughts about is extremely by-the-numbers ambient techno with pictures of outer space for the cover art




guy prone to dualistic thinking as an effect of his hometown having two primary north-south streets, each situated towards the eastern or western end


person who has a severe traumatic experience in a national chain restaurant & is consequently burdened by the sense that the verbatim-recreated location of this incident reappears in any city they go to, eventually they experience some degree of relief once it receives the inevitable design overhaul that fast food chains go through that makes them look modernized & creepy


guy who believes all the ills & follies of mankind wouldn't exist if people didn't both cum & pee out of the penis, causing all the babies to be contaminated with pee


whatever the last glassware you dropped & broke was


guy who dismisses all music people try to share with him as "too loud"