My hypothetical people

section 1

people or ideas written prior to the formalization of this exercise, & retrofitted as part of it

partly covering a span of time (#1 - #11 or so) where i feel my sense of humor was more vulgar or "trashy"


guy who lives in constant excited anticipation of a hunk of meat falling out of the sky for no reason that he could then eat


guy with an extremely gay posh british accent who struts around his apartment doing weird squats & calisthenics while he phones his local mcdonalds to intersperse his speech with weird moans & yelps as he asks them to make various preparations for his arrival later that day, which the employees actually do but he never shows up


guy who orders a new tv & constantly asks the people installing it difficult to quantify questions like "Hey, man, this thing got high specs, right?" ... "Yeah, but how's the image?" ... "Can it show me what I wanna see?"


guy who produces an in vitro fertilization documentary promotional poster leak copyright prosecution trial footage analysis compilation


guy who tirelessly roams the ashen dunes of the dead Earth, with seemingly infinite time on his hands the sky never changes, always full of dense, black clouds sometimes it seems to blend with the horizon, indistinguishable shades of grey, & he feels like he's gone blind he finds himself walking through endless fields where he can't make anything out of the grey haze, receiving no visual information, accompanied only by the sound of the blowing wind & the crunch & hiss of ash & debris under his feet, both of which he's long since gone numb to sometimes he can focus on the dust blowing around him, & sometimes he sees things in it, hallucinations, sometimes vivid, born out of his sensory deprivation sometimes he see half-remembered fragments of things he can barely recall, things which scream to him as representative of how the world is supposed to be instead of this these fleeting glimpses are his only source of comfort months pass like minutes as he treks across countries, exploring every inch of ruined city after ruined city, countless, invading the privacy of people long dead, poring over empty & decaying homes, offices, factories, hospitals, reading surviving tax sheets, books diaries, pamphlets, business cards, manuals, of digital cameras or heavy-duty industrial gantries or pottery kilns he swipes his hand across the adjacent spines of a collection of dvds, leaving a trail in the thick dust so that he can see what the residents of so many indistinguishable homes once watched he coughs, rubs his hands together, the sound of his dry, leathery skin rubbing, to remove the buildup of dust, gathering in the dry, peeling creases of his palms he wanders through darkened buildings of all kinds of architectural styles, gutted mansions, sturdy concrete huts, industrial facilities, military outposts exploring caves, mountains, gorges, & dead, blackened forests which resemble giant beds of nails blanketing the landscape he doesn't know why this is happening, or what happened, or why he survived, or why he keeps living on & on, with no need for physical sustenance sometimes he thinks about taking his own life he's had so many years to process the interminable sadness & loneliness & grief, of being left here after whatever has happened to the world he wishes he could remember but now his life has simply been like this for as long as he can remember he wishes he could at least understand he's come so close to ending it all, so many times, but he doesn't think he could ever go through with it despite how bleak & grey it all is, there's so much left behind for him to see, & so much time & freedom for it he is the last vestige of humanity, possibly even the last vestige of intelligent life, of sentience he has to keep existing, just for the sake of existing, so that there is even anything for everything to exist to he has to see, to know, if anything will ever, ever happen, in a day or a month or a century so he keeps walking, & walking, & walking in search of a bitch to fuck!!!


guy who works the desk at a phone repair store but when anyone approaches he just yells "DIE!!!" & throws a tomahawk into their head


guy who witnesses a physically impossible event & says "egad!"


guy who just kidnaps jesus after he returns & there are headlines saying "jesus kidnapped"


guy who only drinks smartwater & if you bring him a glass of tap he will slap it out of your hand


guy who spends six years gradually going insane as he obsessively tries to filter & eq a four-minute block of white noise millisecond by millisecond into being africa by toto, coming home every day & sitting down at his computer muttering "gotta make toto, gotta make toto"


guy who desperately wants to patent a new & improved kind of spot-the-difference book & sinks tens of millions of dollars of venture capital into trying to engineer a way to make them immune to people just crossing their eyes but he fails & goes into inescapable debt


calvinist work ethic guy who works in an amazon warehouse & agrees that the conditions there are extremely bad for no good reason but profusely thanks amazon for artificially creating very strenuous work days that keep his soul pure


guy who kills hundreds by crunching a whole watermelon in his mouth at a beach party & spitting the seeds like a machine gun


girl who likes to eat sheep stomach stuffed with deep fried blueberries, minced bread, & candied croutons, with sides of kidneywurst, kidney bean taffy, gravy meringue & freeze dried shark tongue with starfish burger, plus bubbletoast lined with oyster jelly reduction, paired with vulture pudding & cured incense. following this up with a small repast of pickled hog heart & breaded wolverine with a side of elephant femur gumbo garnished with aerosolized snail oil


guy who won't stop linking trinities of things. guy who asks you out of North America, Central America, & South America which one is the Father, the Son, & the Holy Ghost, & which one is a man, a woman, or nonbinary, & which is the red, green, or blue channel in the pixels of a computer monitor, & that you have to pick carefully because your answer will also imply a permanent association between the continent & the rgb, & all the other combinations, & he will involve your answer in various judgments of you. guy who won't be friends with you if you think Canada is the album In Utero by Nirvana or that In Utero is the bottom right point of a triangle & not the top point or that Aristotle is NBC


guy who says you can't be both vegan & anticapitalist because he regards capitalism like a singular superorganism that is alive in a more abstract way than animals & people, & striving to harm it would be unethical


guy who inexplicably always presses his phone keyboard suggestions, distorting the intent of his messages, & is always muttering stuff like "no thought, no will, no freedom, only subservience to gboard"


guy who walks around with a big jar of dill pickles tucked under his arm & splashes people with pickle juice whenever he shoves his hand in to grab one


guy who forces someone at gunpoint to seek out an internet-connected device, register a twitter account called "o9fuof4i9uouto8t9i," & make a single tweet that says "ahrrue0u9oetu8gt93yho8ruuiguiouoo4t8ur" at which point he lets them go unharmed


guy who reads all the standard fairy tales as a young child but forgets about all of them & also miraculously never encounters any of the biggest ones again clear into adulthood, & says, "i encountered this woman at work of the name, Cinderella Rapunzel, it- ...just struck me, the most enchanting name... as if from another world! something about it, it called to me, as if... it was like it knew some deep part of me!"


guy who calmly drinks a glass of milk then does the cabbage patch to celebrate that

section 2

august 6th, 2022: the beginning of formalized personcraft


person who opens up their web browser & navigates to their own blog while inexplicably saying "i'm gonna bag me a man tonight"


guy who devotes his life to killing anyone who rickrolls him in a kill bill esque fashion


guy who takes every yo mama joke he hears as new factual information about his mama


guy who instantly kills anyone who happens to use the phrase "as a matter of fact" in his vicinity


guy who only knows the word "blockchain"


guy who methodically follows the exact inverse of all traffic laws


guy who registers a twitter account then never logs into it or looks at the site but derives satisfaction from knowing that he has an account on it


guy who despises the metal numbers on houses that tell you their address but never does anything about it


guy who is unable to conversationally approach any topic except the artistic illegitimacy of william basinski's disintegration loops


guy who is obsessed with the futile task of constructing another living conscious human being out of soda tabs


guy who spends his full fifteenth year of life not chewing any food in what he views as an act of rebellion against society


guy who laughs extremely hard at every joke he hears while earnestly attempting to shamingly convince the teller of the joke that it wasn't funny


guy who spends lots of his free time in his local post office calling the workers stupid for being unable to route his letters to the proper addresses just because he refuses to write the addresses


guy who has never operated a gun & thinks you have to suck a bullet into it before you fire it


guy who has a dream every night about starting a food fight & is scared that one day he might actually do it


guy who turns into a traffic cone whenever he's confused


guy who gets angry at people for reading his t-shirt


guy who very committedly pretends to be a vampire but only around his parents


guy who fucks god to death


guy who thinks the human molar is the platonic ideal form of beauty


guy who is obsessed with critical theory but applies it only in the context of the running of the website tvtropes


guy who has to be constantly prevented from trying to make & eat a sandwich with two vinyl records for the bread


guy who thinks kfc stands for knights of the fallen crucifix


guy who pours immense amounts of time, effort, money, & engineering expertise into running miles & miles of electrical wiring through the living rock of a mountain range to some obscure inaccessible overlook so that he can install an electrical outlet & kill himself by putting a fork in it, for the ultimate purpose of confusing whoever eventually finds his body


guy who copies & pastes funny texts post from his tumblr dashboard onto his own blog & defends this with paragraphs & paragraphs of dense communist rhetoric


guy who tries to shut down the american government by putting a do not disturb sign on the door knob on the front door of the white house


guy who makes tomato pie


guy who crows at dawn


guy who goes gaga for gorgonzola goulash


guy whose home address is visible if you google his first name


guy who thinks bladee was a member of monty python


guy who undergoes surgical modification to become emo


guy who tries to run a wikia about his own scalp with a different page for each hair


guy who licks doritos clean then hangs them from his ceiling with fishing line


guy who covets a pearl


guy who starts a subreddit dedicated to a pseudoscientific method of carbonating beverages by force of will


guy who uses "toad" as a verb in contextually inconsistent ways & never defines it


guy who tries to log in to other people's accounts & just gets really confused when he reaches the password field & doesn't know what to type in


guy who pulls you out of a hat before a dazzled audience


guy who habitually examines his spine unable to determine an endpoint at either side


guy crying in frustration over his inability to induce arthritis in himself


girl who dies of sleep deprivation because every time she falls asleep she has really funny dreams that make her wake up giggling


girl who destroys her life through numerous acts of wanton self-destruction after deciding her life is ruined because she came home from work one day & found a turtle in her room


girl with a phobia of dropping a coat hanger


girl who chases a shot of vodka with an entire gallon jug of milk


guy who records a three hour single take video of him in his front lawn using several dinosaur figurines to reenact personal drama in his life


girl who dies the first time she ever snores cause she snores so loud it explodes her body into chunks bits


guy who lives a full lifetime without ever discovering or otherwise inadvertently using his ability to kill trout with his mind


girl who compulsively thinks of herself as "honey nut cheerios woman" without ever defining to herself what that means & would feel severely embarrassed if anyone knew this


guy who verges on panic whenever he remembers that the mona lisa exists


girl who is hypothetically addicted to being blown up by dynamite


girl who avoids using emojis out of an anxious belief that there is a finite supply


guy who desperately wishes that while he was on a walk one night the moon would crack in half & spill out luminescent fluid so that his life would feel less monotonous


guy who suspects his pessimism of playing a role in the chronic instability of his wireless internet connection


girl who has to come home from her hectic office job each day & destress by rereading the wikipedia article on rabies


guy who frequently registers sockpuppet wikipedia accounts in a devoted effort to create & maintain a page about his bed, which he calls "the crash pad"


guy whose day is ruined if he encounters the cliche of "2+2=4" being written on an illustrated chalkboard


girl who adopts a dog & names it her name


girl who is certain in a matter-of-fact & non-self-deprecating way that she would be at the bottom of a global leaderboard with respect to some characteristic but doesn't have even one guess as to what it would be


guy who refuses to wear any upper body clothing except football jerseys with his age on them


girl who wears rubber gloves when handling a can of energy drink


guy who thinks the milk used in ice cream comes from a specific breed of cow


guy who will learn about an entirely unfamiliar aspect of the world & make a post on the mandela effect subreddit about it having not previously existed


guy who gets caught at a social gathering washing his hands with rubber gloves on & gets really skittish & embarrassed about it for the rest of the afternoon even though no one is making a big deal about it at all


guy who wakes up each morning briefly imagining being cocooned in cool green tree leaves but totally forgets that it is a tendency outside of when it's actually happening


girl who is subconsciously filled with constant preparedness to begin chewing through her own arm were it revealed that there was something important inside of it


person who has an "artist - title" juxtaposition that they inexplicably find powerfully comforting & very committedly never listens to the song out of fear of overwriting what the juxtaposition vaguely means to them in a vacuum


guy who is addicted to formulating spectra


guy who is inexplicably tried & executed for naturally looking exactly like john travolta & being named "john travolta," & on the conscious basis of these two things rather than being mistaken for john travolta & receiving a punishment that was intended for him


guy whos corpse can time travel


big guy


guy who would become infatuated with any cryogenically frozen people he encountered or learned of


guy who moves to a tropical region after being told by an anonymous image board user that he will die if ever hit by a snowball


girl who fools you with her tricks


girl who strictly types ampersands instead of the word and


guy who prays to god every night that someone in the world will be killed by a falling girder




guy who has a spiritual crisis after witnessing a bird getting into a fight with a squirrel




girl who has never finished a sentence


guy who tries to tell you that he can be your angel or your devil but misspells "angel" as "angle"


guy who registers a bandcamp account in beyonc's name & uploads her albums merely out of a sincere interest in participating in the distribution of her music


girl who sprays a jet of blood out of one of her tear ducts when startled


girl with a high-paying government job who as a teenager ran a website which collated pictures of people's embarrassing & ill-advised tattoos


guy who cartoonishly goes "muhahahahaha!" whenever he tells a joke that someone laughs at


guy who makes the fast food restaurant employees solve a hangman of his order every time


guy who is a doghouse louse


guy whos get killed with a shovel over & over awesome


guy who is awarded a raw fish after playing twinkle twinkle little star by honking a row of variously tuned horns with his mouth


girl who saws her own leg off then loudly complains in an exaggerated valley girl accent about what she just did until she bleeds out, repeatedly making explicit reference to the fact that she herself did it but nonetheless possessing a tone as if she is right to be very indignant about it having happened


guy who any time he sees a manhole cover in the street says "aw man you know i got this!" & frisbees it at the nearest car windshield


girl who doesn't hesitate in tearing off the margin of a page of a book she's reading to write some info on it for someone if there's no other paper immediately available


guy who legitimately & permanently resolves a different chronic source of mental anguish or existential dissatisfaction with each object he purchases


guy who has lots of problems until one day when he gets on his computer & types "is not a broken person" between two asterisks


guy who undergoes radical personal transformation after reading a clumsily written decade old yahoo! answers question about love


guy who lives in the depths of the ocean & is constantly afraid of beginning to shallowly appropriate coral, seaweed, sharks, & currents into some kind of hokey identity that he can display to people


guy who does a psychedelic drug & says stuff like "i'm on the freakin' moooon, i'm in outer space"


guy who has spent his entire life conceiving of his mind as being physically located in his head, in accordance with the biological location of the brain, but realizes that this is just something he project subjectively, & decides to mark a new epoch in his life by mentally relocating it perhaps to his chest


girl who lives her life with absolute regularity, tires of this, makes her life consistently chaotic instead, tires of the homogeneity of the chaos through time, organizes her life to oscillate between order & chaos, tires of the regularity of that interval, reorganizes such that the interval between order & chaos is irregular, feels this tilts it too far towards chaos, regresses to a still more abstracted level of organization... (eventually arriving at maybe the ethos of minimal music composition)


girl who ceases to be hypothetical at the worst possible moment


girl who psychoanalyzes the ascription of masculinity or femininity to each given person hypothetical person for whom it is applicable


guy who reaches down from his throne of skulls & crushes your head between his thumb & index finger in a feminist way


guy who sits at an extremely dusty cluttered workbench & uses a quill to write absurd misogynistic diatribes in a leather bound journal with the title "On Women" embossed in gold on the front


guy who says "hear ye, hear ye!" when about to say some of the most phenomenally stupid things you've ever heard in your entire life


guy who is worried that he is slowly turning into God


person who becomes extremely fearful & violent at the suggestion of watching a "classic film" or listening to a "classic record" as if by some deeply ingrained animalistic understanding that they are categorically agonizing to experience


guy who solves an algebra problem & says "yeah, i'll go ahead & incorporate that into my belief system"


guy who has to continuously eat his own brain because it grows so fast


guy who sprinkles table salt on his table then laughs so hard that he dies


guy who wakes up each morning & gets in a racecar to drive thirty feet to & from his mailbox at one hundred fifty miles per hour


girl who names fruits before eating them


guy whos so unlucky he was born in an infinite hallway of conjoined adjacent ladders that he has to walk under forever but really hes soo super lucky cause the accrued bad luck never even catches up with him


guy whos so lucky that he is born in Hell but gets chewed up to death by a horror demon instantly so that he doesnt have to be in Hell


guy who spends all his free time sitting in his apartment staring uncomprehendingly at stock market data & occasionally nodding pensively as though he is at some point going to identify "the moment" at which to make a certain critical purchase


person who is ontologically a boyfriend


guy who one day pries a small hunk of asphalt from a blacktop parking lot on a hot day & eats it & from that day forward displays a marked change in personality


two dopey best friends who each carry a satchel of fake plastic gold medals wherever they go & award the other with a medal whenever they say something funny or awesome


guy who ran for president & gets so many votes that he won the eection!


girl who gets concussions every time a horse decapitates itself


guy who inadvertently inhales a single grain of pollen then pats his stomach & says "mmm, that really hit the spot"


girl who has spent her entire life preparing for bed


person who is so polite that it loops around in the manner of an integer overflow to being traumatizing


guy whos gaga


guy who is a constant process of nutritional expenditure & replacement & wishes his wife would stop bothering him & let him watch the freakin game


guy who subsists exclusively on dust which he "eats" by going to a corner of some dank old room & inhaling hard with his mouth wide open


guy who requires an extremely complex system of philosophical positions to produce his outwardly simple & relaxed character


guy who would hurt a fly


girl whhos';nt


girl who simply imposes order on chaos in a hubristic but ultimately successful manner


girl who determines with absolute certainty that reincarnation & the afterlife arent real & proceeds to make them real


guy who dies & kills you & dies & kills you & dies & kills you & dies & kills you & dies & kills you & dies & kills you & dies & kills you & dies & kills you & dies & kills you & dies & kills you & dies & kills you & dies & kills you & dies & kills you & dies & kills you & dies & kills you & dies & kills you &


guy who makes a tumblr post that says "*dies*" & gets seven thousand notes, all reblogs, all captioned "AWESOME.", all from people who are not coordinating to do this & none of whom ever click the notes & see that people have typed it previously, & all of whom take the post as a genuine representation of the op's actual death


guy who has a crush on the entity that he imagines grabbing him if he lets any of his limbs dangle off his bed as he falls asleep, but also still fearfully hopes exactly like anyone else that that does not happen & strcitly does not let his limbs dangle


guy who regards all people whose names start with the same first letter interchangeably such that he can only recognize twenty-six people in his life


guy who conspires to blow up the eiffel tower on no other grounds than that its lights are shining through his bedroom window & keeping him awake at night


guy who performs surgery on an idea


girl who somehow loses her lawsuit against a group of doctors who filled her chest cavity with foam packing peanuts, & in a way that can be solidly attributed not to any kind of systemic injustice but to her own shocking ineptitude


girl who is only metaphorical, in addition to being hypothetical


guy who has kerosene for blood & is constantly detonating & killing people all the time


guy who loves all music so much he gives it five on rate your music always until he gets really obsessed with having perfectly normal distribution of ratings & selectively conditions himself to like various releases less to varying degrees


guy who has a quality that makes him worth describing as a hypothetical person but his head is squashed by a cinder block that falls from an airplane before we can ascertain what his quality is so we just use that event as the quality instead


guy who has his first sexual impulse at age twenty-five & simply thinks "well i dont really care for it" & shuts it off by force of will permanently


guy whose multivitamin gummies are making him evil


guy who uses his computer like a long-ago sea captain screaming passionately & fighting with the wheel during an intense storm


guy who playfully calls you a sillyhead before grimly tearing you limb from limb for being a sillyhead


girl who can describe a normal chair in a way that makes people get so scared they lose consciousness


girl who was created by God to be pelted with handfuls of sand constantly


guy whos one sick puppy


guy who won a sick puppy


guy who want a sick puppy


guy who has a severe anaphylactic reaction to prank calls


guy who will kill someone for no better-substantiated reason than that they "suck"


guy whose most embarrassing secret is that once while his contact lenses were out he tried to flirt with the polar bear on the side of a coca-cola truck


guy who initiates a life changing conversation with a customer service representative


guy who finally sees past the endless treadmill of manufactured needs imposed on him by capitalism & reacquaints himself with his true desire of shoving hundreds of people into wood chipper & meat grinder fucking death fuck


guy who dies from choking on an mp3 file


guy who spends several hours reading through with a slowly increasing look of inconsolable fear on his face the whole time


fabric tycoon who carries out extremely unethical levels of deforestation but wins the hearts of thousands of young bloggers in the process by being very charming & attractive


guy who spends seven hours trying to wash water off of his hands before someone explains to him the futility of his task


person who just walks around


person named leonardo who paints such a most beauiful woman...


girl who keeps killing your boyfriends & it's so so so freaking annoying


guy who puts active concentration into mind controlling bed bugs in his room to come & bite him even though they would do that anyway


girl who has extorted thousands of dollars from god


guy who when first informed of his mortality says "YIPE!"


guy who keeps going to cemeteries & digging up human corpses but with such an air of innocent curiosity that no one can get angry at him for it & they just try to gently lecture him on why he shouldn't do it


guy whos superficial charms obscure the blood curdling reality that he likes icecream


girl who catches a mosquito on her arm & smashes a glass over its head before tackling it to the floor & crushes uts windpipe with her fists then drags its corpse out to her backyard & digs a hole in the dirt & puts the mosquito in & buries it


person who successfully spends one hundred percent of their lifespan having their upper back scratched lightly


person who everythings


person who vehemently dislikes capitalism not because of any of its harmful effects or injustices but because it is "weird"




guy who is the last sane man in a world gone mad


person who shows you their record collection & it's every one of the albums that youtube has sporadically recommended to everyone on the site sometimes & nothing else




up to no good


girl desperately trying with all the rhetoric & passion she can muster, sincerely, as if her life depends on it, to convince you to start walking around with a propeller hat on


guy wearing a propeller hat who crashes through the skylight of an office building dying instantly after having been the subject of an unsolved missing person case for ten years


guy who is actually misogynistic purely on the basis of the garden of eden story like genuinely he'd be a nice guy if he didn't think about the story & get really mad but as it staqnds he is just filled with virulent hatred


guy who is extremely smug about having died in unimaginable agony, & not in the sense that he observes a set of values which position dying in unimaginable agony as a status of honor which he might reasonably be smug about under that reasoning, but rather in the sense that he is as averse to such a fate as anyone typically would be & as such it is his propensity for smugness that he is taking to a point of irrational & maximally counterintuitive absurdity


guy who is the cream of the crop at separating the wheat from the chaff


guy who goes skydiving & realizes his parachute is broken but fortunately spots a huge haystack that he is able to maneuver over & land on but is unfortunately killed by a sewing needle the punctures his jugular vein


girl who wants to be the small dog that uncomprehendingly causes a multi million dollar industrial accident by functioning as a brief distraction to the wrong person at the wrong moment


guy who says "hip... hip... hooraaay!"


guy who googles "how to be a serial killer without killing people"




guy who thinks taco bell should have a new slogan that he came up with


guy who unhappily expresses a constant disciplined repression in his bodily posture out of fear that otherwise someone might think he is "on crack"


guy who murders you before he kills you instead of murdering you after he kills you


guy who inspires over a century of political & philosophical currents by writing an analysis of the functioning of capitalism that diverges from the fundamental assumptions implicitly made by existing economic theory in favor of positing its own set of fundamental mechanisms


girl who inspires over a century of political & philosophical currents by writing an analysis of the functioning of capitalism that diverges from the fundamental assumptions implicitly made by existing economic theory in favor of positing its own set of fundamental mechanisms


guy (mass noun)


guy who knuckle walks into old navy & who knows what happens next


guy who is a real mover & shaker in the concepts business, constantly repeating ones he has heard or synthesizing them into brand new ones


guy who develops an ai that invisibly generates & recuperates over six billion radical concepts per second & becomes a target of extreme vitriol from countless people who regard this as harmful to anti -estafb bflsighfndmio dh4hi o dui ;o ...... ;o ............ [CLICK]


guy who has a variant of the self preservation instinct called "the funny self preservation instinct"


guy who has spent his entire life saving up for a cool toy


guy who has a medical emergency when his guts all fall out of his skull down into the rest of his body


guy who has never spoken, who is finally goaded into speaking, who begins to tangle himself in the tangles of language


guy in college who raises his hand to speak during one of his lectures & confidently says "Him him him him him him him the the the & & & ,,,,,,,, .......... !!!!!!! tell telll tell him him him & & & &"


chair that is silent immobile inanimate & inorganic but craves sexual release


person who destroys beauty due to all the reformative obligations it implies with respect to them if permitted to continue existing


guy who can't remember if the early bird gets the worm or the bagel


guy who wins the nobel peace prize for inventing a device that can, without any subsequent benefit, electrically stimulate an insect to experience the frustration & ennui of a person constantly tasked with filling out stacks of uninteresting paperwork


guy who buys a roll of unfamiliar off-brand paper towels & discovers that they have an insatiable sexual appetite


girl at an expensive restaurant who asks her waiter (immediately upon his first approach to the table) if he has a tumblr account, hoping to send him anon hate for at least the next six months regardless of the quality of his subsequent service


girl who notices a guy enjoying his stroll down the sidewalk, pouts & says "that's no good!" before fully & rapidly disassembling him like an ikea product over the course of a second, his lifeless components now tidily organized in an array on the ground


guy who accidentally pours a whole mouthful of coffee down his windpipe but does not react & simply digests it through alternate means because he is awesome




guy who forces someone at gunpoint to seek out an internet-connected device, register a twitter account called "o9fuof4i9uouto8t9i," & make a single tweet that says "ahrrue0u9oetu8gt93yho8ruuiguiouoo4t8ur" at which point he lets them go unharmed


guy who successfully narrows his ethical beliefs to a sufficient point of idiosyncrasy that he is only friendship-compatible with one person on the planet, a man in Uruguay named Wilhelm Schendley who he never communicates with or encounters any sign of the existence of


a blanket beginning to show its age


guy whose conscious aim is to seek out & internalize as much propaganda (he says "propaganda") as possible


guy who swaps the first syllables of "unimaginable" & "unicycle"


guy who on april fool's day walks up to you & does a clearly forced angry face for about two seconds then starts smiling laughing & says "april fools!"


guy who is such a broken human being thoroughly ravaged by tragedy that he can no longer find in himself the energy to consolidate his web brand


a muppet baby


guy who would sell all of his earthly belongings for a single helping of oatst choat


guy who smokes marijuana then says "I LOVE BEING HIGH YUIPPPPUEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!|||||||||||||"


guy who hates anything that has a "controversy" section on wikipedia & loves anything that doesn't


guy who says he wishes he could right-click his brain & you expect him to follow it up with some additional computer function that sounds humorously relatable but that's all he wants to do


person whose dream is to some day use twitter


guy who goes against the prescriptive conservative norms which are prevalent in his community so as to act in his personal interest of having sex with other men instead of women


guy who constantly reeks but for reasons that command respect


guy who leaves his house each morning loudly saying "DESTROY..... ALL..... GIIIIIRLS"


girl who was a girl until she decided she was a girl at which point she became a boy


person who crumbles into lights


guy whose brain did not explode into sprode clont, please do not suggest that


person who doesnt exist but you can describe them anyway


guhy who wet flops wetly out of the ocean onto the sticking damp sand & lets out several terrible ragged raspy wheezes wet whereupon expelling its stomach contents before its stomach inverted entirely form its lips, & then dying, its eyes lolling, drooping as its whole form shudders & collapses around its unyielding bone structues. A SIGHT TO SEE!


"girl who observes or otherwise imagines very specific social phenomena & formulates a series of thoughtfully philosophical yet quaintly irreverent posts about them in an online chatroom so frequently that it seems to border on some kind of fixation or at the very least something she spends a notable amount of time thinking about every day"


guy who gets so bored that he walks far enough out into a field that he's sure no one will hear him & starts screaming at the top of lungs pretending he broke his leg then acting out the hysterics of realizing he's so far out in the field that no one will hear him calling for help


guy who is bludgeoned to death by someone swinging a single human molar with a string tied around it


person at a junction in their life between being frequently complimented by bland people who bore them, or frequently denigrated by people who occupy subcultural positions at least decently similar to theirs, but will eventually transcend this dichotomy


guy who entirely wins someone's heart by saying "baby, you & me go together like peanut butter & jelly"


guy who does gangnam style dance!! YYAAAYAYAYAYAYYAYA YAY I LOVVVE !! LOVE GANGNAM STYLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


God who giggles cutely & says "yay!" when people follow the ten commandments


guy who looks like fred durst who doesnt know your name or what you look like but has been determined since the day you were born to figure out who you are & find & destroy you


person on the beetle grind


for personal reasons i have declined to describe the person intended to be featured in this post


person you buy an expensive gift for as a romantic gesture but they upset you by joyfully calling it "flatteringly flirty splurging"


default icon tumblr blog with auto generated url that posts nothing but one keymash per day & becomes a widely ridiculed online pariah among people flabbergasted at the mysterious & twisted rationale that might lead a person to decide they want to express nothing but gibberish


person who across all social media platforms allocates a single "like" to the best thing they've ever encountered


person who arrives back at their remote rural home to find a person collapsed dead on their doorstep clutching a note that says "grand theft auto vice city cheat codes"


person whose desire for a friendship or relationship, that would in a sense liberate them from loneliness in a way that would ultimately be very marked in the course of their life, exists somewhat at odds with a desire they would also feel not to regard such a thing in a larger-than-life way


guy who boards up all his doors & windows & indefinitely hides in his basement with a shotgun after hearing a single cartoon chomp sfx outside his door one day


guy whos two sick puppies


guy with a custodial job at some facility who at the end of the day tries to place his mop between a certain washer & dryer like he always does but finds that one has inexplicably been shifted about half an inch toward the other so that the mop no longer fits, & he immediately falls to his knees in tears & ranting about having to live in "this vale of tears"


guy who holds each potato chip he eats the way he would hold his lover at the climax of ecstacy


guy who forces you to think each distinct thought in your internal monologue with the words arranged in alphabetical order


alphabetical arranged distinct each forces guy in in internal monologue order the think thought to who with words you your


guy who drives around in his car listening to the psycho theme


guy who sees you walking with your phone out & raises a neodymium magnet so that your phone flies thirty feet across the room & explodes against it & ruins his face in a burst of shrapnel & he knew this would happen but he was committed to doing it anyway, with a sense of duty


the troll face


person trying their absolute best not to be spiteful even though everyone in their life including strangers calls them the denigrating nickname "dogwater"


random gas station cashier who in his last hundred past lives has consistently murdered the people you were in your last hundred past lives but it's genuinely just sheer coincidence & implies nothing about the present nor does it provoke any kind of psychic phenomena


tree that consciously thinks the word "thirsty" & nothing else as its roots sap water from a creek


guy who rubs his hands together evilly as he approaches two people on the sidewalk who are like a hundred feet in the distance, planning to say guess what to them & when they say what he'll say chicken butt


person with a preserved fragment of their 2016 mindset propagating indefinitely around the internet & playing a minuscule role in keeping other people to some extent stuck in that year


frumpy moppet


gurgle gerbil


dopey animatronic elephant that pisses you off by saying stuff like "gum gum galloh!"


person who wants to be something because they want to then want to not be it


guy who discovers the cure for cancer but fiercely keeps it to himself, administering it secretively only to those willing to pay him an exorbitant sum. it is only after he is visited in the night by a strange & cryptic beast that he has a sudden change of heart which to the public eye remains unexplained


person who expresses love through acts of deleting various conceptual boundaries


minimally entropic person who spends their entire lifetime orchestrating insane events constantly & meticulously & at a rate which fluctuates perfectly between tactful sparseness & near-excess


very kind & gentle human being who you'd never suspect of having inaugurated their condition of kind gentility merely a week ago & in lieu of a previous stint as a highly deranged online presence


guy who says stuff like "Very well. You leave me no choice."


person who is in touch with reality & knows the difference between reality & fiction & right & wrong but also their amygdala is partly a morass of highly concentrated fructose juxtaposed with first person simulations of killing other human beings & itmakes them think a little funny maybe


person ideologically aligned with just the general concept of cults


guy with a lisp that only applies to every other s


socially awkward girl who would like to see two men from a piece of fictional media have sex with each other


person who wishes to have sex but is incapable of doing so for lack of a sexual partner & takes actions in the interest of rectifying this


geico gecko who wants to fuck you


guy who bakes a loaf of bread for the first time & upon taking it from the oven & seeing it complete mutters "n- no, this is impossible..." & quietly retreats to his room, locking the door


person who finds God through microblogging


person whose conscious ethos for all their traffic maneuvers is to be "evil as fuck"


person who..nevermin im shy..


guy you devoured on june 24th, 2019 at 13:27:44.029 GMT


artist who exposes the underlying stuff


guy out of Pandora skips & justin bieber is playiy!!!!!!!!! NNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


cowboy who says "shoot no!" upon noticing you making a move to escape his torture dungeon


secret human


kid with a strong resemblance to pruane2forever who is devoted to devising & employing some means of blowing up your house at the behest of some urge which is not rooted in malice


ant that is aware of your existence


person who is like a horse in all the worst ways


person who smells like themselves


person who adopts & holds a belief & also an orphan


species that loves to love


person whos sad cause they think theyre ugly but happy cause they know theyre not ugly even though they think they are


person whose relationship to art is inverted such that, rather than having emotion stirred in them through its act of speaking to feelings & events they’ve lived through, they instead permit themselves to feel about various things in their life only after seeing them validated through the apparent dignity of artistic portrayal


girl walking around her backyard sucking on a spree candy


sun with sunglasses on


person whose discomfort with their own mortality stems almost entirely from the existence of a certain blanket with a texture that they'd like to run their hand across eternally


person outside of time who's about to break into it


sixty five year old washed up hyperpop frontman


guy who every night uploads a new youtube video of him breaking undetected into david lettermans house & filming him sleeping for five minutes


person whose existential angst was about to drive them into some seriously dark places until they saw the film everything everywhere all at once


really buff human sized version of timon from the lion king sitting on a park bench eating a turkey & american cheese sandwich on white bread while looking kind of brooding & accomplished


weatherman who is persistently disgusted with his audience for turning to him for the fulfillment of a desire that he regards as intensely hubristic


man who one day falters in a pursuit, thus damning him to Hell for inadequate zeal


person with a strong capacity & inclination to be a pretty genuinely manipulative & toxic person but this never effectively manifests due to their tactic of choice being constant personal threats of personal destruction by way of a literal atom bomb, which they obviously do not have access to


the very first human being to be born after the instant of the publication of this hypothetical person, who i, with my authority, limited as it may be, hereby declare a lifelong chump


person who gets fed up with trying unsuccessfully to reconcile their firsthand experience of being conscious with the idea of physical determinism & simply has lots of sex instead


person whose keymashes are done very quickly & by hand but always contain exactly one occurrence of every character on the keyboard


guy who finds love on a phpbb forum dedicated to discussing different models of tv remotes


cow with wheels for feet


person who would never kill me, the author of this hypothetical person


deeply sinister human being born on may 5th 1818 called “gnarled marx”


girl who pretends not to regret her mucinex monster tattoo


six figure salary businessman who stares indecisively at a blank notepad while lightly chewing on the end of a pen & idly making a regular clicking sound out the side of his mouth which gradually slows until he finally gives himself a slight affirmative nod & writes "vampire horror bat death"


guy lost & directionless desperately in need of an eye-opening series of politically oriented youtube videos


girl named Milton Babbitt


person who genuinely has lots of unique & insightful opinions but not on any topics that haven't been inculcated in their skull by social or traditional media


trans person who is befriended by another fellow trans person through a social interaction that is instigated by the other trans person's recognition of them as a fellow trans person on the basis of some aspect of their physical appearance when taken into account with their style of dress - this ironically causes the subject to become preoccupied with a feeling of distress, since above all it was their hope that their style of dress would have been sufficient to negate whatever characteristics might have made them identifiable, & now, at least for the moment, they only feel burdened by what, in light of this prevailing distress, only feels like a perceived obligation to experience gratitude at having made a friend


crazy guy who thinks the worst album ever is the best album ever


person who will unquestioningly enforce any rule regardless of its morality simply because they derive a kind of subconscious satisfaction from visualizing the algorithmic flow of any given situation when governed by a rule