november 21st, 2021
i am so sorry for any & every ounce of cynicism that has ever inhabited my heart at any moment, &, for my imperfection, may very well inhabit it in the future.
if you're not being evil, i love you so much. it's important to never call anyone evil. it's important to never call anyone a scumbag or a monster. you have to
say "being evil." you have to say "being a scumbag" or "acting like a monster." assign states of becoming, not states of being. you will never be evil. you
can always stop. one can always be purified. there is always hope. i swear to god. i swear to god. in this part of the paragraph i'm drifting into speaking
to a hypothetical person who is being a monster but is just like me. i'm not the shallow cloyingly saccharine words of all the other fluttering paper dolls,
i promise, i'm committed to being an exception to solipsism, i'm thinking, i'm feeling, i'm real, this is only parasocial, (in fact i may now be dead twenty
or two hundred years in the past, god willing these hard drives survive), but i want to display & verify my realness to you & affirm to you that by my most
reasonable estimate there is hope for purity & to change. i went from writing anguished screeds expressing the absolute inexistence of innocence, to desiring
to write doctrines on its impermeable invincibility & unsilenceability &, by god, the notion of it spreading virally & curatively across this sick planet,
real real real real innocence & kindness, no platitudes that sear your eyes like neon with their artificiality, no hyperreal innocence, no "sweet"
gestures in the mere shape of prior gesture-shapes that, somewhere in their lineage, long ago, lost any root in lived life. i swear to
god, i swear to god, i swear to god, let these words pierce you if you are in need of being pierced