may 13th, 2021

beliefs... a considerable amount of goodness in society is based on the proportion of people who
remember what it's actually like to be a child. the memory of being a child is fragile, has to be
safeguarded like a child itself. a vast swath of our society is unspokenly devoted to overwriting
the memories as quickly & perversely as possible... i guess there's also a second negative
definition of child in play i.e. a toxically masculine man might kill someone because
he's a giant child? selectively smothering & fanning different aspects of childhood

june 4th, 2021

i think that innocence is really necessary for the good of everyone, that i have to viciously reject the narrative that
people lose it permanently early in life - in favor of one where it's just a state of being that is attainable at any moment,
because maybe, in people who are convinced that it's just permanently gone, then it effectively does die, & maybe, the
higher the proportion of people who remember what it's really like to be a child, the better things generally are, but
also the memories are kind of fragile & have to be safeguarded, kind of like a child itself, & also there are lots
of societal structures that try to overwrite them as quickly & perversely as possible, & this is tangled with
preserving one's sense of individuality i.e. early childhood experiences & attitudes that impart people with
things in their head that are sufficiently unique & tied to those experiences, & when they happened, that a
person has to just tolerate being kind of alone with them, maybe avoiding losing them to the simultaneous
togetherness & homogeneity of internet culture, where it feels like there's no room for anything
like that, & that there is a metaphorical link between innocence & physical entropy in that
everything in the universe tends towards chaos & disorder, while anything that stays
ordered has something putting energy in, keeping it that way, explaining why it's
hard to expect such attitudes from people in aggregate if they're "physically"
unlikely, nuanced, ordered, so goodness is defying the odds by permitting
anything fragile to exist, that people can be orderly or entropic, that
gross cultural artifacts would want to pull me apart at the seams
spiritually just like the universe wants to physically, & it is
my will, my counter energy, that keeps me together! ok?

october 25th, 2021

i tentatively believe that childhood never ends, or rather, that childhood is a false distinction, & what is labeled as
"childhood" never ends... that i expressed my truest nature during childhood & that all other natures that have
followed have only been contrived exceptions to that one, which is still plainly there... exceptions that are
meticulously crafted, even, to drown the true one out... & perhaps observing this doesn't necessarily make
it easy to feel like a child, but it feels important to observe nonetheless. it's like i've been saying since
early 2020, the concept of "loss of innocence" is basically propagandistic. to the effect of "that
perfect state has already been shattered, why bother trying to hold onto anything like it?"

december 6th, 2021

i think childhood is a false distinction drawn on people's lives to justify the supplanting of positive aspects associated
with "childhood" by negative aspects associated with "adulthood," but, insofar as i am willing to humor the existence of
childhood, my experience has been that passage "out" of it has less been defined by physical maturation or by the taking on
of responsibilities or by the accumulation of memories & experience & maybe wisdom, & more been defined by the periodic
acquisition of semi-permanent contaminations in my patterns of thought & consideration, such that the absolute joy of
"being a child again" would really only entail being cleansed of those. the other "markers" of childhood (oh, you
don't know what drugs are, so fucking what), i feel, are only random circumstances that will invariably
become so cherished when processed through such beautifully unmarred cognition