March


instead of occasionally making text posts about recent events or activities, i'm going to try relegating them to a
single draft of diary entries, which i'll post at the end of each month. it's march 27th. i probably won't have
much to say for this one going forward. i guess my life could radically change in the last five days of march,
but it probably won't. well, there are still things i can fish out of my recollection. what happened in march?

i listened to kraftwerk a lot. i walked to the antique mall & ambled around there again. i found a vinyl of duck stab! very unexpected. i got
it & a wooden pink bunny that hangs on my bedroom wall. what else? i walked around the woods. i walked around a cemetery. i walked to
a park. i walked to another park. i walked around another cemetery. spring is arriving, so i'm doing more walking. a big tub of stuff
that isn't mine got moved out of my closet, so i put in a lamp in there. now it's a very small space to sit & maybe read in

the four-year anniversary of the first time i ever met face-to-face with friends i met online went by. i didn't
notice. i haven't really interacted with them in, um... next month it will be a year. that was a chaotic saga!
i'll leave it at that, but the details may exist faintly in your recollection if you've been following
me since the time when i absolutely could not shut up on this website for even an hour

on the 26th, i got a vinyl of kakashi. i suspect it's been sitting in that store in the mall for about two years,
waiting. (i've never cared about physical music, but it's sort of caught my interest lately. it's something i want
to be exclusively opportunistic about. i don't want to make a shopping list of my favorite albums & sink my spare
money into it. i do have one more vinyl coming in the mail, only because it's about three decades old &
my friend found it in mint condition for only fourteen dollars including shipping. it's i like you)

then i ate a bunch of sushi. i got the classic philly roll & tried some deep-fried jalapenos filled with spicy
tuna & cream cheese. i didn't like them much, didn't eat the last two. right before i left, the waitress,
Cordelia, said "don't worry about getting out of other people's way! make them move for you, girl!"
then i got twelve syringes & a medication that will be injected with them, possibly on the 30th. i
am typing these last two sentences on the 30th. i did not receive an injection on the 30th

on the 27th, because i was mildly drunk, i did the most personable, unrestrained thing i've done face-to-face in probably a year,
at least. i was mildly drunk because i'd sat in a coffee shop all day, downloading music. it closed, so i went & sat in a bar
nearby, & kept downloading music. a girl i'm acquainted with appeared & sat in my booth. she was there to see a drag show
happening that night. we chatted a little, & she non-flirtatiously got me a tasty cherry drink. i drank it. i was mildly drunk

she ordered a blt & asked me what the condiment was that came with it. here is the thing i did: i said
"ranch dressing, or," then thought for a moment, then started laughing because i knew there was another
condiment like ranch, but i couldn't remember what it was! then i remembered! it was mayonnaise!

on the 30th, i had an essay on a chosen piece of media due for my gender roles class. in the early morning,
i decided to write about possibly in michigan, & did so. we were expected to present the essays in class,
but anyone was free to simply decline & lose the eleven points. the teacher stressed that to me in
private because she knows how much i dislike speaking in public in any capacity

because i'll update the proceeding drafts in realtime, i expect them to be either far more sparse, or strictly made
up of more significant events. we'll see. maybe i could experiment with typing at least a brief summation of each
day, maybe an adjective & a noun at minimum. the april entry will probably open with me getting my blood drawn


April


april 1st. i didn't get my blood drawn. my sociology teacher passed me in the hall & said "good morning." then she stopped & said
to me that i should talk sometimes, that she's sure my voice is fine, that people, women, have all sorts of textures & timbres of
voices. i shyly held my book over my mouth & nodded vigorously. my book was The Complete Cosmicomics. i still opted
not to present my paper. i might have, if i had written a different one, but i got insecure about the actual content of it. later,
i nearly fell down stairs because i was distracted reading her comments on some of my papers. then i went home,
took a nap, woke up sick to my stomach, & nearly cut my thumb open pitting an avocado

-

april 3rd. in the early morning, i met someone on omegle who... i don't know what to say. first
we tried to guess each other's names, which was very amusing. i gave him these three clues:

1. it begins with a vowel & ends with a consonant
2. the places of the letters sum to forty-two
3. a vigenere cipher, with the name itself as the key, yields "awiu"

it didn't take him that long to work out mine. it took me three or four hours to guess his, which had this format:
xyxyn, where x's are consonants & y's are vowels. you can't imagine how many names i came up with that fit this
template, all while missing a very common & obvious one. i was curled up against my bedroom door with a
notebook, swapping letters into the blanks. when it finally hit me, i couldn't believe i'd missed it

then... he said lots of things that were like he'd read my most private thoughts for years & had a detailed
understanding of the ideal sentences i could ever want a person to say to me, to the point that it felt surreal. this
made me tremble unlike any previous occasion in my life that i have trembled. then nine hours sort of disappeared
in a dreamlike state. light conversation with him, not expecting to sit on my bed for nine hours, foggy, periodically
drifting in & out of light sleep, hungry, thirsty, feeling the buildup of a weary feeling that wraps around my whole
being if i jerk in & out of sleep cycles. now, more than anything, i just feel very drowzy & disoriented... maybe i am
just one of many types of people & each type's ideal sort of sentences are like a preexisting body that one can learn

anyway, i can't do this, it's not how i'm supposed to form relationships... i'm. supposed to develop relationships, build
friendships that can, if it's right, blossom into romance, or, i mean, people do meet each other & be primarily romantic
from the start sometimes, i think, it's just. i mean. the conversation was unique, yes, but. i can't be washed over by
first conversations with people whose conversations wash over people who are washed over... i don't know. i'm
very hungry & tired. i feel very frail, physically & mentally. i can't wait to get a lot of sleep tonight

-

april 5th. a squirrel in the mouth of the parking lot of the apartments just stared at my brother's car as we drove right up to it

i got my blood drawn. then i got a shot. i ritualistically wore the outfit i had on the last time i got my blood drawn. prior to the draw, i anxiously
ambled around a park near the clinic, listening to cheerful music, trying not to contemplate the immediate future. right before i went in, a freaking
wasp landed right on the door. i was kept outside for a whole minute because it wouldn't go away! long story short, i now have less blood
& more estrogen. that's the situation, not sure what other descriptive frills to apply. one of the april specials at the coffee shop was
a latte flavored with lavender & roses, called the "leather & lace." i had to go up & ask for a "hot leather & lace."
it tasted okay, not as strange as i hoped. the one with just lavender was more strange

when i got home, i had received a gift in the mail: an lp of "wee tam" by the incredible string band.
only "wee tam," because although it's a double album, it was issued in america as two separate albums

-

april 6th. i went into a sparse patch of forest to discard some mozzarella sticks i didn't want anymore. a squirrel
must have failed to navigate some branches, because twigs rained down around me, then the squirrel itself landed
right by me with a bassy thump & took off in a panic. later i received more gifts in the mail: fake flowers, a
cross stitch kit of a chihuahua in its water bowl, & two big bags of strawberry grandma candies

-

april 8th. at half past midnight, i brushed my teeth. a big chunk of the back of a molar that i have a
filling in just cracked off, all the way from the top to the bottom of the tooth. fortunately, with
the filling, the nerves aren't exposed. but i guess i'm not saving that tooth. i really thought it was
going to be ok. i'm disturbed & upset... later that day, i set a date to get it looked at: june 1st

-

april 9th. i lied in bed listening to birds & addictively ate spicy lime chips that have a tendency to make me kind
of sick. a tiny bit of the dust got in my eye somehow. i convulsed in pain. then i took the trolley to the coffee
shop. it started storming really hard during the ride. the stop is about two blocks away, & i had to run with my
backpack over my head. when i got to the shop a girl walked up to me with a puppy in her arms & said "my
dog keeps obsessing over you." she & her friend expected me to appease the dog by petting it. i did

-

april 11th. i sat under a park pavilion while an alienatingly normal white nuclear family had a cookout nearby. because i was sitting near them,
i guess for some reason i briefly felt like i was associated with them, like i'd drove there with them & i was just sitting there reading as a
comfortable member of the group. i could have never really felt comfortable around them, realistically (the dad saw the son playfully
chase a girl, & expressed relief at him apparently being straight), but for a second i was able to not think about it beyond that
feeling. i felt a sense of unconcerned belonging that i don't think i've felt, or been able to remember feeling, since i was maybe
around ten. i've been totally alienated from how it can actually feel good to comfortably feel like one is part of a family

-

april 12th. i received another gift in the mail: an lp of "the big huge," by the incredible string band

-

april 15th. i stopped by my sociology teacher's office to turn in a late assignment &
she gave me... socks, she bought me socks. ten cute pairs of socks with koalas &
flowers & polka dots... i thought about it the whole time i was walking home

-

april 16th. i watched "portrait of a lady on fire" with my friend dawn. it was very good

-

april 17th. i woke up to a fan blowing under the carpet, a trash can under a leak in the ceiling... our hallway & bathroom
sort of flooded again. it's actually making me kind of nostalgic for when this happened around the same time last
year. i'd like if it were a tradition haha... later i poked my eye with the corner of a chocolate bar wrapper

-

april 19th. i'm blissful today, i'm blissful in spring like a seasonally adapted creature, this is how i'm choosing to think of
myself... the weather is perfect. on campus the clouds shaded patches of the landscape in a way that was beautiful & surreal.
i chased a squirrel into a tree it had no egress from & shook the branches to antagonize it. i got a shot. i made the nurse
laugh. she said, "let me just confirm, five ccs- er, zero point five ccs," & i said, "one gallon..." i packed rubber
gloves so i could go get a burger & be able to stand touching it (oil). i took nice photos. i went to the
coffee shop. when i got there, a song from velocity : design : comfort was playing on the p.a.

-

april 22nd. i received a gift in the mail: a stuffed estrogen molecule

-

april 23rd. in the early morning, i took a long, hot shower in the dark. i'm not sure i've ever showered in the dark before. it was good.
when i got up for school, though, i had to blow dry my bangs in a hurry, which had me really neurotic about them during class. immediately
after, instead of just waiting a few hours to go home & blow dry them better, i walked out into the hall, took a pair of scissors & a hand
mirror out of my purse, examined my bangs, & mistakenly cut a band of hairs in the middle a good deal too short, creating a narrow arch.
i immediately realized what i'd done & got physical anxiety, face hot with pinpricks in my cheeks. now, well... there's nothing i
can do but wait for the hairs to grow out again. at least it's not as bad as the time i had one eyebrow visible, just one...

-

april 24th. bad cynical music was playing as i woke up. i sprang out of bed & started uncoordinatedly getting
dressed, ready to leave the apartment & sprint wherever my whims took me first thing in the morning,
in frustrated opposition to the music. by the time i had gotten dressed, i had calmed down

later, i got in a car after it had been sitting in the sun & accumulating heat like a greenhouse. it seemed
like i hadn't done that in a long time. i was struck, because i'd forgotten how good it can feel. later, i
motivated myself to read a chapter of a textbook in this way: for each tenth of the chapter, i ate a sugar
cookie, a babybel cheese, & a maraschino cherry, then walked around in the sun for three minutes

-

april 27th. the humane society brought dogs to the college. i sat in a circle with some people &
pet dogs. one of the dogs would try to eat people's phones. later, i used my phone to record
a squealing hawk. then i found a lost bracelet on a picnic table, it said "small soft boy"

that night, as i was putting ingredients on a tortilla, the image of a particular nondescript roundabout at the south edge of town appeared in my
head & inexplicably gave me an emotional glimmer of pure ease, everything about existence feeling so ok & comfortable in a way that felt so simple
& familiar that it seemed impossible that i could've ever forgotten it or lost my grasp on it. like the chirping bugs outside assumed a constantly
delightful & peaceful internal meaning that they'd once always had until i became constantly distracted from it, or prone to pressure myself
to feel it, & maybe, briefly, i was living back in a time before i could care enough about my body to feel trapped in it, & also, briefly,
it felt like i might make a friend without incessantly gnawing at over-complicated questions about my motivations, or what it means to
make a friend, etc, pulling me into my own head & removing me from every moment. then, in spite of what i said about the familiar
simplicity, it disappeared in less than a second & the feeling of always being just a tiny bit spaced-out took hold again

-

april 29th. at the start of class, i dropped my pen. it landed point down & left a little line on my shirt. i immediately felt anxiety well
up in my face again. i had trouble focusing on the lecture for a little while. i guess having unfavorable physical permanence shoved in
my face out of nowhere can kind of freak me out even if it's very minor. not that it was actually permanent. when i got home, i easily
removed the stain by dabbing it with rubbing alcohol. i wouldn't have felt so anxious if i had realized at the time that i could
do that. as i walked home, i managed to scare another squirrel into a small tree it had no egress from & stare up at it

later, as i walked home from the store, two unrelated men, each on a different form of two-wheeled
transportation, called out to me as they passed. the first, on a motorcycle, said "hey girl!"
the second, on a bicycle, said "readin' 'n walkin's dangerous! (smile, chuckle)"

-

april 30th. i found a new umbrella identical to the one i lost, the one i was trying to recover
on a certain day in late 2019 when i first heard the song "small car big wheels" by enjoy

i watched some geese graze in a field. i managed to detach myself & view the scene in that really beautiful & somewhat
childlike way where, in some sense, you may prefer a photograph or video of an unknown place to actually knowing
that place, because your experience of it isn't subconsciously informed by its position relative to other locations,
placing a bunch of baggage on it. for a little while, i faced forward towards a field, not southeast towards a
field with the buildings past the treeline inhabiting the back of my head. i opened my umbrella & spun it
around out of a desire to teasingly communicate with the geese in some vague animal way. they didn't react

during my walk home, for the first time of the year, i stopped to cool off in a
gas station's "beer cave." that's the last thing that happened in april, i guess