july 18th, 2021

hoping to end up embodying the numerous posts on tumblr about love more than i end up embodying the recluse
lady with hundreds of stacks of rotting newspaper in her house, who i saw in a documentary when i was young...
hoping to look at pretty things, without subconsciously wanting some kind of greedily "sharp" pleasure from them,
thus sabotaging my ability to feel a more measured & simple kind. hoping to... be able to experience mundane
everyday platonic love for others in the slightest without feeling like an overbearing monster. if one more
person exposes me to a typical funny internet picture i am going to tie a big boulder to my leg & jump
in an ocean trench. reading this post back gives me this sense of dread, i think i'm falling for
the act of typing in some unflattering adopted voice, i don't know

july 19th, 2021

actually screw the numerous posts on tumblr about love, they're good as demonstrations of how nice
things can be, reminders to set sights high, but risk coming to feel like objectives in & of themselves
if not viewed as artifacts of more undefinably holistic ways of living positively, at best

it's probably very easy to become focused enough on "how to be happy" that it overwhelmingly distracts
from the actual act of being happy... with that said though, i'm thinking maybe one of the most important
traits to exhibit in the interest of being happy might be what i guess i'd call "fluidity" but so fluid that
i'm worried that even fixing it as "fluidity" could sabotage it by turning it into a static goal...

actually i think i'm very lonely & just identifying simple therapeutic traits that come out
during interactions with other people & trying to sculpt the traits out of words as if it'll
enable me to turn the actual act of social interaction into a personal philosophy that
i can enact in isolation so i can just sit in my room & feel right as rain