june 24th, 2022

wake up & quickly become teary-eyed over the same old seven-hundred-&-fifty-four-day-old missed connection... i know
i'm doing a lot of perpetual extrapolation about the interaction, which can only grow more & more tenuous over time. but
so much seemed so unmistakably right. so much will never seem so right ever again. no one ever feels remotely so right
to me. everyone else is practically repulsive in comparison. i need whatever i can get, & briefly there seemed to be
not just "whatever i can get" but everything. no, we didn't see each other's selves to much depth, but the most
visible signs still seemed like an unmistakable constellation. i would like any closure about the night.
i would embrace disillusionment or rejection over "Stranger has disconnected."

july 27th, 2022

i feel too in love for that love to have been cut off at a "stranger has disconnected" over two years ago.
but the endurance of the love is probably just a positive feedback loop free to grow in the empty space
that would have otherwise been occupied by rejection or disillusionment or realization. pointless.
but the reality of that growth still produces the condition described in the first sentence

the irrationality is laid bare in the two facts that i never saw his face & that
i tend to imagine him looking generally like what i'd like him to look like

july 28th, 2022

painful psychosomatic pressure inside my skull from the compulsive daydreaming being paired with the estrangement

i know it's so unwarranted given the fleetingness & tenuousness of the conversation, & just how long ago it was
by now. but then, that gets countered with: "nobody had ever spoken to me in that particular way prior, & i doubt
anyone will again." & that makes it seem warranted somehow. it was singular, the only example of itself

suggestive of a way that i've always needed to relate to someone, but never had anyone with whom i could, nor could i even
notice i needed to relate to anyone in such a way until such a person appeared. & now i have the conversation serving as
the single example of itself, & only retrospectively... it illuminated something but left me alone with it at the same time

august 9th, 2022

maybe someone i encountered years ago whose i don't even remember existing still repeats my
name the same way i repeat the name of the guy i encountered on omegle several years ago

august 10th, 2022

owls raccoons chats memories missed connection eternity... simple as!

august 25th, 2022

boring alienating stand-up comedy night forced into my head the classic awareness of nearly the entire fabric of
social reality seeming wholly devoted to being completely opposite to me at some fundamental junction, this
awareness was paired with the contrasting reality that i will almost certainly never talk to raccoon guy again

august 31st, 2022

i haven't powered on my old laptop in so long that there is a risk that the hard drive has experienced data loss. out of the many
many files on it, the only one i can actually recall the existence of & have felt worried about potentially losing is simply the chat
log of the first time in february 2019 that i encountered on omegle the person who i would later encounter again in may 2020

september 6th, 2022

shedding tears over the phrase "drive through the zoo"

october 10th, 2022

i feel i have not been dwelling on that chat so much anymore, but today in my office i realized i had once backed up
the entirety of my old laptop onto my current one & then completely forgot about doing so... naturally i reread the chat log
from 2019 immediately & eventually began to tear up & feel detectably nauseous over how much it made me wish a person
would talk to me in a similar way again, then i wrote two hundred & thirty-five more words to the defunct discord account

october 26th, 2022

in february of 2019 & may of 2020 i already ran into a guy who said things that i would like to hear for the rest of my life. but
that guy effectively does not exist anymore &... well, now, thanks to that, i still know at least one example of what those things
could sound like. & if a person doesn't really say things that evoke at least a similar feeling... i don't know, i am saying that
i am just excited to finally have such a friend as i now have & my head has been chip chipping away at any idea of it being
a doorway to finally being hugged in a way that feels like a hug, of falling face first into a hug, just maybe. but maybe
despite my excitement i just finally have such a degree of friend, & maybe if i have to wait ten times longer than average
for such a friend then i have to simply have that friend, & be happy with that, think nothing more of it, avoid the trap
of rashness, while i wait ten times longer still for the truly above & beyond person who says things like may 2020, wait
an eternity for just the one hug, the cathartic hug where i don't feel inappropriate for falling into it. i don't know

there was a phrase that i didn't remember until i reread the february 2019 conversation but
now that i do remember it i feel like it's gonna recur in my head for the rest of time

october 28th, 2022

i want to describe why i feel very peaceful, i want to make another person see it. but i'm not
sure that it's fully possible. it might not lend itself to being fixed in language. it'd take too many
paragraphs, & their form would be treacherous towards the simplicity they'd want to convey

it's like a holistic object i hold in my head, & all i can do if i want to share it is crumble
it into wimpy platitudes that fail to convey what is really a kind of texture of thought,
or flavor, or scent. maybe someday an adequate means of description will come to me

i feel like the guy i talked to in may 2020 was the only person to have genuinely felt peaceful
in the same way i do, & that is why i still cry & want closure about that encounter so badly

october 30th, 2022

randomly banned from omegle for no reason again... can no longer tease myself along with the 0.001% chance that i run into that
guy again through the only conceivable channel through which that might happen. assuming he has even used the website
in the past two years. or did not just die in a car wreck the day after we talked or something, for all i know. oh well

using my blog as a social experiment to see how many times i can lament estrangement from someone i talked
to twice, fifteen months apart, now twenty-nine months ago, before someone tells me i'm being weird

i'll just wait for the second other person on earth who understands the important wordless thing, yeah that's what i'll do

november 1st, 2022

i am just in a span of days or weeks where the aforementioned issue is prevalent. it will probably recede again. it is baffling that it
would recede to a minimal degree that you would expect after about two years, but then come back strong enough to make me cry

maybe my relationship to my friend is making it sting because i've finally really clicked with someone & it happens to demonstrate
by comparison that the conversation two years ago wasn't "just" really clicking with someone but actually unique in its comfort

maybe life will keep intermittently sending such good things my way & they will all be good but also,
to some extent, possibly sting as they continue to verify that uniqueness by exhaustive example ?

i am in need

november 17th, 2022

stuck with a set of faceless, voiceless, but earnestly perfect & actively affectionate words that i can always project
a beautiful face onto & feel sometimes a little crazy forever, & habitually i retreat to this over & over. & yes i did
never see his face so i can never actually know, i mean that it's silly, but the reality is that if not having
seen his face leaves me with this capacity then it feels inevitable that i am going to do it

at times everything washes out & oversaturates in the habitual repetition of phrases until he is just a kind of icon of
attachment that doesn't make me feel the way the conversation did. but at other times i place my neurons in just the
right order to recapture the actual way it all felt & it reminds me why it would have all come to stick with me this way

november 25th, 2022

just a beautiful & wordless & simple vision in my skull that feels very real & would make me the happiest person in the
world if someone else expressed it too but the world generally feels opposite to it to a point of it being perverse & i will not
conceal my disgust with anyone's ignorant insinuation that i have anything to do with the upside-downness that they live in

a person who was actively very nice to me & in whom i thought i saw the simple vision in my
head that the world otherwise feels so opposite to & then he disintegrated into the world's
endless unnavigable tessellation of geography & cities & buildings & names & lives