june 24th, 2022

wake up & quickly become teary-eyed over the same old seven-hundred-&-fifty-four-day-old missed connection... i know
i'm doing a lot of perpetual extrapolation about the interaction, which can only grow more & more tenuous over time. but
so much seemed so unmistakably right. so much will never seem so right ever again. no one ever feels remotely so right
to me. everyone else is practically repulsive in comparison. i need whatever i can get, & briefly there seemed to be
not just "whatever i can get" but everything. no, we didn't see each other's selves to much depth, but the most
visible signs still seemed like an unmistakable constellation. i would like any closure about the night.
i would embrace disillusionment or rejection over "Stranger has disconnected."

july 27th, 2022

i feel too in love for that love to have been cut off at a "stranger has disconnected" over two years ago.
but the endurance of the love is probably just a positive feedback loop free to grow in the empty space
that would have otherwise been occupied by rejection or disillusionment or realization. pointless.
but the reality of that growth still produces the condition described in the first sentence

the irrationality is laid bare in the two facts that i never saw his face & that
i tend to imagine him looking generally like what i'd like him to look like

july 28th, 2022

painful psychosomatic pressure inside my skull from the compulsive daydreaming being paired with the estrangement

i know it's so unwarranted given the fleetingness & tenuousness of the conversation, & just how long ago it was
by now. but then, that gets countered with: "nobody had ever spoken to me in that particular way prior, & i doubt
anyone will again." & that makes it seem warranted somehow. it was singular, the only example of itself

suggestive of a way that i've always needed to relate to someone, but never had anyone with whom i could, nor could i even
notice i needed to relate to anyone in such a way until such a person appeared. & now i have the conversation serving as
the single example of itself, & only retrospectively... it illuminated something but left me alone with it at the same time

august 9th, 2022

maybe someone i encountered years ago whose i don't even remember existing still repeats my
name the same way i repeat the name of the guy i encountered on omegle several years ago

august 10th, 2022

owls raccoons chats memories missed connection eternity... simple as!

august 25th, 2022

boring alienating stand-up comedy night forced into my head the classic awareness of nearly the entire fabric of
social reality seeming wholly devoted to being completely opposite to me at some fundamental junction, this
awareness was paired with the contrasting reality that i will almost certainly never talk to raccoon guy again