the imaginary scenario that paralyzes me:

"okay, i get it," i think to myself, "i am ready to swallow this bitter pill, or maybe a plain
& realistic pill, but a bitter one for my undisciplined self: i am never going to meet anyone who
i connect with so deeply that it creates a sense of infallible canonicity around our love for one
another. if & when i find myself truly loving someone, it will be through the mature relative
anticlimax of simply deciding to love someone who feels very 'random'"

so i simply decide to love someone who feels very "random." the next day, now
completely against my expectations, i meet someone who i connect with so deeply
that it creates a sense of infallible canonicity around our love for one another

the epilogue of the text post: i know someone very sober, dedicated, & kind who considers me his soul mate