july 16th, 2021
since january 2019 all of my most humiliatingly & sincerely affection-desperate sentiments have been relegated
to a discord server with only me in it. its usage waxes & wanes. it is up to 6,994 messages. none of it has ever
had any parallel in my actual expression to anyone. it may all be very unrealistic. the only time i've directly
disclosed any of it to anyone was when a crazy manipulative woman encouraged me to send batches of the
messages as some kind of accelerated bonding exercise in late 2019 or early 2020. i acquiesced i guess just for
the thrill of feeling like i was lowering a personal boundary that felt so impenetrably private. which was dumb.
the only person who has ever naturally spoken to me in a way that felt akin to the messages there was the guy
i met on omegle in april of this year, & i close my eyes & drift back to that occasion incessantly
august 21st, 2021
for a million billion years...
september 6th, 2021
nothing, for so long, & then, out of nowhere, a real "pinch myself," "someone can't really be saying these things"
sort of omegle conversation, one that seems to feature words lifted straight from my diary, absurd, dreamlike, with
physiological effects wholly unique to it, not sexual ones but still trembling & feeling like the whole interior of
my body is burning. & in the time since, i guess i had assumed on some level that i must have had an equivalent
experience at some point in the past, but on actually examining that assumption, no, not really. at no
time in my life have i ever had such a direct, certain, unfettered, fulfilling, undissociated
experience. & then it's done & here i am one hundred & fifty-six days later
sure let's post this, why not. i don't care. posting posts is already so perpendicular to the
normal domain of social norms, what is oversharing, what rules are there, i just don't care
september 26th, 2021
when i was with my pal in early july putting together a puzzle that looked like a pizza i kept recalling a simile
involving puzzle pieces from a conversation in early april which in july repeatedly pulled me out of the present
& made me emotional. right now i think my brain chemistry is strange so it makes me feel nothing
july 13th, 2022
i have a significant interpersonal memory that, to me, represents love akin to watching my cranky chihuahua meet another chihuahua
& undergo an immediate temperamental shift to a kind of silent, plucky interest & curiosity... two people of a same "type" who
can't recognize that "type" in themselves until they see its qualities assembled in another person, leading them to discover
an aspect of themselves in the same moment that they discover another person with which to relate about it
something that represents a really effortless sense of equality, neutrality, levelness, evenness, sameness, naturalness.
significant ease & relief on those terms. something that doesn't aim to be enrapturing but to express a tailored
& modest positivity that may ironically turn out to be enrapturing on the grounds of that modesty...
all much simpler in practice than the length of these two paragraphs suggests, basically
i have another significant interpersonal memory that, to me, represents love rooted
in a kind of perverse desire to feel possessed, & does aim to be enrapturing, maybe
august 24th, 2022
the bewildering acknowledgment that what happened in April of 2021 on Omegle.com
possibly may have counted as the most emotionally gratifying experience of my life
october 26th, 2022
only it probably wasn't... holistically so. it was like taking one fragmentary part of my head with
its own independent concerns & squeezing it like a stress ball, telling it everything it could
want to hear. it was ephemeral, & unreal. surely comparable things never happen outside of...
performance given precisely for such a fragment of someone's head. unless they do...
is everything always "normal" & "casual" ? do people ever escalate into romantic crazy exchanges without
feeling stupid & contrived underneath. are sentimental comments always just muttered & gotten out
of the way as if to fulfill a communicative obligation & quickly recoil away back to normality