july 16th, 2021
since january 2019 all of my most humiliatingly & sincerely affection-desperate sentiments have been relegated
to a discord server with only me in it. its usage waxes & wanes. it is up to 6,994 messages. none of it has ever
had any parallel in my actual expression to anyone. it may all be very unrealistic. the only time i've directly
disclosed any of it to anyone was when a crazy manipulative woman encouraged me to send batches of the
messages as some kind of accelerated bonding exercise in late 2019 or early 2020. i acquiesced i guess just for
the thrill of feeling like i was lowering a personal boundary that felt so impenetrably private. which was dumb.
the only person who has ever naturally spoken to me in a way that felt akin to the messages there was the guy
i met on omegle in april of this year, & i close my eyes & drift back to that occasion incessantly
august 21st, 2021
for a million billion years...
september 6th, 2021
nothing, for so long, & then, out of nowhere, a real "pinch myself," "someone can't really be saying these things"
sort of omegle conversation, one that seems to feature words lifted straight from my diary, absurd, dreamlike, with
physiological effects wholly unique to it, not sexual ones but still trembling & feeling like the whole interior of
my body is burning. & in the time since, i guess i had assumed on some level that i must have had an equivalent
experience at some point in the past, but on actually examining that assumption, no, not really. at no
time in my life have i ever had such a direct, certain, unfettered, fulfilling, undissociated
experience. & then it's done & here i am one hundred & fifty-six days later
sure let's post this, why not. i don't care. posting posts is already so perpendicular to the
normal domain of social norms, what is oversharing, what rules are there, i just don't care