january 20th, 2022

it would be cool if there was a hundred me's, so that if there was a bunch of people who love me, there could be another me to hang out
with them & i would not have to reserve my presence to solely where i am willing & able to be. maybe this would devalue my presence like
a currency though. i guess that, that hypothetical devaluation by duplication, would be the meaning of people being unique & special

something i find very interesting to think about is how... if you maximally interpret people as expressions of their diverse
circumstances, then the process of people meeting, becoming good friends, falling in love, on the terms of how they relate to
each other, it is like, um... if you smooth it out & ignore the demarcation between individuals, in some way it's like reality
continually joining with itself at appropriate junctions. chaos birthing bundles of signals that happen to correspond & amplify...

october 22nd, 2022

love as a person wanting something beyond themselves which could be restated as a person wanting to be "of" a
general churning of subjective elements that they're just not sufficient to carry out as one little junction of ideas
& feeling, which could be restated as um the world just wanting to move & churn & spark & swirl around

november 10th, 2022

watching two tadpoles keep near each other in the water as they investigate various plants, & not anthropomorphizing them
as loving entities in the same way people are (e.g. "ah, if i were a tadpole, in love with this other one"), but keeping to the
view that they're more like machines, particular discrete forms of the endless unified process of redistribution of proteins
(if i were a tadpole i would not be me, the exact confluence of factors that i really am). but at the same time i wouldn't
dispute that they are displaying love, & so love as a general process beyond humanity is when some things keep near each
other. & humanity does that too & people are conscious so they experience everything a certain way, namely love

i keep coming back to the idea of a person's mind losing shape until you can't quite love or even recognize them anymore. it's
horribly tragic but it fascinates me because it poses such a hard question of what it is that you previously loved, exactly.
& the answer would seem to be a certain continuity of consciousness that you just needed to see in the world. a set of
memories that you needed to know, or at least believe, were shared. there's almost an abstract selfishness to it, maybe