september 12th, 2021

i have read numerous things equating love with survival. i don't feel like trying to enumerate, quote, or paraphrase them
right now. but i have to wonder how this framing relates to the total lack of expectation placed on me to survive... i mean,
it is my two family members' love, it would seem, that exempts me from having to seek employment to survive, but again:
this still has the effect of exempting me from having to survive. which, if it's true that love is so tied to survival, seems like
a terrible loss... but then, would going out on my own be to my benefit, or just spitting in the face of a privilege that no one
should walk away from? it would seem that i'm living in a way that ideally everyone would, maybe... it feels relevant to
this line of thought that my dog doesn't need me. i'm not even expected to physically pour the dog food into her bowl

& then how does all of that relate to the idea that the survival that my family is doing on my behalf is inescapably
imposed but not even necessary in the grand scheme of things? with how society is producing enough resources
to free people from having to survive, but artificially recreating the necessity to survive with money? such
that going out on my own would just be agreeing to arbitrarily throw myself into that, i guess?

october 7th, 2021

i am given a home, i am accepted for who i am, my needs are tended to, & i am left to myself, with nothing expected in
return. & this doesn't make me feel warm, it doesn't make me smile, it doesn't make me feel anything. that makes me feel
inhuman. i feel forced by my limited perspective to take everything for granted, to see all fortune as as inevitable as
the misfortune, something else to coast by as if on a theme park ride. if the emotion isn't there, it just seems like an
absurd ritual to simply intellectualize all of my gratitude. this is why i want to be deprived for the sake of feeling
able to appreciate anything, why i want my past to retroactively involve tragedy just so i can be in the process of
renewed recovery from it. i have no stakes, i need no one, i need nothing. there is no solace to be found in anyone
or anything because solace is not needed. i want to feel connected to a narrative - not a silly spectacular narrative
but any of the narratives that people's lives seem to actually follow. tragedy-&-recovery, & so on. i guess
it can potentially be this aimlessness, & then the exit from this aimlessness