may 28th, 2021

as anything happens to me, i'm already thinking about how i would describe it in writing, what it
would mean to publish it while withholding some other event. sometimes i think about what could
happen in the near future, & how i'd describe it if it happened. sometimes i imagine if i began
crying at a certain time, & what it might mean that i'd cried at that time, if it'd seem petulant or
passionate, & if i could believe that i hadn't induced myself to cry just to report it, & what the
discrepancies would be between the meaning of the act of crying & the meaning of the writing
about the act of crying. it's like there's no delay between any event & it feeling like the
story of itself, or the report of itself, whatever the difference may be

incidental music & studio audience laughter/awws/etc. & just third-person omniscient narrators
are so, so creepy. the way it... like, it's like it codes every aspect of reality in the show but
there's no one doing it, it's just the reality of the little world until your brain develops enough
to confront the style of the show as the ideas of the people who made it. the idea of an abstract
viewership sneering at me with objective authority followed me through my adolescence

may 29th, 2021

the idea of it being too easy to be biologically alive for ninety years & never exist. existing outside but
but not inside. existing inside but not outside. existing neither inside nor outside. needing to brute force
a pattern of aligned thoughts that i would surely agree constituted really existing, once i found them

july 13th, 2021

maybe part of why i feel derealized is being naturalized to constant access
to an audience for whom i can format the things that actually happen to me
into descriptions that walk an uncertain line between accounts & stories

august 27th, 2021

waiting waiting waiting scanning crowds waiting for my as-of-yet-unknown future
best friend to walk around every corner i approach straining to filter signals of
synergistic identity out from the noise waiting waiting waiting waiting

all while actually hiding desperately from anyone of the barest interest, so as to by any means negate the
perceived sinister qualities of seeking to approach, encroach, impose, god forbid "possess," this extending
to the barest "possession" that even the most glancing friendship entails, basic conversation perceptually
exaggerated to each sentence being a demand for a reply rather than just a prompt

august 28th, 2021

in addition to straining to filter signals of synergistic identity out from the noise, there is also the activity which
kicks in if & when someone does speak to me, which is straining to detect any signal that their way of engaging with me
is in any way informed by e.g. tv shows, or even if not tv shows, other people who in turn were informed by tv shows,
or other people representing a third link in the chain, & so on. at the slightest hint of this i will just emotionally
shut down & invisibly retract like a turtle. sometimes i wonder if it is too sensitive, if i am not giving people
enough time. it is also based on the questionable assumption that whatever i see invariably originates in tv
shows, rather than originating in the people & then being portrayed or exaggerated in the tv shows so
that they are relatable. like i already said before though, i'm sure there's fuzzy feedback

i imagine violating a social norm in a one-on-one interaction to feel like receiving the disapproval of not just them
but all the millions of people who would vouch for them in that situation... it makes sense to me, people establish
norms by expressing them en masse & then the full weight of all those expressions is supposed to weigh on you
if you threaten to violate one. it's like millions of people are spectrally present, judging. i feel that sharply
when i talk to people, i think. i can't feel alone with anyone, it's like i'm in a dialogue with all of
society. i don't know. it's hard to describe. it makes it feel impossible to have a pure conversation

"i hope this is something that's just idiosyncratically wrong with me as a person rather
than me specifically being affected by some insidious pattern of social control!"

september 2nd, 2021

this general distrust of everything is to an excessive, debilitating extent. i'm sitting in the back room of the
coffee shop where this art show is taking place, & i hear a guy complimenting aspects of one of the paintings, & my
immediate thought is that he is just insincerely doing what he thinks people are supposed to be doing at art shows.
i overhear conversations in the bar & think the participants are unconsciously modeling them after what it seems
like "bar conversations" are supposed to be. my dad speaks to me, i just stare because i feel like he's following a
compulsion to act out some image of a dad speaking to his child, or maybe subverting it, but ultimately referring
back to it regardless. i can't convince myself that anything is "really happening." it's not delusional to the
extent that i think i'm in some "truman show" type setup with actors, but i'm obsessed with the notion
of everything being an imitation of some pointless model of itself, i can't connect with anything

september 3rd, 2021

taking a trait that one actually possesses & co-opting it into an identity that is a separate entity from the trait itself,
& not realizing that it is an identity open to rejection because it so resembles the objective trait it's built off of?