i - >

established november 20th, 2021


you may consider this a "sequel" or "midquel" to the Preservations section of this website

something interlaced with it. something that may, in time, hopefully replace it

i've well established by now that blogging on a platform with "likes" is quite painful for me

even if i do tend to eventually relocate things to the Preservations section

i am still having public "spirals" with some regularity, because i feel so judged

because i (delusively) feel like i try to be positive & only have it stamped into the dirt

now i will attempt to neutralize this: to make this website the original location of a thought

each thought will be safe from the get-go from any numerical judgment

i will have significantly less affirmation that any of it has been read

but that will be okay. hopefully i will begin to heal!

so, without further ado, let us initiate:

the "relocation" section of my website

as the text gets smaller & smaller

November 1st, 2021

i have a tendency to populate pages like this retroactively, & so too will i do that here

i want to go to st. louis, missouri

i perked up & sprinted out of my room in a panic because i realized i had put a pot of water on the stove about an hour ago and forgotten about it... but when i got to the kitchen, i just found my cup of cooled vanilla chai lavender chamomile tea... i had actually forgotten that i had started steeping it

i need to find spearmint tea!!! that'll be a blast from the past!!! that's the one i started with...

ohh, sleepytime + earl grey is nice... i wonder if i tend to get even ratios when i steep these simultaneously or if one tends to overtake the other & like. fill the water to its maximum density of tea particles

each month has a subtle & undramatic but still particular character. i look forward to november 2021 revealing its character to me

the group vocals in Judas (by Freshly Wrapped Candies) make me kindof emotional

vanilla chai / lavender chamomile...

November 2nd, 2021

last tuesday, i just slept through my first two classes, because my sleep pattern had gotten super messed up & if i went i felt i would be miserable & retain nothing. today i was actually going to go, but i dozed off with my phone on my bed! which unavoidably means that when my alarm goes off, i grab the phone & shut it off while remaining 100% unconscious of doing that. then wake up way too late, wondering what happened... except not wondering, because i just said what happened. i slept through classes on thursday too, i really do not like this

"we walk the earth in these wimpy little bodies"

hearing two glass objects knock against each other too loudly is life ruining

November 3rd, 2021

new tea flavors... lemon, spearmint, bengal spice, green with mint, green with pomegranate, matcha green with turmeric, white chocolate peppermint, one based around having lots of vitamin c

November 4th, 2021

i'm gonna replace the defunct multivitamins section on my "pills" spreadsheet, which is currently just host to how much medication i have left & the amount of days between each coffee i have. maybe i could also transfer the alcohol purchases log i've been doing since august 2019. but i'm gonna add, umm, each day will have two boxes. that should both be green by the end of the day. the condition to turn one box green is drinking a full bottle of water

the coffee one... i keep setting days i have to try to wait to, where each will increase the average by .5 if i succeed. until i ideally get it back to 7

disarming glibness rocks

November 5th, 2021

i've never had curry or any other vehicle for turmeric before, i think. so i hope this tea with turmeric is not unappealing

this is funny in the same way as"the man who plays music on his fingers," where it's... just the worst thing ever, for way way too long

i think this one is worse, actually. i like the spoken preface, but...

this one is just awesome. this is music i like hearing

i think occasionally about Jamie Stewart's elaboration on the title of the song "20,000 Deaths for Eidelyn Gonzales, 20,000 Deaths for Jamie Peterson"

"This song isn't really about either of those people. A lot of Xiu Xiu titles don't necessarily refer to the subject matter of the song. Eidelyn Gonzales was someone who I, for lack of a better description, had a fuck-buddy relationship with, who I treated very, very, very badly, and in no uncertain terms took pretty horrible advantage of her, I think for a couple of years. Jamie Peterson was a percussionist I liked a lot but anyone barely knew. She played in a lot of Bay Area bands, lots of experimental stuff but nothing anyone would've heard of. But she's a really good percussionist. Anyway, Eidelyn, I'm sorry I was such a shithead to you."

can't cancel mr. stewart if his music career is already an endless string of public self-evisceration i guess...

hobbies. romanticization of hobbies. certain formative experiences around plants -> inclination to have romanticizable gardening hobby among what one can enjoy... blurry childhood unclear memory stagnant -> ??

i like 100 by dean blunt

i've been thinking about a silly sonic the hedgehog rock song incessantly (this machine). it's good... it popped into my head yesterday after years & yeeaars of not thinking about it. i never even played sonic heroes, it played on loop in this newgrounds game. it was like kitten cannon but with sonic characters & points & upgrades

i don't like the turmeric green tea very much. it reminds me of a candy i don't like. i can't place it. maybe the candy has turmeric in it

oh, it's a certain flavor of gurley's jelly bean. i can't find documentation of gurley's jelly bean flavors. i'd have to walk to the gas station & look at a bag... oh, it's the licorice ones. i don't remember what black licorice tastes like. i mean, i can't remember if the licorice jelly beans adequately reflect black licorice, i.e. whether my real enemy is them or black licorice

November 6th, 2021


i typed this so in-depth 'cause i thought it was just some person who was interested. but then i noticed they're a site admin, so i followed it up anxiously with that second comment! blaauauwuwuahahe!

i copied my whole favorites playlist to a new playlist called "Favs Prior to Pruning," psychologically enabling me to extensively gut the actual one & move stuff around

aaahhh sliced dragon fruit is so nice looking

November 7th, 2021

i will pay anne gillis 37,724,896,958,728,193 dollars to make another minimal synth type album like Pomme Ou Pas Pomme...

tonight im gonna pour some bottled starbucks from the gas station in a mug & microwave it so i can feel like im enjoying a nice cup a joe. like some kind of... psychopath!

trying to write a persuasive speech about participating in Food Not Bombs. but the speech is largely composed of reasons to do it, which is just. human empathy really? i would need more points. to occupy 4-6 minutes. maybe i could say it's an opportunity to socialize

ok, i've made decent progress on the script. if i sleep now, i can get eight hours & have four hours to get this done. i think that'll work out

November 8th, 2021

finding the unconventionally placed picture on the left really refreshing... wikipedia needs some spicing up! omg, there's a bunch like that

im eating three hard boiled eggs. you wish you were me!

everyone wishes they were alex when she eats eggs

November 9th, 2021

i really love the ending section of "haven't got a penny" by the magnetic fields, & generally the vocal melody in the choruses

years like "7,000,000,000 BC" are funny. something about how, even if it's a time long before people exist, it's still referencing Jesus. he's coming!

a radio tower with numerous support cables running down to the ground, creating a sort of implied pyramid. birds land on the lines & portray a permutation of points along them, & also throughout the interior of the pyramid, but only along the lines that happen to be delineating it... no, the highest lines are entirely responsible for delineating it & the birds perch on the vertexes. the cables below are arbitrary. this is dumb

i like the excess of citations here

i'm glad i'm starting with the most homoerotic plato dialogue

November 10th, 2021

noooo! i have to peer review a radio show by the guy who just talks about superhero movies, with no script, & very clearly with no script... my 80s episode will be reviewed by a girl named Samantha

do your best by john maus & changeling by dj shadow... realizing these are "the two songs with the really great snares." the two nocturnal songs with the really great snares that evoke streetlights. wateryily nocturnal

i can't record the spoken parts of my radio show! every time i talk, my tongue contacts the roof of my mouth or somewhere else, & as it breaks contact with that surface, there is this terrible sticky sound. i don't know what to do about it. maybe i didn't hydrate enough in preparation. well, i will give myself until eight pm. time to drink a bunch of water & have my body actually do stuff with it

November 11th, 2021

truth & beauty & freedom & unity & reconciliation & forgiveness & catharsis & harmony & benevolence & honesty & peace :(

one of the foods i ate irritated the gum around one of my wisdom teeth :( this always happens quickly, lasts hours, & is mildly night-ruining... produces a constant obsession with the section of gum, compels me to kind of dig with my nails at the space between the last molar & the wisdom tooth, like it'll bring relief somehow, but it never does. i desperately took six hundred milligrams of ibuprofen. this will decisively settle whether this irritation desponds to ibuprofen

November 12th, 2021

fourteen minutes after five, my show still has not started on the actual station... feeling really disheartened by this happening with this episode in particular

i love eating the white of a hard-boiled egg purely for the texture. but the yolks start to nauseate me after one or two

i love deviled eggs. one of my favorite foods, i think

November 13th, 2021

this video gives me an uneasy uncanny valley feeling. like umm uhh. this is a first-person video of a guy walking around dingy places with the camera trained on the beam of his flashlight. & a survival horror game is a first-person view where you walk around dingy places witha flashlight that your PoV is trained on. so naturally the video is going to look like a survival horror game. but: i swear it looks like a survival horror game beyond that, like he's doing all these little camera nuances to give it that look more than it already does. like it's supposed to hook me in through like pavlovian memories of playing some game

now i will try... bengal spice + chamomile

is cinnamon generally sort of mouth/throat-burning for everyone or do i have a mild allergy to it?

broccoli, cinnamon, & maraschino cherries...

black cherry + peppermint. matcha green w/ turmeric + green w/ lemon

November 14th, 2021

i will redact my public online expression of mental illness instead of compulsively relocating it to a discord channel, even though i have some degree of desire for it to be seen so that i can feel understood with respect to it

honey vanilla chamomile + lavender chamomile

November 15th, 2021

amoxicillin... i take two capsules right now, then four single-capsule doses per day until it's all gone. i guess i only start the four-daily tomorrow then. gonna have to take special measures to remember that i guess... oh, these are big pills, this sucks. or, to be more accurate, long pills, strangely long

November 16th, 2021

i hope this isn't a totally flagrant way to frame things with respect to my friend's passing but i'm about to. uh. do the thing where you try to make something of a tragedy by using its display of our ultimate ephemerality to reason that it's not really that big of a deal if you try reaching out to someone. even if it turns out to be a mistake, despite the mortality framing seeming like it should justify anything, practically.

i just identified by smell that i started boiling a pot of water & forgot, & it all boiled away, & the pot sat there with no water in it for a long time. never a proud thing to identify...

nooo, the amoxicillin gave me the "pill stuck in throat" feeling

i don't know, i don't know. maybe not. a 1,406-word letter probably isn't normal

ok. i may have just disconcerted someone. i just have to live with that. the mental barrier i just crossed...

im playing bingo

three spaces away from a blackout...

i didn't get a bingo

everyone laughed at the end part of my mini documentary

for real obsessed with "dog breath in the year of the plague"

why is everyone at the gas station always so scary? people who aren't scary have to be getting gasoline & snacks too!

this feels like the year i started writing. like, yeah, i started pouring stuff onto neocities last year, but things i've typed in 2021 feel like the sum of what i've typed. i can't say it's all good, but it's all what i feel the best about

November 17th, 2021

i dont know why the dentist wants me to take valium tonight. does it last that long...?

oh, i guess it stays in your system for like ten days, haha

one time two of my friends were having an argument that was going nowhere & they decided to just halt it by simultaneously taking klonopin. it made them both really loopy

i was weird in 2017. during that month long trip to new york with them that was kind of interpersonally chaotic, i was just constantly writing these journal tumblr posts expounding on our interactions in fairly personal ways. & it wasn't like a secret, we all used tumblr a lot, we all knew we all saw whatever we all posted. they were ok with it i guess

November 18th, 2021

we're closing in on the clinic...

i have taken all of the pills. i am just pacing the lobby now, waiting to vanish. no stopping it now

should start hitting by 9:42. this is my only chance to address an amnesiac self maybe. hi alex. i love you!

feeling normal. i'm a bit worried, cause i stupidly put the water in the cup with all the pills in it? & it turned the blue one into goop. i had to scoop it with my fingernail & eat it. i don't know which it was

9:53, starting to feel drunkish. like drunk but more springy maybe. hi alex. nothing weird happened in the waiting room. that's not suspiciously specific denial, i'm just trying things. actually 9:57 to 10:12 i think, for the medications to kick in all the way

i am quite slow now, i think

"typomg tst"
"fuzy wyzztws eb"
"fuzzy wuxxy wuz a bead buazzy wyxyh adno hair fuzzy wwuzzy wasnt vrtyfuzzu ead e=hd"

when i'm in target i always get the same three comfort foods... they're always either babybel cheeses, microwave pizza bagel bites, or la croix

blueberry + green

November 19th, 2021

ten after, nothing playing on the radio thus far...

my dad has verified that i didn't pee my pants after i got home from the dentist. i had a light suspicion based on some extremely vague recollection that might have just been a dream. & i also woke up that night without underwear on even though i usually sleep in it. so the cause of that will just remain a mystery i guess

amnesia is simultaneously boring & interesting, the essentially boring character owing to it being precisely a void of any content. i hope the drive home was pretty for me. i'm really in love with the reality that fuzzy wuzzy was my go-to thing in that state

it's easy to privately reason to oneself that sometimes life might entail taking the risk of discomfiting people, just for the sake of breaking patterns & trying to make anything happen, & if it does discomfit them, just having to live with that. but then, when it comes to actually putting that into practice, it's like... my god, the idea of being the recipient of a justified "what is wrong with you?" feels like dying

i feel like that thought cuts straight to a particular fear that pervasively paralyzes me: i am afraid of employing misdirected bravery. employing bravery in any direction is a big investment, & to put it to a misdirected use, it's like... any occurrence of that will compound on all future attempts at bravery, make them all more difficult

i got a youtube ad that was just a whole song & music video that the guy got put into the rotation as an "ad" i guess

i've been unable to find my tweezers for days :( my neck is very in need of plucks!

November 20th, 2021

i'm gonna ask my brother to run me to a casey's... it really is gonna drive me crazy tonight. i think he's been drinking though. i have to just. do my best. to not think about it. i might cave in & call a cab there eventually, i don't know

i am typing this to affirm that i don't have to worry about whether or not i am meaningfully human or whether or not it's my fault in the case that i'm not. i sure am afraid of having inhibitory inhuman un-living standards & patterns of behavior ingrained in me though. pretty nervous that even if i feel akin to peers who i get along with & who feel like reasonable people that what if they're no exception to the uniformity of the standards & so serve in me as a rationale for conforming to them. i have no one to be absurd with

black cherry + blueberry. soo good... wholly obsoletes the cup of sugar you dump into a pitcher of kool-aid

what if adding the right flavor to (black cherry + blueberry) could really really...

November 21st, 2021

i don't want cynicism in my heart but it's there so i have to take it out, which takes effort



i have a closely guarded secret that's been present to some degree in every single day of my life for a pretty good while now. i wish i didn't

an impure manifestation of a gradient can just be a hierarchy with a quintillion categories, if need be (rolling eyes) if anyone manifests an impure gradient... i will destroy them!

{page established}

i love you

i am so sorry for any & every ounce of cynicism that has ever inhabited my heart at any moment, &, for my imperfection, may very well inhabit it in the future. if you're not being evil, i love you so much. it's important to never call anyone evil. it's important to never call anyone a scumbag or a monster. you have to say "being evil." you have to say "being a scumbag" or "acting like a monster." assign states of momentary being, not essential ones. you will never "be evil." you can always stop. maybe you have to kill off the momentum, but you will stop in the end. one can always be purified. there is always hope. i swear to god. i swear to god. in this part of the paragraph i'm drifting into speaking to a hypothetical person who is being a monster but is just like me. i'm not the shallow cloyingly saccharine words of all the other fluttering paper dolls, i promise, i'm committed to being an exception to solipsism, i'm thinking, i'm feeling, i'm real, this is only parasocial, (in fact i may now be dead twenty or two hundred years in the past, god willing these hard drives survive), but i want to display & verify my realness to you & affirm to you that by my most reasonable estimate there is hope for purity & to change. i went from writing anguished screeds expressing the absolute inexistence of innocence, to desiring to write doctrines on its impermeable invincibility & unsilenceability &, god, the notion of it spreading virally & curatively across this sick planet, real real real real innocence & kindness, no platitudes that sear your eyes like neon with their artificiality, no hyperreal innocence, no "sweet" gestures in the mere shape of prior gesture-shapes that, somewhere in their lineage, long ago, lost any root in lived life. i swear to god, i swear to god, i swear to god, let these words pierce you if you are in need of being pierced

no it's not for anyone in particular. i just needed to inaugurate the page with something unhindered like that

to the extent that my neocities is for anyone, i guess it's kind of for people first discovering it at whatever stage it's at at that moment, because with the way it's set up, actually keeping track of the things i add seems like it would be an impossible nightmare. there's no log of newly added pages, or changes to pages, & it just kind of branches off irregularly & ends at lots of different pages that have new entries added sporadically with no rhyme or reason, sometimes after months & months of inactivity. what would be a "tag" on a blogging site is instead the title of a dedicated webpage

deciding on concepts that are worth dedicating pages to is fun... like, "Reality" has really been working out, so i hit the mark there on labeling something that i end up coming back to a lot. then there's something that sees less use, like "Love\Survival" which is nowhere as prevalent as "Reality" but does have like three entries across a decent span of time so there was something there

i need dynamic life

"episode" by john maus. i happened to be listening to it when i heard about my friend's passing. then it landed as the first song that posted after um, many distressed but largely unrelated posts that i partly suspect were a sublimation of the feelings around that. now i am finally done moving those onto neocities as is routine, &, uhh, like, i crawl along my blog toward the most recent post, overcoming backlog & listening to the daily songs as i reach them. so episode by john maus. i don't know why i'm describing this, it's kind of. nothing. just that the song manifested as like a bookend of the relevant week

i like how the "overall grades" & all that in Blackboard are total nonsense. like you look at a class mid-semester & you have a D & an A for it overall. & you must simply come to terms with that

incredibly mawkish? who's to say. i just felt like i had to exercise my freedom in impulsively typing something very unhindered toward no one in particular to inaugurate this webpage with its cleansing intent... i'm not going to link this page on tumblr, i think. i'm too embarrassed now. & that's not a problem. this page is not to have any assumed link to tumblr. i am just going to assume people are finding it & seeing it, to placebo placate my want to feel seen, but i will not make the audience link explicit

"likes" are weird, they're like little pinhole dots of meaning... "i want to affirm to you that i read this specific thing even though i generally read most of the things" ?? so so so much activity around that exchange. because it's open to projection i guess??

i mull over my rym scores a lot... i feel genuinely invested in like, making progression toward determining for myself exactly what an "8" is, & so on . it feels less like ascribing validity to the structure of the site, & the acts of ranking & quantifying things, & more like choosing to idly toy with a rubik's cube... it feels like there are blurry answers at the end but there's no quick easy way to get there

November 22nd, 2021

there'll still be a time & a place for tumblr. things i feel more confident about than usual. but i really hope for this page to take the edge off

my cheetah spots blanket i've had since i was perhaps a baby is Sweet Pea's sworn enemy. once i toss it on her, she's having the fucking time of her life

bengal spice + blueberry. poor blueberry... it doesn't need to be overwhelmed by stupid cinnamon. but i will indulge the ritual!

my eyes are so achy. i think i strained them a good deal with all the intensive text-relocating i did today

im thankful for my eyes. they seem to work about as good as a set of eyes can. thats my thanksgiving thankful

ive got a can of root beer going right now. shame on me! two cans of a&w within the same day? 172% daily recommended value of added sugar! have a three musketeers bar on top of that? that's, what, like, 232%? aaahhh it's so effed!

remembering my job shadow at the IT department of a hospital... that was so so fun

the first thirty-four seconds of this are... it doesnt get any better than this! perfect music for alex

thanksgiving break = i can finally catch a break from coffees

November 24th, 2021

aaahhh what! i'm finally getting to this album, i didn't think they'd have a song that sounds like this

i just banged one of my fingernails on a door & cleanly sheared it to a shorter length again. & the nail must have flown off somewhere. & i genuinely wouldn't know, since like, i don't memorize how long a given nail currently is. but i can tell because when i teach the end of that finger it's unpleasantly tender in the way it is after i trim or lose a nail, i think... my body is generally good at keratin i guess, like the long nails, & nothing bad happens if i aggressively shave my whole leg without water or shaving cream

November 25th, 2021

i exist

i exist

i exist

i was born in love with everything
exhausted empathy, i got bored
there's a truth in apathy, isolated entropy
let's get bored, let's get born
& feed the sickle down our throats

November 26th, 2021

"pena" is my favorite trout mask replica song by a pretty good margin. possibly because its just a ween song

terrifying that this is merely the 2011 of the 2020s... what lies in store for us this decade?

i can go read this, the next poetry night is umm. december 20th. & on the 21st is the next lgbt thing so i can see how that is

i just got mandela'd into the universe where this is called foilly foibles instead of folly foibles
this song has a lot of good sounds in it. which is what you hope for... when you say a song has "a good sound" - this is a synechdoche

in love with "more people have been to Russia than i have"

i have a two-character discord name... occupying some valuable real estate here. only a select uhh. well let's see. only a select 6,758,648 people can get a hold of one of these suckers. unless capitalization makes them count as different. & thats only letters. whatever. this isnt funny enough that i want to think about it so hard!!!

i wish the teacher who taught me the fundamental counting principle had taught me umm. an extension of it. cause i don't know how to determine like... wait, maybe i do actually. like if there's three spaces each with ten choices. but there's also a fourth space with some number of choices, which is active only if umm. some condition. like space 2 being set to 4. or within some range... i think the way you do that is just count how many states there are that activate the conditional space, & multiply that number of states by how many choices there are for the conditional space

i cant drink nine day old tumeric cinnamon tea can i? like if it could get moldy it would have by now, right... so its fine... but will it damage my dignity?

ok i poured it out. i have to get tumeric and cardamom cinnamon teas to make up for the ones i didnt drink though

modern variety of folklore that takes the form of people saying "i read about this study where" & then saying the most insane things imaginable

November 27th, 2021

i've sort of put myself in a limbo by sending the letter. naturally i wonder if i'll receive a reply. until i receive a reply, i am waiting to find out if i will receive one. if i never receive a reply... i will be waiting forever! until i pass into some hazily defined time frame where it's at last reasonable to assume there won't be one. i'll try to stop anticipating after the 30th... two weeks after sending

an absence of a reply at least comes with the assurance that, ahhm, if they dislike the letter then they still don't dislike it enough, or at least aren't invested enough in that dislike, to bother reflecting the dislike back to me

this tea contains probiotic bacteria. one hopes they survive the boiling water that is needed to steep the tea

the stupid marxist rock album from 1975 is growing on me. about a month after i had... processed that band & familiarized with both albums & put them on youtube & listened to them with my friend, someone went & gave the first album a 0.5 on rym which i find mildly concerning

someone writing a one thousand page book trying to develop a theory to explain the all-time top albums on rym... like, it might feel understandable for a layman based on various stereotypes but that understanding is just a hypothesis! no one really knows why the hell the order is what it is! & the book performs an extremely thorough cultural analysis

a halved orange. consider this

i love fun

disco beat automatically makes a song good

i still don't understand what's with the hi hat in a beat that sounds disco-y. like if i make the easiest dance beat in ableton i feel like it doesn't sound like that! the decay is like reversed. or the hi hat is like fizzy

open closed! i forgot they can be that

cow moo mp3

the momentum of the cow moo in funstep makes me crazy

November 28th, 2021

calcium by ecco2k

the first chris & cosey album is pretty boring i think. its like the techno music mr krabs danced to... that actual little techno song from spongebob played on the intercom at the store that has all those cheap tapes. lots & lots of songs on the intercom there seem chosen to make nerds go :O why is THAT playing on the intercom? but when there's so many like that, you just grow numb to it

i keep thinking about people calling themselves a different name when they want to elicit a particular sort of mindset from themselves, which they have like. compartmentalized to that other name. or i've heard of it being used for manipulation in certain contexts, i think. thinking about one's surname's relationship to the internet. the idea that on some level you could be... split, into 1. a mononymous self who represents how you act online; &, you know, 2. Jane Doe, private

one two three four five. five named clive

November 29th, 2021

i seriously have to finish Maniac McGee this week. i got it from the library right before the end of last semester. i have to at least have it back this semester!

November 30th, 2021

nothing less than bleeding living unabated dynamicity

i feel like im winding tighter & tighter toward a singularity of topics i ever think about

i somehow got a 31/30 on the mini-doc assignment where i didn't even have an interview

it's thinking about the same person over & over & feeling upset because even if they'll never know, & the thoughts never even manifest in any way, it stills feels like you won't "leave them alone"

December 1st, 2021

i have (a) technologically mediated addiction(s) that give me problems with being normal. when they flare up i type absurd things that feel like they introduce distortions of me into people's memories permanently. akin to permanent self-damage

actually i don't have to think either of the prior three sentences are true. and anything i've ever suffered, as a product of them appearing to be true, didn't really have to happen

^ what i'd like to believe. i posit that even if it's not true, maybe things can be fine if i do believe it, as long as i really earnestly believe it

the self-obsessed despondency & the stuffed animals... the yin & yang... its all part of the same whole...

December 2nd, 2021

the "who are you? who are you?" at the start of volcanic bird enemy

mixing earl grey & vanilla chai... this is basically just a cheat coffee that doesn't go on the spreadsheet

i love "California Girls"

basically ublock origin browser plugin is a big holy water doused crucifix warding off demonic possessions manifested by Tumblr notes

demeaning a guy by calling him a little silhouetto of a man

society if audacity had horizontal lines marking every .1 or .05 db that the envelope dots could snap onto

December 3rd, 2021

Before He Cheats but the chorus ends after she says "That I dug my key into the side"

i wonder how many pop songs have the same vocal take edited in for each chorus & how many have them just singing it several times with no significant difference

December 4th, 2021

ive drank so much fruit teas tonight

did not not not expect the second song of "in menstrual night" to go this hard!

if you google quotes from slaughterhouse-five you can find these depressing weebly pages where high school teachers are taking the really accessible & human writing style & having a bunch of kids arbitrarily dice it into little pieces like a still-alive writhing fish & sort all the little fish bits into categories like "ethos" & "pathos" & "logos"

December 5th, 2021

i have cheese cubes

we should invent cheese tea

colonized, debatably blameless, guilty regardless

sometimes ya just wanna type phrases where you know exactly what they mean & don't expect anyone else to - & count on it, even

perceiving recursive colonization

i just want it to stop being so grave. i want it to become something to look back on & laugh at how i took it so gravely. i feel like i haven't had any choice. i'd prefer to believe i haven't had any choice - the shame of it being voluntary would be too great. i have given up trying to understand. does it even exist anymore? or has it slimmed down to a mere self-sustaining notion of it still existing

my dad's obsessed with the jim carrey grinch lately

December 6th, 2021

i like solo paraiso summer songs ep

debating whether to leave my tea mug sitting with orange fanta in it before i fall asleep (to dissolve the tea stains) or if this would strip it of its character as a mug i've drank so much tea out of!

i like the little interstitial phrases that are like the titles of successive scenes in the Charmides dialogue. maybe they're in the others too. i'm not at them yet. not titles, but like... summaries that'd appear on a title card in a silent film, kind of

i like peppermint tea

if i can stay awake for ten hours i can walk to the library & return maniac magee

well, my old phone's sim card just got remotely deactivated or whatever. guess it's over. they mailed me a new phone for free a few days ago. i'll probably carry both phones around with me. i'll have to at least move all my music onto the new phone if i wanna walk around scrobblin' it

December 7th, 2021

december 7th is a win truly. in the books as a green checkmark. i was shown a new songs-era john maus song that only became publicly existing earlier this year...

peach + wild berry is good

the taste of peach + wild berry tea is somehow adjacent to the smell of maybe both an automotive shop & a house i lived in as a kindergartener

December 8th, 2021

looking for a concise word for "drown out" or "speak over." one signal or current overcoming another but not snuffing it out entirely. something like overcome, overtake, submerge, supplant, subsume, supersede. i may just settle for one of these

i went with overtake

it's just so weird how much of mental life becomes energy with the internet. when there were just saber-tooth tigers running around, all the drama of life was carried by the actual digging of one's fangs into some animal's calf. now so much of the physicality of life is just the sparking around the globe of the signals that directly instigate mental activity. receiving a text message that makes you have a panic attack. it's like being as psychic as people actually are & always were

i'm getting the impression that this phone's inarticulable quirks make successful scrobbling very spotty... i think i will carry it around with me so that i can use it as a hotspot, connect the old phone to its wifi & listen to music on walks like i always have. when the screen is off, it will sporadically "unload" the last fm app, or "sleep" it, or whatever stupid nonexistent terminology applies. you know, when the logo comes up as opposed to not... giant bureaucratic hand of God reaching down & convolutedly disrupting a simple comfort that is particular to me

December 9th, 2021

mildly sweaty & trembly & exhausted if i just walk around. not sure my body appreciated me waking up & immediately downing a bunch of a really sugary gingerbread shake

December 11th, 2021

i like how this basic banalities guy is doing the numbered sections thing too but they just get absurdly long compared to society of the spectacle

December 12th, 2021

"these things take time" might be my favorite album i discovered this year, i might be forgetting something though. it puts into perspective how long a year is when i consider that the time i distinctly associate with listening to "computer world" by kraftwerk a lot, back in april, was in this year

tanoshii ongaku's "yappari" is real good too. & katrina vasquez's demos

i think the way i just sang "you get brighter" by incredible string band to myself was obscenely cute. but you just had to be there!

ive listened to this album enough that when i sing along i mirror the enunciation perfectly & i think doing that is fun

December 14th, 2021

the fruit gummies i just ate had all the usual fruits & then a carrot gummy. it tasted the best too. guess carrots are alright

i've been trying to listen through wee tam & the big huge for like three days now but every song is one that i want to play on repeat

wigging me out that 10x*(x/10) = x^2 ... im really bad at this kind of reasoning

December 15th, 2021

its been really windy all day yesterday & still right now. the sound is really soothing

theres limescale in my kettle

have to remember poetry night on the 20th

im lastingly inspired by watching my grouchy chihuahua meet another chihuahua years ago

i feel so comfortably myself recently & i think 2022 is going to be cool. i've been kind of socially retracted too i feel but it'll be ok

love for fake things, but only insofar as they serve as vehicles for real things

its beautiful cause holding a person is such a stupid need & its precisely by admitting & demonstrating that need to another person that it is satisfied

December 16th, 2021

i had another coffee shop closure dream. i remember feeling like i was gonna cry

why are people so obsessed with saying a piece of music makes them nostalgic for things they didn't experience

i know i came up with a joke months ago but i cant remember it. like it was a normal "joke" type joke, where the setup is a question & the punchline is an answer. this is driving me crazy!

its time to grit my teeth & mark all my discord channels as read... the comical irony of how i want to keep up with some channels sufficiently that i develop a backlog that i neglect to tackle & thus don't read them at all, for months

what is the implied action when people say "if you will" after they make up some neologism on the fly. if i will what? spare their life?

just stubbed three toes on my washing machine so bad i spent about a minute having blurred vision for the first time in my life

December 17th, 2021

im watching the sifl & olly show

chrysalises in chrysalises

have to remember poetry night on the 20th

i want to be eight years old having to pass an entire night alone in a room where i have to stay quiet so as not to wake people up, with nothing but that bouncing dvd logo & a bunch of unentertaining bedroom objects to keep me company & it feels like it last twenty years

December 18th, 2021

i feel like all my cogs that i keep turning to keep myself occupied are ceasing to exist. i cant focus on anything. i wait for each day to start so that i can send another song & some more book excerpts in my discord channel. beyond that i dont know what i expect to do each day. ive been trying to listen through Wee Tam & the Big Huge for what feels like half a month now. like just a random particular listen through. i cant remember what occupies most of each. day i might be reading... webpages? or just pacing while i anticipate activity in discord dms or servers. i don't know

we let our neighbors use our grill for a cookout & they gave us a bunch of kebabs <3

4645 E Pike, Zanesville, OH 43701

December 19th, 2021

that's the weird hotel we got stuck at in 2017. if you search zanesville abandoned holiday inn you can find at least one video of the inside i think. i found a news article about it shutting down in 2018 but it's listed as travelodge on google maps with options to book, so i think they bought it & got it back to code

December 21st, 2021

teetering on the verge of a wikimedia scarecrow photo obsession right now

December 23rd, 2021

i separately identify with the character of every individual synth timbre on these things take time

December 26th, 2021

listening to vitamin c's "graduation (friends forever)" with all your friends at the party at your house after you graduate from high school in 2007 & thinking "shoes" by liam kyle sullivan is really funny

i still remember the first youtube video i ever saw. my sister watched a black & white webcam video of a girl lip syncing with a song sped up so it was like chipmunk? i think. i think the song was by panic at the disco. something like that

December 27th, 2021

my perfume sample arrived. ostensibly it will make me smell kind of like plastic, among some other things, cause it's inspired by plastic dolls?

December 28th, 2021

the perfume is very peculiar... it makes me think of death. it arrives at a point where it smells kind of like sunscreen

powerfully insufferable song stuck in my head for multiple days now

standing at the edge of an immense precipice that is represented by making a spreadsheet involving perfume notes

December 30th, 2021

one of my favorite sights in life is when something is far enough away to be faded from light absorption

alcohol + caffeine seems like a funny condition. in concept... not the reality where someone can get hurt. but you feel normal & you want to walk up some stairs, & it just won't work

December 31st, 2021

i came within a hair's bread of having [List1000000] on rym... it's [List1000034]