< - ii

established january 4th, 2022

January 2nd, 2022

living off of this like rationed biscuits on a lifeboat until the 90 hours of unreleased john maus material is freed from slugbug's google drive

January 3rd, 2022

the word "good" plays a part in dichotomies with both "bad" & "evil." does this imply that virtuous actions & general desirability are consistently unified, while evil is not necessarily bad & badness is not necessarily evil? wut does it all mean?

January 4th, 2022

i have given my succulent two shot glasses of water. i hope that that is an appropriate monthly amount... it is sedum adolphii. the wet dirt smells very good

January 6th, 2022

last night i slept sideways on my bed cause it was cluttered with stuff. i briefly dreamed it was clear of stuff & i could stretch out. then i briefly woke up & was like awww

jake tobins sped up voice on food updates sounds like ariel pinks normal voice

my dad got me a sweater for christmas but when i sweat in it it starts to smell like... fish, or like a lake

January 7th, 2022

hope it's ok if the very tips of all the succulent leaves are kind of brown. i would be decently sad if it died...

"This trailing succulent forms miniature golden rosettes, with leaves shaped like footballs. Its tips turn red when exposed to lots of sun."

the backs of all my front teeth don't consistently feel smooth to my tongue anymore . i am convinced that a week or two where i kept accidentally falling asleep before brushing my teeth a second time for the day had some sort of substantial accelerated effect on my tooth enamel decay. really not feeling all that ok about it

wigging me out that all the letters are named after themselves

January 8th, 2022

from merely for the art of it to obsessed with the art of it?

January 9th, 2022

i like everlong by foo fighters

January 10th, 2022

tonight i finish nearly spending literally a month trying to listen through wee tam & the big huge one time & getting distracted every time

i try to move the succulent between my room & the living room to maximize sunlight. my windowsill is occupied by tea boxes but i rearranged them to four stacks of five, & a fifth "stack" of one, so that the succulent has an unprecarious one to be placed on

my eyes are all watery. maybe im rubbing trace amounts of perfume in them when i rub them

aaahhh they stung so bad i cried out as i was going to get the rag to wipe them with

my dad is considering attempting to donate a kidney to a close friend of his 0_0

i might have it in me to display a hesitancy to go out for a nice walk, just because my phone bill hasn't been paid... i might lash out & insist that the bricks i may enclose myself with are provided with an abstracted sense of malice, but it is in my own absurdity that i stack them up & glue them together

periods of merely adding decimal places to oneself

January 11th, 2022

i got briefly woken up in the middle of the night by a chorus of screaming cats outside my window

January 12th, 2022

i think i might get an extra $1,270 grant this semester even though i'm only taking 7 hours, since i signed up for enough to qualify as full-time but one of them got cancelled because of low enrollment... it'd be a very baffling output of all the bureaucracy leading up to such a disbursement but i would roll with it

January 13th, 2022

pom pom lipstick really is perfect

i looove when a tea is sour

January 14th, 2022

i should make boiling the water for my tea a mechanism for dispersing a kind of meditation throughout the day, i.e. i flick the switch & stay in the kitchen instead of coming back to my laptop, & try to close my eyes & not think until i hear the click

i order perfume samples

i think i get a sense of... instinctual revulsion from the Tao Te Ching, even though it doesn't deserve it... i think it is a book i can like! but where the feeling comes from is maybe a vague recognition of similarity between it & like... corny new age aphorisms that naturally have a similarity, because they'd be like, weird refractions of eastern philosophy, you know

January 15th, 2022

im silly

la stanza delle bambole feels kind of important to me

it is just a moment in time. maybe the next ones will become moments in time. smells are like that. i am looking forward to the bon bon trio. although one can wonder if it will suffer for not being in conjunction with things like bambole was. well, unless it becomes... in conjunction with things. i'm not a psychic!

bambole is my friend's encouragement to purchase it, this cluster of january 7th doll pictures, & this album while waiting for my pal's bus. each of these three things is also more things youtube.com/watch?v=x4H7FtKsPzw

January 16th, 2022

i have new music to explore & i'm just listening to 69 love songs again like a psychopath

i like that i am myself & that i have my personhood that i get to control such that even if i couldn't affect or sway anyone else in any particular direction i can still charge voraciously myself at any given direction that i suspect could prove beneficial for making myself as good as i can

can't get over the phrase "bon bon"

taking rule of thirds pictures is endlessly satisfying to me

all the dead skin scratching & hair-plucking & teeth-clacking & bangs-brushing. there's a lot of tensions unfolding around my facial area

love disrupts borders, routines, & antiseptic qualities, & gets dirt everywhere, i think

i'm always standing on one leg at my laptop, with the other foot planted on that leg like i'm a flamingo. the weight is always on my right foot, & it gets pretty sore at times

January 17th, 2022

every dog has its thorn

in the future, every dog will get fifteen minutes of its day

people talk to me in similar ways a lot which suggests i either gravitate towards people who talk in those ways or i have elements that persistently create the inclination to talk to me in those ways. i like it

January 18th, 2022

the parts of this song where his syllables are synced with like... horn hits, & it's the auditory equivalent of staring straight into a flashlight

January 20th, 2022

about to dual steep teas...

January 21st, 2022

keeping one's corneas beautiful

i don't know what greasy hair looks like. i frequently get worried that my hair is at a point of looking like greasy hair, but i look at it, & it just looks like hair, so i don't know...

January 23rd, 2022

need more songs that use horns in a similar way to... kate bush's sat in your lap & talking heads' life during wartime

deviled eggs (pronounced like "reviled eggs")

January 24th, 2022

looking forward to first radio class meeting of the semester today...

the first of the bon bon trio... it smells quite a lot like fruity pebbles!

the second is the best - a bubblegum type smell that feels to me like it represents clean bedsheets

the third... hits me more like a scented candle than perfume. maybe it is inane to compare it to an entire other class of variously scented thing. but that it hits me more like a candle is, i think, not in its favor. but it is more vanilla-y, & chalky like candles will feel

January 25th, 2022

aaahhh, school thing now is that, during break, i am kind of endlessly burning myself out with a constant internal pressure to do curatorial processes, or read things, or listen to things, & now when the semester starts, all my academic tasks are only additions to the general cluster. there is little difference of feeling between being in or out of classes, only i have to really steel myself to prioritize the ones with school consequences

i am reading an intensely boring document

January 26th, 2022

imagine a medical worker at a city council hearing about mask mandates going "now, don't even get me wrong, i hate these masks, they stink, like fish & rotten meat, but i wear them regardless because i know it's what is needed to keep people safe"

the kettle has two clicks when it's done. the first is a quiet preliminary click. the second, immediately after, is the actual click of the switch flipping. the preliminary click always piques my attention, so that my eyes always snap open precisely with the second click

January 27th, 2022

youtu.be/jTXhSjYvuUc have this stuck in head specifically cause in photocomm im sitting next to guy who had other radio show, & he played it once. chart beep too

incredibly dissociated in class

i only have nineteen boxes of tea now... i'm so deprived!

January 28th, 2022

the philosophical underpinnings of the classic internet gif that's paper mario copulating with princess peach & it keeps saying 1up. WHat statement is it making? the mario franchise is, as an artifact of its surrounding context as a fictional work, devoid of sexuality, which is a point of difference between its reality & the reality it originates from. by creating the gif, which transgresses that boundary & forces the franchise into a confrontation with that difference, is the creator making the implicit statement that it is a point of tension between the franchise & reality, a kind of sterilization, rather than one of many points of difference between mario world & real world, which one could find as mundane as the simple reality that goombas are not real? is there something cathartic in the gif? honesty? could the creator perceive sex as an intrusive aspect of their reality, which they see no escape from, such that, with a kind of sneering attitude, they were inclined to subject the franchise to that intrusion as well? was there an element of mischievous empowerment, in identifying that the creators of the franchise had set up a boundary which the creator found so glaring, & identifying that there was nothing stopping them from transgressing that boundary? THe humor is derived from the violent establishment of the tension by presenting the viewer with an explicit realization of that tension whic h they may have not previously considered due to having engaged with the franchise in a way that uncritically accepted its various terms. a more worrying angle: that the creator accepts the Mario franchise as an expression of a sort of purity, & also regards portrayals of sex as a sort of overtaking impurity, & found a kind of satisfaction in that particular interplay of qualities. from the creator's point of view i would see a kind of cynical & malignant intent here. maybe they would fail to distinguish this perception of purity from all the other insulting artifice present in so much of the media that surrounds them in modern life ? so the media's artifice could come together to turn people against any & all positive concepts that do manage to incidentally arise within it, this contributes to the idea of lost innocence & innocence as a lie. furthermore,

the fact that you cant snap the envelopes in ableton to the lines, or like type in a value

i wore my googly glasses to class today

January 31st, 2022

i used some hand sanitizer & it was filled with all these dried chunks of it like thick jelly, it was awful

February 1st, 2022

i just pressed the magnifying glass button in the instagram app for the first time ever, instantly there were just breasts everywhere, trypophobia, a stim toy that looked like genitalia, people doing creepy stuff to their eyeballs. like a literal vision of hell

February 2nd, 2022

i think it'd be really good to have a system of rym tags like "duality 1" "duality 2" "duality 3" "duality 4" each on only two things, "trinity 1" "trinity 2" "trinity 3" each on three things, etc, "quaternity 1" "quaternity 2" ...i would keep track of them in a spreadsheet

guy who walks around with a big jar of dill pickles tucked under his arm & splashes people with pickle juice whenever he shoves his hand in to grab one

February 6th, 2022

i think people should have to move their mouse in a circle to crank a little lever to unfold a dropdown menu. i think you should have to click & hold on it to turn it but that it should stop registering every ninety degrees so that you have to click it again

February 7th, 2022

checking own youtube playlists for videos that got deleted/privated & replacing them is braver than u.s. marines

my focusing-in-class thing is i listen for proper nouns in the lecture & write down a list of only those. it's like a game of spotting them, & i like to see what kind of fragmented road map of the lecture it results in

my city has maybe one of the worst tourism videos ever but i can't share it with anyone unless i want them to know where i live

February 9th, 2022

browsing Kirkland's for the smell

taking pretty picture & immediately leaving the store now that i've established the slightest qualitative profit by going there

February 10th, 2022

swearing updates: didn't swear all day yesterday but said "damn" like, after eleven pm, messing up that day. pretty sure i swore at about two am today, might've been "bitch," i forget. followed this up with perhaps two to five swears in the following couple hours, since i already viewed the day as voided... that is an unproductive way to view it respective to the exercise though. mistakenly read "bitch" out loud moments ago regardless

February 11th, 2022

i think i buy rain boots today

i found them but they're all kinda nutty color... on one hand i could leave this place right now & go walking down the middle of a creek. on the other hand... yellow boots

the world has forgotten yellow boots

comfy enough. before i leave the mall i will get sushi i think

these boots are fairly uncomfortable to be honest. i think i'd lose my mind if i had to spend a full day in them. it's like every step contorts my foot

i accidentally told the waitress i wasn't ready to order when i really was & she's just disappeared for an unreasonably long time now

she materialized... im eating mozzarella sticks with chopsticks. girl at table nearby with awesome teddy bear

i used to have neighbors with kids i'd talk with in the backyard sometimes. i don't really have many opportunities to interact with children, & talking to them was really... cleansing. this was around early 2020. remembering something i typed once, at a park one day:

"I've been listening to these little kids roleplay overwatch characters & it's really therapeutic because on its face it might suggest an alienating awareness of the passage of time but really it is communicating a timeless quality where the overwatch stuff is just serving as interchangeable labels on an immortal & strongly identifiable way that kids play with each other!"

a kind of unmistakable but maybe not totally describable way

it could be nice to be a babysitter, i imagine. i liked feeling like i was talking to them with no condescension & even if they were talking about the most inane thing i'd just naturally engage with it on its terms. it was very un-self-conscious in a way that's hard to be when you're talking to someone older & might be anticipating all the learned cynicisms that your words might be filtered through. i really don't like when i see... parents treating their kids like their property? even if they're not being so mean. "you're not gonna tell me how to raise my fucking kid," hearing that tends to read as just satanic to me. just sounds like all they care about is someone impeding on the loveless high they get from seeing themselves as having total authority over this one little particular sector of life if nothing else

im getting bigger boots

i think it's too dark now to go walking through water but i kicked at a big snow pile

horror nightmare target bathroom where you can see one of the sinks & mirror through the little stall door gap so anyone at that sink could presumably see you through it

February 12th, 2022

it's unimaginably insane that when you hit ctrl-s in Notepad it codifies all the word wrapping, which should be just a visual thing for convenience, as actual line breaks that are actually in the text

February 13th, 2022

i just stare blankly at like ninety five percent of humor posts on tumblr now, why is everything so unfunny! people should just wait until actual funny ideas are produced instead of incessantly filling dead air with noise

February 16th, 2022

i didnt care about brushing my teeth until i was like sixteen maybe, & only cause i... it was either a tv psa or a wikipedia page, like once i actually learned about the mechanism of plaque formation & thought about it growing constantly i was all in on brushing...

February 18th, 2022

opened door to bathroom & there was a lady right behind & she startled me so much i jumped backward like a whole foot

February 21st, 2022

my laptop bluescreened a while ago, & only later did i realize i lost a bunch of soulseek uploads that i had neglected to write down where i usually do. i actually kind of wigged out over that! brain problems... general problem with things becoming unrecoverable even if it is in a really benign context i suppose

i am about to do public speaking & i am serene & will remain serene

reading intro to capital was a good period of time

February 22nd, 2022

i like my room & i wish i didn't walk back & forth in it blind from overfamiliarity

February 27th, 2022

intensely overstimulated by tasks. everything is tasks. looking at discord message is a task. refilling water bottle is a task. interacting with browser window is a task. reading anything is a task. homework is a task. looking at messages in friends' discord channels is task. all the very friendly worthwhile people but i entirely retract from their wholly available existence because its too much. its all in quantities of messages & the binary of the presence or absence of "unread badge." have to do any task i think of immediately or it'll slip out of slippery short-term memory. or slippery long-term memory where i might forget big prolonged efforts, forget my family or my dog exists. but if there's multiple tasks i can't do them both immediately. have to either forget one forever or accumulate another reminder

my friend cares enough to have practically written a novel in dms about their thoughts on various things, hundreds of messages, & i genuinely valued that but i couldn't handle it, i didn't have the space for it. life provides ample amount of itself for me to live but i can prove insufficient, unwilling to exist

February 28th, 2022

canker sores are demonic

think 2017 relationship may have left me with some bad thought patterns. "i'm going to end up mentioning some hyperspecific thing i had a .001% chance of zeroing in on but i'm gonna blunder into it & it'll be a thing that totally ruins this person's day." "i'm gonna play a song that this person associates with a traumatic memory, i'm cursed to stumble into things like that over & over even though it's impossible to know ahead of time what media or sentences might quality"

this feels good

this keyboard i'm typing the Ween outline on was not designed to be used by a person with long nails

i'm spongebob "i don't need it..." about having literally any bass in the music i listen to, as i persistently settle for my laptop speakers instead of buying a little pair of decent quality speakers where the bass is at least detectable, so that i can prove to myself that i dont have to upgrade things & pursue fidelity, & that i can enjoy the music as long as there is something there to hear that doesnt rely on crystal clarity . deranged anti-fidelity stance in the name of remembering that all media is embedded in my surroundings & doesnt have to consume me & replace them & that i must always prioritize connection with the world

March 2nd, 2022

i wish the word "categorical" didn't just mean "unambiguous," because it would be a really useful word if it meant what it sounded like. i guess it kind of does

March 3rd, 2022

my neighborhood is going to smell like semen soon

March 4th, 2022

snoballs are pretty good. peculiar texture. but as with all hostess products it gets kind of overwhelming to eat more than one, if even a single full one. & what do you get for it nutritionally... well a pack of three vanilla zingers is 114% added sugars drv

today i pledge to have at least one conscious experience that i dont try to generalize in my head into some marxism oriented conjecture

automatically generated uploads of songs on youtube that are under a minute long get classified in the "shorts"

March 5th, 2022

im eating avocados & thai chili pickle chips (spoon spoonful of avocado out of avocado & put thai chili pickle chip on it before i eat it)

March 6th, 2022

going to try to listen to one new album every day of march & apply this retroactively

March 7th, 2022

how many glitchy 2000s albums can people label as hyperpop predecessors before it starts to dawn on them that maybe hyperpop is people continuing to build on existing approaches to production & not some special new fundamental development in music

March 8th, 2022

people in the 1950s should of been gunned down en masse for calling sex making whoopee

March 9th, 2022

i like wikipedia pages about people who seem to have been barely known to exist

uploading music to youtube is like a fun game to me. finding interesting things with lax copyright situations that no one else on yt has claimed yet, building a collection of them

new conspiracy theory: ssns are so vulnerable as identity verification because it cultivates a sense of competitive suspicion & vulnerability that is in line with functioning under capitalism to be told "this is your number, if ANYONE finds out this number in relation to your identity then you could lose everything"

semantle is kind of baller... i'm not sure that the ___le format can get more stimulating for me than this. it's very frustrating at the same time, though

March 14th, 2022

more hyped about lamplight twenty than any prior episode maybe. it's such a good playlist i think

foetus is good

March 15th, 2022

im not crazy about all the material on 69 love songs but i find it comforting how familiar & expansive it is. its like a big three story building i can go to & amble around in

cyclical time vs irreversible time

March 16th, 2022

i like tea. i should order a couple more perfume samples. current tea is honey vanilla chamomile + "vitamin c." & call me crazy but i feel like the orange & vanilla are combining to create a very slight orange creamsicle feeling

practically had a mental breakdown earlier over uh... episode twenty was completely done, but then i noticed audacity had done this really dumb thing where uh, uh... ok so there's one "track" in audacity dedicated to the clips of me talking, & two dedicated to the music in case i want the beginnings & ends of songs to overlap a bit. but um. sometimes it does this thing where... i'm still not quite sure how it happens. but i drag in a song, & that song overwrites the first song in the "track," starting exactly when that song would have. & every song after that point in that track just disappears. & this can happen without me noticing for a long time! so that can be like half the assembled playlist sent to oblivion! while i just keep working, ignorant that all i'm doing is pointless

& i am really invested in this episode & focused a lot on it & put a bunch of effort into getting some of the timings & transitions to feel just right! so once i noticed a whole "track" was missing i had to reconstruct a bunch of stuff, & i was so riled up about it i was kinda shaky. i've been up a long time & i'm a bit hungry too. so i got all the timings & stuff... superficially the same, but i couldn't make it all feel right again in my head. i knew it was microscopically different & i couldn't help but to obsess over the lost first iteration of the project file, which felt like the ideal. so i felt really off & bad

uh well then i wholly resolved everything when i realized i could do a ton of ctrl-z'ing, back to just before i had added that last song & had it do the overwrite bug. & then i could do some careful stuff to reconstruct what i had done past the point of adding that song but before noticing all the missing content. i.e. preserving the ambient outro, basically. so it's ok

it's sunny, i need to get some sun. maybe i'll go home and change into a skirt. i can't find my shorts anywhere. the night of sleep i get tonight will be a vital one

the weather is very nice. i could go on a long walk, but because i stayed up through the whole day & night... i think i would be too tired to really enjoy it. dillweed alex! i will walk home & sit in the backyard for thirty minutes, though. then i think i will just nap until six

smoke signals by the magnetic fields is almost so perfectly beautiful that it feels like something i should only hear in a dream & wake up wishing i could recreate it

most of the time the college radio station is the syndicated classical station. for the episode twenty-two intro i'm gonna record one of the bumps with my phone, the gummy-voiced old man talking, & midway through i'm gonna start looping like a tenth of a second of his voice, & have it start getting faster & more high pitched, then it'll break into barbarism begins at home by the smiths

ok baby bundts 0/10 hostess treat...wretched. in the trash after less than half a bundt. they literally smell bad, acrid, like vinegar

is prostitution secretly illegal because it is a means of generating income that relies on something that is actually wholly one's own to offer rather than being provided by a capitalist? this feels like an ice cold take

March 17th, 2022

i think i'd go insane if i worked in this gas station & had to spend all day watching people sit at the slot machines that are in a gas station

still can't believe i bought a reeking hostess treat, like a packaged confection that i viscerally couldn't tolerate the stench of

March 18th, 2022

i don't know what to make of like... someone would be comfortable calling their patriarchally-aligned conservative parents sort of disgusting & backwards in their views, but they might not be inclined to like... call some patriarchally organized uncontacted people disgusting & backwards, at the risk of sounding ethnocentric? or would they? i sure wouldn't

March 20th, 2022

i keep sleeping from sunrise to sunset while the weather has been really nice. it is depressing, & i am finding it difficult to shift the sleep pattern to diurnal. i have vowed to get at least thirty minutes of direct sunlight any day i can. but today i woke up while it was still light, but right as the direct sunlight receded. i have to get thirty minutes before i fall asleep, when the sun is back up in like thirteen hours

lamplight twenty aka the one where i flashily pronounce "kafe na dnu okeana," "wirtschaftswunder," "neue deutsche velle," & "schlecht aber einer von uns jesaja." i got okeana wrong though

walking into gas station & conscious rap guy on the radio is like we want to see the country heal its nasty divide but the man in the oval office he wont see eye to eye...

March 21st, 2022

troy hess of the song "christmas on the moon" featured for march 4th 2003 on the 365 days project left a comment on my video

March 22nd, 2022

i searched for teledu's "witchkitchen" on soulseek again & got a copy where some of the songs that in my copy are erroneous repetitions of the same song with different track titles, are instead the actual full songs. not all of them though. still don't have the full album. this is my nuttiest search for an album ever. literally assembling it fragmentarily from intermittently available soulseek uploads that inexplicably have different distributions of erroneously repeated tracks. need to start searching teledu on soulseek like every day

currently happening on college radio station is... low bitrate mp3 of this love by maroon 5. hey ya by outkast. then host comes on with an extremely flat & robotic voice, no pauses at all, & announces the next song, skater boy by avril lavigne, pronouncing avril lavigne like... "avril" like "april" & "lavigne" like, "le vine," like grape vine. he flatly recounts the full narrative of the song. low bitrate mp3 of skater boy

March 23rd, 2022

my problem when i read is that i read a paragraph & fully grasp what it means in a way i don't have to substantially articulate in my head. then i reread the paragraph, pretending that i don't know any of the things i just learned from it. & on this second reading i am laboriously sounding it out in my head & visualizing. because it feels like grasping the meaning should be something i have to try to do. like if i don't feel like i'm trying, then i'll finish the book & realize that i just glided my eyes over all the pages processing nothing

when i google the word "consanguineal" i get an option to try to track a package with the tracking "number" "consanguineal" on usps

March 24th, 2022

i've realized the "better" copy i found of "witchkitchen" i got seems like the standard floating around, & that i think i somehow wound up with a worse copy than it

bigelow salted caramel tea is a rough beverage

youtu.be/jNU5vNGmImA the musician Charles just commented on this upload... did not expect that

material woman = aroma mail went
la stanza delle bambole = tall noble dames ablaze!

March 25th, 2022

youtu.be/gF9KjrrzU-E kind of crazy how much better this is than every other song on this album

March 26th, 2022

someone reblogged a picture of me & tagged it "#me" which i think is funny

finally articulating to myself in my head at this present moment that i don't like how i have kind of ninety percent socially disappeared & now manifest mostly as book excerpts in a discord channel

March 28th, 2022

esports tournament sponsored by gerber & the gerber baby is everywhere

guy who does graffiti on stuff & all he ever writes is "walmart"

get ublock & tear every single button you never click off of every website it's cathartic

March 29th, 2022

taking screen out of bedroom window is a w... mitigate sense of disconnection from outside

April 1st, 2022

when there's a slant in my bangs i can see it in my webcam preview but not in my mirror. whwn i got home today i spent about half an hour lying in bed feeling my pulse in my head & stomach thinking nothing but unbearably bad thoughts trying to hide in happy imaginary affection but it wasn't working at all. i imagined leaving the apartment & running to a nearby field & cathartically thrashing around & yelling & it involuntarily translated to about five violent thrashes in my bed before i knew what i was doing. i went on a long walk that started with me openly loudly crying behind some neighbor's backyard but had me feeling a lot better by the end. i walked to the little library & took out the sole remaining right-wing (or, to state the more particular offense, partisan) propaganda book & cathartically tore it to shreds