aka: "a better angle on my nature" :)

december 31st, 2021

the structure of romantic affiliation, established as an excuse to enact the unstructured human animal playfulness that
should, to the extent that anyone is comfortable, just flow freely across & through social boundaries? rolls eyes...

structure, which has a compartmentalizing effect, being imposed on the un-
compartmentalized ideal of universal silly human friendship... rolls eyes!

january 1st, 2022

echolalia as a mark of trust

january 6th, 2022

eat a bunch of noodles & become intensely tired... dusk dim bedroom
tinted blue quiet voices mingling with calming air vent noise cozy blissful

january 10th, 2022

sometimes i want to come here & type something like, "being alive is good." but i start to worry that i would
just be saying it from a place of fortune or privilege, & that it might feel a bit alienating for someone who
just can't help but to be having a deeply bad time at the time they read it. but just this once, i am going
to be presumptuous & say this scandalous thing, if you all can forgive me... being alive is good

january 13th, 2022

i know the correct incommunicable "flavor(s)" for me, & i am the only one who has to

i wanna laugh giddily & flee up a parking garage

january 15th, 2022

my mirror neurons are jiggling & dancing

underrated about snow: even if you are not looking out the
window at it you can feel the whiteness of the light coming in

the bond that is exposing one's surname through a paypal donation

its awesome to construct serendipity by doing random things

january 16th, 2022

need to make a greater effort to keep "bonkers" in rotation in my vocabulary

january 20th, 2022

i want to get lost in an unfamiliar neighborhood & lose my sense of direction, lose track of my
relation to landmarks, so that i can again face subjectively forward instead of objectively north

january 21st, 2022

i want to believe that if all people are maximally honest, then, to some degree, the whole of life, taken as one entity made
up of the wills of all people, shifts cleanly into the particular shape that it yearns for. it is a muscle aiming to contract
into a position it already knows, & each grain of dishonesty from each person is another pin holding it in place

january 23rd, 2022

i want to have everyone's memories in my brain instead of having to rely on stories of them, thats love maybe

learning everything from one thing, but without fanatically ascribing wisdom to it... since it is only one
outcropping of life's general act of portraying itself & yourself to you in only the most obvious terms

january 25th, 2022

i want to be giggly

january 26th, 2022

i want to do a lot of things. i want to be a million people. i want to occupy a sunny memory or a sunny vision collage of past
sunniness & inarticulable desirable energies fragile & lingering from youth, i want to be a runny liquid occupying all the
cracks & crevices of what there is to feel & engage with in the world, do things to construct real existence constantly,
it has to be real unmoored mapless direct living unmediated by the comfort of personal categories & identities & creeds

the most productive derivation from all discrete categories of thought & books & genres
& lessons is no categories or figureheads or subcultures or genres but the creativity &
impulsivity underneath & to act & construct with no guide & free of polluting influences

i think the best book or milieu or philosophy or genre will only try to destroy itself in the mind of the reader, be the last
category so that it can be the last, so that there can be no more. to make them see the emptiness that was there before it
& its kind arrived. i want to feel only what's actually there & not what's been placed there, i want lots of memories

january 31st, 2022

good morning everyone, let's try to make it impossible for another person to believe that solipsism is real today

february 4th, 2022

sour berry teas.....GOOD GOD!!!!!!!!!!

february 5th, 2022

i am grateful for the experience of being able to have sprawling & analytical & un-ego-clouded conversations
about love & relationships even if on the more direct experiential level they can be stressful & heartache

laughing hysterically from word association ping pong exercise

february 7th, 2022

february 11th, 2022

i finally bought rubber boots. tomorrow i am going to walk across
a big puddle to a previously unaccessible footpath. so so baller...

february 12th, 2022

i like you

february 17th, 2022

the best thing synthesizers can do is sparkle & twinkle

february 19th, 2022

run around run around a parking garage run down empty street at two am reframe commercial district as thing to
run around creating associations between every building & minute positive memories walk around woods walk
down one of those endless lanes cut through trees for telephone poles that you'll see from the highway usually

february 21st, 2022

my secret radio technique: having the microphone situated above my head because
it is easier to sound friendly if i am speaking in a kind of supplicating posture

a person you get along with so well that they are akin to a bowl of water at precisely your skin temperature. when you
place your hand in the water, you don't notice any difference. this leads you to fear that you are becoming tired of
them, that your compatibility is waning. but this is only a counterintuitive appearance brought about precisely
by the substantial degree of the compatibility itself, & it is the compatibility, clearly still there & still valued
but acknowledged on a less conscious level, which leads you to fear its supposed waning in the first place

february 25th, 2022

been trying toast lately. didnt realize this stuff is lit fr!

february 28th, 2022

for maybe my entire life i have had a habit of swishing saliva or moving
air around in my mouth to the rhythms of songs unconsciously

march 1st, 2022

no more sarcasm ever

march 3rd, 2022

need to extend the most vulnerable & affection-oriented headspaces to all branches of life. not in a literal & emotionally
overbearing way, but a simple tendency towards avenues which possess at least a glimmer of emotional continuity (or at
least a strict absence of outright emotional incongruity) with the most real, unassuming, unmediated, & unaffected kindness

march 13th, 2022

writing down the order of the tea boxes on my windowsill before i haphazardly pile them all on my bed so that
i can open my window without disrupting the continuity of the autistic tea box random shuffling process

hearing birds in my room immediate therapeutic effect

march 15th, 2022

i will be nice. i will be nice. i'm not going to unconsciously assume selfish or ignorant intents in people who reach out to
me. i'm not going to prioritize attempted understanding before actual living. i won't apply all benevolent intent towards
just determining precisely who i need to turn my nose up at. only real niceness, no internalized stepford smiles

how to declare war on falseness without declaring war on the subset of fellow human beings who carry out falseness

have to just focus on myself

forgetting an ideal i've adhered to in the past: focus only on purifying oneself so as to serve as
a model - leave what i hope to serve as an antithesis of unspoken, don't sermonize against it,
let my presence speak for itself. only positive modeling instead of negative condemnation

but don't overly concern myself with serving as a model either. just live & try to improve myself while
acknowledging being a model as an optimistic possibility that may be made more likely by the efforts
toward improvement - but keep it largely out of mind so as to let the efforts continue to be for their own sake

march 22nd, 2022

incapacitated with hysterical laughter from playing the star wars episode one theme & spamming
discord bot commands that rewind it two seconds & holding my mic by my dog slurping milk

march 25th, 2022

i accidentally went long enough without burning my candles
that they're taking me back to when i was burning my candles

march 29th, 2022

i find myself at an unanticipated moment where i am as empty as a child, viewing a stretch of grass, one like any other, the way
i did when i was young. the moment is pure practice without deliberation or articulation, wordless & immediate, solitary, pure

april 4th, 2022

if my creativity wanes, then i cannot employ it towards being nice to people, & things will move towards stagnation. if
i can employ a constant creativity towards being nice to people, then things will generally become happier & better.
there is no surefire way of maintaining real creativity, because routine & ritual are antithetical to the spontaneity
of creativity. there is a constant war to wage against entropy, & no tactics to be found, only discrete sums of
ingenuity, each unique, to be summoned in acts of constant improvisation. & a bottomless hole to toss them into

april 9th, 2022

the search for one person who i think really understands the quality of benignity

april 10th, 2022

good news i dozed off by my teas without rolling over & disturbing them

i would like to systematically walk into & thoroughly explore every house in my neighborhood without regard for
property or privacy, just to discover all the various perspectives & styles & little worlds that are hidden away

april 11th, 2022

good night everyone, as usual please do everything in your power to
make the falsity of solipsism very apparent to those around you

i want someone who will collaborate on the ambitious pursuit of holistic sweetness not just compartmentalize their sweetness
to me, no actually i want someone with whom to perform the simple act of making the pursuit cease to even be ambitious

april 19th, 2022

i have an easy time cracking myself up by making cat noises because
it's funny to me how disturbingly easy it is to sound exactly like one

april 22nd, 2022

lying on the floor under a blanket, letting sweet pea bite at me. she got very excited so i opened
the door & she ran laps. no people here & no music & only the simplicity of the interaction. its
like if youre in a room & all you can do is watch the dvd logo bounce, more wholesome though

i felt really happy earlier today. everything felt like a dream. the wind was blowing waves in some grass &
i looked through the window of a bus stop at reflections of buildings behind me ethereally overlaid over the
landscape behind the window. i've only had one coffee in the past ten days. soon i'll be able to visualize my
neurochemistry as a placid pond again & rid myself of any inclination to buzz or hiss. i just walked home
two miles with a case of sparkling water in my backpack then collapsed on the futon in the living room
for twenty minutes with my eyes closed letting autechre's elyc6 0nset scrub my brain clean like steel wool

april 25th, 2022

the dusk light is just as calm as it was when i was a child, it's just rhythms in
my head that make it frantic. it's my own feet that produce the constant motion

april 27th, 2022

someone who used to think they were a broken person because they felt so empty, until
they came to believe that their emptiness was the stoic & real emptiness of nature &
life, visible when not obfuscated by the world's urgings to fill it, & they were
a fool to follow those urgings & strive so intently to negate the gift they had

may 2nd, 2022

tearing up at a stuffed animal restoration video

may 3rd, 2022

i love komm susser tod so so much beautiful paradoxically joyous "universal entropy
as analogy to human pain" undercurrent of anxiety quaintly basic lyrics music

may 8th, 2022

my advice is don't attach to pursuits that turn good things into bad things, i.e. if your
window is open & the wind is blowing peacefully through your room don't decide you must
have something propped up which keeps getting blown over & making you dislike the wind

may 9th, 2022

i think materialism isn't disenchanting because the material plane is so insanely broad & complex as to have
produced all the phenomena that were sufficiently chaotic & secretive to be regarded as supernatural in
the first place... the world is so rich that living in it can be indistinguishable from spirituality

may 13th, 2022

learning a lesson at a place & remembering the lesson whenever you pass the place

may 16th, 2022

finding & appreciating a very lonely-feeling location like a street light somewhere. picking a radio tower visible from
one's house & trekking to it. setting out from a randomly chosen location & flipping a coin to decide which way to turn
at each intersection. scattering a deck of tarot cards by leaving one each at seventy-eight discrete locations planned
in advance. taking pictures unless it shifts focus to the future, dissociating from the present moment

if i'm active in a discord server that has a channel about video
games then inexorably i periodically go there & say "i win games"

may 17th, 2022

i like fun

may 18th, 2022

things have to be allowed to be more subjective & dreamy than is permitted by
exposure to the stark portrayal by tv shows harassing me when i leave my room

may 23rd, 2022

my soul is just full of these pics of toys being exemplified as objects

may 24th, 2022

"i do not accept evil. man is perfect. the soul does not fall. progress exists. ... up till now,
misfortune has been described in order to inspire terror & pity. i will describe happiness in
order to inspire their contraries. ... as long as my friends do not die, i will not speak of death"

Comte de Lautreamont, Poesies

may 25th, 2022

privately immerse oneself so thoroughly in a fantasy of being cathartically loved that it brings into focus the
realistically productive perspective of how imperative it really is to excommunicate from one's concern all
things sufficiently petty & incongruent with that feeling. derive real betterment as if it had been real

i want to be in a room with a person or multiple people & to play a part
in filling that room with warmth & life through my words & actions

dusty captivating types of music that album covers will cause me to improvise in my
head prior to actually playing the albums & having to settle for what's really in them

may 26th, 2022

a guy is doing something to our plumbing which produces a constant sort of ripping sound under the floor that is
heavenly to me in the same way as my upstairs neighbors vacuuming. i am lying on the floor to be close to it

may 27th, 2022

staring at the possibly permanent calloused patches of my sedum adolphi & asserting to myself that they are part of its
normal functioning & do not impart anything positive or negative about it even if they are a product of my agency

may 30th, 2022

light absorption making distant objects look faint & white is more beautiful to me than almost anything

june 6th, 2022

started laughing hysterically lying in bed last night cause i imagined someone having a stress dream that
was just an endless slideshow of still images of turtles with bloodcurdling screaming over it constantly

june 7th, 2022

check out the very sweet late seventies hungarian cartoon a
kockasfulu nyul
(the rabbit with checkered ears) on archive.org

june 15th, 2022

a vast array of mundane & commonplace cynicisms, each juxtaposed against
a notion that a lack of imagination to envision any better way to be is the
only thing preventing any given one of its practitioners from starting to cry
like a baby in grief over the way they've been permitting themselves to operate

june 16th, 2022

"tends to share & reinforce excitement if there is something like chickens
or a goat, or just a squirrel" is a critical romantic prerequisite i think

i'm silent & blank which is why i want someone who
would find something endearing in witnessing
me simply performing a mundane action

june 17th, 2022

here is a music playlist i have just made that is themed around sweetness

june 18th, 2022

keeping a playlist of all the songs you find, drawing from it when sharing music with people, & having a condition on which
you delete a song from it, which is that the person expresses that they particularly love the song. this encourages all the music
that passes through you being made to actually find someone it's particularly meant to find, instead of languishing with people
it's not so much meant for, & pushes to maximize the productivity of that sifting & shifting of people's awareness of things

saw the most most beautiful moment i think i've ever seen in the billowing of clouds an incredibly exquisite blending of blue &
pink & grey, i fled inside for my camera accidentally slamming the door loudly but couldn't find a camera before it had passed

i'm going to die without the love of someone who can & must love animals without imposing human-centric abstractions
like hamfisted anthropomorphism or lenses of modernized aesthetic stylization over the single what's-actually-there

june 20th, 2022

in the cool night by a fence by a chicken coop by a field surrounded by mostly darkness with pinpoints of light like a distant
orange streetlight, a nearby light pole, the bright moon that i can't quite focus on, the stars more pronounced under less light
pollution than usual, with a dog barking somewhere to the south, lonely-feeling, off in the distance & echoing from
far in the opposite direction. i am accompanied by a cat. walking out slowly to the fence then turning my head
sluggishly from sight to sight as if in a daze, alone, wanting the moment shared, nocturnal remoteness

when i do something nice for myself like take the time to swing on the hammock hearing birdsong
i feel oddly like i am doing something "just" even though it's only for myself, i mean this in a
sense like i see myself largely from the outside & regard myself as something to take care of

june 24th, 2022

imagine your nervous system going haywire so that you can barely perceive through
total sensory overload that someonme is standing over you going "moooo!" over & over

it just clicked for me that systematically voicing gratitude for everything one eats as in the style of a table prayer is actually
a pretty romantic thing & the idea just got knocked out of my head at an early age since all my exposure to it was really stiff,
awkward, externally prescribed ritual oriented around a being i'd quickly decided didn't exist... every humanistic quality that
i could've taken away from childhood exposure to religion just got overrode by my dissatisfaction with the phoniness of the
supernatural justifications, in tandem with having never bothered to think about it harder due to privilege i guess

june 27th, 2022

trudging in unbearably uncomfortable boots across huge sun-parched hay field
thinking "i have to get home & write about this i have to get home & write about this"

i just got most of the chickens to chase me at full speed simultaneously, it made me laugh hysterically

june 30th, 2022

i love orange streetlights a lot & i really love the way that
they are streaming through the blinds of this little apartment

july 1st, 2022

the song talkin' like you by connie converse wins my heart when she says "sort of a squirrel-thing"... it's
like, "woodland ambiguity," "taxonomic obscurity," playfully confrontational bafflingness, biology,
the "normal cat pictures" twitter account (the best account on the whole website)

july 2nd, 2022

a guy across the aisle in the bus got my attention solely to point this house out to me, having
otherwise not spoken to me or acknowledged my presence whatsoever... it's like he knows me

july 4th, 2022

i really like the over-the-top packaging of fireworks, how it exists
in the same unchanging world as illustrations on fairground rides, etc

july 8th, 2022

one of the things i fantasized today was someone asking why i was walking to the spare
bathroom in a house instead of the main one, & i said, "i like that there is a duality," &
he said, "you like that there is a duality!" now with an exclamation point but a soft one

im ready to topple a mountain range for some good lemon meringue pie...

my pal's house is like a hundred years old. i really adore old houses like this. you can
feel it in practically every aspect. flat level ceilings & old defunct wall outlets that
have been painted over. hardwood floors & baby blue paint & an unmistakable smell

july 10th, 2022

everyone's life has existential poetics, that goes for me too whether or not i "like" my
particular poetics on the particular level where my coveting of alternatives can play out.
it doesn't do me any good to pass my own personal judgment on my circumstances

if i am going to toss expressions of my feelings out on the internet, i'm conflicted about having
them slip into being so dismally self-centered. maybe there's a place for it as a real type of
emotional expression, but... i think everyone should come at this... parentally, everyone should
put out humane ideas so as to be diffusely parental towards the general climate of ideas

july 12th, 2022

"stop that, you don't wanna get its attention" (after i imitate a distant train horn several times)

tune into the web stream at kcck.org for our soundtrack to every moment in this room & my imminent sleep. i love it

july 13th, 2022

in my city, downtown, there is a building whose whole second floor is occupied by a ballroom. it has been there my
whole life, & i have always wanted to see it. all i have ever seen of it is the pretty design on the ceiling when i go by

july 14th, 2022

we met a really friendly cat. when i held my hand like that it hopped up on its hind legs to headbutt

july 15th, 2022

remember to be nice & good to the outside world not be a
jerk while warming yourself with your secretly good insides

july 17th, 2022

a certain radical internal restructuring of myself to make
my current situation instead feel blissful exactly as it is

it's like my brain is completely bifurcated into the half that needs to freely recognize how inconsolably agonized it is,
& the other half that needs to drown it out with amazingly pure belief in the curative capacity of rain & flora & rainbows
& birds & the simple silent non-escapist tranquility of a room in a house & forgetting all deadening pop culture & curling
up on soft furniture & speaking softly & forcing my subjectivity to be self-justifyingly valid & real by sheer force of
will & just being all the human yearning for joy forcing itself to be real by way of its eternal confident justification
& the beauty that comes even with flaws if one can just let go of everything less than good & it just asserts
assertively for the good of everything that this all just can't not be real. & just & & &.

& neither of these halves wants to take no for an answer

i don't know how to phrase it it's like i just need to be ok because even just the idea of earthly Heaven is clenching
at me & it's itself (adjective) enough {bright, good, pure...} that i don't even have the option of denying it.
but i need to be ok to accept it. i can't let go of how good life could be even if i really want to

july 18th, 2022

we're basically out of money so today we are resorting to the willfully dumb adventure of taking a bus to a dying
mall with a bag of thirty-six quarters & putting them all in gumball machines to see if we find anything weird

my favorite sensations in life are all very tiny slight unintentional brushes

i sat next to my pal on the bus & the jostling of the
bus caused the fabric of his t-shirt to graze my arm

one time i sat next to the diaphanous curtains over an open sliding door during a storm &
the wind made them billow out such that the peak of their arc just barely contacted my arm

a few nights ago i sat on the couch with my foot just barely contacting
the paw of the dog lazing on the floor & her paw would move slightly

once i lied on my bed propped on my elbows behind me & the
ceiling fan made the ends of my hairs blow slightly against my back

sometimes a dog will prop its leg on me
while it licks itself & it will be a jostling

i don't know if purposefully affectionate touches can mimic these things!

july 19th, 2022

"women be visibly subvocalizing as they read" followed
by me laughing each time i try to resume reading holes

i love wordless fake-screaming like i'm
terrified of something that i'm actually not

dinner at his very kind grandparents' house &
looking through a scrapbook of his baby pictures

i like my voice best when i get a little mucus caught in
my throat & it makes me sound kind of like jake tobin

i like these artists

july 20th, 2022

his dad has a music studio in the basement & it smells exactly like the tiny house
in the middle of nowhere that i lived in for the last third or so of fourth grade

sincerely i attribute what current deficiencies there are in my character partly to not spending
enough time rereading the discord server with only me in it (expressing wholly unfiltered desire
for love) & reminding myself how unworthy of my time anythingsufficiently dissimilar is

i feel like "i'm sorry" was taught to me at a young age as what felt like an impersonal ritual & it took me a pretty
long time to grasp that it really is a verbal tool devised against empathetic pain & that people actually say it
under the duress of a personal drive to obtain relief from that pain by expressing that they are feeling it

his grandparents were very sane & warm people, & being in their
presence sort of compelled us to be a way that i liked being

july 22nd, 2022

cats that purr when they eat food

july 24th, 2022

i believe in mental objects, i believe in objects that one can hold in one's mind & which have no analogy to neither shape
or texture, or any sense. nor do they cater to verbal description. but an object can be there & be unmistakable as the
object that it is. i believe that holding the right object in my mind can make me a good person, & that will naturally
bring me all-around contentment, generally... & that an object has a quality of just sporadically inspiring
words & actions in line with its particular character, of realizing its character

july 25th, 2022

look at these two pictures & think "it's still conceivable that one could approximately have the experience depicted in
these pictures instead of typing emotionless discord messages about how dumb of an idea the 'metaverse' is," once
you've done this you have grasped the overall messaging of this neocities & can tune out if you so please

i miss my firm pillows

july 26th, 2022

improvise midi hoedown music in your head now

july 28th, 2022

if i conceive of everything as a terribly stacked struggle, i am setting myself up to lose it. i can't be kind
myself unless i believe again in a world that has an essential kindness persisting under all of its flaws

july 29th, 2022

chipmunks on 16 speed "heaven is a place on earth" really
really is one of the best things i've ever heard i think

there's a specific common term of endearment that i've inexplicably elevated in my head a lot to
where i wouldn't call someone it unless i really really felt like i really really meant something
with it. i won't tell which it is here, that'd feel like watering down the idea of it maybe...

referring to a man on a motorcycle as a critter on a doohickey

person who successfully spends one hundred percent of
their lifespan having their upper back scratched lightly

i could imagine someone showing me one of their favorite films, & me not liking it that much, & then someone else
showing me one of their favorite films, which happens to be the same film, & i like it that time just because it's not
really the same movie when viewed through the lens of that person's act of enjoying, the way they talk about
it, & just generally who they are & what they associate with... from this maybe i could generalize to some
conjecture like "maybe with someone i love i could love the whole world as seen by them"

july 30th, 2022

july 31st, 2022

guy calmly drinking a glass of milk then doing the cabbage patch to celebrate that

i think i'd be a better person if i talked to children regularly

i love veggie tales so much

august 1st, 2022

i've said it before, but i'll say it again: i think there's a lot to be said for trying to apply cinematographic logic
just to one's vision. just standing in the right place to create a satisfying framing. letting something linger, letting
something pan as you walk, watching the monolithic rotation of a building as you pass. sometimes it can come down
just to the direction you point your eyes as you sit in a chair, one direction picturesque, the other not, or what
you train your eyes on... i guess it'd be more accurate to say that this is not a cinematographic approach
to experience as much as cinematography is a simulation of this activity that's always available

each time the bus is passing some radio towers (or just one?), the light reflecting between all the windows creates a really
convincing illusion of an entire landscape of them in perfect sync... i think it's one of the most amazing things i've ever seen

his mom didn't know what she was doing when she gave me a flower
right before we set off for the bus stop... checking on it constantly

august 2nd, 2022

"i wanna hold everyone, i wanna say everything"

when sweet pea wants on my bed she jumps up against it then gets scared of me because she knows
i am going to pick her up to put her on it but she has a fear of being about to be picked up that
exists in a totally separate realm in her head from wanting to be picked up & put on the bed

august 4th, 2022

fake medicare phone scammer started laughing when i started rapping
superflypapertrailblazer & i started laughing as i was going

yesterday in the car we passed an old two story building that was mostly painted blue
but on the side was exposed brick that traced the outline of a staircase leading up to
a line representing the floor of a balcony on which there was a bricked up doorway

august 5th, 2022

i have to live in a world that's fancifully forgiving, it's like today when i found a gap in a fence & said "they
left a gap in the fence, that's so kind," it doesn"t really matter if it was consciously kind or just a random
perturbation in the process of fence-building-or-maintaining, so for me i have to let it be kind

august 6th, 2022

woke up at just the right time to see absurdly beautiful overlapping shadows of thin blowing tree limbs on the
bathroom door (they had a "collage" feeling). my phone was dead so i didn't have time to record them before
the sun had moved a little & the effect wasn't at its strongest anymore. it was a real privilege to see it though

august 7th, 2022

when i was young i didn't perceive whether an animation of a person leaping high into
the air was crude or not because it called to mind the fun idea of leaping either way

sweet pea is cocooned in this bedsheet

milk is awesome

good news: i just scrapped a text post instead of knowingly indulging the
self-contradiction of typing six paragraphs about desire for simplicity

i almost added to this with a big paragraph-long caveat but that would not be simple

august 8th, 2022

when i went to that free painting class about a week ago, it jumped out at me how physical it is, the way the colors
can just smear & blend according to atom-fine fluid dynamics & create complicated textures in a kind of controlled
chaos that'd be laborious to replicate digitally... hopefully i sound like i've been living in a cave for my
entire life & just found out about the concept of painting, because that's how it felt

typing "raises hand" in the middle of my friend's story & waiting for them
to "call on me," at which point i type "says nothing," followed by "proceed"

august 9th, 2022

to me the sensation of having my upper back grazed is light blue

the length between my elbow & fingertips is also
the exact length beween sweet pea's tail & forehead

literally some random guy who's never put out any of his music sends it to me on soulseek in an attempted act of playful
pseudonymous self-mystification & it has two of some of the best songs i've heard in at least the past year. so awesome

august 10th, 2022

i want to paint more

august 12th, 2022

you can hear a tacky, miserable song on the gas station p.a. & do a dopey little dance to it, a dance that seems to say, "hey,
look, this is all pre-decided & piped in regardless of how we really feel about it, but we can still make something of it in
a way that rejects the standard two options, of either... resorting to snide parody, or trying to take on & embody the
music's prescribed character. here i'm just blowing its character out of the picture & replacing it with mine, blindly
appropriating it as the host for an expression of desire for everyday frivolity that sports a childlike indifference
towards the alien prescription, that doesn't waste time articulating rejection but visibly takes it as its
fundamental premise & works from there," that's what you can say with the dopey little dance

thinking only about a person resting their head, in an indivisibly, unaestheticizably mammalian sense that through these
words won't get swallowed by someone else's head & decorated into something it's not, that these words only skirt
the outline of because it's a wordless action, not a statement. a person getting to rest their head in a sunbeam

coming to see a person resting their head on another person not as an activity pre-defined in its whole (which gives it a sense
of being a prescribed ritual) but as just a very frequently occurring dynamic collusion of the two wholly separate, independent
factors of people liking to rest their heads on what is available & people who like each other liking to be close to each other

concept: you are going to find yourself in a role-reversed version of a scenario you experienced in the past,
& are going to be able to offer the response you wish you could have received. this will not so much be
a morally instructive experience, akin to a person who passes up all opportunities for generosity &
later becomes a beggar, as much as it will be an opportunity for a kind of vicarious catharsis

august 15th, 2022


for my birthday i try to gift myself... "reset point"

not God but a kind of grounded & mild-mannered subjective phenomenon that is visibly
real insofar as you feel it & which you could understand some other person naming "God"

some thoughts are just things i have to think for myself, as tools, to guide me along towards being happy. &, naturally, i'll get
the impulse to share them, because i hope to share their apparent utility in engendering happiness. but they just might not relate
to anyone else's "process." so, i just have to become happy, & then being in that state will probably let me come up with
all kinds of things that are better suited for sharing. to compensate for what i didn't need to be sharing before

august 16th, 2022

concept: a person makes repeated attempts to internally "sanctify" this or that date, location, event,
or what-have-you, such that the given thing marks some kind of transition into general betterment or
well-being. after numerous failures, one of these attempts succeeds, for whatever nebulous reasons

soon, once it has engendered some number of positive outcomes, the original nebulous reason for its success is naturally
phased out & replaced with a kind of stably self-justifying validation wherein the person is sufficiently grateful for
the success that they can't bring themselves to consciously disrespect it through whatever sort of regression

august 17th, 2022

i didn't go on that long nighttime-sunrise walk across town to the coffee shop. but i will in
seven & a half hours, in the rainy early morning. & now it'll be to meet someone over coffee!

a guy sent me a random instagram message & it inexplicably caused my phone to notify me of the past two hundred messages
in that window consecutively, playing the notification sound over & over. when i turned the screen on & saw the messages
piling up in the push notification, i briefly thought, with earnest excitement, that he was using some kind of computer
script to carry out a socially experimental act of sending a gigantic deluge of questions in sequence

an absolute all-timer of a youtube comment for me is the one on this video that says "i adore this quiet contest of wills"

august 18th, 2022

wordless appreciation & respect for the reality of a blanket & taking another
person's need for rest like still yet another surplus proof that they are alive

combing through one hundred pages of my blog picking out the most
unfetteredly positive sentiments to collate them on a dedicated webpage

august 19th, 2022

everyone deserves to find beautiful art, to see the best things in themselves reflected out in the world & know that they're real &
to feel seen in that way. no one should have to settle for works that merely become highly visible as icons of nostalgia, frivolity,
sadness, playfulness, wisdom, of whatever property, such that they're settled for as things "close enough" to the highly personal
feelings that a person actually needs to see outside themselves, which may end up left abandoned in their comparatively difficult
specificity, maybe never even acknowledged, for having never been brought to light by things that really spoke to them

i can't believe i cured my heart solely through the mechanism of it being my birthday so awesome

high five

august 20th, 2022

pledging to skip all the way to & back from the store in a minute here with
the hope if not the expectation of psychologically benefiting an onlooker

unconsciously muttering to myself "cogito ergo cool funny
weird. cogito ergo awesome cool. cogito ergo ultimate"

august 21st, 2022

going to keep an eye out for ways i can proactively embrace rather than
suppress the ritual-based character that i possess as a human being

concept: you are going to write out a list of every single person you feel most strongly about maintaining a personal
connection with. you are going to establish a ritual of messaging all of them each friday, & asking how things are
going. you may also do this at any point in the weekly interim too, of course, but it will at minimum be done each
friday. you may send all of the messages simultaneously, or stagger them across the day. you may end up modifying
the particulars of this system in accordance with your particular circumstances, but not to an extent that fails to
preserve the intent & effect of the system as described. maybe you will untether it from the strict singular
weekday & experiment with various intervals, perhaps varying for each person, synchronous or otherwise

watched a bald middle aged guy abruptly skip across starbucks to the
counter, saying, in a high voice, "a hee hee! a hee hee! starbucks a hee hee!"

i love saying "so freaking baller"

(person with genuine fear in their voice) what- silly alex... in the house tonight? it can't be...

a contender for the funniest thing i've witnessed this year is my friend parodically saying things to the effect of
"guuuuuyyyyysss! you cant keep spamming the button or youre gonna overload the serrrveeeer!" (in reference to
dall-e mini) over & over in this insanely, physiologically impressively whiny voice that i can't even begin to imitate

august 22nd, 2022

most recent discord message to make me laugh: "YOU ALREADY POSTED THAT ONE"

"briefly woke up earlier and laughed at the idea of a website burning down before falling back asleep"

i feel like i am in love, just not with anyone, or anything

in love with even the hypothetical concept of correspondence
& with the absolutely healing potentials of the material
plane even if they go realized so little

august 23rd, 2022

spending an entire semester growing increasingly flustered about my
inability to casually compliment a girl's style of dress was a good "arc"

i want to be friends with the guy who i saw laugh at the name
"spiderwort" last year at the little nature trail near campus

internal reframing of kissing as not the ephemeral acquisition of an experience of kissing but a way that a loss is
achieved, a casting away or subduing of something otherwise omnipresent & perennial, a barrier, a holding-back

august 25th, 2022

almost fell asleep on a couch-like piece of furniture on the big wooden second story
of a bar's patio while whispering comforting external statements to myself inaudibly

august 26th, 2022

the desk lady broke into laughter when i asked, "would you happen to have any water
bottles," because it broke open a relating between us around the a/c in the waiting
room being broken (which i hadn't realized it was, i just thought it was hot)

genuinely one of the most intimate companions throughout my life is the phrase "less cold equals more warm"
that the temperature knobs have been causing me to think practically every time i've showered since i was young

maintaining faith that somehow at some point i will go on an approximately six mile nighttime walk
with a person (& with a bluetooth speaker) across town to a radio tower that is visible from my house

august 27th, 2022

i want everyone everywhere to be as real as possible but i also want there to be room for someone i
love to display a qualitative-more-realness so maybe i want everyone to be just a tiny little bit unreal

awesome how one of my favorite songs i've discovered this year is titled as the
theme song of a movie character with a shocking degree of resemblance to me

august 29th, 2022

getting sweet pea to run laps around the apartment then trying
to throw a blanket at the right moment that it lands on her

august 31st, 2022

concept: giving an absented person's goodnesses back out to the
world in place of pining for their resumption external to you

september 4th, 2022

cannot overstate how much each day i give myself some vague kind of comfort by muttering to myself random
combinations of words from a more or less consistent group, ones that come to mind right now: funny, awesome,
weird, cool, guy, "guy who," brain, incineration, insane, death, horror, person, baby, ultimate

dancing to angela's theme with a cane balanced on the palm of my hand in a bid to entertain someone

hanging a coat hanger from my collarbone

thru the power of love

U will unlock

ur latent ability

To improvise!

if your reading this your awesome

september 7th, 2022

i love being silly so much & i love bewildering someone if
someone asks "what the hell are you doing" i will lose my mind

september 8th, 2022

thought there was a rock in my boot but when i stopped in a parking lot to take it off
it turned out to be a grasshopper which flew out & made me drop the boot in surprise

september 10th, 2022

it's been a long time since i've heard a certain sound of nocturnal insects that really deserves the
verb "chatter," like the trees are full of them all saying bursts of four calls in unison, it's one of
my favorite sounds i can imagine, i'm not sure which insects are responsible for it, i would like to
hear it again, it's something i don't imagine one hearing out on a walk but out camping somewhere

september 11th, 2022

i think its cool that i have a seemingly .002% likely combination of green eyes
& left-handedness. i will not forge this into a component of my identity though!

(song...) walking slowly across grass & blacktop in the sun while staring at the ground through one eyelid
opened as little as it can be while still letting through an image clouded with eye floaters & flickering with
involuntary microscopic muscle twitches, all tapering my cognition down to something dreamlike. reeling
my awareness in towards my deictic center until i'm curled in the private space between my pupil &
iris, living the warm & flickering quality of a memory, enveloped bodily & mentally in something
a filmmaker could only hope through editing to reduce disgracefully to a projection on a surface

september 12th, 2022

it's incredible because it's really happening

on my walk home i started laughing to myself at an image in my head of a really basic
computer generated image of an empty room with the american flag for each of the six walls

september 13th, 2022

this bagged sandwich i got from the food co-op is really good, someone made this with love

occurring to me that one could generously view anthropomorphization of God as an expression of
self-love, rather than narcissism... you can have the best of both worlds, you can love yourself
enough to decide God (the best Thing ever) might look just like you while still being humble
enough to believe the Sun will annihilate you like nothing if you mistreat it

september 15th, 2022

counted at least fifty small caterpillars that someone had made out of
clay & stuck onto lots of the trees bordering the little nature trail

smoothness is the ideal, to inspect as close as one likes & never find jagged edges, no jagged edges hewn into
smoothness as seen from afar, i should be able to inspect any of my thoughts & feelings as close as i like

september 16th, 2022

i love sparrow calls so much. it sounds like they are saying, with a voice,
not even onomatopoeically, "chirpity chirpity chirpity chirpity chirp"

time on earth to spend affectionately calling someone a creature hypothetically

the space between a person & the world is empty, it's an empty space that you only need to look across to see
the trees & water, there's nothing that needs to be developed there or anything lost that needs to be recovered

september 18th, 2022

about a year ago, a friend of mine described having once found, after searching for ages, what appeared to be a link
to download the then-unhearable album dream castles by vektroid. but it turned out to just be a sample from the song
x gon' give it to ya looping for the purported duration of each song. when she described this, it stirred forgotten
memories & i realized it had been me who had done that, seven years prior, long before i knew her

eating pickled okra for the first time in so so long...

september 19th, 2022

next radio episode is gonna be so gentle

september 20th, 2022

sometimes a pillow is needed at a certain spot although i am not
touching it. their placement can simply have a psychic effect. pillows

putting on my shoes to go buy a gatorade & bring it to a yik yak user in one of the dorms

it was a girl named lexi who gave me a hug & her roommate gave me a box of macaroni (i only
accepted the macaroni because i agree my way through interactions like a deer in the headlights)

this macaroni's going in the co-op baby

when i was trying to take a picture of the three distant asynchronous radio towers
during the brief moment that all three were on i was engaging with a music composition

gonna start keeping the drawer in my office stocked with energy bars or something & have a note on the door saying so

piesek w kratke & shaye saint john are the yin & yang of my brain

september 22nd, 2022

a joke that always makes me smile is claiming to be in some absurd situation that
would clearly be very unpleasant to be in then following it up with "it owns"

yesterday i peeked into a room hoping to find my supervisor & ask him a question, saw him
talking with someone, ducked back out of view, then the guy he was talking to said i could
ask a question if i needed. i was quickly seized by an impulse to leap back into the doorway
on one foot smiling with my hands spread in a "showbiz" kinda way & it made them laugh

september 23rd, 2022

i will not commit the self-own of beginning to believe that anyone is rotten truly to the core

the air outside smells great tonight. odd how sometimes the air smells more neutral & sometimes it smells great

ok restoratively dancing to fleetwood mac

september 24th, 2022

should make a routine of reporting occasions when i laugh a lot, &
explaining what the cause was. i think that's a positive exercise

the thing that made me laugh the most recently was that when those two people were in my office they showed
me a song by an old friend of theirs, they lovingly just did not think the song was very good & thought it
was funny for that. i randomly went to his last.fm artist page & one of the top "similar artists" was Freddy
Fazbear. i went to Freddy Fazbear's page & he had exactly one song, whose title was in Spanish

september 25th, 2022

i want everything to come from a wordless dynamic energy in me that feels so real to me, i want to feel connected to it
all the time, its direction feels so right to me. it'll never be written or said but its traces should be in anything i write or
say. & it's not some spiritual externality it's just the way all the signals come together in me but not in a way i could or
would want to "take credit for," i'm just happy with myself, i like this, i like the forgiving character to find in everything,
i like forgiving, i like trying to humbly deconstruct arguments rooted in concessions to pain. basically i love you "the
energy" & i hope you do not treacherously represent a kind of zealotry rooted in the insularity of myself only

you can say or do a thing for the most honest & unattached reasons & someone might still do their
absolute best to insist that it was informed by some underlying cynicism or self-servingness. but
it's not a problem, really, since in the first place it is a shortsighted undertaking to pursue approval
on someone's shortsighted terms, & there shouldn't even be the urge to. the best you can do might
be to neutrally work at showing someone how there really isn't a darkness underlying everything

in forty minutes i get coffee with someone
then g- g- g- g- go to the nature trail?!

we walked about nine & a half miles... it was a shockingly cozy span of social interaction,
i mean i'm thrilled, i mean i feel like a breakthrough has taken place, i mean... mirror neurons

proposing a new movement online where people take pictures of locations around where they live & make
nonsensical image macros of those pictures that just say really wholesome contextless things with no
joke, & this causes the layouts of their cities to become mentally tied with wholesome sentiments

the thing to make me laugh crazy today was my new friend trying to work out which fuel pump they needed to
pull up to, in what orientation, & how they needed to maneuver the car to arrive at the pump in that orientation
to be able to use it, & it was this spatial reasoning nightmare that they were getting frustrated about

forever enamored with the three discord messages i typed in a delirious attempt to test my cognition
after i got home completely destroyed by benzodiazepines from the dentist, before passing out

typomg tst

fuzy wyzztws eb

fuzzy wuxxy wuz a bead buazzy wyxyh adno hair fuzzy wwuzzy wasnt vrtyfuzzu ead e=hd

september 26th, 2022

i'm really excited

as i exited my office, i thought, "if i see K in the hallway, i'm going to say, 'fancy meeting
you here,' then, 'i'm gonna go get my soda pop.'" she rounded the corner almost immediately.
i said what i had planned to say, then i said, "as i exited my office, i thought, 'if i see K in
the hallway, i'm going to say, 'fancy meeting you here,' then, 'i'm gonna go get my soda pop''"

the college made the fantastic decision of installing four hammocks outside. today i have spent
a lot of time in one, singing along with the album holiday, & sometimes cocooning myself in
it by hooking all my fingers in the mesh & crossing my arms like a vampire in a coffin

it really hardly gets any better for me than the album holiday by the magnetic
fields, i only become more surprised as the years go by at how good it is

once K had joined me in my office i did the thing where you make a simplistic bright yellow face in ms paint
& make it sing something by dragging the circle tool, i made it sing home by david byrne & brian eno

when i got home my upstairs neighbor, who i don't know very well but have always felt he comes off as a little bit of
a jerk, was in the yard with his wife & they were playing with their daughter in a way that was just really wholesome

i might have to get my blood drawn again on friday but i am not stressing about it at all, they can take all they want even

sapir-whorf hypothesis has a really benevolent relationship to freckles i think

i can get really anxious about expressing even mildly positive sentiments towards people because
i over-analyze them & worry that they're exaggerated artifacts of being lonely a lot of the time.
i feel i can end up really stifled - this exists at odds with, for instance, me excitedly dancing
around the apartment just now at being invited to go on another walk tomorrow

the bluetooth speaker ends up featuring in a lot of my few happiest memories because it remains generally
irrelevant until the happy situation arises that i have an opportunity to listen to music with someone,
where it naturally finds utility, naturally features in the memory, marks the memory, it's like...

there's just something cool & special to me about that little system, it's like the imprint of a fossil in a rock, or a self-
fulfilling prophecy, or a time travel loop that creates an inevitability out of nothing. it's something that just makes sense

- posts may continue to appear in this lacuna -

september 27th, 2022

thirty-eight minutes late to class cause there were preparations i wanted to make for our walk, wanted
good music, i was measuring out file sizes against limited space, i had mp3tag open refurbishing the
metadata of the mp3s into a spurious "various artists" format so that it'd work right on my phone...

brain enmeshment really does just happen immediately & without
warning after an apparent eternity of a deficit of brain enmeshment

just walking back & forth processing

graffiti reading "thompson gang" inciting escalating laughter with each
rapid back-&-forth improvisation of "(distinctly nonthreatening name) gang"

person who emerges from bedroom chrysalis now somehow really good at small talk despite having merely
been in a bedroom (as if having traded short bursts of learning through experience for an eon of rumination
(the truth probably is that it is not a new general capability but that it is all in the person i have found to talk
to (although one could posit that i emerged from the chrysalis as someone right for talking to them)))

ctrl-f "bagg"

i was like... getting emotional in my office over this sandwich

september 28th, 2022

it really feels like, with meeting this person, the denouement of so many conditions hitherto exhaustively
expressed on my blog has struck me in the face like a baseball & i am still blinking & processing having
just been struck in the face by the baseball. "is this car ride seriously this great an inversion
of the norm?" ...but then, counter to that, it already feels familiar in a way too

threw rocks in the water for entertainment like children

just walking back & forth processing

september 29th, 2022

i think i feel... younger than i did on september 29th, 2021. i feel dynamic & personable & living & young

october 1st, 2022

made a guy laugh pretty hard by saying "yo mama so soaking that she is the flopping seal"

october 2nd, 2022

running home to take the large amount of energy bars in my backpack out of their ziploc bags & put them in
maybe a single paper bag instead because they mentioned an aversion to food in ziplocs at one point & i do
not want to risk the bars' being individually wrapped turning out to be insufficient to negate that aversion

october 3rd, 2022

[link] soundtrack of driving to olive garden because we both think the concept
of choosing olive garden as the place where we are going to obtain food is funny

so baller

october 5th, 2022

days so full i cant adequately write them down the way i write down other days

my friend & i each feel like we have known each other for far longer than we actually have. we are
both hungry for the dwindling supply of local parks that we have not yet idly driven to at night

october 7th, 2022

my grades are at risk of slipping because we are allocating so many days to vanishing
into each other's academically unproductive company for eight to ten hours at a
time but i have no inclination to oppose this & i'm drinking coffee every day

funny morning where i overslept & woke up fifteen minutes before a class where i'm taking a quiz so i
just stood up out of bed with my clothes already on, picked up my backpack & purse, & walked out the door

blood draw time... nurse said i have "tiny little veins"

baristas always saying i look cute & calling me "angel" & "baby" & stuff like that sometimes... people r nice to me

every random minor foreign politician or athlete with some banal wikipedia page who you can barely place
into any contextual framework that has meaning relative to your life can be for instance the untold day-
to-day story of a five year old who one day heard one of that figure's few mentions on some local talk
radio station & made maybe some crass pun about their surname that they laughed about with their six-
year-old sister & this progressed intomore of the unrecordable fluidity of juvenile banter & then
they were ushered into a car to visit a relative's house filled with storied objects & so on

october 8th, 2022

baristas calling me over in the bar & gushing to my face about my facial structure & outfits
& saying i've gone from very shy to "exuding confidence"... apparently they also hoped i
was on dates with my friend because they thought the sight of us together was adorable

i do feel more confident, the past week or two has felt... rehabilitative, among other things, like all
i've needed is this "case study" of a friend to prove to my face the extent to which people can be not
disgusted or confused by me. so that i can generalize that truth to whoever. i feel more friendly

very funny moment where we were sitting in the parking spot outside my apartment for a while talking about the geographic
direction we were facing, & how i use the dumpster as a compass because i know it faces north. they kept asserting very
confidently that if we turned to face it we'd be facing north, & i kept denying that & professing the reality that it
would be south, until they finally started the car back up & started reversing so they could turn towards it but
they had barely begun to turn at all before they said "FUCK, it is south" & started pulling back in to the spot

hammock cure all wounds

october 9th, 2022

brain simply is not going to be reading any more things for class, too riddled
with adenosine, just have to fall asleep & find myself in another happy friend day

october 10th, 2022

blame doesn't exist, humanity is like a holistic machine of interrelated temperamental currents,
you just have to do your best to represent the forces in those currents that are associated
with the incremental process of our global self-correction, that's all there is...

october 11th, 2022

having an all around frustrating morning but a guy working the front desk at the
library smiled mildly at me & it entirely reminded not to take things too seriously

october 13th, 2022

supervisor mentioned to me that he liked the inclusion of The Postal
Service in the last episode & said it brought him back to his college days

october 14th, 2022

another seven hours of unrecordably fluid interpersonal fluidity transpired... ok, end of report

today i liked bouncing in place on the balls of my feet or hopping in place rapidly playfully,
or running a funnily high number of laps around the car while my friend continuously
silently rotating to face me. i liked so many other tiny short lived things. i like existing

i liked when my friend said it was a crazy little scenario being under such a pavilion so late in such cold while
i had on such an extravagant fur coat & i said "its a situation :D" & i like our thing of saying "(wave) Hi, (point)
to you." with a certain playfully ritualistic cadence then progressing sometimes into "deictic center" sorts of jokes

i dozed off before i clicked "post" button of this one

have to get the lucy episode assembled by seven pm today but making slow progress
because i just want to listen to the lucy songs in the episode over & over while playing tetris

october 15th, 2022

convinced i have to play carl stone's shing kee during an outing with my friend at some point
& that it has to be at a certain time & place that i'll only know whenever we find ourselves there

today's order of business is garage sales

we're loitering under a park pavilion at eleven pm & a car just pulled up & psrked with
its lights on for a while then started blasting the hot dog song from mickey mouse
clubhouse & immediately started driving away & i heard a girl laughing really loud

i think this might have been a "reply" to me doing the diary of a wimpy kid "simplest back
& forth motion that could be considered a dance" to what a day by throbbing gristle like
they were saying i looked like the way they dance at the end of mickey mouse clubhouse

october 16th, 2022

yesterday at the thrift store i got vinyls of two different Christian
children's records sung by ventriloquists, with photos of them with
their puppets on the sleeves. i hope the music is suitably cuckoo

anachronistically wrote "I love MySpace!!!!!!!!!!" on a park bench & drew a heart wearing earbuds with the
word "MUSIC" in it then we set up my record player under the pavilion & are sitting in the cold listening to the
Christian ventriloquist records. i keep gently pressing the edge of the record to warble the speed at funny moments

october 19th, 2022

what i'm finding most interesting about this cults class is that it seems to offer soo many little... conceptual
fragments that feel like they can be chipped off of the topic of cults & generalized to analysis of other phenomena

i do feel unambiguously like i have run into the exceptional person who i have practically been waiting over
a decade to run into in this horror city however i will not inappropriately frame it in dramatic semi messianic
terms because things are normal, our days out feel like a new normal, more normal than practically anything else

(this is why i pick "exceptional," not in a sense of superiority but, well, of exception, exception to general absurdity)

october 20th, 2022

while my friend was in the restroom i placed this metal sculpture of a bird on my seat & left the room

october 21st, 2022

august 25th, 2022: this is where i want to stand with a person who is not insane. now you know that


there was a table there so we were sitting but

went on omegle & immediately ran into my friend & we started spamming
one character messages as fast as possible for at least twenty minutes straight

october 22nd, 2022

friend day tomorrow. smileday assuredly secured. events will happen constantly, all the
environmental elements around us will crystallize constantly into events instead of
signals sparking around in my nervous system inconsequentially, that will be cool

love as a person wanting something beyond themselves which could be restated as a person wanting to be "of"
a general churning of subjective elements that they're just not sufficient to carry out as one little junction of
ideas & feeling, which could be restated as um the world just wanting to move & churn & spark & swirl around

indivisibility boundaries people events borders elements
memories dynamics perspectives exchange conversations
serendipity influence signals boundaries information
mundaneness catharsis companionship aaaahhhh

on my way home the wind blew like crazy from behind me & whipped my hair around. i consciously subdued transient
concern over the consistency of my hair in favor of enjoying the feeling that the world was jostling me around.
i raised my arms & said "wooo!" then i noticed a huge detached branch hanging from a nearby tree & grabbed it.
i walked home with it raised imperially in one hand, which strained my wrist. i had my bottle of diet soda pop
in the other hand. when my friend gets here i plan to exit my apartment with the branch, open the car door,
say "i don't think the car will accommodate my branch, i'll just leave it here," & deposit it in the yard

you ever tell a joke that you maybe don't even laugh at much as you say it but it makes someone else laugh & then you really
go crazy over it because you can feel the new meaning it's acquired when refracted through that person's head in particular

october 24th, 2022

sense of privacy & safety evoked by the pairing of the gentle sound of
rushing air with the smell of dust burning in the vents after a period of disuse

i love the trance i get into when i'm engrossed in making primitive music out
of barely-adorned noise & tones in audacity there's nothing else like it

into the night by pure dopamine is never not like wrapping my head up in a warm blanket

im playing schnuffel in the car tomorrow

october 25th, 2022

we checked out a cd of Missouri frog sounds from the library & listened to it while driving to a park


i think lots of people are afraid or something to appreciate nature & animals in a completely... in a
way without anything between them & it. they want to jestingly make fun of them or filter them through
something, like, maybe aesthetics... i don't put anything between me & it i can't do anything but love frogs

october 27th, 2022

my friend just casually placed one of my gloves on top of my
head & i plan to keep it there for the rest of the day if i can help it

my friend joined me in eating greasy burgers with rubber gloves on

real happy tonight about how much my tiny dog loves me

october 28th, 2022

the falling leaves made me feel good today. i thought back to some internet gif i had once seen, of photographs taken at
the same place over about a year & animated to show the seasons cycling rapidly. a comment below said something to the
effect of "a person only sees about eighty loops of this gif." recalling this comment today didn't give me a dreadful
awareness of mortality as much as a kind of comfort in the absence of any separation between the seasonal cycle
& my own life processes. & also in a sense of inexorable forward motion. it was a very real feeling. it didn't
feel like i was trying to feel what i had heard of other people feeling about nature etc.

i promise to never again look up close at my face up close with a phone camera & fill
with dread over the mistaken impression that i look like my focal-length-distorted self

no-caffeine pact with my friend... head hurting very much tonight

october 29th, 2022

sitting in a corner plucking hairs out of my neck at a local rock band's bustling album release show

i like rhythmically plugging & unplugging my ears so that all the noise around me goes wah-wah

october 30th, 2022

we are somewhere

guy did a song with his voice & a loop pedal it was cool... if i heard the finished product
on bandcamp i',d think it sounded corny but watching it in front of me was cool

october 31st, 2022

guy handed me a small green Bible which i took while calmly saying "it's bible time,
babyyyy!" kinda squealing out the last syllable briefly & raising the pitch as i did it

when my friend & i were at the antique mall we saw this John Deere brand rocking horse that looked like it was about to cry

november 2nd, 2022

the idea of a high five is permanently tinted in my head by the manny heffley pokemon card where
the two moves are high five & bubby. that picture is how i feel when i give my friend a high five

we keep going to this park that i've thus far never spent time at & also have never seen in the daytime... i like the
way that feels, having every other place exist for me under any time of day but having that place only exist at night

each episode of my radio show feels like a certain character or flavor or color in my head
permanently that didn't exist before i made the episode. i really like that effect. juxtaposition rocks

we found a big field slash parking lot lit by a very bright floodlight type streetlight that was flickering very
fast so that the whole environment was flickering with this harsh directional light, it was very cool, beautiful

november 4th, 2022

friend house... we're gonna listen to lamplight in da garage

november 5th, 2022

lying on the futon thing hugging my puppy... big day tomorrow, flea market
& maybe an unvisited coffee shop. & another music show at that same house

i wish i could like cinnamon, it seems like it'd be a really nice cozy
flavor if i didn't have a mild allergy that makes it hurt to drink it

finally ripping the cd i got over a year ago from the elderly couple who play traditional ozark folk
music... might get it onto youtube today (the songs on this particular cd are more eclectic i think)

on one of our first outings to a coffee shop (maybe the first) a waitress wrote my name on a sticky
note that she affixed to my coffee & we noticed that with the particular way she'd written it it was very
easy to read it as either my name or my friend's name. i still have the sticky note... special artifact

november 6th, 2022

odd experience of reaching under a van - that's always parked at the same spot, that i've been walking
past on my way home for the past four years - to retrieve a bouncy ball, in the garage of the house
that it goes back to (one of my friend's parents happens to be the teacher who owns the van)

making myself laugh really hard by opening a carly rae jepsen song in audacity
& just adding a really piercing quiet sine wave over the full duration of it

november 7th, 2022

experienced a feeling of relief while standing in the candy aisle at a gas station recently when in my head i took
my discomfort with how i often look in photographs & juxtaposed it with the observation that the whole art of
photography is about actually capturing the (approximate) truth of whatever one is pointing the camera at

november 8th, 2022

in a building i haven't been in since 2014 that i associate with initiation
tape isle of avalon edition & it looks exactly the same... good feeling

november 9th, 2022

trying over & over to read this quora notification out loud to them while we're driving
to a park & breaking into hysterical laughter every time after the word "wrong"

found enjoyment in walking on an unstable tapering patch of a big pile of dirt where my steps would
make it crumble & collapse & my feet sink in, & i had to bend forward at the waist with my knees
straight & hands thrust out behind me palms downward to maintain balance at a certain point

wishing there was a big cardboard cutout of a generic bulbous head neon green skinned alien in this uber with me

here i will counterbalance the post i rashly made in an acutely depressed mental state three & a half hours
ago & again state that i have a good friend who makes me feel not alone at all in this city for the first time in
practically a decade & that we have already spent probably multiple cumulative days together since late september

someone needs to chase me seriously i have to play some tag or im gonna go crazy

november 10th, 2022

i feel childlike & good because it's the early morning & the weather
is perfect & i am skipping both my class & my office hours for today

watching two tadpoles keep near each other in the water as they investigate various plants, & not anthropomorphizing them
as loving entities in the same way people are (e.g. "ah, if i were a tadpole, in love with this other one"), but keeping to the
view that they're more like machines, particular discrete forms of the endless unified process of redistribution of proteins
(if i were a tadpole i would not be me, the exact confluence of factors that i really am). but at the same time i wouldn't
dispute that they are displaying love, & so love as a general process beyond humanity is when some things keep near each
other. & humanity does that too & people are conscious so they experience everything a certain way, namely love

photo of a grasshopper sitting on the notebook page where i wrote a bunch of memory cues about my last day out
with my friend, & the grasshopper is in focus while the red ink words traverse the range of focus & ascend into
blurriness. too many locations are explicitly named so instead of sharing the photo i describe it verbally

spectating a biology teacher giving a big group of students a tour of
the little nature trail, talking about various plants & stuff... happy

bamboo planted by a "bamboo fanatic" who emails him twice a month about bamboo... trumpet vine, oyster
mushroom, beaver damage, invasive milfoil from a student who dumped his fishtank in the pond a long time ago,
twelve snapping turtles who don't fight each other away as much because they can't see each other in the milfoil

spectating another biology trail tour... the teacher keeps throwing two fiberglass rods high up at tree branches
to knock stuff down for inspection. a guy ate a small pine cone. another guy found an authentic hundred
dollar bill in the grass, baffling everyone. the teacher gave some students persimmon fruits to suck on

november 12th, 2022

two people getting married because they think it's a very dumb & pointless ritual & they love each other
so much so they want to spend a day laughing at how silly & pointless of a thing they're doing & then
move on to other funny things (with the afterthought byproduct of now being legally married)

last night while we were sitting in the parking lot i just randomly smiled at them & blinked hard several times
& noticed i was smiling in a perfect way such that the motion of my blinks caused the flux of the inside of my
cheek to produce a quiet popping-like sound, so i did it several times in a row naturally creating the appearance
that it was my eye making the sound until they said "..what..?!" & i started laughing loud shriekily a lot

yesterday was the advent of a new ritual of shoulder-poking

november 13th, 2022

the discord "face holding back tears" has been my favorite emoji since the moment i noticed its introduction

autists in da hardware store doorknob aisle

november 14th, 2022

cloud cover looking velvety & lavender like my synesthetic impression of the word "wednesday"

gonna buy one of everything in the vending machine & leave it all nearby under a "for free" sign


november 15th, 2022

i think most of the things i read can make me feel good like the way an old old concrete table would feel in
my mind or the nonexistent dreary cities i'd picture as the settings of books i read in elementary school,
it's just that i forget to let it all do so, or i get anxious in pressuring myself to let it happen

drinking a bunch of warm water before i walk home in the cold so that my stomach is warm & it might reach my fingers & toes

november 16th, 2022

a girl just interrupted class to recount the dyatlov pass incident to the teacher with no context or connection to anything

november 17th, 2022

meeting my friends for blueberry tea, duty-bound to report this in opposition to some preceding depressive typings

i think i should start keeping my purse on me a little less. i don't like how by being slung over my left shoulder it defines a
"main" half of my body. i just walked a ways with only my backpack on & i felt more balanced, equal, default, unadorned

trespassed around a huge condemned auditorium while talking on the phone with a friend then went to
an empty theater & improvisationally played the big piano there while he also played a piano,
now i am dancing around the empty theater to his super low phone call bitrate beats

completing my thirty-two degree walk home right as bby starts on the bluetooth speaker & putting it on loop & taking off my
coat & dancing around my living room to it until i can't stand to anymore then opening the sliding door so i can cool off again

november 18th, 2022

i really like how at the start of this song he playfully highlights that it's a cover by semi-quoting an appropriate lyric

flamboyantly danced around in the middle of the student center to the marching band music
that started playing over the intercom as a test of the emergency notification system

i want dustiness

november 19th, 2022

tonight was listening to another episode of my show with my friend in their garage then laughing
a lot with them at rudimentary 3d animated knockoff versions of kid's movies then lingering at
their house until three-thirty am not doing very much but just idly existing together is pleasing

laughing a lot watching them use their phone's word suggestions to compose a message reading "good morning
Have a great weekend everyone and stay safe and healthy always and have a good day ahead always love and
stay hydrated and healthy too always be healthy stay hydrated stay safe and well and stay healthy always"

if birds wake me up earlier than i would have preferred i quietly
assign them the right to because it's just not something i can hate

november 21st, 2022

poke shoulder

november 22nd, 2022

in september of last year i had a small meltdown in the little college discord server over how intolerable i found
my lack of relating to anyone there or generally in the city, & i left. i likely would not have met my friend in
september of this year if i had not experimentally rejoined the server in august, only eight days after they joined

that belief in God can bring comfort to people feels very sweet for the secular reality that it reaffirms which
is that for a human being things can be okay as long as on even the most general level there is someone

november 25th, 2022

i have this frequent speech habit of saying neutral sentence in sort of a chiding tone kind
of like the recipient should have already known what i'm saying but in a way where it's
obviously not sincere but a kind of lingering latent joke laced into whatever i say

november 26th, 2022

tomorrow my friend & i drive an hour to an art museum... we both tend to only laugh at things if they
breach an exceptional threshold of insanity & we both acknowledge & appreciate this shared tendency

dollhouse i encountered today

what would i do without my vaporwave album that mentally transports me to being in a church at age fifteen

concept: refusing to mentally concatenate a stretch of highway into a single dull object (& thus guaranteeing that
pall over the entire distance), in favor of atomizing it into a thousand discrete individual sights (e.g. if you can
love e.g. tree branches spiderwebbing across cloud cover or floors of damp fallen leaves then things can be okay)

written on march 2nd, 2020, read out loud on the highway:

here r my lifelong (pseudo)synesthetic impressions of the days of the week

Monday & Wednesday = soft-syllabled lavender-colored days one would associate with a grandmother ... the name of
wednesday is appropriate in its phonetic invocation of wind ... Wednes, Agnes ... perhaps Monday has a bit more plastic to it

Tuesday & Thursday = hard T & R syllables, the crimson red of bricks, the clang of metal, a rounded edge of a metal table,
Tuesday is more crimson & there is more the metallic taste of Thursday word. but both bricks & metal tend to feel cold

Friday & Saturday = fryday ... supperday ... the Friday is black & bristled, almost like a grape soda ... but this can be in
line with sizzles, perhaps the carbonation crackles ... while Saturday enters into the weekend, typically yellow, the freedom from
school aligned with the yellow heat, heat of supper frying, of Summer & Summer's freedom from school, satursummersupper

Sunday = yellow. auxiliary day. the Sun of course, yellow Sun. the end of the precious weekend, & the beginning of
the week. like it exists outside the week. as you are outside the week so too will you contemplate things outside
physical ... 2 simultaneous contradictory states, Alpha & Omega, the beginning & the end, & as the Sabbath in
Christianity the yellow brings to mind the yellow tinge one might see all over when visually imagining
arid archaic settings of Biblical stories. the yellow crayon on the white paper is too bright

the museum is one of the craziest places i've been to in a long time,
i didn't expect it to go anywhere near as hard as it does... happy

the craziest thing i've seen here is a crystal/coral-like structure made of shirt buttons that creates an intense feeling of
my eyes being unfocused when i look at it. but the yayoi kusama infinity mirror room we're about to go in might top it

november 27th, 2022

my friend went into a bathroom in search of a trash can to throw away a little plastic cup
they had & found a guy who had been trapped for an unknown length of time because the
door's lock had malfunctioned in some way where it couldn't be opened from the inside

november 28th, 2022

my heart rate increased when as my friend & i touched the fingertips of our index fingers (a ritual which
by itself incited no such increase for its more neutral feeling) they included also their middle finger
such that the first joint of their middle finger approximately touched the first joint of my index finger,
during this span i stared out the window & commented on unrelated things like aspects of the landscape

writing everything down has come to feel more frenetic than it used to, more burdensome. i feel less inclined, even
though i want to, want to keep everything, keep things from slipping away into time, now more than ever really

Neocities, i am thankful for scented candles, antique stores, music, blueberry tea, orange incandescent street lights, radio towers,
sound of washer & dryers, friendship, the sound when my upstairs neighbors vacuum directly over my room, silliness, everything
i've ever heard or read which i might have easily not heard or read but which i felt like i really existed a little more for having
heard or read it, the autumn burning smell, my dachshund, woodland creatures, the calming sound of the a/c vent above
my bed when it's on especially if i've woken up & would like to fall back asleep. & all diversity, liquidity, spontaneity,
dynamism, imagination, originality, sincerity, honesty, & truth which hides all across the world or announces itself proudly

reading about beat induction on wikipedia while displaying beat induction in response to a tonetta song

walking with K & quietly said "yeah" under my breath in response to a hypothetical text message that i was idly picturing
in my head, then played it off by transitioning into quiet frivolous scatting which went unremarked upon. then i made
a conversation point of thoroughly confessing to her what i had just done which elicited laughter as i had hoped

december 1st, 2022

experiential poetics are forming

december 2nd, 2022

washed off an orange in a taco bell bathroom

another tiny basement show it's this crazy synthesizer infused rock band that actually feels like a treat to be witnessing &
there's all these syncopated lights & such loud continuous bass frequencies that my entire insides were vibrating like crazy

december 4th, 2022

thinking about the dr. dre song where he says "when i'm on the mic it's like a cookie"

december 6th, 2022

seek out & collate, from each decade starting at the 2020s & working back to the 1610s,
one painting of people kissing or embracing which honestly speaks to you & jumps
out at you with the sense of humanity it communicates & then look at the paintings

unintentionally making my friend laugh by earnestly beginning a hypothesis with "i wonder if my bones get cold &..."

i ran into one of my old math teachers today & he was really buff with stubble & a deeper voice
all of which was like a radical departure from the affably dopey demeanor i remembered him
having just a few years ago, i lamented the loss of that version of him just a tiny bit

eating a tray of mushed up berries that looks like raw animal entrails

december 7th, 2022

laughing really hard at making the worst powerpoint transitions play really slowly in my media framing presentation


december 8th, 2022


december 9th, 2022

you have kennel cough

emos vs. chavs

friend & i about to ride in a horse drawn carriage...

december 10th, 2022

fatigued from laughing so much at the 2004 computer animated christian film joshua & the promised land

got coffee & rode in horse drawn carriage & drank apple cider & looked around cozy preserved home from
the 1920s i think & laughed a lot at previews for other polish cartoons on my piesek w kratke dvd & got
fatigued from laughing so much at the 2004 computer animated christian film joshua & the promised land

no one laughed [at the slow powerpoint transitions] which is ok because it only emphasizes my present
fortune of having a friend worth my time in a world where it often feels like no one at all is worth my time

december 11th, 2022

new food: cave burger

made a guy sitting across the coffee shop laugh by plugging my nose & nasally saying
"SCANDALOOUUS!" with mucus in my throat giving it that warbly burbling effect

the candle industry

december 12th, 2022

the secret lore of me noting down here the phrase "the candle industry" is that my friend & i were looking
at candles & i earnestly began a sentence with something like "i feel like the candle industry..." & then
they cut me off by laughing & repeating "the candle industry" & then i started laughing at it too

the more i think back on it the more i feel like this one particular moment kind of "sealed the deal" on
my getting along with them, as if the past seventy-eight days hadn't done that already, as if the first day
alone hadn't, but, i am simply really enjoying thinking back on the highlighting of "the candle industry"

i was trying to say how i don't like when the smell of a candle feels like body wash & how it creates
this sense of 'the system' having like a limited roster of scents for it to transmute into different
industries when scents are called for & there's kind of an unreal 'living in a vivarium' feeling to
that, there's candles that don't really smell like body wash though so it maybe doesn't totally
make sense & i wasj ust triyng to be all cool & smart... but it speaks to a real anxiety i guess

the chorus of this song makes me cry

december 13th, 2022

i cant look at this thing without losing my mind

badger badger & so on (mushroom etc.)

if my friend does a foreign exchange semester i will try my best to go too...

already happy thinking about showing my friend the insane over-produced Solitaire app on my phone
covered in neotenous farm animals because i am almost positive that they are going to laugh at it

december 14th, 2022

car ride talking about shared alienatingly paradoxical desire to feel
unity with others under umbrella of non-categorical ways of thinking


found the most angelic crystalline sounding wind chimes i've ever heard... will post a recording tonight

channeled an unwise amount of sleep deprived depressive energy into tumblr lately which i hope to purge off
shortly but, on the other hand, i'm now in a place where i feel like i could go as depressively nutty there
as i want & then go feel happy & normal with my friend & that's the reality & tumblr is just the website
that i kind of messed up on... still best to avoid it though because giving things language in that way makes
them feel more real than if i just push past it quietly & bide my time until i have something happy to say

december 17th, 2022

my new wind chimes smell weird

december 18th, 2022

hold hands & watch short youtube videos uploaded prior to
2009 with titles like "aaaaaaa," "bbbbbbbbb," "ccccccccccccc"

december 19th, 2022

children's song roy g. biv by they might be giants that is one of my favorite songs by them
& used to make me tear up because i would project onto it Absurdism desire for meaning

crucial clarification: this wasn't like an ironic subversive projection of a darkness or sadness or
seriousness underlying the sweetness of the song the kindness is just part of it unified synthesized

december 20th, 2022

i love saying or gesturing like i'm going to imminently do a reckless thing that i'm very obviously not really
going to do & people feigningly say "nooo!" ... this bit has reproduced itself within numerous friendships

december 21st, 2022

i love streetlights bordering a bridge & i love pulsating red radio towers

sitting in the coffee shop with my friend but suffused by a need to be
writing some things down. wish i wasn't restricted to just my phone

during a car ride a song (all aboard) made me feel smiling happy like a song hasn't managed to in a while just
cause it was so twinkly sparkly & the energetic tempo was like the moving of the car & i saw this perfect
perfect view of a row of orange streetlights under the really gloomy blue overcast sky, & the lyrics
made me feel this dopey thematic resonance with being on my way to the library to print bus tickets

& then on the way to the coffee shop the song all joy for all eternity was like this
willingness to project the character of the synth tones onto all the lights & it
made them have this unconcerned majesty? & i was thinking about...

how in depth of a question can you ask to a person working the Greyhound ticket counter before they
have to refer you to some phone number to an associate with some specialized body of customer service
relevant knowledge but still not a holistic grasp of the entire Greyhound system so it's like

how much can you really understand about every system you come into contact with, not much because there's not much
incentive on the part of any employee to pursue a holistic grasp & no bureaucratic procedure for dispensing what
knowledge there is & people just aren't expected to care & then this is only one company & everything is
uncaringly obscured in the interconnected federation between all the private corporate entities

& it's disturbing & weird but anyway i was seeing this majesty feeling to the lights
during the car ride & thinking about even this bureaucratic absurdity was giving me this
pleasurable swelling feeling in my chest like awestruckness maybe even if by something bad

& i had this cognitive shift over the course of it where as we were walking down the
sidewalk i felt like everything was really happening around me & on the couch in the coffee
shop i had this need to write for way too long on this stupid phone & it's not enough

december 22nd, 2022

important night which concluded with standing in front of each other in the parking lot holding hands & saying each other's
names & the word "hi" in the usual syntactically barren mishmash of those three words with me visibly & audibly shivering

not seeing them for the next two weeks or so feels like it is going to be a trial & i will be counting the hours

i think i get to be in love


december 23rd, 2022

the part in 392-2509 / walk this way where the vocal sample comes back in at 1:45 is like being in Heaven

something i want to note about this is that for a while i was only listening to the song on crappy laptop speakers where
i couldn't tell that a kick drum comes in at that timestamp, & i think the moment is a LOT better when it feels like there's no
kick drum but just a rhythm communicated only by the vocal sample's little dips in volume from the compression, when
i hear it like that it's like this feeling of incredible smooth gentle subtle confidence, like this sense of release where
an energy gets to come through again but just as a glowy white wisp through a sieve or the pores of floorboards

december 24th, 2022

when i spend time with my friend & we both feel like ourselves i feel like i am coming home from
some long inane detour in my life path where i couldn't tell you when exactly i was shunted onto it

i am going to spend my nine-hour bus ride seeing how well i like the songs Song of Joy by The Cultural Decay, Contre-Courant by Pour L'Exemple, Stranden by Picnic Boys, Sure by The Moonies, Paradijs by Ovens Van Ondank, Oral Pleasure by 3rd Man, Survivor by Stranger Still, Divide & Conquer by Wombat Suicide, Love or Something Like That by Spleen Fix, Shakespeare by Bunker Strasse, Exit the Fear by Webcore, Wither by Pankow, The Ultimate by A Shadow of Light, Crazy Shining by Pagan Easter, The Border by Trial, Zeitgeist by Ende Shneafliet, Sciami di ghigni by Vermillion Sands, Tropical Desires by Liquid Pink, When Love Just Walks Away by Headcleaners, Television by Tranquil Eyes, Help to Helpless by X-Offender, Devotion by Seaton, In Your Eyes by Boysdream, La fleur du destin by Cold Phoenix, For You by Blitz, Always Waiting by The Ultimate Sway, This Hook by Perfect Vision, En Afrique by Lynn Bau, The Cold by Eskimos & Egypt, Action Before Silence by Week 20/21, Immunity by K4, Everything's Gone Now by Unknown Creed, One Sweet Night by Weimar Gesang, Nella nebbia (Non oltre saro) by Bohemien, Shadow by Wrong Kind of Stone Age, Derriere le mur by Art Remains Tangible, Cold Meat Industry by Njurmannen, Along the Riverbank by Infidels, Out on a Limb by Vertical Hold, Human Zoo by Digital Dance, Dreaming by Asylum Party, Prosecution Time by Data Control, South by Naked Spots Dance, Y en a marre by Harbor City, Lowly Ceremony by Odessa, Switch by Abecedarians, To Stretch by Style Sindrome, Murder by Die Rote Fabrik, Recita per me by Axa Vanea, Desespoir desespere by Analoid, Les reves de peur by Trop Tard, Night Fever by Struggler, As Time Goes By by Living Sign, The Fall of an Empire by Eclipse, Room on Fire by Filming for India, Meridiana by Inner Nail, Isao by Winter Light, Concept by Astral Bodies, Effetto notte by Diaframma, Nostalgi by Kommo, Woman of the Snow Down Mountain by Hermastache, A Will to Win by Repetition, Carousel by Party Day, Cool Wind by Geluidshouwerij, The Obsession by Acute Logic, Take These Screens Away by Just So Stories, Jet Black by Exotic Pets Erotica, Velvet Claws by Placebo, Rise & Fall by Earth's Epitaph, Waiting Room by Nasmak, Strange 9 to 9 by Xymox, A Gift of Tears by Jeunesse d'Ivoire, Internal Silence by Lung Overcoat, Air Moves by Slowly by Sport of Kings, The People's Song by Passive Factor, L'evade by Triangle blanc, Talk by Necropolis of Love, A Correct Adulation of Himself by Blaue Reiter, This Emptiness by No Words, Dopo l'attacco by Dead Dance, Danger Zone by Killed in Action, Some Day by Human Device, L'or a... by Exces nocturne, Autoportrait by Spleen Ideal, Machine by Vibo, Angeli by -ISM, This is Pantomime by Vicious Circle, Hide & Seek by 13th Chime, English Summer by Our Violet Hour, In Need of Answers by Morkelagt bevegelse, Angslan i Europa by I.S.9, Civilization by Day After, High Cost of Living by The Threat, Confusion by The Klingons, Petrified by Cold Dance, Rubber Bounce by Ungeheuer Am Steuer, A Walk with Love & Death by The Joy of Living, Standing on the Other Side by Neon, Idyllis of a Live by Saigon, Lebensraum by Stunt Kites, Le cri by Pro Memoria, La victoire est obligatoire by Bunter Guillaume, Seance by Twisted Nerve, Dream for the Day by Cold, Make Up Your Mind by Real Imitators, The Prayer Clock by Stress, Polka-Dot! by Bam Bam, I Cried a Little by Gone Fission, Sweet Dreams by Dakka Dakka Dakka, & Souvenir of Departure by Discipline

december twenty-first is an odd moment. "things have just been made indisputable but i have to disappear
for two weeks now," throughout which things will just feel kind of... flash frozen at that moment. but maybe
things wouldn't have been made indisputable if i had not been about to disappear for two weeks, who knows

As you lay in bed on Christmas Eve, you can't help but feel a mixture of excitement and nervousness. The anticipation of waking up to find all your presents under the tree is almost too much to bear. But at the same time, you know that you have to be asleep when Santa comes down the chimney, or he might not leave any gifts for you. So you try your best to drift off, listening for any signs of jingle bells or hoofbeats on the roof.

And then, just when you think you might have fallen asleep, you hear a faint shuffling sound coming from the chimney. Your heart races as you realize that Santa must be here, delivering presents to all the good boys and girls. You try to keep your eyes closed, but the temptation to peek is almost too much to resist.

But you know that you have to be good and stay asleep, so you take a deep breath and try to calm your racing thoughts. You remind yourself that Santa has a lot of work to do, and he needs his strength to pilot his flying reindeer and his sleigh across the whole world. So you make sure to leave out a plate of milk and cookies for him to drink and eat, so that he can have the energy he needs to complete his important task.

And as you finally drift off to sleep, you can't help but feel grateful for all the joy and magic that Christmas brings. You know that this special day only comes once a year, and you can't wait to wake up and see all the presents that Santa has left for you under the tree.

it is now the period of awakeness where i will board the bus... stick that in your pipe & smoke it

i'm on the bus... marinate on that

read that again backwards

who else remembers this guy

comment of you share it

post links to descriptions

post me

certain lucy songs permanently make me picture locations from my bus rides now & i was asking myself before
this ride if i wanted to listen to him the whole time again & strengthen that little lucy-bus juxtaposition
world, or branch out to some other newer music to cultivate fresh varieties of association

i spent a while trying the playlist i mentioned before but eventually settled on lucy because
i feel like his... oddball friendliness is the only thing worth soundtracking countryside
scrolling by. it's like the music understands the humble value of the mundaneness outside

convinced i have to play carl stone's shing kee during an outing with my friend at some point
& that it has to be at a certain time & place that i'll only know whenever we find ourselves there

this hasn't left my mind & i think i have an idea of where it will be. it won't be until springtime.
it'll be at a particular spot of a general location where i'll also reprise a song that i informally
designated the "theme song" of that location exactly once in a flippant remark at some point

atom by atom at a time without a word ever said

enamored with "interchangeable anonymous darkness" to describe the interstate at night

i think i might understand how someone who believes in God - who hasn't just been taught to do
so but simply must believe - might feel if snidely told that there is no proof of Its existence,
when i think about how it's kind of a matter of belief that dogs can experience love

i want to be forgiving

i want to be curatorial, un-entropic, directed, organized, tactful, sparse, with restraint, to only speak here
if i have something distinctly beautiful to report, to show how crystalline something can be, to prove the
possibility of crystallinity, to show the positive potential of any medium, a blog or a book or some
miraculously inspiring piece of trash on the ground. & i'm faltering in it here by posting too much
& being blithe unless that's actually the "right" thing to do but i imagine it having more discipline

brief heart rate spike at a guy who looks like someone i know on discord meandering
across the bus terminal in a way that briefly looked like approaching me with intent

december 25th, 2022

thought about the adjective "hyper" as a descriptor for a
young child for the first time in what feels like many years

sudden uncontrollable laughter on my pal's bed over the fact that there are people who
work for Sprite & someone wakes up thinking "it's time to go in to my job at Sprite"


where did chica-go


the wholesome context behind me writing this down is me coming up with it in realtime on an air mattress in a room with a cat
tree; & a giant print of a stock photo of a forest on the wall; & a motivational poster that's just a tree & the word "CHANGE;"
& tiger posters from a calendar all over one corner of the room; & baby blue walls; & glow in the dark stars adhered all
over the ceiling, right before i sleep & laughing uncontrollably at how stupid it is & reaching for my phone to
write it out & my pal calling me "goofball" before turning off the light & shutting the door

When You Hear Someone In The Chimney On Christmas Eve You Know It's Santa Coming Down And You've Been Good All Year But You Better Not Hear Him Because You Have To Be Asleep While He Delivers All The PResents Placing Them Under The Tree On Christmas Eve And Leave Out A Plate Of Milk And Cookies For Him To Drink And eat So That He Can Be Strong And Not Hungry While He Pilots All The Flying Reindeer From His Sleigh With His Big Bag Of Presents Across The Whole World So He Can Reward All The Nice Children On His Nice List
And Then It's Back To His North Pole Workshop With His Elves Making Toys For The Rest Of The Year Until The Day Of Christmas Eve Comes Again!

december 26th, 2022

spread my arms too vigorously while standing in the front yard & the top button of my coat popped off & flew
several feet away into the snow, vanishing without a trace... pal & i must have been out there for about twenty
minutes sifting handfuls of snow through our fingers & trying to filter the thing out of shovelfuls

we're boarding the bus back to my city in two hours. my hope is that when all the snow melts
it'll just be lying in the grass & him or his family can mail it back to me. i want my button...

december 27th, 2022

spent nearly the whole bus ride thinking about lying in bed collating a
playlist called "night bus"... looking forward to sharing it when it's done

i think i've to some extent unconsciously acquired M's habit of pushing their lips out
so the upper one touches their nose whenever they're thinking intently about something

december 28th, 2022

Puzzle Pirates just took down their warrant canary

[link] it's beautiful because the song would become half as good if the lyrics were intelligible & you know that he knew that
& that the joyful friendliness of the cadence & tone on their own terms were the entire aim, chosen in that sense precisely.
& i don't know that it would work if it was just abstract vocalizations, i think it's a necessity that it does sound like there
are words hidden underneath. but that they are hidden makes it feel so expressive in an indivisibly human happy way

~ "silly love" mix ~

"it's just really awesome to be in each other's company because it feels so....it
feels so 'pure', like we are the fox and the hound, or two five-year-old children."

Yahoo! Answers, March 3rd, 2014

december 29th, 2022

latest discord message from my local friend, a message i appreciate a lot: "teachers love to eat apples"

things around which prophetic energy is accumulating for me: carl stone's shing kee, elderberry wine, goodnight punpun

some days all the idiot metacognitive "theory" goes away by aligning
with ornate simplicity into the "practice" of a manic happy flippancy

nothing beats the "dry" feeling that the air seems to infuse me with at the tail end of a very
long walk. very at-home feeling. i am in my apartment right now & i can smell cigarette smoke

nostalgic connection to cigarette smoke is questionable but ultimately it's like ultraviolet light stimulating vitamin
d production at the same time that it breaks down my dna, very concise display of the cyclical character of
of life, unity of life & death, everything that sustains me is entwined with my destruction too, part &
parcel, i still plan to die without having ever smoked a cigarette or consumed nicotine though

#trail theme #by the time this posts on the queue i likely will have played this again at the trail

december 30th, 2022

standing in the corner drunkenly mouthing to the entire twenty-two
minutes of current 93's the starres are marching sadly home

my soul tangles with the souls of people with natural affinities for the
phrases "it's over" (data points: 2) & "what the" (data points: 2) (overlap: 1)

in my experience one of the nastiest dichotomies that the internet hosts could be summarized with a dynamic wherein people end up
associating with what i will term "4chan users" (though they need not necessarily "use 4chan") who seem to at least express their
abuse articulately as opposed to expressing their kindness flatly. & i will stress that in my eyes the expression of flat kindness
is obviously as much the engine of that system as the expression of articulate abuse. articulate your kindness. try your best

december 31st, 2022

not to be dramatic or anything but in this moment i feel grateful to whatever suprasupernatural force decided to
bypass all of God's preventative machinations in the interest of introducing against all odds someone i think
i really love who feels like fully realized un-abstracted exception to the unwavering temperamental perversion
i see in nearly everything human, at least what's human that all hovers around me on a day-to-day basis, that
i don't have to unearth as cultural history. & spending time with them again in a week or so is nearly
all i care about. i type all of this calmly, not with an air of being head over heels or anything

saying that i see "unwavering temperamental perversion in nearly everything human, at least what's human that all hovers
around me on a day-to-day basis" is a cynicism that i maybe don't really want to embrace even for the sake of inverse
expression of love so i'll note that i choose to believe that beautiful sweet things are happening in the houses all
around me, but that i see none of it is where my struggles & fears can naturally grow & live... all the distant
anonymous lights of houses nestled behind & amid a distant treeline peeking irregularly through the branches as
choreographed by the parallax & certainly filled with warmth hidden away that's not mine but there all the same

the frustration of not spending any of the perfect weather together is very real & it hurts in the
short term but it may be good in the long run as verification of my feelings. & in any case the
nature trail & a stevhen peters album almost makes me feel too tranquil to care so much

love for the arbitrary patch of earth that happens to be
very very convincingly disguised as a repulsive city but
love for all the other arbitrary patches of earth too

it makes me laugh a lot to paste ascii art in discord so that all the formatting characters
affect it & it gets totally mangled & then i copy the message as it shows up in the
chat window & run it through again so that it gets increasingly messed up