aka: "a better angle on my nature" :)

december 31st, 2021

the structure of romantic affiliation, established as an excuse to enact the unstructured human animal playfulness that
should, to the extent that anyone is comfortable, just flow freely across & through social boundaries? rolls eyes...

structure, which has a compartmentalizing effect, being imposed on the un-
compartmentalized ideal of universal silly human friendship... rolls eyes!

january 1st, 2022

echolalia as a mark of trust

january 6th, 2022

eat a bunch of noodles & become intensely tired... dusk dim bedroom
tinted blue quiet voices mingling with calming air vent noise cozy blissful

january 10th, 2022

sometimes i want to come here & type something like, "being alive is good." but i start to worry that i would
just be saying it from a place of fortune or privilege, & that it might feel a bit alienating for someone who
just can't help but to be having a deeply bad time at the time they read it. but just this once, i am going
to be presumptuous & say this scandalous thing, if you all can forgive me... being alive is good

january 13th, 2022

i know the correct incommunicable "flavor(s)" for me, & i am the only one who has to

i wanna laugh giddily & flee up a parking garage

january 15th, 2022

my mirror neurons are jiggling & dancing

underrated about snow: even if you are not looking out the
window at it you can feel the whiteness of the light coming in

the bond that is exposing one's surname through a paypal donation

its awesome to construct serendipity by doing random things

january 16th, 2022

need to make a greater effort to keep "bonkers" in rotation in my vocabulary

january 20th, 2022

i want to get lost in an unfamiliar neighborhood & lose my sense of direction, lose track of my
relation to landmarks, so that i can again face subjectively forward instead of objectively north

january 21st, 2022

i want to believe that if all people are maximally honest, then, to some degree, the whole of life, taken as one entity made
up of the wills of all people, shifts cleanly into the particular shape that it yearns for. it is a muscle aiming to contract
into a position it already knows, & each grain of dishonesty from each person is another pin holding it in place

january 23rd, 2022

i want to have everyone's memories in my brain instead of having to rely on stories of them, thats love maybe

learning everything from one thing, but without fanatically ascribing wisdom to it... since it is only one
outcropping of life's general act of portraying itself & yourself to you in only the most obvious terms

january 25th, 2022

i want to be giggly

january 26th, 2022

i want to do a lot of things. i want to be a million people. i want to occupy a sunny memory or a sunny vision collage of past
sunniness & inarticulable desirable energies fragile & lingering from youth, i want to be a runny liquid occupying all the
cracks & crevices of what there is to feel & engage with in the world, do things to construct real existence constantly,
it has to be real unmoored mapless direct living unmediated by the comfort of personal categories & identities & creeds

the most productive derivation from all discrete categories of thought & books & genres
& lessons is no categories or figureheads or subcultures or genres but the creativity &
impulsivity underneath & to act & construct with no guide & free of polluting influences

i think the best book or milieu or philosophy or genre will only try to destroy itself in the mind of the reader, be the last
category so that it can be the last, so that there can be no more. to make them see the emptiness that was there before it
& its kind arrived. i want to feel only what's actually there & not what's been placed there, i want lots of memories

january 31st, 2022

good morning everyone, let's try to make it impossible for another person to believe that solipsism is real today

february 4th, 2022

sour berry teas.....GOOD GOD!!!!!!!!!!

february 5th, 2022

i am grateful for the experience of being able to have sprawling & analytical & un-ego-clouded conversations
about love & relationships even if on the more direct experiential level they can be stressful & heartache

laughing hysterically from word association ping pong exercise

february 7th, 2022

february 11th, 2022

i finally bought rubber boots. tomorrow i am going to walk across
a big puddle to a previously unaccessible footpath. so so baller...

february 12th, 2022

i like you

february 17th, 2022

the best thing synthesizers can do is sparkle & twinkle

february 19th, 2022

run around run around a parking garage run down empty street at two am reframe commercial district as thing to
run around creating associations between every building & minute positive memories walk around woods walk
down one of those endless lanes cut through trees for telephone poles that you'll see from the highway usually

february 21st, 2022

my secret radio technique: having the microphone situated above my head because
it is easier to sound friendly if i am speaking in a kind of supplicating posture

a person you get along with so well that they are akin to a bowl of water at precisely your skin temperature. when you
place your hand in the water, you don't notice any difference. this leads you to fear that you are becoming tired of
them, that your compatibility is waning. but this is only a counterintuitive appearance brought about precisely
by the substantial degree of the compatibility itself, & it is the compatibility, clearly still there & still valued
but acknowledged on a less conscious level, which leads you to fear its supposed waning in the first place

february 25th, 2022

been trying toast lately. didnt realize this stuff is lit fr!

february 28th, 2022

for maybe my entire life i have had a habit of swishing saliva or moving
air around in my mouth to the rhythms of songs unconsciously

march 1st, 2022

no more sarcasm ever

march 3rd, 2022

need to extend the most vulnerable & affection-oriented headspaces to all branches of life. not in a literal & emotionally
overbearing way, but a simple tendency towards avenues which possess at least a glimmer of emotional continuity (or at
least a strict absence of outright emotional incongruity) with the most real, unassuming, unmediated, & unaffected kindness

march 13th, 2022

writing down the order of the tea boxes on my windowsill before i haphazardly pile them all on my bed so that
i can open my window without disrupting the continuity of the autistic tea box random shuffling process

hearing birds in my room immediate therapeutic effect

march 15th, 2022

i will be nice. i will be nice. i'm not going to unconsciously assume selfish or ignorant intents in people who reach out to
me. i'm not going to prioritize attempted understanding before actual living. i won't apply all benevolent intent towards
just determining precisely who i need to turn my nose up at. only real niceness, no internalized stepford smiles

how to declare war on falseness without declaring war on the subset of fellow human beings who carry out falseness

have to just focus on myself

forgetting an ideal i've adhered to in the past: focus only on purifying oneself so as to serve as
a model - leave what i hope to serve as an antithesis of unspoken, don't sermonize against it,
let my presence speak for itself. only positive modeling instead of negative condemnation

but don't overly concern myself with serving as a model either. just live & try to improve myself while
acknowledging being a model as an optimistic possibility that may be made more likely by the efforts
toward improvement - but keep it largely out of mind so as to let the efforts continue to be for their own sake

march 22nd, 2022

incapacitated with hysterical laughter from playing the star wars episode one theme & spamming
discord bot commands that rewind it two seconds & holding my mic by my dog slurping milk

march 25th, 2022

i accidentally went long enough without burning my candles
that they're taking me back to when i was burning my candles

march 29th, 2022

i find myself at an unanticipated moment where i am as empty as a child, viewing a stretch of grass, one like any other, the way
i did when i was young. the moment is pure practice without deliberation or articulation, wordless & immediate, solitary, pure

april 4th, 2022

if my creativity wanes, then i cannot employ it towards being nice to people, & things will move towards stagnation. if
i can employ a constant creativity towards being nice to people, then things will generally become happier & better.
there is no surefire way of maintaining real creativity, because routine & ritual are antithetical to the spontaneity
of creativity. there is a constant war to wage against entropy, & no tactics to be found, only discrete sums of
ingenuity, each unique, to be summoned in acts of constant improvisation. & a bottomless hole to toss them into

april 9th, 2022

the search for one person who i think really understands the quality of benignity

april 10th, 2022

good news i dozed off by my teas without rolling over & disturbing them

i would like to systematically walk into & thoroughly explore every house in my neighborhood without regard for
property or privacy, just to discover all the various perspectives & styles & little worlds that are hidden away

april 11th, 2022

good night everyone, as usual please do everything in your power to
make the falsity of solipsism very apparent to those around you

i want someone who will collaborate on the ambitious pursuit of holistic sweetness not just compartmentalize their sweetness
to me, no actually i want someone with whom to perform the simple act of making the pursuit cease to even be ambitious

april 19th, 2022

i have an easy time cracking myself up by making cat noises because
it's funny to me how disturbingly easy it is to sound exactly like one

april 22nd, 2022

lying on the floor under a blanket, letting sweet pea bite at me. she got very excited so i opened
the door & she ran laps. no people here & no music & only the simplicity of the interaction. its
like if youre in a room & all you can do is watch the dvd logo bounce, more wholesome though

i felt really happy earlier today. everything felt like a dream. the wind was blowing waves in some grass &
i looked through the window of a bus stop at reflections of buildings behind me ethereally overlaid over the
landscape behind the window. i've only had one coffee in the past ten days. soon i'll be able to visualize my
neurochemistry as a placid pond again & rid myself of any inclination to buzz or hiss. i just walked home
two miles with a case of sparkling water in my backpack then collapsed on the futon in the living room
for twenty minutes with my eyes closed letting autechre's elyc6 0nset scrub my brain clean like steel wool

april 25th, 2022

the dusk light is just as calm as it was when i was a child, it's just rhythms in
my head that make it frantic. it's my own feet that produce the constant motion

april 27th, 2022

someone who used to think they were a broken person because they felt so empty, until
they came to believe that their emptiness was the stoic & real emptiness of nature &
life, visible when not obfuscated by the world's urgings to fill it, & they were
a fool to follow those urgings & strive so intently to negate the gift they had

may 2nd, 2022

tearing up at a stuffed animal restoration video

may 3rd, 2022

i love komm susser tod so so much beautiful paradoxically joyous "universal entropy
as analogy to human pain" undercurrent of anxiety quaintly basic lyrics music

may 8th, 2022

my advice is don't attach to pursuits that turn good things into bad things, i.e. if your
window is open & the wind is blowing peacefully through your room don't decide you must
have something propped up which keeps getting blown over & making you dislike the wind

may 9th, 2022

i think materialism isn't disenchanting because the material plane is so insanely broad & complex as to have
produced all the phenomena that were sufficiently chaotic & secretive to be regarded as supernatural in
the first place... the world is so rich that living in it can be indistinguishable from spirituality

may 13th, 2022

learning a lesson at a place & remembering the lesson whenever you pass the place

may 16th, 2022

finding & appreciating a very lonely-feeling location like a street light somewhere. picking a radio tower visible from
one's house & trekking to it. setting out from a randomly chosen location & flipping a coin to decide which way to turn
at each intersection. scattering a deck of tarot cards by leaving one each at seventy-eight discrete locations planned
in advance. taking pictures unless it shifts focus to the future, dissociating from the present moment

if i'm active in a discord server that has a channel about video
games then inexorably i periodically go there & say "i win games"

may 17th, 2022

i like fun

may 18th, 2022

things have to be allowed to be more subjective & dreamy than is permitted by
exposure to the stark portrayal by tv shows harassing me when i leave my room

may 23rd, 2022

my soul is just full of these pics of toys being exemplified as objects

may 24th, 2022

"i do not accept evil. man is perfect. the soul does not fall. progress exists. ... up till now,
misfortune has been described in order to inspire terror & pity. i will describe happiness in
order to inspire their contraries. ... as long as my friends do not die, i will not speak of death"

Comte de Lautreamont, Poesies

may 25th, 2022

privately immerse oneself so thoroughly in a fantasy of being cathartically loved that it brings into focus the
realistically productive perspective of how imperative it really is to excommunicate from one's concern all
things sufficiently petty & incongruent with that feeling. derive real betterment as if it had been real

i want to be in a room with a person or multiple people & to play a part
in filling that room with warmth & life through my words & actions

dusty captivating types of music that album covers will cause me to improvise in my
head prior to actually playing the albums & having to settle for what's really in them

may 26th, 2022

a guy is doing something to our plumbing which produces a constant sort of ripping sound under the floor that is
heavenly to me in the same way as my upstairs neighbors vacuuming. i am lying on the floor to be close to it

may 27th, 2022

staring at the possibly permanent calloused patches of my sedum adolphi & asserting to myself that they are part of its
normal functioning & do not impart anything positive or negative about it even if they are a product of my agency

may 30th, 2022

light absorption making distant objects look faint & white is more beautiful to me than almost anything

june 6th, 2022

started laughing hysterically lying in bed last night cause i imagined someone having a stress dream that
was just an endless slideshow of still images of turtles with bloodcurdling screaming over it constantly

june 7th, 2022

check out the very sweet late seventies hungarian cartoon a
kockasfulu nyul
(the rabbit with checkered ears) on archive.org

june 15th, 2022

a vast array of mundane & commonplace cynicisms, each juxtaposed against
a notion that a lack of imagination to envision any better way to be is the
only thing preventing any given one of its practitioners from starting to cry
like a baby in grief over the way they've been permitting themselves to operate

june 16th, 2022

"tends to share & reinforce excitement if there is something like chickens
or a goat, or just a squirrel" is a critical romantic prerequisite i think

i'm silent & blank which is why i want someone who
would find something endearing in witnessing
me simply performing a mundane action

june 17th, 2022

here is a music playlist i have just made that is themed around sweetness

june 18th, 2022

keeping a playlist of all the songs you find, drawing from it when sharing music with people, & having a condition on which
you delete a song from it, which is that the person expresses that they particularly love the song. this encourages all the music
that passes through you being made to actually find someone it's particularly meant to find, instead of languishing with people
it's not so much meant for, & pushes to maximize the productivity of that sifting & shifting of people's awareness of things

saw the most most beautiful moment i think i've ever seen in the billowing of clouds an incredibly exquisite blending of blue &
pink & grey, i fled inside for my camera accidentally slamming the door loudly but couldn't find a camera before it had passed

i'm going to die without the love of someone who can & must love animals without imposing human-centric abstractions
like hamfisted anthropomorphism or lenses of modernized aesthetic stylization over the single what's-actually-there

june 20th, 2022

in the cool night by a fence by a chicken coop by a field surrounded by mostly darkness with pinpoints of light like a distant
orange streetlight, a nearby light pole, the bright moon that i can't quite focus on, the stars more pronounced under less light
pollution than usual, with a dog barking somewhere to the south, lonely-feeling, off in the distance & echoing from
far in the opposite direction. i am accompanied by a cat. walking out slowly to the fence then turning my head
sluggishly from sight to sight as if in a daze, alone, wanting the moment shared, nocturnal remoteness

when i do something nice for myself like take the time to swing on the hammock hearing birdsong
i feel oddly like i am doing something "just" even though it's only for myself, i mean this in a
sense like i see myself largely from the outside & regard myself as something to take care of

june 24th, 2022

imagine your nervous system going haywire so that you can barely perceive through
total sensory overload that someonme is standing over you going "moooo!" over & over

it just clicked for me that systematically voicing gratitude for everything one eats as in the style of a table prayer is actually
a pretty romantic thing & the idea just got knocked out of my head at an early age since all my exposure to it was really stiff,
awkward, externally prescribed ritual oriented around a being i'd quickly decided didn't exist... every humanistic quality that
i could've taken away from childhood exposure to religion just got overrode by my dissatisfaction with the phoniness of the
supernatural justifications, in tandem with having never bothered to think about it harder due to privilege i guess

june 27th, 2022

trudging in unbearably uncomfortable boots across huge sun-parched hay field
thinking "i have to get home & write about this i have to get home & write about this"

i just got most of the chickens to chase me at full speed simultaneously, it made me laugh hysterically

june 30th, 2022

i love orange streetlights a lot & i really love the way that
they are streaming through the blinds of this little apartment

july 1st, 2022

the song talkin' like you by connie converse wins my heart when she says "sort of a squirrel-thing"... it's
like, "woodland ambiguity," "taxonomic obscurity," playfully confrontational bafflingness, biology,
the "normal cat pictures" twitter account (the best account on the whole website)

july 2nd, 2022

a guy across the aisle in the bus got my attention solely to point this house out to me, having
otherwise not spoken to me or acknowledged my presence whatsoever... it's like he knows me

july 4th, 2022

i really like the over-the-top packaging of fireworks, how it exists
in the same unchanging world as illustrations on fairground rides, etc

july 8th, 2022

one of the things i fantasized today was someone asking why i was walking to the spare
bathroom in a house instead of the main one, & i said, "i like that there is a duality," &
he said, "you like that there is a duality!" now with an exclamation point but a soft one

im ready to topple a mountain range for some good lemon meringue pie...

my pal's house is like a hundred years old. i really adore old houses like this. you can
feel it in practically every aspect. flat level ceilings & old defunct wall outlets that
have been painted over. hardwood floors & baby blue paint & an unmistakable smell

july 10th, 2022

everyone's life has existential poetics, that goes for me too whether or not i "like" my
particular poetics on the particular level where my coveting of alternatives can play out.
it doesn't do me any good to pass my own personal judgment on my circumstances

if i am going to toss expressions of my feelings out on the internet, i'm conflicted about having
them slip into being so dismally self-centered. maybe there's a place for it as a real type of
emotional expression, but... i think everyone should come at this... parentally, everyone should
put out humane ideas so as to be diffusely parental towards the general climate of ideas

july 12th, 2022

"stop that, you don't wanna get its attention" (after i imitate a distant train horn several times)

tune into the web stream at kcck.org for our soundtrack to every moment in this room & my imminent sleep. i love it

july 13th, 2022

in my city, downtown, there is a building whose whole second floor is occupied by a ballroom. it has been there my
whole life, & i have always wanted to see it. all i have ever seen of it is the pretty design on the ceiling when i go by

july 14th, 2022

we met a really friendly cat. when i held my hand like that it hopped up on its hind legs to headbutt

july 15th, 2022

remember to be nice & good to the outside world not be a
jerk while warming yourself with your secretly good insides

july 17th, 2022

a certain radical internal restructuring of myself to make
my current situation instead feel blissful exactly as it is

it's like my brain is completely bifurcated into the half that needs to freely recognize how inconsolably agonized it is,
& the other half that needs to drown it out with amazingly pure belief in the curative capacity of rain & flora & rainbows
& birds & the simple silent non-escapist tranquility of a room in a house & forgetting all deadening pop culture & curling
up on soft furniture & speaking softly & forcing my subjectivity to be self-justifyingly valid & real by sheer force of
will & just being all the human yearning for joy forcing itself to be real by way of its eternal confident justification
& the beauty that comes even with flaws if one can just let go of everything less than good & it just asserts
assertively for the good of everything that this all just can't not be real. & just & & &.

& neither of these halves wants to take no for an answer

i don't know how to phrase it it's like i just need to be ok because even just the idea of earthly Heaven is clenching
at me & it's itself (adjective) enough {bright, good, pure...} that i don't even have the option of denying it.
but i need to be ok to accept it. i can't let go of how good life could be even if i really want to

july 18th, 2022

we're basically out of money so today we are resorting to the willfully dumb adventure of taking a bus to a dying
mall with a bag of thirty-six quarters & putting them all in gumball machines to see if we find anything weird

my favorite sensations in life are all very tiny slight unintentional brushes

i sat next to my pal on the bus & the jostling of the
bus caused the fabric of his t-shirt to graze my arm

one time i sat next to the diaphanous curtains over an open sliding door during a storm &
the wind made them billow out such that the peak of their arc just barely contacted my arm

a few nights ago i sat on the couch with my foot just barely contacting
the paw of the dog lazing on the floor & her paw would move slightly

once i lied on my bed propped on my elbows behind me & the
ceiling fan made the ends of my hairs blow slightly against my back

sometimes a dog will prop its leg on me
while it licks itself & it will be a jostling

i don't know if purposefully affectionate touches can mimic these things!

july 19th, 2022

"women be visibly subvocalizing as they read" followed
by me laughing each time i try to resume reading holes

i love wordless fake-screaming like i'm
terrified of something that i'm actually not

dinner at his very kind grandparents' house &
looking through a scrapbook of his baby pictures

i like my voice best when i get a little mucus caught in
my throat & it makes me sound kind of like jake tobin

i like these artists

july 20th, 2022

his dad has a music studio in the basement & it smells exactly like the tiny house
in the middle of nowhere that i lived in for the last third or so of fourth grade

sincerely i attribute what current deficiencies there are in my character partly to not spending
enough time rereading the discord server with only me in it (expressing wholly unfiltered desire
for love) & reminding myself how unworthy of my time anythingsufficiently dissimilar is

i feel like "i'm sorry" was taught to me at a young age as what felt like an impersonal ritual & it took me a pretty
long time to grasp that it really is a verbal tool devised against empathetic pain & that people actually say it
under the duress of a personal drive to obtain relief from that pain by expressing that they are feeling it

his grandparents were very sane & warm people, & being in their
presence sort of compelled us to be a way that i liked being

july 22nd, 2022

cats that purr when they eat food

july 24th, 2022

i believe in mental objects, i believe in objects that one can hold in one's mind & which have no analogy to neither shape
or texture, or any sense. nor do they cater to verbal description. but an object can be there & be unmistakable as the
object that it is. i believe that holding the right object in my mind can make me a good person, & that will naturally
bring me all-around contentment, generally... & that an object has a quality of just sporadically inspiring
words & actions in line with its particular character, of realizing its character

july 25th, 2022

look at these two pictures & think "it's still conceivable that one could approximately have the experience depicted in
these pictures instead of typing emotionless discord messages about how dumb of an idea the 'metaverse' is," once
you've done this you have grasped the overall messaging of this neocities & can tune out if you so please

i miss my firm pillows

july 26th, 2022

improvise midi hoedown music in your head now

july 28th, 2022

if i conceive of everything as a terribly stacked struggle, i am setting myself up to lose it. i can't be kind
myself unless i believe again in a world that has an essential kindness persisting under all of its flaws

july 29th, 2022

chipmunks on 16 speed "heaven is a place on earth" really
really is one of the best things i've ever heard i think

there's a specific common term of endearment that i've inexplicably elevated in my head a lot to
where i wouldn't call someone it unless i really really felt like i really really meant something
with it. i won't tell which it is here, that'd feel like watering down the idea of it maybe...

referring to a man on a motorcycle as a critter on a doohickey

person who successfully spends one hundred percent of
their lifespan having their upper back scratched lightly

i could imagine someone showing me one of their favorite films, & me not liking it that much, & then someone else
showing me one of their favorite films, which happens to be the same film, & i like it that time just because it's not
really the same movie when viewed through the lens of that person's act of enjoying, the way they talk about
it, & just generally who they are & what they associate with... from this maybe i could generalize to some
conjecture like "maybe with someone i love i could love the whole world as seen by them"

july 30th, 2022

july 31st, 2022

guy calmly drinking a glass of milk then doing the cabbage patch to celebrate that

i think i'd be a better person if i talked to children regularly

i love veggie tales so much

august 1st, 2022

i've said it before, but i'll say it again: i think there's a lot to be said for trying to apply cinematographic logic
just to one's vision. just standing in the right place to create a satisfying framing. letting something linger, letting
something pan as you walk, watching the monolithic rotation of a building as you pass. sometimes it can come down
just to the direction you point your eyes as you sit in a chair, one direction picturesque, the other not, or what
you train your eyes on... i guess it'd be more accurate to say that this is not a cinematographic approach
to experience as much as cinematography is a simulation of this activity that's always available

each time the bus is passing some radio towers (or just one?), the light reflecting between all the windows creates a really
convincing illusion of an entire landscape of them in perfect sync... i think it's one of the most amazing things i've ever seen

his mom didn't know what she was doing when she gave me a flower
right before we set off for the bus stop... checking on it constantly

august 2nd, 2022

"i wanna hold everyone, i wanna say everything"

when sweet pea wants on my bed she jumps up against it then gets scared of me because she knows
i am going to pick her up to put her on it but she has a fear of being about to be picked up that
exists in a totally separate realm in her head from wanting to be picked up & put on the bed

august 4th, 2022

fake medicare phone scammer started laughing when i started rapping
superflypapertrailblazer & i started laughing as i was going

yesterday in the car we passed an old two story building that was mostly painted blue
but on the side was exposed brick that traced the outline of a staircase leading up to
a line representing the floor of a balcony on which there was a bricked up doorway

august 5th, 2022

i have to live in a world that's fancifully forgiving, it's like today when i found a gap in a fence & said "they
left a gap in the fence, that's so kind," it doesn"t really matter if it was consciously kind or just a random
perturbation in the process of fence-building-or-maintaining, so for me i have to let it be kind

august 6th, 2022

woke up at just the right time to see absurdly beautiful overlapping shadows of thin blowing tree limbs on the
bathroom door (they had a "collage" feeling). my phone was dead so i didn't have time to record them before
the sun had moved a little & the effect wasn't at its strongest anymore. it was a real privilege to see it though

august 7th, 2022

when i was young i didn't perceive whether an animation of a person leaping high into
the air was crude or not because it called to mind the fun idea of leaping either way

sweet pea is cocooned in this bedsheet

milk is awesome

good news: i just scrapped a text post instead of knowingly indulging the
self-contradiction of typing six paragraphs about desire for simplicity

i almost added to this with a big paragraph-long caveat but that would not be simple

august 8th, 2022

when i went to that free painting class about a week ago, it jumped out at me how physical it is, the way the colors
can just smear & blend according to atom-fine fluid dynamics & create complicated textures in a kind of controlled
chaos that'd be laborious to replicate digitally... hopefully i sound like i've been living in a cave for my
entire life & just found out about the concept of painting, because that's how it felt

typing "raises hand" in the middle of my friend's story & waiting for them
to "call on me," at which point i type "says nothing," followed by "proceed"

august 9th, 2022

to me the sensation of having my upper back grazed is light blue

the length between my elbow & fingertips is also
the exact length beween sweet pea's tail & forehead

literally some random guy who's never put out any of his music sends it to me on soulseek in an attempted act of playful
pseudonymous self-mystification & it has two of some of the best songs i've heard in at least the past year. so awesome

august 10th, 2022

i want to paint more

august 12th, 2022

you can hear a tacky, miserable song on the gas station p.a. & do a dopey little dance to it, a dance that seems to say, "hey,
look, this is all pre-decided & piped in regardless of how we really feel about it, but we can still make something of it in
a way that rejects the standard two options, of either... resorting to snide parody, or trying to take on & embody the
music's prescribed character. here i'm just blowing its character out of the picture & replacing it with mine, blindly
appropriating it as the host for an expression of desire for everyday frivolity that sports a childlike indifference
towards the alien prescription, that doesn't waste time articulating rejection but visibly takes it as its
fundamental premise & works from there," that's what you can say with the dopey little dance

thinking only about a person resting their head, in an indivisibly, unaestheticizably mammalian sense that through these
words won't get swallowed by someone else's head & decorated into something it's not, that these words only skirt
the outline of because it's a wordless action, not a statement. a person getting to rest their head in a sunbeam

coming to see a person resting their head on another person not as an activity pre-defined in its whole (which gives it a sense
of being a prescribed ritual) but as just a very frequently occurring dynamic collusion of the two wholly separate, independent
factors of people liking to rest their heads on what is available & people who like each other liking to be close to each other

concept: you are going to find yourself in a role-reversed version of a scenario you experienced in the past,
& are going to be able to offer the response you wish you could have received. this will not so much be
a morally instructive experience, akin to a person who passes up all opportunities for generosity &
later becomes a beggar, as much as it will be an opportunity for a kind of vicarious catharsis

august 15th, 2022


for my birthday i try to gift myself... "reset point"

not God but a kind of grounded & mild-mannered subjective phenomenon that is visibly
real insofar as you feel it & which you could understand some other person naming "God"

some thoughts are just things i have to think for myself, as tools, to guide me along towards being happy. &, naturally, i'll get
the impulse to share them, because i hope to share their apparent utility in engendering happiness. but they just might not relate
to anyone else's "process." so, i just have to become happy, & then being in that state will probably let me come up with
all kinds of things that are better suited for sharing. to compensate for what i didn't need to be sharing before

august 16th, 2022

concept: a person makes repeated attempts to internally "sanctify" this or that date, location, event,
or what-have-you, such that the given thing marks some kind of transition into general betterment or
well-being. after numerous failures, one of these attempts succeeds, for whatever nebulous reasons

soon, once it has engendered some number of positive outcomes, the original nebulous reason for its success is naturally
phased out & replaced with a kind of stably self-justifying validation wherein the person is sufficiently grateful for
the success that they can't bring themselves to consciously disrespect it through whatever sort of regression

august 17th, 2022

i didn't go on that long nighttime-sunrise walk across town to the coffee shop. but i will in
seven & a half hours, in the rainy early morning. & now it'll be to meet someone over coffee!

a guy sent me a random instagram message & it inexplicably caused my phone to notify me of the past two hundred messages
in that window consecutively, playing the notification sound over & over. when i turned the screen on & saw the messages
piling up in the push notification, i briefly thought, with earnest excitement, that he was using some kind of computer
script to carry out a socially experimental act of sending a gigantic deluge of questions in sequence

an absolute all-timer of a youtube comment for me is the one on this video that says "i adore this quiet contest of wills"

august 18th, 2022

wordless appreciation & respect for the reality of a blanket & taking another
person's need for rest like still yet another surplus proof that they are alive

combing through one hundred pages of my blog picking out the most
unfetteredly positive sentiments to collate them on a dedicated webpage

august 19th, 2022

everyone deserves to find beautiful art, to see the best things in themselves reflected out in the world & know that they're real &
to feel seen in that way. no one should have to settle for works that merely become highly visible as icons of nostalgia, frivolity,
sadness, playfulness, wisdom, of whatever property, such that they're settled for as things "close enough" to the highly personal
feelings that a person actually needs to see outside themselves, which may end up left abandoned in their comparatively difficult
specificity, maybe never even acknowledged, for having never been brought to light by things that really spoke to them

i can't believe i cured my heart solely through the mechanism of it being my birthday so awesome

high five

august 20th, 2022

pledging to skip all the way to & back from the store in a minute here with
the hope if not the expectation of psychologically benefiting an onlooker

unconsciously muttering to myself "cogito ergo cool funny
weird. cogito ergo awesome cool. cogito ergo ultimate"

august 21st, 2022

going to keep an eye out for ways i can proactively embrace rather than
suppress the ritual-based character that i possess as a human being

concept: you are going to write out a list of every single person you feel most strongly about maintaining a personal
connection with. you are going to establish a ritual of messaging all of them each friday, & asking how things are
going. you may also do this at any point in the weekly interim too, of course, but it will at minimum be done each
friday. you may send all of the messages simultaneously, or stagger them across the day. you may end up modifying
the particulars of this system in accordance with your particular circumstances, but not to an extent that fails to
preserve the intent & effect of the system as described. maybe you will untether it from the strict singular
weekday & experiment with various intervals, perhaps varying for each person, synchronous or otherwise

watched a bald middle aged guy abruptly skip across starbucks to the
counter, saying, in a high voice, "a hee hee! a hee hee! starbucks a hee hee!"

i love saying "so freaking baller"

(person with genuine fear in their voice) what- silly alex... in the house tonight? it can't be...

a contender for the funniest thing i've witnessed this year is my friend parodically saying things to the effect of
"guuuuuyyyyysss! you cant keep spamming the button or youre gonna overload the serrrveeeer!" (in reference to
dall-e mini) over & over in this insanely, physiologically impressively whiny voice that i can't even begin to imitate

august 22nd, 2022

most recent discord message to make me laugh: "YOU ALREADY POSTED THAT ONE"

"briefly woke up earlier and laughed at the idea of a website burning down before falling back asleep"

i feel like i am in love, just not with anyone, or anything

in love with even the hypothetical concept of correspondence
& with the absolutely healing potentials of the material
plane even if they go realized so little

august 23rd, 2022

spending an entire semester growing increasingly flustered about my
inability to casually compliment a girl's style of dress was a good "arc"

i want to be friends with the guy who i saw laugh at the name
"spiderwort" last year at the little nature trail near campus

internal reframing of kissing as not the ephemeral acquisition of an experience of kissing but a way that a loss is
achieved, a casting away or subduing of something otherwise omnipresent & perennial, a barrier, a holding-back

august 25th, 2022

almost fell asleep on a couch-like piece of furniture on the big wooden second story
of a bar's patio while whispering comforting external statements to myself inaudibly

august 26th, 2022

the desk lady broke into laughter when i asked, "would you happen to have any water
bottles," because it broke open a relating between us around the a/c in the waiting
room being broken (which i hadn't realized it was, i just thought it was hot)

genuinely one of the most intimate companions throughout my life is the phrase "less cold equals more warm"
that the temperature knobs have been causing me to think practically every time i've showered since i was young

maintaining faith that somehow at some point i will go on an approximately six mile nighttime walk
with a person (& with a bluetooth speaker) across town to a radio tower that is visible from my house

august 27th, 2022

i want everyone everywhere to be as real as possible but i also want there to be room for someone i
love to display a qualitative-more-realness so maybe i want everyone to be just a tiny little bit unreal

awesome how one of my favorite songs i've discovered this year is titled as the
theme song of a movie character with a shocking degree of resemblance to me

august 29th, 2022

getting sweet pea to run laps around the apartment then trying
to throw a blanket at the right moment that it lands on her

- posts may continue to appear in this lacuna -

october 28th, 2022

the falling leaves made me feel good today. i thought back to some internet gif i had once seen, of photographs taken at
the same place over about a year & animated to show the seasons cycling rapidly. a comment below said something to the
effect of "a person only sees about eighty loops of this gif." recalling this comment today didn't give me a dreadful
awareness of mortality as much as a kind of comfort in the absence of any separation between the seasonal cycle
& my own life processes. & also in a sense of inexorable forward motion. it was a very real feeling. it didn't
feel like i was trying to feel what i had heard of other people feeling about nature etc.