january 4th, 2022

spontaneously able to articulate a terror i feel sometimes, i think. i am not sure that the overall point really makes
sense, but i will still try to put it into words for the fun of it. i think i am trying to ascribe a quality to the
present that is not at all unique to the present. maybe it is sharpened in the present, at least. i will still
type. it probably makes no sense as a generalization, but it can be applied to contexts, i think

the idea is that i should ideally strive to do something benevolent with my life that is miraculous to accomplish. but
what i am convinced of, at times, is this: under better & less confusing sociohistorical conditions, the appearance of
accomplishing that miraculous thing would be locked into alignment with the actual process of accomplishing
it. the two couldn't be separated from each other. at times, i feel like this is not presently the case

the world feels very populated with narrative conventions & stereotypes, about life, & of ways that professions & identities develop
& progress. this might lead to one deluding themselves into feeling like they are authentically pursuing something, while just
replicating the beats that seem like they're supposed to happen... like a hackneyed writer who seems to indulge the stereotypes
of being a writer, to the detriment of their authenticity in what they say, because they have in their head too clear an image
of what a writer "is." the appearance & process can become dissociated, so things can tend to reduce to appearances

so, at times when i feel concerned about my own authenticity, & whether i might be inhabited by these kinds of shallow
conceptions about life & reality, it can feel like... it is, inanely, a miraculous act just to establish & maintain one's basic
connection to authentic living! & then it is only once a person is at that stage (akin to standing on the ground that
everyone once stood on, until they were all buried in the dirt) that they can even begin to pursue something actually
miraculous without fear of simply pantomiming the pursuit of it... & so the actual attainment of that miraculous
accomplishment has a doubly miraculous quality, like accomplishing it while wearing shoes made of lead