january 4th, 2022

spontaneously able to articulate a terror i feel sometimes, i think. i am not sure that the overall point really makes
sense, but i will still try to put it into words for the fun of it. i think i am trying to ascribe a quality to the
present that is not at all unique to the present. maybe it is sharpened in the present, at least. i will still
type. it probably makes no sense as a generalization, but it can be applied to contexts, i think

the idea is that i should ideally strive to do something benevolent with my life that is miraculous to accomplish. but
what i am convinced of, at times, is this: under better & less confusing sociohistorical conditions, the appearance of
accomplishing that miraculous thing would be locked into alignment with the actual process of accomplishing
it. the two couldn't be separated from each other. at times, i feel like this is not presently the case

the world feels very populated with narrative conventions & stereotypes, about life, & of ways that professions & identities develop
& progress. this might lead to one deluding themselves into feeling like they are authentically pursuing something, while just
replicating the beats that seem like they're supposed to happen... like a hackneyed writer who seems to indulge the stereotypes
of being a writer, to the detriment of their authenticity in what they say, because they have in their head too clear an image
of what a writer "is." the appearance & process can become dissociated, so things can tend to reduce to appearances

so, at times when i feel concerned about my own authenticity, & whether i might be inhabited by these kinds of shallow
conceptions about life & reality, it can feel like... it is, inanely, a miraculous act just to establish & maintain one's basic
connection to authentic living! & then it is only once a person is at that stage (akin to standing on the ground that
everyone once stood on, until they were all buried in the dirt) that they can even begin to pursue something actually
miraculous without fear of simply pantomiming the pursuit of it... & so the actual attainment of that miraculous
accomplishment has a doubly miraculous quality, like accomplishing it while wearing shoes made of lead

january 26th, 2022

community isn't walkable, cars become necessary element of life, cars are containing enclosed thing, transit becomes vector of
isolation taking the place of the potential encounters & events that can happen as people pass each other unenclosed, removing an
entire arena from which the diverse combinatorial results of unmediated human exchange of ideas & feeling could be produced,
& producing a chilling effect on these things, playing one part in the promotion of a general stagnation of ideas & feeling

diverse circumstances of isolation collude to semi-necessitate internet usage, which indeed mitigates
isolation but makes togetherness a vector of internet effects, which may include isolation to some degree

& of course one may come in looking for human connection in a mediated form, presuming the least obtrusive mediation, akin
to a phone call, but there are incentives for any glancing encounter with the internet to serve as a gateway to what is largely
an entire ecosystem of both naturally emergent & purposefully constructed psychologically manipulative systems
that tend to impose distortions & chilling effects on regions of consideration & discourse

february 17th, 2022

a tumblr post making the rounds: "some of y'all never close your eyes in the sun and allow it to envelop you in feelings of peace and contentment and it shows"

(quietly & impotently accepts the affirmation from nearly eighty thousand strangers - truly, eighty thousand distinctly enumerated
- that the act of unfetteredly existing in the world is to be in any way taken as a kind of mark of superiority over anyone,
is to in any way possess any vaguely hostile or judgmental character defined in even the slightest part by the rhetorical
tone of a social media website, rather than to actually be done for nothing less than its own unfettered sake)

february 23rd, 2022

the same general emotion is felt by a person who feels stoic enough to handle the content of a tepid
"transgressive" netflix comedy special, vs. someone who feels stoic enough to handle going
through boot camp & all the proceeding disciplines of being in the military

that sort of content tries to pose its challenge, "to handle it," to as many people as possible. no one asks for it, which is
admittedly a natural quality of a challenge, but it is also doubtful that you could find anyone who would ever honestly claim
to have felt they needed it. regardless: should it arrive on their doorstep by way of mass media, inviting no reply, & play
a part in instilling that stoicism, they may inanely come to feel in retrospect that it was necessary or healthy

the content, & the mindset it aims to instill, is so viscerally annoying because of the understanding that its challenge is totally
inconsequential, suspended in a vacuum of general material comfort & a confabulated need for entertainment. the stoicism it
encourages is also likely to manifest only as complacent tolerance, by way of emotional repression, of other, more "necessary"
"challenges," suspended in other pointless vacuums. the harsh realities of the job market & defending the country & blah blah
blah - not that anyone has a choice in many of the challenges imposed on them, but this stoicism would encourage an
ideological alignment with the validity of the imposition of those challenges in the first place

the difference between the transgressive media & the other challenges is that the person is expected to congratulate
themselves for overcoming this trivial nothing presented to them in the comfort of their living room, yet once
they leave that room the same mindset is expected to contribute to a supplicating tolerance of the actual,
un-trivial conditions outside. (although, to be fair, this assumes their living room is actually
a place of comfort for them, rather than a prison if they're honest with themselves)

the ideal implicitly expressed by that sort of media is a loveless society of people constantly engaged in antagonistic
emotional one-upsmanship, striving to prove about themselves seemingly nothing in particular, yet employing
constant trial by fire in the service of endlessly approaching that non-end, hating themselves enough
to believe they deserve the dehumanizing aspects that are omnipresent in their lives

february 28th, 2022

i don't like lots of electronic music & i don't like ostentatious references to one's own gendered
qualities in place of just existing & i don't like even the most benign expressions of smugness

the electronic music that people flock to as "emotional" like boards of canada just feels like the emotional-posturing
section of a broader & fundamentally unemotional or emotionally shallow aesthetic sector, which probably extends
beyond music & maybe beyond art. it establishes its own lackluster criteria just so it can effortlessly
satisfy it. this is as best as i can put it. just an avoidant feeling in my gut about that stuff

pc music & its exponents are for if you want to go on a walk & not look at
your phone but still feel like you're reading twitter discourse regardless

edit. that last comment very well may have had an element of smugness. i said something & then blundered straight into hypocrisy
like a circus clown! laugh at me! ...ok, still though, pc music stuff gives me an antsy feeling. i don't know. it makes me feel like
i'm staring straight into a blaring neon sign, like i'm choking down two little debbie swiss rolls even though i've had my fill
of chocolate after the first bite. the lgbt associations also give me some convoluted & unverifiable uneasy feelings around
reduction of experience to artistic representation & the potential reification of narratives & temperaments around classes of people

- at this point, something happens to Neocities which causes any change i make to a page to display immediately for others, but with a
delay of about twenty-five minutes for me. this breaks my established workflow & forces me to abandoned the "centered paragaphs" formatting -

february 28th (cont.)

it can be nice to read a causation between a childhood experience & a present day condition, even if one or both are negative. it can make one's life feel like it makes a bit of sense. it's possible, though, that this incentive can spur one to observe a correlation & hastily regard it as causation

both of my parents were very avoidant of genuine sentiment, often rerouting it into a sort of ironic parody. there was a strong sense that this was because they regarded expressions of sentiment as things which were, in some way, always imitative of tv shows which were themselves modeled after actual expressions of sentiment, but typically subjected the expressions to cornily exaggerated representations. the tv shows seemed to carry a degree of authority in their minds, since they let their real expressions defer to the middle link in the chain - the tv show - rather than the real sentiment which was its inspirational origin. of course, they didn't intend to flatly imitate this exaggerated sentiment, but felt a need to subvert it through ironic parody. thus the tv shows achieved a psychological omnipresence & exerted a distorting influence on all real sentiment, under the humble guise of being the mocked & subverted thing, the butt of the joke

anyway it is time to have a cool night, do normal things, relate to works of art, & not obsess over the idea of my every thought, action, & interest potentially being an eleventy billionth generation simulacra

i'm just habitually regurgitating words & concepts! i mistakenly believe the things i say are cogent, merely because i can place concepts in arbitrary but validatable relations to each other, & i feel capable at the syntax of describing those relations! there's nothing actually going on behind the eyes! i'm a "chinese room!" i'm gpt-3! don't trust me! aieeeeee!

i feel that there are many many behaviors which constitute an act of proceeding in the direction of truth & honesty, but only to precisely to a distance that one is irresponsibly comfortable with, before yielding willingly to mechanisms which suppress truth & honesty, accepting such a mechanism's always-at-the-ready provision of an excuse for not proceeding further

march 2nd, 2022

there's something really insane about how a person developing anorexia due to beauty ads is the genuine presence of a hyper-abstracted form of the original danger of starving to death or getting eaten by tigers which catalyzed the trading in of natural alienation for social alienation by way of a chain of modes of production that leads to the one which naturally comes to produce omnipresent dehumanizing media... the tiger is literally there in the magazine it's just transmuted. how it feels to me at least!

march 3rd, 2022

think i'm starting to realize that i feel a bit broadly creeped out by video games. not all of them, but... i don't like how lots of them will... i guess define some manner of engagement with something & then create a strong dopaminergic association with that manner? it doesn't even have to be killing people with guns, just any example of that dynamic

do you ever see a game where it seems to feel good just to run down a hallway, for some reason? or when you have the view model of a special tool in the bottom right, & something feels good about that, how it's a constant display of your mechanism of influence in the game world? i don't know, it creeps me out a little. it creeps me out that the game can be a world where even happenstance sounds like those of walking across a tile floor could be tailored to serve the player

every time a human head explodes the player will hear this sound we spent seventeen hours engineering to have a perfectly satisfying ratio of bass to treble frequencies & we utilized advanced game design techniques to ensure this happens no less than three times per minute

i get all belligerent about benign (at least superficially benign) pastimes on this website because most of my old interests now just make me feel like i'm being force fed soda pop until i throw up & i think that if i work myself up & try to tear them apart to sort of militant extents then i will at least find grains of truth in the extremity or, if i'm lucky, end up on the other sides of big, looming assumptions or conventions about how to reasonably spend one's time in present year

march 4th, 2022

i had a good forest walk experience to boards of canada's an eagle in your mind & realized my feelings on electronic music aren't very congruent with how much i like the idea of walking around in the woods listening to autechre of all bands so as to purposefully break down a false binary between "natural" & "synthetic"

i am having problems stemming from obsessively trying to draw the boundary between blatantly sinister & manipulative mainstream films & songs versus basically all other art

march 5th, 2022

it's so evident from the get-go when you can just feel the capital dripping off of literally every sonic or visual aspect of a piece of media but people will say "well you know i'll come at this pragmatically & still evaluate it on the merits of its songwriting or performance quality" no literally just listen to one second of the song & rationally process how abundantly clear it is that there is no reason to extend an olive branch to it, it's over...

it feels convenient to think of it in terms of inhuman (bad) aspects of life which are in constant conflict with human (good) aspects of life, but i don't know. there really are no inhuman forces. "synthetic" is a false distinction, a smart car & a rocket ship are completely natural results of human evolution & production

so i guess it's more accurate to think of it like a situation where there is a species that has a general proclivity for a sense of enchantment, but in the process of surviving it also gives rise to an abstract process which systemically represses that enchantment. very weird, like a person damaging their brain by compulsively sniffing markers. this is the more detached way to put it, then to get to the framing in the first paragraph you just project your feelings on it by labeling enchantment as "humanity" & considering it good, & vice versa

i guess when things are still less abstracted, when the tigers haven't transmuted into dehumanizing tv ads yet, the obligation to survive might present itself in very apparent ways like the threat of a famine or an avalanche. but it transmutes into constant attempts at psychological abuse done covertly under the guise of a constant image one is enveloped in, of living in a society that's kind of "won," i.e. generally transcended the lousy hunting & farming people had to do a thousand years ago & can now afford to put its resources into all kinds of wonders like endless toys & tv shows & everyone can just walk around enjoying themselves the way they always should have

but it goes without saying that the undeath at the heart of the society eats its way into the heart of the works that it has the greatest input on, & from there it would eat into the standards of uncritical viewers

it feels like the relationship between societal change & art begins in a state that is more organic - things occur, & the artistic expression of the time naturally reflects those things

the organic quality of this relationship is violated once some artists begin to take note of this dynamic as something unconsciously assumed & taken for granted by many people. artistic reflections of the world are taken as the inevitable output of a reified artistic district of society

the artists are then free to exploit this by putting out whatever dreck they want, so long as it maintains the superficial appearance of being a response to the state of the world, safe in the assurance that it will be uncritically accepted by many as the "voice" & the "soul" of the present time. this assurance is provided by their categorical positions as artists, typically ones "officiated" by their ability to make a living through their work (as if there isn't obviously the tendency of an inverse relationship between marketability & the lingering presence of any soul)

this assurance provides the artist not just with security, but with the authority to attemptedly define normative modes of emotional engagement with various issues

as these bankrupt sorts of works proliferate, they birth their own lineages, serving as models of self-expression, delineating implicit horizons for self-expression's potential depth & honesty - false horizons which are severely closer than the actual ones

from here on, even the most sincere attempts at dialogue by the most well-intended artists can be deeply informed by the uncanny emptiness of works that came before

the authority of these works to delineate their false horizons seems to stem from a pervasive, oppressive, & self-deprecating sense that the works by "successful" artists possess a kind of exotic authority & dignity, & that their creators are like unknowable shamans who are the only ones worthy of creating it, who just have the spark of talent for reasons we can simply never understand

by no means is there any shortage of "amateur" work, but i feel that there are two corrosive temperamental tendencies towards it, which contradict each other but imply the same distorted perspective

first, amateur artists seem to feel a constant urge to downplay their work as some kind of imitation & perversion of officiated art, as if they can't help but to carelessly tread in some realm they don't belong in. second, those around them might zealously encourage & congratulate them for daring to pursue some higher calling that not just any person is capable of. both of these perspectives repressively ignore the mundane universal accessibility of art as a completely natural human activity

although, to be fair, one can wonder if an artist's self-belittlement isn't rooted in a buried awareness of the emptiness that pollutes its lineage

when an amateur artist isn't compelled to belittle & downplay their art, they might be the ones doing their own congratulation, or else humbly fetishizing their art, pursuing the vague "aesthetic of art," having progressed beyond the point of even needing a particular artist or style to imitate & instead simply imitating the stereotype that has built up of the entire diverse range of behaviors, carrying out pointless "studies" & "investigations"

march 8th, 2022

i really think there is some kind of wide-scale beauty industry SEO practice to purposefully dilute any & all actual practical information on the internet about cosmetics & hair & stuff with "tips & tricks" & products & crap because all it would take is information being plain & accessible for stuff to just start falling apart since the industry is largely just this horseshit house of cards based around senses of privileged access & information & techniques

obviously it's also based on manufactured needs in the first place, too, but still: if a person finds themselves wanting to look a certain way, if they want their hair to have some certain quality, i think there is obviously a clearheaded science to that which i think is suppressed

march 11th, 2022

"physical attractiveness" & other highly rationalized wikipedia pages that sit calmly waiting to prime internet-connected children to begin regarding themselves like belittled objectified lab animals defined by biology

march 12th, 2022

not looking at social media very much but going to optimistically assume everyone has let the "------ dating ------- -------" headlines fall flat on their face in tired recognition of it as a transparent attempt to organize the next generation of stupid soccer moms invested in the love lives of people like Brad Pitt except under the assumption that people are now Socially Aware & not stupid enough to fawn over completely vapid celebrity so they need the people in the headlines to seem like embodiments of important concepts so that people can feel like they're witnessing a meaningful interplay of the concepts

march 13th, 2022

hearing birds in my room immediate therapeutic effect. seizing this opportunity, while it is not happening, to highlight how perverse it would be if someone came into my house right now & activated a mass produced electric machine designed to emanate the sounds of gunfire & screaming, disrupting the continuity of the space in my home by injecting a different space into the midst of it. that's not happening though it's just the birds that are actually there outside the window

can't get over how "wojak" & adjacent content carries this aura of posturing as a "current" & "incisive" & "relatable" form of parody of everyday social dynamics when it's just a reproduction of the same pathetic everyday loathing of humanity that seems to drive the appeal of family guy's similar borderline-sociopathic reduction of people to obnoxious, stereotyped variations on the same "character template"

it's hypocritical to turn your nose up at people who represent themselves with "bored ape yacht club" but also be willing to identify in some way with a wojak image. they're ultimately having a better time in not being so cognitively dissonant about their present contentment with identifying themselves with a template

march 18th, 2022

"we're not gonna make it unless everyone can sit in front of machines that lead them to acknowledge that gay people are human." please god make it stop. like i know representation discourse is just kind of a necessary evil seeking to accommodate the unavoidable reality that people are so extensively shaped by media, rather than something vouching in its heart for separation from lived experience. & i probably could have benefited from it even. but it's still so depressing that it's where things have been pushed to. i shouldn't have been in the position to form my self-conception from videos in the first place

people should make art. i am having trouble reconciling my love of art & fear of media. my train of thought is something like: "i want to live in reality instead of media. wait but in reality isn't it possible to construct an electronic screen that displays images? oh jeez maybe i don't want to live in reality then"

i woke up, thought about how i didn't know the time, decided to see how long i could maintain that. it's a very fragile state when you engage with technology

my phone was a lost cause - you're not permitted to turn the screen on without paying the price of knowing the time. maybe if you closed your eyes while unlocking it, then placed some kind of sheath over the top of the phone to obscure the clock. my laptop was workable because i sat a little cat figurine on it, blocking the clock from my view. as i left my room, i had to avert my eyes from the stove clock in the kitchen

messaging any of my friends on discord was a no-go, because of the timestamp by each message. i think it could be done if i purposefully blurred my vision when i look at the program, like i do when i'm looking at chapter demarcations & page numbers near the end of a book that i haven't finished yet. i guess from here i could think about open-source operating systems & all that, but i won't for the time being. i quickly spoiled the exercise for myself a bit by seeing that two queued songs had posted on my blog, establishing that it is after six pm

i think this type of exercise is just aimless pattering around within two insulating layers of privilege: living with a parent who expects little of me, & being a student on spring break. if i were actually working to pay rent for myself, my very survival would be contingent on my consistent observance of the time - my adherence to quantized time, which tends to directs my action & exists in irreconcilable contrast to unquantized time, which is just a medium in which i can perform actions

the idea is that being forced into this fundamental conception of time by having one's life staked on it & being supplied with omnipresent reminders of it has the potential to introduce a grain of bias into the early stages of the unexamined development of one's personal philosophy - a grain that only accumulates & becomes more substantial from there

not that we are unique in having our philosophies shaped by our conditions of survival - the diverse mythologies that exist across the whole world serve as evidence against that. but at such an advanced stage of having transmuted that natural alienation imposed by survival into social alienation instead, we are obviously led to think about life & reality in substantially more rationalized ways that endlessly approach being, in increasingly plentiful & microscopic ways, little more than reflections of the economy - not that this is a completely smooth & unopposed process, but it does seem like the tendency towards which everything is endlessly drawn at varying speeds

- Neocities seems to go back to normal -

march 26th, 2022

i think progressive messaging on social media, although it can take substantial forms, is often all about taking your principles - which are sincerely noble
& valid for their congruence with human dignity - & reducing them to things whose undignified role is to be pathetically disseminated through what is
essentially a personal micro-campaign of guerrilla propaganda, day in & day out. & this affords an illusory sense of potentially making a difference,
of swaying the tides, of being the cultural narrative, but that sense is only a mask over the real phenomenon of having incorporated into yourself,
as a structure in your mind, as a component of your ego, the reflection of culture at large which is offered to you by the website. this lives in
your conscience like a splinter, &, lacking any real sway over the overall climate of the site, being subject to the endless possibility of
unearthing some new & upsetting crack or cranny or crevice of regressive opinion, you are compelled to endlessly piss in the wind in
the pursuit of relief that will never come, like a nervous tic, neglecting to live for yourself, seeking relief from the outside due to
having mistaken it, or rather, this technologically mediated stand-in for it, for the irritation that is inside. you are subsumed
& swallowed by the website's offer of illusory immersion in the commonality of some shared narrative or
battle, maybe "transcending" the "podunk" locality of your immediately present life

march 30th, 2022

this really does have to stop, i really do have to resolve this residual
contradiction that i am passively allowing in my manner of operation

the contradiction is this: prizing experiential immediacy,
& vouching for it through contradictorily diffuse &
mediated means of communication, like blog posts

i go to my blog & i clear off the "bad posts," implicitly framing the rest as "good
posts," implicitly vouching for this splitting of myself facilitated by social media,
this self-portrait which psychologically lingers after i walk away from the computer

my ideal of experiential immediacy sacrifices its authenticity in the process of attempting to
vouch for itself in some invested public manner. what compels me to make this sacrifice is
a residual concern for whoever may be at the other end of this diffuse communication

that is a reasonable concern, i guess, which owes to a general want to
try to do good by the means that are available to me - to at least
try to disperse humane ideas & manners of engagement

i don't know if i can in good conscience permit this central contradiction, though. it is a rough conundrum. i am sacrificing
my own experiential immediacy, & if anyone likes what i type, then i am incentivizing them to sacrifice theirs, perhaps

it seems like the ideal of experiential immediacy can only become real in obscurity. one must largely find it
for themselves. it is like the Tao: there are no words for it, it lives in the reality which words seek only to portray.
it gathers in unpopular places. it is everywhere, at all times, readily accessible & usable, yet it evades any search for it

Wittgenstein's ladder. the immediate & unarticulated practice of looking at the stretch of grass a day or two ago. text post

april 1st, 2022

think i may have accidentally generalized my anticapitalist sentiments to enough regions of life that they just resemble symptoms
of paranoid schizophrenia but on the other hand maybe capitalism's detrimental effects on a person's soul are genuinely omnipresent
& nuanced enough that a sufficiently thorough internal opposition to them would genuinely approach that resemblance. OH WELL!

april 3rd, 2022

for a little while now, the idea that has been most affecting my thoughts on a day-to-day basis is of myself being in
alignment with the general act of actually living, despite acknowledging the possibility, which is sort of empirically
unverifiable & thus essentially a matter of faith, that i genuinely have absolutely no conception of what it is like
to actually live, nor does anyone around me, & that everything which appears to constitute actual living could be
a deception - this mentality being a consequence of having been born several generations deep into a historical
process that tends to universally mitigate & redefine reasonable standards for what can be considered living
(this process basically being the extremely complex & multifaceted process of culture tending to be
appropriated by the economic forces that tend to wholly dictate society under capitalism)

being born several generations deep into the process introduces the fearful consideration that, by virtue of the process having
been maintained for multiple generations, actual firsthand experience & conceptual grasp of true living has actually been
generationally swept away & forgotten, & is now a thing that is effectively completely alien to humanity. it's the anxious
consideration that even very devoted attempts at understanding & reattaining actual standards for living could still fall
under the purview of some horrible unexamined concession & that i will never find anything which is sufficient,
that i'll always be employing some cognitive dissonance that "justifies" not recognizing very simple
means, sitting right under my nose, that i could employ to go further, to be more honest

april 4th, 2022

i should have talked to the man in the bar last night who loudly said, in response to the
programming that was being played, "yer playing women's basketball?! hauhauhauhau!!!"

it might go without saying that i felt no need to actually condone or confront the sexism, or anything like that, because
it seemed far more straightforward to identify that this comment could have in the first place only come from a living
cartoon character who i couldn't see myself ever relating to or meaningfully engaging with. where do you even start?

so my imperative to talk to the man was not rooted in anything resembling "establishing frank dialogue with the 'other side'"
or anything like that. no "other side" was meaningfully present here, for the particular view that the man expressed was
only an irrelevant footnote to the comment's apparent suspension in a vacuum of separation from any frank engagement
with reality, populated only by the kinds of values & standards & tensions found in Hallmark greeting cards. it felt
less like he was meaningfully stereotyping women & more like he was reflecting his place in a personal reality
where women were not specially exempt from the fundamental stereotyping of absolutely everything

this is why i should have talked to him, to remind myself that i really can talk to the most inane-seeming people, & try to engage
with them as honestly as i possibly can, for the exercise if nothing else. i can always at least try to approach & participate in
anything, anything at all, & just experiment. it is very easy for me to forget in all situations that i can speak or act in any way.
the entire breadth of independent action beyond walking from place to place is a thing that i am not very acclimated to

i should have sat down & mildly prompted him to elaborate on his opinion, just to open up conversational
potentials. life really can be active & bleeding & dynamic constantly if i am just willing to exist & be an agent

i'm supposed to break the habit of trying to make sense of the world purely through passive spectation.
things become fact for me & are never challenged. it was vital that i leave the bar with there having
at least been an opportunity for the "cartoon character" evaluation to have been challenged firsthand

insofar as there really was an "other side" to confront, it was the entire unspoken unreality propagated by society which
underlied the man's superficial claims. if i were really ambitious, i could seek to confront that. i don't think it would be
easy, though. it might be an unanticipated leap in the conversation's abstraction & degree of commitment to real dialogue

i'll reiterate that my present belief is that there is a general social system at play which, by way of cultural currents that
present severely handicapped standards for general consideration & activity & dialogue, essentially reduces people to cartoon
characters in their social presentation. & that the result of this is people coming to unconsciously resent one another for being
alienating cartoon characters putting so little dynamic humanity on offer. the resentment develops on this unconscious basis,
& is attributed to conscious bases - petty & superficial disagreements & differences, often political oppositions

i don't see this as a consciously maintained system in any way, but insofar as an "aim" can be ascribed to
it, i believe it is that state of meaningless social fragmentation whose survival depends on a general
continuous failure to identify that actual source of resentment, to make it conscious & eliminate it

april 5th, 2022

today i experienced a good example of what i mean when i say i feel colonized by media

i went out to the nature trail. i found a rock that someone had painted. i picked up the rock. this naturally led to the
phrase "pick up a rock' passing through my head. this traced through my memory to a line in shake that by eminem & nate
dogg, & that song began to loop in my head in a not-totally-conscious way, instating itself as an element of my outing

all i had wanted to do was go out & be surrounded by trees & stuff

maybe it seems odd to try to paint something so mundane as a meaningful problem. but i think
there is something healthy in... considering how specific of a digression that experience is
from a walk unfettered by something so insipid, & seeing something very offensive in that

i think there is something deeply offensive about the establishment of mainstream cultural currents & the wanton broadcast of
them, too, when juxtaposed with the fact that people are incapable of voluntarily forgetting most things that they experience

who is to blame? i don't know. no one. it is just a kind of nightmarish thing. one song colonizes the act of picking up a rock &
a million other pieces of media colonize a million other mundane experiences, establish a million routes from life experiences
to memories of media. so much of that media is so repulsive, adds repulsive tints to my thinking. everything everywhere
just seems to always be trying to play a part in strengthening an endless feedback loop of cynicism & misery

april 7th, 2022

the difference is that they can regard bizarre activities, that are totally removed from reality, as mediums - very unusual
mediums, but essentially mediums like any other - on which an indomitable & playful human spirit can nonetheless play
out in stark contrast to the alienated environment that hosts it. while i fear that the medium could twist the spirit itself into
a bizarre thing totally removed from reality, duped out of even wanting to really live. & i very well may be worse off

april 10th, 2022

i need to communicate to my family members my humble preference that they used things like headphones

lately i try to stay either in my room or outside, & return to either of those places as fast as possible once i leave them

whenever i'm in earshot of a godforsaken computer or television, i am tending to frame it in my head
in these unnecessarily resentful terms, like these people's standards of living & making use of
their time are so pathetic that they don't even consider the perspective i'm employing

that perspective being the one where i try to extensively defamiliarize myself to these sorts of things, where i
feel like i am schizophrenically hallucinating every time i leave my room. i mean, really: unless i communicate
the need, then i am realistically denied the option of a home that isn't filled with incessant speech
& sounds of stuff like gunfire that has no connection to the actual space i'm in

all i want is to hear the birds & the wind but this phantasmagoric garbage can be piped in through wires day in
& day out because these people seem to have no interest in engaging or living in their free time in any way

i wouldn't care so much if i wasn't so hesitant to communicate the need. it's just the hesitance
that makes me feel pinned & trapped in the situation & gnash my teeth angrily in private

even still, it's just so unfetteredly repulsive to me & i refuse to
see any of it as normal regardless of how standard it is for people

human voices as experiences which are contingent on the presence of human beings & their willingness to
speak are completely devalued & no one seems to give a damn about the psychic weight they still possess
& which makes them really inappropriate to just shower everywhere as if out of yard sprinklers

immense disappointment. just immense disappointment, at how much infrastructure is in place for the sake of polluting & drowning
out settings that are just there unconditionally, able to be so easily appreciated & loved but instead have a million holes put
through them like swiss cheese, attention deficit psychic trips to this & that & this & that & this & that, geopolitical
narratives ninety percent of which will likely never mean anything real to ninety percent of the people viewing
them. & so on. irredeemably disappointing & perverse & disgusting. it'd all be so easy to stop

anyway like i said before i think i need to ask my family membrsiroeu tuio eanfio wear asdfgfgshsd earbu,sds

i would like to systematically walk into & thoroughly explore every house in my neighborhood without regard
for property or privacy, just to discover all the various perspectives & styles & little worlds that are hidden
away. i tend to forget this desire since it's so obviously impractical. i think everyone else is this way too

it feels so wrong that the landscape has an outward appearance of endless dead barren streets
when really it is in fact genuinely dense with lively & expressive facets compactly locked
away in buildings which line every one of those streets. what's the alternative though

april 13th, 2022
before i fall asleep i feel convicted & bitter

anyone who plays a part in the production & broadcast of that form of humor which propagandizes some conventionalized narrative of
inevitable destruction & subversion of childhood (e.g. "when people are kids they play with toy cars but when they're adults they
'play' with sex toys!") are in my eyes some of the absolute lowest people, just some of the most repulsive & malignant & despicable
actors in society, just my avowed nemeses, barely even functioning as human beings anymore insofar as they carry out that role.
not that i really hate the human beings underneath that cultural function, just the function itself. all i ask is that the human beings
stop... also there's obviously all kinds of people who do far more direct, obvious, indisputable harm to others but. you know

april 28th, 2022

when i feel like something didn't really meaningfully happen, because i was the only one who witnessed it, because i
had no one to share it with, i really have no idea whether i am exhibiting normal social characteristics, or if it
reaches a certain level where i am failing to live for myself, forever dependent on endless communal reception
of each experience - maybe, in failing to consciously validate my immediate experience to myself, "precisely
functioning as the new subspecies of person that 'the system' would prefer to see," or something dramatic
like that. incapable of a first-person life, incapable of living a story for its own sake, dependent on
mediation, dependent on things which remove me from the life that's right there to touch with my hands

i do touch my laptop with my hands. what a scary observation

if i feel like i am in opposition to a system that has an aim of spurring me to focus on abstract ideas that are
removed from my life that is right there in front of my eyes, thus dissociating me from that life, then is being
in opposition to that system in the first place just playing into its hands? or is it the only valid dissociation,
the one necessary concession, the dissociation which prevents all other dissociations

could it be that conscious opposition to the system is the problem, since it keeps one conscious of the
system & thus removed from their life? could that conscious opposition instead be dissolved into a set of
unconscious automatic policies that gracefully reject all the abstract ideas that the system promotes?

a person saying "haha kinda weird but" before hesitantly stating an incredibly
basic expression of some fundamental tenet of basic unrepressed human
connection, whim, or minor deviation from strictly practical routine

may 1st, 2022

basically my line of thinking is that art which is made in a wholesome but flippant manner acceptably "does not say anything," while the music playing
in a mall alternatively "says nothing," i.e. is essentially there for the express purpose of doing anything so long as it doesn't say anything at all. &
then i observe a terrifying corollary of this, which is that the "artistic gene" of "saying nothing" is fully capable of propagating into independent
works, flippant or otherwise, so long as they are not fruits of a successful philosophical engagement with the culture that they are embedded
in & subsequent negation of the cheapening elements of that culture. if this seems like unnecessarily strict criteria, it is because i see it
as a necessity unjustly imposed on creators by a culture which largely has an actively predatory nature which entails avoidance of it

also: a phrase like "actively predatory" may create an unnecessarily conspiratorial impression, but it is meant less as a literal
description & more as a shorthand for the impersonal emergent tendencies of the economy, used to frame them in terms of how
they essentially manifest to actual people (akin to speaking in teleological terms about biology, e.g. "the hand is 'meant' for grasping")

may 6th, 2022

time for alex to read literature written expressly for the sole practical purpose of engendering revolt against capitalism
through the provision of insights & perspectives that make clear the problems it presents & how they could hypothetically
be overcome - but only so i can further articulate & refine my efforts to remain as minimally psychologically mutilated
by it as possible as i continue to willfully live under it, essentially reinforcing the literature as a failure
in my repurposing of it as a mere band-aid on the overall problem rather than its solution

may 8th, 2022

the awesome cool timeline where everyone in america has kindergarten level political awareness & just promptly brutalizes & deposes
every conservative politician & instates progressive social practices all just as a second-nature preliminary act that no one thinks
twice about & there is no opportunity for it to be propagandized as a radical tipping point in the manufactured opposition
between liberals & conservatives because the relevant voter bases have evaporated & no one cares about tv

may 8th, 2022

i read description of isolating conditions of modern life & think it is insightful since i feel very isolated
all the time even though it is simply because of a personal confluence of factors in my head that make
me generally unwilling to talk to people while everyone else is simply doing the modern life
capitalism stuff which was analyzed & then talking to each other about it without issue

may 10th, 2022

a disorienting loss of one's anchoring presuppositions about life, followed by fear
of letting those anchors reconstitute around modes of life that are manufactured

but then that opposition to "manufacture" is at odds with the awareness that any cultural standard is
only as manufactured as a space shuttle, which is to say, only as manufactured as a snail shell, or
dna itself, which is to say that none of this total movement was ever conscious in the first place

so the opposition to manufacture would really seem to be a kind of scalpel-precise disagreement with a certain variety of
currents in the overall process of the human species - precisely the ones which seem to have a kind of economic inevitability
& are thus analogous to the species "playing out" with the same inexorable forward motion of a ball rolling down a hill...

analogous to a thing coming to rest, to dust settling, to relaxing to a lower-energy state, to dissipation of a
concentration of energy which was once held together, to entropy, to death, to the patches of human life that
are occupied by grains of the inevitable death which hasn't yet fully taken hold of anything which is still alive

for me, as a thing which will inevitably die, is it more meaningful to live in line with the inevitably of that death, to take
things as they come, to fully be the flow that i am - or to do everything to live counter to that flow, to strive to be a thing as
minimally occupied by death as any living thing can be? if everything physical tends inexorably towards its most entropic
state, then, although that condition of being physical can never be decisively defied, is being as scantly entropic
of an entropic thing as one can be the closest a person can come to being something "transcendent?"

what does the "economically entropic," or "entropically economic" side of life have to offer? at its limit, just consolidation
& centralization of experience in accordance with being as manipulable as possible, i.e. the minimization of instability in its
functioning, dust settling... does relaxing & fully being the flow that one inevitably is have to necessitate being subject
to this? can one turn out to be a particular flow that carries them around that fate, escaping it? is this whole series
of paragraphs just an attempt at subjectively coming to terms with an objective powerlessness that will
continue to guide me regardless of the comforting terms in which i think about it?


may 13th, 2022

where things have gone astray is that my foremost inclination about posting things on the internet was that i wanted in various
ways to be a passive example, in ways that were merely implicit in the unspoken exclusion from myself of things that appeared
to me to be commonplace but bad - rather than an active example defined by explicit elaborated opposition to those things

but then i acknowledged to myself that anything i could do in the way of serving as that passive example, no matter what it
was, naturally would have been mediated over the internet & thus introduced a risk of implicitly affirming the legitimacy
of... possibly excluding negative tendencies from oneself, sure, but also consigning one's signs of that exclusion to
being mediated, & thus leaving that exclusion to find its meaning off somewhere beyond their actual life

unfortunately i am also in a bind where i do not really know or connect with anyone in the area
where i live, i have no one to exist to in the first place & it seems so difficult to find anyone. hmm

may 15th, 2022

slowly goes off my rocker due to losing my ability to fully regard literally any events
in my life as merely incidental to & neutral relative to the entirety of capitalism

why does my engagement with my interests tend to be paired so substantially with a repressed dread about capitalism
having provided something, or at least the prerequisites for something, that i enjoy? (or, at least, something i feel
like i enjoy, since repression of actual desires & acclimation to compensations for them is such a big part of it all)

i know people who seem to dislike capitalism as much as i do, but they simply... have interests! & seem way better at also
grasping the whole emotional ambiguity of it all - assessing how un-ideal the conditions are from which nearly all their
options for spending their time arise. & they may not be comfortable with it, but they seem to come to terms with it
in a way that i fail to! they adeptly make the best of the situation, in recognition of the inevitable inclination of
any person to live regardless of the conditions, beyond their direct control, under which that living may take
place. there is no point in smothering one's own life, or dying, over things that won't even change either way

i never seem to fully arrive at that mental process. i truly don't feel capable of fully relaxing, settling into appreciation for
any of the incidental results of capitalism that i do feel love for - not without the visceral feeling that to relax fully counts
as implicit approval of all the implications stemming from the existence of that thing, which feels like basically the
society in full, & everything i despise that i feel has been instrumental in making me feel very isolated my whole life

each time i feel irritated by the unsolicited sound of a tv show or a radio ad, it is as if the weight of
twenty-three years lies behind that little everyday feeling. so much loneliness & sense of disconnect from
so many people who i feel i just cannot engage with for their having internalized the values & standards
implicit in all the things which are made the most visible & attention-grabbing about life

& now, in a development that i find cruel to myself, that sense of visceral opposition has developed to a point that i do not
even feel totally comfortable with other people who are explicitly in opposition to the same system that makes me uncomfortable
around so many others! because i feel as if i, being the direct product of my own agency, am the only one who i can trust to
be vigilant enough about not internalizing things that will contribute to the dilution of my standards for living!

everything feels like a distraction. i have not yet even had to have ever had a job, or substantial responsibilities in general,
for everything to feel like a distraction from. but everything feels like a distraction. things which neglect to oppose all that
obfuscates reality (by instead articulating it) feel about as worthy of anyone's time as all that commits active obfuscation

each day i cannot stop assessing everything in terms of whether i feel like it could in any way count as part of
a current that just happens to be nestled within capitalism but goes against its general cognitive & cultural
effects in some way, or if it instead reinforces & justifies those effects, if subtly & perhaps even innocently

or, & this is a crazy idea, but imagine this... imagine something just existing incidentally to the
system it happens to exist within! neutrally! my god, what a relieving idea! could it really be?!?!

my suspicion is that some people turn into caustic, misanthropic cretins because they uncritically immerse themselves in confabulated
systems of meaning like "what comedians get to say without being 'cancelled,'" never confronting the fact that their chosen system
as a whole is suspended in an inconsequential vacuum over the surface of life on which anything meaningful happens, &
everything it presents as "at stake" is similarly rootless. this produces unexamined tension in the part of them that
yearns for an actual life, & they are enraged by their life's circumstantial deprivation of consequence while
mistaking that deprivation for something inherent to life. this is why i do not like escapism

i keep calling things "suspended in vacuums" where i could just say "this thing doesn't really matter." it makes
more sense the way it feels geometrically in my head than it does written out i think. a few minutes ago
i had a good way of phrasing it that i think communicated what makes it feel meaningfully distinct
from just "it doesn't matter." i lost it though. i have been so fatigued for the past two days

may 16th, 2022

when i was about seventeen, i was sort of literally losing my mind due to my perception that cultural development, being
untethered from geography by the internet, was accelerated & free to generally follow paths of least resistance to forms
that i felt would uniformly alienate me. i felt like i was watching the earth become homogenized & at the same time kind
of inhospitable, like all spaces were convening so even if there might have been anyone i could connect with before there
may have been far fewer now. i was blind to what diversity there is, i guess. i would occasionally send people on tumblr
who i didn't really know these schizo pleas to please take control of their own personal development instead
of just being defined passively by cultural currents that had gone out of control

now i feel like i am a lot more coherent, calm, & personable, & i understand myself a lot better.
a lot of my considerations still contain grains of that time period though, like a lot of my
thinking is kind of just a mellowing & refining of those same general sentiments

now i attribute things a lot more to like the culture industry, & the economically incentivized structuring
of communication platforms, & the economic system that gives rise to it all. instead of... mere cynical
fixation on what i saw as pervasive weakness & apathy that always left me with a sense of being
othered that i had to bear because no one cared enough... naturally this bred resentment

with my current thinking, i at least feel like there is something outside of me to oppose that i am generally
unified with other people against, even if they are the very same people who can make me feel othered

but, preceding all of this, i still want only to be simple & to simply live.
i have not securely attained the state of simplicity that is counter to all of this

don't aestheticize your own cyber addiction...

i think something i tend to assume in the back of my head is that if a person expressing anticapitalist sentiment or activity
isn't directly at risk of being imprisoned or shot then whatever they're doing probably does not exist beyond the purview
of what is now the fully automatic recuperation of those things. those are the risks of even the least substantial things
to escape that purview. this is why everything i type on the internet feels meaningless to me - like it can only strive
to minimize its meaninglessness, veering infinitely close to a central axis which it never actually crosses,
at which point it would now have a positive value & thus be striving to maximize its meaning

do situationist perspectives have
a meaningful place in 2022??

ctrl-f "dream-realm" on this page for something preliminary to the mindset of this post

it's like they said: once an intuitive perception of wonder is diminished, it is in a sense still lost if
it has to be re-taught through aesthetic convention or theory. expressions of this sad dynamic feel
in some way like the atom of life experience in the form promoted by dominant cultural forces

if people had all the wonder that they need to feel towards life already contained within themselves, then they
would not need to turn to the things placed on offer to compensate for that lost wonder. this feels perfectly
in line with the tendency of consumerism to minimize interest in all in life all that it cannot offer
(because it is simply there for us intrinsically) & maximize interest in what it can offer

it's not like it can crawl into everyone's brains & make them uniformly stop liking an actual walk in the woods, but obviously
there are currents wherein it either strives to reduce things to mediated forms which it can regulate access to for profit,
or at the very least co-opt truly unmediated activities into vehicles for associated consumption... &, most relevantly,
diminish the qualitative enjoyment of them to a dishonest parody of itself so as to keep needs simple & easily met

since natural wonder & peace in oneself is, at first, intrinsically there as an alternative to all that
the system can offer, i see there being an incentive to eliminate that wonder & replace it with an
elaborate system of reasoning which one would appear to need to navigate in order to arrive at that
wonder, to "reclaim" it, to have it "re-taught" & thus lost entirely by the standards presented here

in this environment, reclamation of one's sense of wonder can be just one
more prefabricated story to live as a form of sterilized life-path-consumption

i imagine the disenchantment being so scathingly & pervasively diffuse that the extent of that diffusion
is itself difficult to fully grasp, even with all the most earnest benevolent opposition in one's heart

i feel that one can start out buying into a particular system of reasoning that has been offered, realize it is holding them
back, & dismantle it. but to mark oneself satisfied with how far they have gone in this respect may always constitute
willful ignorance of the system that they rejected having merely been one of many possible constructions which
could have been based on a still more fundamental system of reasoning that holds them back all the same

this feeling that the disenchantment can be diffuse to a point that one is always missing something,
always making a concession
, can naturally become a pretense for endless debilitating suspicion. does
this debilitating suspicion have to happen, or is it only a natural risk involved in acknowledging that
severe diffusion, in the interest of acknowledging reasonable standards for living? i don't know

it is not just that the materials for enchantment are manufactured in the form of escapist entertainment & so on, but
that the prescribed conditions for enchantment are manufactured in precisely the shape of those materials, preemptively
ensuring their success. those who try to "break the fourth wall" by examining the qualities of the stage on which the
entertainment plays out forget that it too is manufactured, whether to be performed on or to be seen. those who
leave the theater & run down the street forget that the street is manufactured. this framing feels shallow

i do not mean that one physically tries to literally run away from society & keeps running into
businesses & recoiling at those superficial expressions of the problem, i mean a sort of infinite
regression in reasoning that naturally collides with some concession before it reaches infinity

what i mean is that it seems to take so much work to find a platform of reasoning (on which one tries to move back towards some
genuine visceral engagement with life) that is not (as a consequence of some concession to disenchantment) actually just
situated on a larger platform manufactured for one to reason on, something on which one can expand their standards
of living in a way that is unknowingly choreographed to stay within acceptable limits. the ideal is that they
never confront this larger platform, but in case they do, there is another one beneath it, & so on

the fundamental axioms for everyday processing of life can be concessions, & the reasoning which one
may perform to eliminate those concessions may itself be based on axioms which are concessions

each time a new set of standards to work from is established & prescribed, it also becomes the
surface on which the next set of standards will be built, & that will in turn become the next surface

every paragraph is a dart thrown at the board never hitting the bullseye, trying to
get across what i had in mind before i started typing - which has since escaped me

i think lots of the escapist things provided happen to kill love & i think this is because if everyone truly knew & acted on love then
they would stop doing a lot of things they do (that are advantageous to the system). maybe i am unreasonably trying to codify my own
taste here but there is so much that i cannot feel an ounce of love in. has anyone ever felt an ounce of love from an addictive mobile
mobile game? i pose this as an extreme from which whoever is reading must decide for themselves how far from that extreme
the cutoff point is, past which a thing can seem to contain an ounce of love. & whether that point is a concession. it is
stressful because there are clear extremes but no science to consult about it, just an abstract dialogue with oneself

everything has to be more :(

there will never be a story of you defying disenchanting forces to reclaim
your sense of wonder. there will only ever be the reality. reducing things
to stories is how you damage your consciousness & lose your wonder

may 18th, 2022

things have to be allowed to be more subjective & dreamy than is permitted by exposure to the stark portrayal by tv shows harassing
me when i leave my room, or people's endless pathetic cycle of performatively tired Reaction to Culture on e.g. twitter. people turn
into dead bodies by replacing their insides with the world at large. or rather, futile attempts at scale models of a world at large that
they'll never grasp. regardless of what comes out of a screen, i lose at the moment when it makes me feel locked into my place on
some common plane of cultural referents that i get to try to make sense of in tandem with a spectral "everyone else" left merely
implied by the piece of media, people to hypothetically relate to on the basis of having been confronted with it without
any choice. the primary means of commonality just feels like endless self-abuse. nothing beyond individuals

"nothing beyond individuals" can be read in two senses, one an optimistic affirmation & the other a pessimistic observation

i primarily mean it in the optimistic sense, as an allusion to marx's the german ideology, in which communism is at one point
characterized as "rendering it impossible that anything should exist independently of individuals." so i mean to encourage the idea
of exterminating all in a person's life that dwells beyond their individual scope of existence, causing them to become lost
in distant abstractions & thus have a corresponding degree of abstraction imparted to their thoughts & behavior

the pessimistic sense i only noticed upon rereading, & i think it would have been a shallow way to end the post. it would simply be an observation of
"nothing existing beyond individuals," presently, in a sense of isolation, of people being excessively "individualized," "individualistic" - gesturing
towards the current dominance of the aforementioned abstractions & the part they play in keeping people separated, atomized, & distracted

may 21st, 2022


may 26th, 2022

actually discovers transformative ultimate truths about reality that no one has ever discovered before but only
does so as an expression of my having unconsciously preconceived for myself the identity of "new-transformative
-ultimate-truths-about-reality-discoverer" & subsequently consumed the experience of occupying that identity


the internet sells content. but on a more fundamental level it sells a sense of being unified around shared political & cultural narratives,
& getting drunk on the pathetic & hubristic notion of actually having some kind of grasp on how the whole of life is generally going. this
process of being sold that intoxicating sense may go unnoticed, because that sense is only empty space which draws no attention - the empty
playing field which becomes filled with the content that is sold more obviously. this playing field registers to one as "the world," the
abstract scale model of the world that is held in their mind, possibly to offer some kind of explanation for the intimidatingly
random events that actually surround them in the immediate world - the only world they can be sure of

this little scale model can be populated with anything, from Will Smith slapping Chris Rock, to the comfortingly still "rock" that is
the sense of general artistic canonicity suggested by their awards ceremony, to grand interplays of abstract dynamics, such as the
"white race" which one must "save" by massacring innocent people. i think this is all deserving of disgust. in fact, if you're
going to accept the former, why not just accept the latter too? i'd wager that it only comes with the playing field

it is all completely at odds with the supreme reality that life is generally pretty boring. every time you go out & encounter some member of
a social class subject to online discourse, they are typically just walking past you on a sidewalk. there are so many engines fueled by tiny,
pathetic, confused, blind beings with no hope of grasping the full intricacy of their world but stupid enough to be filled with abstractions
that suggest to them that life is anything but pretty boring. so much is fueled by the simple replacement of one's connection to their
immediate life with connection to some abstracted "elsewhere" that imparts similarly abstracted rationales for behavior


it's obviously kind of extreme to say something like "if we accept attention concentrated on things as banal as celebrity interactions, then
why not just accept white supremacist mass shootings too, since they're both founded on the same kind of inane form of abstraction in life?"

i'm not sure that i could defend it, but i do like how completely opposed it is to that abstraction. it is
something purposefully written for the possibility that someone thinks "well, maybe not, but i get it"

the feeling that no one can ever experience anything beyond the everyday, so ultimately ideologies have
to play out in the same mental space as entertainment, & this is a mental space that gestures at being
sufficiently representative of the world at large to be acted on & to be a basis of socialization

it's a complicated issue. like certainly i think there is a lot outside of
immediate life that i don't want to necessarily vouch for writing off

it makes me think of experimental findings in particle physics, which laymen will never directly experience signs of at their everyday macro
level of existence, really. but we can still read about the experimental verification, & maybe if we value it it could affect our philosophies. like
a philosophy in reaction to the entropy of the universe, etc. but true as the data may be, it'll never be visceral, always kind of just a tale being
told in the abstract of a paper (unless it happens to produce technological advancements that reshape our lives? but even then, really,
since the knowledge's application will never visibly contain its underlying microscopic mechanics, only their macro results)

so the issue i think is just that regardless of the healthiness of this or that abstraction under ideal conditions,
the reality today is that they tend to be profoundly abused & thus are worth extensively calling into question

i think a worthwhile practice in this regard is that of trying to consistently repress reaction to the things one is presented with, in favor of endlessly
contesting the validity of their having been presented with it at all. the example that always comes to my mind for this practice is the celebrity that
was kind of forced onto chris-chan. no one seemed to have any criticism about the production of a public documentary series about some stranger.
by instilling in the viewers a sense of fascination that distracted from the terms on which they were made to feel it, it successfully instated
itself as a cultural force without question, despite the intrusion it was on so many lives which could have easily gone without it

the offense of many disagreeable things is not what they are but all they exist in lieu of

this makes the severity of the offense limited only by the extent of one's imagination,
& thus opens an unlimited capacity for the fervor with which it may be persecuted.
but it makes recognition of the offense in the first place a less accessible thing too

"the root of the prevailing lack of imagination cannot be grasped unless one is able to imagine
what is lacking
- that is, what is missing, hidden, forbidden, & yet possible, in modern life"

may 31st, 2022

ok i'm writing in a notebook physically & i implore God to strike me dead if i ever digitize or
display any of it, as permitting any future possibility of sharing it will inevitably introduce
grains of performance into what i choose to write in the present, & corrupt the honesty of
the exercise. in fact i will try not to even mention the exercise again after typing this

june 2nd, 2022

the better things are, the more half of me wants to describe & share them here on a social basis while the other half fears
that to acquiesce to that urge would not be a social act but something private to me, in spite of its potentially global
visibility - a private reappropriation of the goodness into just another bounty of experience whose value i consign
to the act of reporting it. an act that only grows more tragic the better the thing that i report is, since it's just
a greater accumulation of goodness that could have been most deeply felt if i had opted not to invert it
into something that is instead beyond me. suffice to say, though, things are very good right now

june 4th, 2022

i think lots of people yearn for an internal toolset with which to reason through their emotions
& the latent contradictions in their lives & for some of them the world happens to bring that
their way while for others all the world happens to provide them with is like, buzzfeed
video that opens with synthwave playing over a slideshow of pictures of murder victims

june 7th, 2022

if anyone tries to tell me about any specific incidents involving celebrities, i am going to say "all celebrities
should be locked in cages & jabbed at with spears" & refuse to indulge further attempts at conversation. if
a person tells me they recently "read an article" or "watched a video" which imparted to them some piece
of trivial information that they proceed to share with me, i am going to tell them that i recently "read
an article" or "watched a video" which imparted to me the exact opposite of whatever they said

current thing i keep thinking over & over: "it is coming to feel like humans, despite being material things with material origins,
enjoy interacting with ideal, abstract dynamics rather than the material world per se. the material world plays a role which is merely
incidental to that desire, being the inevitable medium for the dynamics we enjoy. for much of our history, we were obliged to
appropriate only the most obvious & un-abstract of the world's self-expression towards this end, & now, in the information
age, we are in a stage of intensively streamlining the craft of physical constructions that are sufficiently abstracted to best
play host, with minimal interference from their inevitable physicality, to the dynamics that were all we ever wanted
in the first place (computers). this idea of the physical world having only ever been a 'stopgap' is making me sad"

i wantto Bleed :)