aka: "a better angle on my nature" :)

pt. 2: 2023

january 2nd, 2023

i like neil young

i love liquidity

january 3rd, 2023

i liked when i showed my friend one of those side-by-side tik toks & they were willing to point out that they thought it was
a little mean to the guy on the right, that he didn't know that his video was kind of gibberish. it's good to slash through
little cognitive dissonances even if they're not so important, like, where it's not in a moralistic way but just making sure
to keep an eye on kindness. i told them this days or weeks later, even though it was oddly difficult to, but i did

the video is still funny to me just cause of the way it can be read as the guy on the left kind of, like,
spontaneously having his brain taken over, or some kind of insane coincidence that he doesn't even
react to as he records. like it's not just making fun of the other guy but a... diegetic occurrence

i drunkenly cuddle my dachshund...

imagine being a dachshund & never getting to murder a badger

my involuntary response to recalling an embarrassing memory has mellowed out from pantomiming stabbing
myself in the neck & making squelching sound effects with my mouth to saying "blah" once & that's it

[link] deranged audio file that i happened to be listening to on what was randomly for no particular reason
one of the most peaceful bright golden sunlight-feeling mornings in my bedroom that i can remember

[link] i have like a crush on this vocal timbre

january 5th, 2023

drunk listening to the 1977 record titled Charlie the Hamster Sings the Ten Commandments

figuring out from cross-referencing the tracklist against the table of various versions of the Ten Commandments on
wikipedia (& the back cover saying "Old Testament" instead of "Torah") that Charlie the Hamster is probably Presbyterian

person grinning evilly for no reason after saying something like "i'll save my burger for tomorrow"

(drunk)

my dad is kinda cool cuz he's like sixty but AS leftist as you can be without passing certain cognitive boundaries that prevent
being more left i think. like he comes home & binge watches seth meyers & john oliver every day but also i don't think the
explicit initiative about homelessness that's been assembled by my random city would exist if not for his activities

january 6th, 2023

it's been the plan in my head since december twenty-first that, instead of the usual procedure of
simply getting in the car, i open the driver side door of the car & gesture to stand up & i hug

a third amount of vodka would seem to be the amount where i eat chocolate treats without having the
thoughts of "now that this is on my teeth it is disintegrating them in a realtime." just reporting this as trivia

someday i would hope to write here something to the effect of, "today was so good that i genuinely would not be able to tolerate
reducing it to some verbal after-image of itself & then burdening myself with its submission for other people's processing"

january 7th, 2023

i just wanna show my friend the toy skeleton haunted & possessed this is demonic crazy video

january 9th, 2023

i went outside & saw that the mailman was there & had done his rounds, so i checked my mailbox. there was
nothing there. while he was still getting in his truck & i was heading back to my door, a second mail truck
careened into the parking lot, pulled up right next to me, & this new mailman handed me a small box
through the window then drove away. the small box contains the coat button that i lost in Iowa

january 10th, 2023

looking at the school i went to for kindergarten on google street view & it
exists on there exclusively in the year 2007 completely silhouetted by the sun

tonight felt like the most actually romantic night i've ever had... it involved drawing this picture
of my dog & then accidentally scaring her with my small plush bear that i've discovered can
be triggered to sing jesus loves me in the voice of a young child. i also drew a tree

in a place of "the weather is nice would you like to go somewhere in one hour"
as opposed to the hitherto established "do you want to hang out tomorrow"

january 11th, 2023

i like when overcastness feels not drab but metallic & clean

purchased two aesthetically dissimilar plush toys after coming to an irrevocable conclusion in my heart for
no particular reason that they are a pair who must not be purchased by two different people & separated

when sweet pea stands on her hind legs & just stares at someone she has this incredible air of dignified judgment

january 12th, 2023

they have lived less than two miles from me for about seven years but i would not want
to have met them during earlier periods of my life, as any of the people i've been before

got lost in the woods on purpose & emerged onto some unknown autumnal blacktop street by a warehouse & made our way blindly to
the highway holding hands & then about a mile back to the car & got coffee & held hands on the couch there talking about national
socialist black metal & the distortion that image boards structurally impose on their users' communication & went to the thrift store
& strengthened mutual mental association between chicken tenders & a specific park & then HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

a big wicker basket & a red/white checkerboard quilt both DO NOT come cheap & this is because the working class
are NOT INTENDED by the system to have picnics, the only feasible way to do it is purchasing the two things
on credit & then have the picnic VERY QUICKLY & return them before the window of time to do so
expires, or else your life is basically down the drain just like that. it's worth the risk though

january 13th, 2023

there's no thinking my way out of overthought, or thinking my way out of worrying that i am not thinking enough
during times of successful non-thought. there is just: "i know that the balance is possible & i will have faith in that"

carrying three tiny bibles around in my coat pocket on the off chance that i can do a bit, at some moment
that is ripe for it, where i start just handing someone bibles repeatedly... today i'll be adding a tin of
mints so that at the coffee shop i can do a callback & subversion for my friend that i think will
be pretty funny, as long as the tin doesn't audibly rattle in my pocket & give itself away

i am drafting a letter on my laptop but i plan to give it to my friend handwritten at some
point. or, well, i plan to maybe read it out loud, & then give them it as a gift, a memento

i like all the small inconsequential lies that can arise in the process of trying to be socially graceful

january 14th, 2023

very proud to continue to be among the vast minority of human beings who escape being murdered on each friday the thirteenth

tonight i laughed hysterically after my friend remarked that it had already been the new day for an hour &
twenty-one minutes, & i said "& part of the twenty-second minute," & they confusedly misconstrued this
as me referring to a unit of time that exists adjacent to the minute, called the "twenty-second minute,"
a minute that last twenty seconds, there being one hundred & eighty twenty-second minutes in an hour

one hundred & twelve days of strictly walking always on the left side
except during the odd brief stint of walking on the right side as a joke

after all the posts & all the stupid internet stuff & all the people & all the thorough incorporation of isolation
as an aspect of my self-image & all the meetups with people from far away & all the absolute lack of hope
about where i live, & all the, & just... you can't tell me that the universe doesn't have a sense of humor

january 15th, 2023

whenever i play a song a second time consecutively my friend always laughs a little & says "song"

the frolic by current 93 is one of the most beautiful songs i've ever heard & makes me feel like i am in this
metal-springy golden oversaturated sepia-like sun-glint-off-yellowed leaves bright slow stillness like i could
walk in slow motion where i am forever without ever dying, the measured way he speaks & the way his voice
is mixed makes me feel like everything is totally frozen & deliberate & dissociative & graceful & slow

i see a bird move onto the table in my garden. its beak scoops up the seeds. the green of the grass & the blue of the sky
are immense & terrifying. everything seems so close, so very very close. should a storm come, should a storm break
& halo all around us, as some savage & blind god, jerking his hands out to us. the birds drop all around us

january 17th, 2023

english translated lyrics from the booklet of a pizzicato five cd that my pal
found: Yes, I am unreliable, capricious, cheeky, willful, luxurious, affected,
lying, dubious & random. But I am allowed because I am cute.

too delightful to make into just another thing for my brain to turn into posts

january 18th, 2023

arrived at four simple observations that i could not arrive at yesterday due to being in the throes of madness:

1. last semester i was very nervous, feeling like i was slacking off bad on classwork &
unsure how things would pan out. but in the end i still pulled through with a's & b's

2. hypothetically, i would have to pull off some unthinkable doubly
egregious degree of semester-long slacking to earn straight d's

3. hypothetically, even in this extreme case, i think my gpa is currently high
enough that those two straight-d semesters wouldn't make it that bad

4. my primary anxiety about my gpa has always stemmed from the minimum that i need to
maintain to be eligible for pell grants, which i am nearing my maximum on anyway

the sum of all this is that i now feel... how do you say, "joker mode" about this semester, & all fear has
left me. i will try my best to the precise degree that it does not make me meaningfully anxious. i have no
impetus for perfectionism anymore. the department of education is going to be enabling me to do some living

january 19th, 2023

every few days i think i am ready to handwrite my letter to my friend but
then i think of something else to mention & am glad i did not commit earlier

january 20th, 2023

made my whole social deviance class laugh cause the teacher was taking examples of
taboos & i came out with "making a statue out of human teeth that you stole from people"

fell asleep on the floor in the obscure space behind the equipment racks in the radio room
with my head on my backpack to the classical music til my instructor barged in for something

january 21st, 2023

sunny day by abandoned pools feels like one of those
songs that's gonna linger & recur for me my entire life

next time i'm really honestly sad i gotta say "i've got the blues"
to see if that takes the edge of self-seriousness off a little

friend describing the live music emanating from the back of the crowded coffee shop as "music that
sounds like music," "music in the style of music" & me saying "they got the smiths playin' back there..."

i can't promise i'll sit & read two hundred pages of macon holt's pop music & hip ennui
this morning but it's about feeling like the only book i could honestly do it with

it still doesn't feel entirely real that there is a person who i will sit by hugging on a bench by the gravel path
through the trees & they will hug my head to their chest & run their hand over my hair in precisely a way for
which my affinity just sort of made itself known without ever any instructive words or gestures. my head
is still cancelling out the inertia of generally self-identifying with loneliness for over a decade

they better not hydroplane in their car again...

january 22nd, 2023

i'd like to give them the letter on valentine's day but it feels like such a ways away... i don't want the words to become stale,
for the letter to become speckled with slightly obsolete versions of myself who would then feel a little difficult to revamp or
extricate without feeling like i am diluting the letter's identity as it exists right now, where it's a pleasing sum of intuitions

in any case it is still good to set a deadline so that one does not keep drafting & working on
something forever. you have to call it quits & settle for having something to present eventually!

just figured out how to whistle after thinking my whole life that my mouth just isn't capable of it... it happened in the
process of incessantly trying to replicate a water-drop sound my friend makes that i still haven't quite cracked the code of

it feels good to write a "love letter" as something that i feel is just happening as opposed to me ever sitting
down & deciding matter-of-factly that i am going to invoke & participate in "writing a love letter" taken as
some predefined reified action to be picked out from a roster of actions. this is going in the letter by the way!

january 25th, 2023

we kept jokingly saying these chiding juxtapositions of Bible stories with technology & i made us both laugh by saying
"God said go forth & multiply, we said we'd obey but we lied, cause all we do is divide, the nation, with misinformation"

Love this tape (referring to a collection of mp3 files or perhaps a
streaming video file containing a concatenated sequence of the mp3 files)

love

i frivolously said to my friend in the coffee shop im gonna realize a miraculous circumstance where i never
have to be cynical again & all the flows just flow where they're supposed to flow & i'm impervious to
everything & just know what i like & what i don't like, at first they thought i was being sarcastic...

january 27th, 2023

my friend saying we need to start pointing camcorders at people & saying "hahaa you're
in the video :)" again & then i said "video, video" in the voice of the kid at the start
of the "here i come i am cinnamon" video & they laughed & were like yes you get it

in the james ferraro fan discord server is a guy who can see the whole server but is only allowed to talk in one channel visible
only to him & the moderators. he was originally confined to the channel for a genuine reason about some ways he was acting,
but after people forgot to let him back out for a while he is now kept there permanently simply because both him & the
moderators came to agree that it is funny to keep it that way. he has been active in this capacity for about two years

the kids need to go from URL to IRL, if you ask me

the only way we can have classless society is it has to be swag society instead!

when did you last hear someone say "laughing my butt off", maybe we should repopularize that one

january 28th, 2023

alex i genuinely appreciate your apparent
willingness to, within a conversation,
drop a "cf [several paragraphs]".
i will indeed cf momentarily

january 29th, 2023

today i laughed hysterically in the parking lot of an electronics store just over the way a computer
had been beeping near the checkout counter, each beep was two simultaneous beeps, a standard
high pitch one you might expect while the other was lower, i might write it out like "burnk"

we also laughed a lot during the drive at the song laugh of death

i finally replaced my hair scissors & spent about ten minutes in my room trimming off a crazy amount of split ends

then almost dozing off with my head on my friend's chest around noon with the window open & being
called back in the direction of consciousness with the periodic "hi" like submarine pings & then
drowzily flickery in my perception was getting up & out to the parking lot to see them off where
it felt unnaturally bright outside which added to the incoherence & they said i'm really cute

sliced bread doesnt necessarily stand out to the contemporary mouth but the thing is it was innovative for its time

amazingly demystifying call with a friend who had such an outpouring of merciful & healthy truth to share without pause
over the course of half an hour... it was just such a living span of time to me that i wish this summary could really capture it

hurt people hurt people which is why it is our common responsibility to heal,
material & socioeconomic factors & freedom of information notwithstanding

i have a 1961 vinyl of circus carnival calliope music which on the back of the sleeve boasts that as
a generous aspect of its audio engineering it contains frequencies it openly admits are beyond the range
of human hearing but whose presence can be verified through microscopic inspection of the record grooves

sitting on my bed absent mindedly harmonizing with the most prom-
inent frequency in the rushing sound of my tower fan over & over

january 30th, 2023

worried about my friend's well-being as they drive a long distance back to town on potentially icy roads so
naturally this is also the night that i must write out my letter to them so as to "prove" to the universe that i
won't neglect to have a kind of carpe diem response to such moments of uncertainty & interpersonal conern

ok, i have five hours to write out my two & a half thousand word love letter. this will require writing a consistent
average of eight words per minute. not totally sure that i'll really be able to get it done in time but i guess
i don't have to present it today, as long as i at least put in a lot of effort towards getting it written out...

the word count sounds nice & dramatic to report but i would chalk
it up as just the measure of my pointless verbosity & meandering

january 31st, 2023

it's time to fall asleep in my friend's sweater

february 1st, 2023

just to keep it real & not let pretension start to take root in my heart i have
been listening to yu-gi-oh abridged songs while i handwrite my big letter

february 2nd, 2023

i have to stop & acknowledge that if & when the situations that i dream about actually come to pass i'll probably
just feel & display a kind of reptilian blankness, but it doesn't necessarily mean that they aren't actually
the situations i want to see, or that they aren't happy. (unless it points to a crazy deep extent to
which i need to tear everything down & rediscover & reacquaint with my genuine desires)

i want to go sit in the middle of the big circle of hay, it was a circle bordered by trees that made it feel like
there was nothing outside it, just a self-contained space, & the sky was cloudless, it felt like the circle was the
whole world & it was empty & simple. it's out in the country near the little dairy farm i stayed with a friend at

february 3rd, 2023

rewriting page seven because there are two short paragraphs where i transition to two-line-high letters
for emphasis but i accidentally retained a one-line-high line break between the two, which makes it
resemble a "shift-enter" line break more than an "enter" line break & interferes with the kind
of pointedness that i intended with the first paragraph, which is only a few words

carefully retaining the spacing of the two song lyric excerpts except for the
first one which i made a small improvement to that made the lines even in length

ran into my academic advisor in the hallway while i was eating a donut that kept making me sal-
-ivate an odd amount & i was just trying to not visibly drool on myself as she was talking to me

february 5th, 2023

girlfriend

february 7th, 2023

october thirtieth was such a good freaking night... & then the guy in the basement with
a yelpy voice playing a guitar & kick & snare drums & it was like really raucous folk-ish
music & he was wearing a short blonde wig & face paint & a vest cause it was halloween

realized yesterday that my more or less lifelong distinct affinity for that first song that
plays in the keyboard cat video is only now finding its realization when i am in my twenties