you are recommended to read the header of the first Binary page, for context on this section

i have already expressed the things currently here - they have been formed, & can be deleted, but not unformed, so i intend to humor the act of archiving them here. but it is my hope that this year i might be able to vanquish these feelings - or at least proactively silence them. i feel that there is a hypothetically
endless supply of these kinds of sentiments for me to express from time to time, & perhaps nothing to be gained from doing so. they tend to amount only to worrisome cries of terror. i am coming to feel like giving them such a voice amounts to giving them greater footing in reality. i need to tend only toward detached dissections of the feelings, observing them from outside

the objective is the closure of this colosseum of a webpage where you may come to watch me tear myself apart!

december 31st, 2021
drunk on new year's eve

i'll never care about actual physical comfort because: fantastical physical comfort, with its
fantastical scenario & companion, reinforces a fantastical condition where i am not male, while
real physical comfort, with its reality, reinforces the condition that i am. whimper whimpser!

january 1st, 2022
& crossing midnight

i am A DOLL: 1. incapable of valuing my own body (the distinction between me & the doll is its lack of cognition vs. my flaw of
cognition (or rational cognition in the face of bodily flaw?)); 2. while capable of having my presence be EXTERNALLY valued - i
feel inherently ruined & the definition of relief to me feels like a fundamental reformatting - that, by my present standards,
i will NEVER stop being fundamentally ruined - but i may become something very demented - accustomed to my
ruination - accepting of being MALE, which i do not want to be... male OR accepting of it

if my life feels dislocated then no relief may come because it is within the LIFE which is the CONTAINER of
all experiences which could conceivably constitute RELIEF - these experiences are NULLIFIED on account
of playing out within the TAINTED CONTAINER - whimper whimper. i am typing this while
drunk. someone wants me to be happy & my condition is a disgrace to their want

someone who just can't can't can't accept that it can be ok this way - someone who wants to beg beg beg for the
mistake to be fixed - even thought it never will - someone who wants to beg beg beg to be taken as a female
beg beg begging dumbly for the dumb weird mistake to be fixed rather than a male beg beg begging to be
different - ALTHOUGH THE LATTER IS IN FACT WHAT I AM. i want people on the internet to know this

things are ok, i can hop & dance around & make a silly joke about a sparrow flying by. things have to be
ok if i can do that. it is an imperative that things be ok so as to honor the sweet simplicity of it. it has
to be granted an impervious quality. it cannot be the case that i retain those sweetly simple physical
capacities & simply include them under the purview of a ruination. (okay? please? please?)

as i approach my sexuality, so too do i approach my biological sex - the latter is fundamentally an act of harm against myself, so
the former must be as well. i must devalue my sexuality & forget my capacity to be a sexual being - for to MAXIMALLY
value it would practically be like an immediate reasoning for suicide. i feel i am perhaps cursed & barred from a
full human life (if it is to be defined in that respect) but there is still a life for me to live

it hurts forever & no one ever comes along to at least explain why it should hurt you so much

if they touch me then the purity of their love for me is contaminated by the ruination of my being an undesiredly
sexed being so i can never be purely properly loved OK OVERSHARING LOL but all love is rerouted to pain

january 2nd, 2022

i wish i did not have to structure my whole life around hiding from my own body. it is imperative that i keep my existence
to the first-person. life is a minefield of reminders that cause my whole system of meaning to collapse, until absurdly it
manages to reconstruct itself. once i re-forget, i guess. it is so taxing to navigate life as a psychological minefield.
i don't feel like there is anything i can do to make it different. i just have to maintain my blissful
ignorance of my body for as great a proportion of my lifespan as i can

presently, i am trying so hard to reel myself in & at least engage with the structure of tearful goodbyes, because it
would be such an awkward, sour note to go out on: saying farewells in apathetic catatonia, having succumbed
to a notion that all projects in my life reduce to an effort to simply distract myself from my body

i don't know why i have to associate sexual dimorphism with helpless ruination. when i am reminded too severely, it is like...
i really truly lose the capacity to care about anything, because my life, as a container of all events i experience, feels tainted.
i'm willing to believe that i am smart & funny & kind. i would just like to be those things in a body that doesn't make
me feel so bad. i just have to distract myself from the feeling of my life, as a container, being itself tainted

i want to care. i can skip & dance around & tell a joke. i can't handle the thought of those capacities falling under
the purview of the ruination. it's unthinkable. it's the aspect i absolutely can't accept, it's a mental boundary i can't
cross, i cannot rationalize it, it is what keeps me digging at the notion that there has to be some way out,
even if there isn't. i just need to skip & dance in periods in which i have successfully re-forgotten.
i cannot see a photo of myself. i cannot see someone who i want to look like

everything is just either so very fine or so very bleak, these
two being wholly irreconcilable, that the bleakness must
entail some fundamental distortion of perception

i took this purposefully unflattering photo of myself, as part of a conversation about
my possibly having body dysmorphic disorder that causes me to have delusions
in the way i see myself - they say the delusions are glaringly obvious

the particular purpose of the photo was to illustrate that i don't think it's delusional - that it
is possible that i have dysmorphic disorder, but my pain is rooted in my interpretation
of, my reaction to, what is an incontrovertibly real array of attributes

which is to say: i do not want my body to have produced a bunch of testosterone for a long period
of my life, but it did, & now i have to see that reflected in the array of attributes that it produced

so i sent this photo & asked whether it looked like my body had produced a bunch of estrogen or a bunch of testosterone for
a long period of my life, & i was told that it is a legitimately androgynous photo, that if the person i was talking to didn't know
my situation, they would not be able to call it. they would lean towards "a relatively androgynous, early-puberty teenage girl"

i am incapable of believing this. when i look at the photo, it is enormously, enormously obvious to me. there are some majorly
at-odds realities in contact here. it's in such great conflict with my personal reality that it suggests to me three possibilities:


1. i actually am delusional. their comment has gotten me really considering this. the degree
to which i consider it is proportional to the degree that i let myself believe the comment

2. they are fibbing to comfort me even though they specifically elaborated that they're not

3. they are being earnest, but it has become common for people to overthink & dissect these hormonally-differentiated tendencies of appearance,
until they lose all perspective, & think everyone just looks like whatever, even though the various effects of these hormones early in life do
tend to just be really obvious in most people, despite how much anyone might want to pretend, in the interest of relief, that they're not


i made a tumblr post serving as an open invitation for anyone to suggest which of these three possibilities seems like it might be true

i feel like people are too nice - nice to the degree of deluding me. i feel like if i just posted this in some dark
seedy place online i'd receive a brutal degree of honesty... the bigoted & biologically essentialist comments
would not be true, but there would be an implied honesty about how i am visually taken

the type of spitting honesty from some normal jerkwad on a sidewalk. i want honesty more than i want pampering
kindness. i want to know if some dumb un-gender-woke person would infer my "pronouns" from
presentation (bad), or assumption (good). i feel like no one will offer me this perspective

LP: You sound really hard on yourself :( the hair makes me think you're female presenting, i suppose, but for a candid facetious shot you look like a normal, cute person imo. Take care of yourself and happy belated new years

R: Wow, you writing about the interpretation of a real array of attributes really hit me, as someone who is also dysphoric for different but adjacent reasons :/ thank you for posting this, seriously

LE: honestly im female at birth and i look similarly androgynous Especially from that angle i take after my father w the chin and nose combo .. to be completely honest if i throught you looked masculine i would say that (i also think masculine looking women rule) but you look really nice and read as a girl in my book :)

SN: oh same. to me u look relatively androgynous but skewing feminine in that picture, but i fully confess that i've been trans too long not to intuitively pay more attention to presentation than the sort of strictly physical attributes you're referring to

T: I know a couple cis girls who look like you do in that photo so I thought "this person has had their features influenced by a bunch of estrogen". i think context and memory really influences perception a great deal. You know those auditory illusions where a sound sounds unintelligible until you're told what it's meant to be saying, but once you are told your brain essentially hallucinates to fill in the gaps and it's difficult to unhear the words? I think there's a similar situation with most perception, except that there are many different possible ways to hallucinate our perceptions and interpretations down into one basin or another - it's not just a single sentence that can be heard within the sound. These basins of hallucinated meaning are sometimes roughly shared and communicable, but are always ultimately unique and defined by our personal mind's built-in tendencies plus previous experiences. (Likewise, they can change over time and in response to learning-like activities just as any part of one's brain can.) So, on the basis of me reading your features as estrogenic, but having seen your posts on the matter before, iirc...that's not the case? (Sorry if I got it wrong here though) I think that the person you interacted with was likely interacting in earnest, and not delusional, and that your perception is also not delusional, but that you have your whole history of experiences looking at yourself and reading features onto your face that you fill in the gaps differently. This is probably both because 1) you genuinely have more information; you know what it would look like if you, say, stretched your neck out slightly, and how it would change or accentuate your features (I just have this photo) 2) you have spent a long time focusing on features that you find unappealing; this extended focus likely draws your brain towards identifying them in the first place. Again, though, this does not doom you to remaining in these perceptual basins, as brains can be rewired and their dynamics altered. Sometimes without even an equivalent extended amount of timeā€”just with the right learning activity or brain-chemistry change. This is all my best guess, and I'm saying it with the understanding that this might not at all seem reasonable to you for whatever reason, and that ultimately it's up to you to find out if these insights actually apply in your situation, which I know not too much about! But I hope they're at least interesting to you! :) and fwiw, seeing your edit on honesty: like I said I do know a couple cis women who look sort of like you, and one who looks almost EXACTLY like you, and maybe because of that I read you as feminine. i am sorry if you'd rather look masc tho..and looking back through a couple of your posts I'm realizing I might have been projecting and have no idea what your agab/hormone situation is. so, I am hoping I don't make you feel worse by saying so, but since you wanted honesty, you look feminine to me.

SE: i've constantly interpreted your appearance and features as androgynous, if not slightly feminine, in the time i've been following you

january 10th, 2022

would prefer not to be male, proceeds to scrutinize body for male traits & ironically develop appearance-obsessed
behavioral characteristics one tentatively regards as being foisted more intensively on people who are female by
conventional cultural systems... clears cobwebs from head & finds self pretty again, but considers fearfully that
i am just humoring what is functionally my head's act of playing "good cop," thus leading me to neglect
my responsibility to abolish the binary of visual self-dis/approval in myself entirely

january 14th, 2022

to feel like one "looks like oneself"

it is probably being exceedingly rare for anyone to really feel like they "look like themselves" from the get-go, with how varied
people are, & how little control they have about it... i imagine everyone having to "grow into" whatever intensely random appearance
they land with. it is a mistake to look at anyone & perceive an intrinsic "unity" between their mind & body, as if they're not "stuck"
to some extent, & making do with that. maybe i have failed to follow the standard course of "growing into" myself

but then, this all presupposes some concretized self that is present from the moment one is born, & then their body
can be evaluated in terms of its adherence to that self... when, in fact, that self can be conditioned by many many
things, many of those things themselves potentially stemming from the person's appearance in some way

& then one has to take into account the lack of objective meaning for any bodily trait & how vague "meanings" become
painted onto those traits, & an uncountable number of other aspects of life, with a very great degree of granularity

february 1st, 2022

"literally all of my memories are informed by my body, even the ones i like. no matter what i do, even if it is maximally
productive with respect to patching up my feelings about my body, i can't remove all the memories. they are tainted.
& the memories i form of taking productive steps about my body will obviously be informed by my body
too. my only recourse is reincarnation potentially being real" < thoughts i don't have anymore

my greatest fear i suppose would be e.g. being held by a person & the bodily convictions seem to be present & spoil
the moment, creating a sense that such a thing should only happen if something isn't so wrong with the circumstance.
that love would not be safeguarded against its encroachment, in fact would be open to it precisely on account of its
importance... based on some experiences with pal, i am not as confident that this fear is baseless as i would like to be

february 10th, 2022

apparently there have been experiments where people's brains are scanned as they are shown the color blue fading from light
to dark, & activity unique to Russian speakers was found, this being a consequence of their categorical distinction of light
& dark blue as "different colors." which sends my head toward the importance of categories, the notion that a category
established at an inopportune point in one's head can do a lot, then to a whole society extensively oriented around
pantomiming made-up sexual divisions, & finally you end up at my probable body dysmorphia

but then, at the root of it all, there is still a provably un-delusional sexual binary for everything to
reduce to. so, while i can insist to myself that i may be delusional in some ways & that things are
(way) more ok than i realize, i can never insist or suggest to myself that everything is totally ok

february 19th, 2022

i can tell that i still don't have a proper unity inside me with respect to my conception of gender, because i'm still
afraid that there is a man, the real me, lurking behind my "mask," so in the moments of actual freedom, when i let go
of all gendered pretenses & regress to the actual, undivided me inside, when i forget everything & only feel the
baseline of perception common to everyone, i might fear that i am actually just regressing to that man

february 24th, 2022

i will be perfectly frank here: it is a very common notion that a person can have a uniform disinterest in sleeping
with people who have a certain type of reproductive anatomy. right? well, building from that notion: is it not
inconceivable that a person could have, in a vacuum, a disinterest in that kind of intimacy when experienced from
the perspective of the anatomy that they happen to have, this necessarily implying a total, universal disinterest in it?

i am incapable of that kind of intimacy in any form that doesn't feel, on some very fundamental level, like
an enormous compromise. there is nothing that i can do about it. as with everyone, the happenstance
of my biological qualities never had any regard for the consciousness that that biology
would produce, consciousness which can easily deviate from the qualities

i do not overvalue that kind of intimacy, so i do not find this life-ruining or anything. there is very very much else
to life. but i feel i do not have much room to discover my normal level of valuation, either. i am compelled to
undervalue it, because the degree to which i value it is the degree of pain i feel. the painful acknowledgment
is that it is something you can, potentially, build a lot of meaning on top of, with time. but i do not think
this is an aspect of life on which i will have the opportunity to build anything. i cannot let it represent
love because that would implicitly burden me with a materially hindered capacity to love

february 28th, 2022

i try to keep a light in my eyes & i often do a good job at it but i still can't get mildly behind on sleep without immediately
remembering the permanence of biological sex & becoming inconsolably horrified enough that i can only do everything i can
to shut off my emotions & walk around like a dead body. all taboos around gender nonconformity & gender expression are
pathetic afterthoughts, burdens long long gone, & i am very confident about myself, but this feels exactly the same
still. when i started interacting with transgender people i thought i would primarily find other people who grasp
this feeling but i started with the most mainstream channels of finding them & consequently found only the same
kinds of insufferable ingroup signalers that are endemic to normative spaces. because i made the mistake
of assuming a flawless comorbidity between my condition & anything actually radical

there is nothing new to say about it, as per usual. i just have a
mental illness & it doesn't seem like i am going to stop having it

this one condition on which i am obstinately staking the notion that a missing piece would be put in place & i would
be perhaps capable of unabashedly loving myself, while knowing that it is a fundamentally unattainable condition

i've never felt that it really makes any sense but it is still very very real
for me regardless, & i wish more than anything that i could resolve it

- at this point, something happens to Neocities which causes any change i make to a page to display immediately for others, but with a
delay of about twenty-five minutes for me. this breaks my established workflow & forces me to abandoned the "centered paragaphs" formatting -

march 3rd, 2022

had a short dream where my cheetah pattern blanket was wrapped around my head & i was wordlessly screaming really hard over how if a person is capable of getting erections then it introduces into a range of postures of closeness to others the constant risk of a forced externalization of the idea of sexual arousal thus entirely denying access to any sort of more strictly platonic or pure-feeling experiences of affection where, even if a person starts to have those kinds of physiological responses, they are permitted to keep it wholly to themselves & not make it an external reality of the situation

march 4th, 2022

purgatorial bad thoughts. nothing productive to be said about them, as always.
oh well. just waiting. ok, here are the un-productive things to be said:

what sucks is that the periods where i think these thoughts also come with the awareness that they are literally just
objectively correct thoughts, whose truth indefinitely persists. so, although there are plenty of periods of relief where
i do not think them, the periods where i do think them also come with the awareness that the periods of relief
are just periods where i am not especially thinking them, not periods where anything is actually different

it is like processing a death or something like that, where there is no reasoning to be done in the way of dispelling a
subjective thing as much as there is just an objective thing to stare in the face & make sense of staring it in the face

there is an analogy to be made between missing a lost loved one & feeling their absence often, versus this
sense of endlessly grieving the self i am convinced i would have been if i had not been shoved into
a body that feels so inappropriate, had not been made a sexed being without my consultation

i am questioning myself on whether, when i enjoy things about life, if beneath that
surface level enjoyment i am not just uniformly taking them as mere compensation
for that central, near-unforgivable wrong that i feel was done to me
& which i always seem to return to obsession with

these are extensively, extensively, extensively life-defining thought patterns

what's funny is that maybe you, the reader, don't have this problem, & maybe, in reading this, you experience a kind of respect or
sympathy for my having to reckon with the issue. & maybe you don't think i am tarnished or anything. but that is only because you
have no choice but to process only the me who objectively exists for you, who visibly grapples with this real condition, producing
a "struggle" in which you might "root for me." you have no inclination to idealize an alternate configuration of me the way i
do, so you think this is all "valid." you are separated from the subjective side of it that i experience, where i utterly feel like a
bastardization of myself & i see no respect, sympathy, or dignity to at least be claimed in dealing with these thoughts. i only
see them as yet more evidence of this reality that shouldn't be as it is, & you reading & comprehending these words is
more evidence still. i don't want to prevail over the thoughts, i want to prevail over the reality, & i can't

march 11th, 2022

i feel as though i solicit people on the internet to benevolently gaslight me into thinking my face has an androgynous or even
estrogen-&-not-testosterone-influenced appearance instead of just trying to fully internalize the unsexed quality of my mind
& personality & make peace with my helpless condition of being an arbitrarily constructed biological thing. i use unwieldy
medical sorts of terms like "testosterone-influenced" because no one has come up with any new words yet to replace the
conservative & prescriptive terms of "feminine" & "masculine" when nonetheless describing the extremely apparent general
binary divisions in physical appearance that make themselves absolutely known when one is just walking down a crowded
street instead of staring in a mirror trying to overanalyze & deconstruct it & going blind from overexposure

march 14th, 2022

it is very very prudent that i figure out what i need to do to become able to navigate life without the voices of like half the people on the planet carrying the risk of placing me teetering on the edge of irreconcilable despair about the sexually dimorphic quality of voices, i.e. walking down a street & hearing something as overwhelmingly common as the voice of a person whose vocal tract was identifiably not affected by their body having at some point produced substantial quantities of testosterone, & consequently having an ephemeral mental breakdown over the non-negotiable permanence of those effects on my vocal tract

obviously this does not happen with overwhelming consistency, but the feeling is liable to strike upon any exposure without rhyme or reason. there is an element of reassurance in how thoroughly transient the feeling is, but also an element of pervasive fear in how constant the threat of it is, & how thoroughly unbearable it is when it strikes. it can feel like no way to live, like full justification for an intensely reclusive lifestyle

i'm not sure my voice is even so "egregious" (in these terms) in conversation. i've received some pretty convincing reassurances about it. but i still manage to feel burdened by my capacity to make very low, chest-resonant sounds in private, even if i avoid them in conversation. i feel burdened by all memories of having done this, because they preclude the overwhelming comfort that i feel in great need of, that of simply having a physiology that makes those sounds kind of infeasible to produce in the first place - which would make me actually physically oriented toward my present manner of speech instead of having it be a product of compensatory training & practice, unseen hours of feeling like a barely held together disguise which still feels so capable of slipping, something eternally tenuous - the metaphor always in my head is kind of specific but it is an electrical cable sawed in half & you twist the copper filaments sticking out around each other & wrap them in scotch tape & hope the current passes through

i guess it's kind of reached a point where... it has departed from being an insecurity, a thing rooted primarily in other's perceptions of me, & arrived at being something i instead primarily regard as an omnipresent symptom, a reaffirmation, of this condition of definitively qualifying as the sex that i do, which in spite of its benign & arbitrary quality i have an irrational & obsessive need to escape at times, with no productive outlets towards which i could focus that need

as i've said before, i feel like maybe i need to focus on not giving so much of a voice to it. because it is such a large bummer of a feeling, one that feels like it has, for a long time now, ceased to have any angles on it to be discovered in going on about it. because it feels like such a simple if stressful thing. so nearly any time i go on about it i'm mostly just reiterating its feeling of being naturally irreconcilable, & there is something almost masochistic about it. i don't know what to do. i want to be happy & i certainly would not have chosen something that is such a burden to that aim

march 18th, 2022

today every glance at another human being is a painful occurrence. i cannot stand being in public & having to bear witness to secondary sex characteristics. it feels like i am watching every person suffer a horrible indignity

it's very tempting to try to romanticize biological human characteristics & find a persistent beauty in them, but you can only take it so far before you arrive at a set of values wherein, for instance, it comes to feel horrifyingly tragic that half of all people on the planet are reproductively incompatible in spite of their personal compatibility. you can only value these things up to a point past which the world becomes horrifically uncaring & cruel in light of them as valued things

many people seem to reconcile this by refusing to project much meaning onto our arbitrary biological situation, in favor of... seizing & appropriating what there is to be reaped from the consciousness they've been gifted with as an effect of that biology. distancing themselves from arbitrary biology, embracing their quality of being an awareness before being a homo sapiens, taking the consciousness & running with it, radically orienting themselves toward the pole of living which is represented by personal compatibility

i think that this is very easy & sensible to do. it can just feel fraught i guess. there is always that aforementioned temptation, & you end up asking yourself questions like, can i go on this walk & love the green trees & project meaning onto them without necessarily letting that meaning wash over my biology as well? do i have to exempt myself? can i really pick & choose my projections of meaning arbitrarily? & you can. that is the privilege of being conscious i think. i feel that it is something i have to do, so as to not let the world feel very cruel. it's a matter of emotional survival

i guess there is a central uncertainty & tension where i'm not certain whether i am transcending biology or employing a constant stoicism towards fleeing from it. am i appropriating reality for my pre-biological ends, or rebelling against it?

an extreme form of the latter conclusion seems to be what makes people into conservatives, who wholly submit to objectified conceptions of themselves & see no use in fighting what they perceive as inevitabilities. maybe they see themselves as exempt from that central self-denial, even if they have all kinds of stringent values which scatter other forms of self-denial through their lives

for instance: a "man" who is not socially permitted to show emotion, but is free to project meaning onto seeing himself in his child in a materially vouched-for way that affords him a sort of comfort as a material being. alternatively, maybe there are some people who have children but abandon that projection of meaning all the same. but both are sort of unified in existing at odds with the third side, the breadth of people who are left with no choice but to abandon it

march 21st, 2022

i can hardly bear this anymore, i don't know why i am trying, i don't know what the point is of trying to internally align myself with worthwhile modes of being if i can't also shut off the irrational sense of my body being a negation of those modes of being. i can do everything within my power on the inside but i can't do a thing about my outside & its seeming multiplication of it all by zero. internal subjectivity subjected to external objectivity, subjugated, subverted, smothered, wasted

- Neocities seems to go back to normal -

march 26th, 2022

sometimes i really don't like constantly worrying about the length & orderliness of my bangs. but i could never just chop them
off, because they obscure my forehead, in which i see my birth sex. & fleeing from my birth sex as effectively as possible feels
like a prerequisite for my psychological survival. through this relationship, the bangs seem to transmute the struggle with my
birth sex, a struggle that is fundamentally unwinnable, into a symbolic struggle that is winnable. i fear that if i cut them
off, then, faced with only the unmasked unwinnable struggle, i would end up in some kind of psychological death state

march 27th, 2022

i need to not think. i can't think

i want to do good cute things & not think about my body. the ideal is that i do good things & they count
whether or not i am thinking about my body. i do not think that is an ideal that is available to me, though

reading wikipedia pages calmly spelling out irreversible aspects of my body in the
mid-2010s was a pivotal life experience & probably among my worst life experiences

i think a step that is to be taken by anyone becoming close to me, & taking an
interest in having any hand in my emotional well-being, is at some point thinking:

"okay, i now grasp that there is legitimately no direct action i can take with respect to this. insofar as this is to
remain an emotional constant, the extent of my role as a person who is helping this person to feel better is simply
keeping her mind off of this fixed reality, which i would remedy if it was remotely possible, but i can't"

my contentment feels inherently dependent on maintaining a willful blissful
ignorance, & in that sense can seem endlessly provisional & fragile

additionally: i typed all of this in response to lots of nice suggestions of comforting activities, & despite the overall truth of
this writing, i do not want this writing to exist in the face of the simple niceness of those activities. i don't want to be this, i don't
want to embody something so problematic when such simple niceness can alternatively exist. that's why i don't want to think

i don't want to feel like my life is spoiled & ruined by my body anymore. i don't know what to do. i would lobotomize myself if i
could then be incapable of thinking thoughts detailed enough to even constitute a need to escape my body. i don't know what to do.
i can't conceive of a reality where i don't feel ruined. this isn't working. i can't imagine it working. all i can do is wait & bide my
time & see if life presents some inane means of working, a means that exists outside the present bounds of my imagination

it would be so incredibly simple for me to be simply my exact present self except free. just free of this arbitrary burden
which forcibly redefines me from my identical free self to this burdened self, this pointlessly agonized alternative.
it would require an adjustment that in the grand scheme of things is incredibly minor & simple. it can't happen

there are plainly days that i feel very happy, because i talk about them on this website. but things are okay until this awareness
seems to shred into me again & burden me with the knowledge that those spans of happiness were only moments where i managed
to suspend ignorance of this intolerable underlying reality. it is an immense perversion that is applied to those good moments

when people suggest such nice things, i can feel like i am watching
my life dangled in front of me inches away behind bulletproof glass

i can only wait to again forget my present state of being, my present self, essentially. my existence
is essentially a strict binary between the times i am remembering & the times i am forgetting

ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow

april 1st, 2022

i am coming to feel no less than pathologically obsessed with the secondary sex characteristics of anyone
i pass on the street. i had to stand by a food truck for half an hour, waiting on a pizza, & there were
people everywhere. i eventually began cryingbecause for the entire time it was all i could focus on

i see too much cruelty in it. it's very debatable & subjective what degree of cruelty there is in it, but i cannot
help but to see cruelty in it. i can't neutrally exist in a crowd. it is very painful. i feel like a thing that was
absolutely not meant to be a human being, which died & reincarnated into one. although that is obviously just
an over-romanticization of a condition which stems exclusively from my singular experience as a human being

how am i supposed to move through life like this

april 3rd, 2022

i think an element that contributes to my periods of inconsolable distress about being male is that i am so against the
reality of it that i do not want anyone to form even subconscious perceptions of me that are informed by it, even ones
that are subtle, insignificant, or even sympathetic, because they make it more socially real. & the abject inconsolability
becomes incentivized by a perception of mine that, if anyone does develop those perceptions of me, maybe i could
negate them by subjecting myself to an absolute internal obliteration with respect to my sex - a complete,
total refusal, thorough to a point of painful self-destruction, while committed & sincere enough that it
might leave no one with the ability to hold those perceptions in their head. an incontrovertible
assurance that this state of affairs is simply a terrible mistake

i often wonder if i don't simply deserve a slap in the face & a stern lecture about the immense & gorgeous potential residing
in the undifferentiated consciousness that lives in every human body, & being much stronger about not letting that potential
seem quashed by such an arbitrary & commonplace quality of my body, one that doesn't even really meaningfully hinder me

april 22nd, 2022

i would love to know if at least a subset of humanity has at least semi-consistently experienced some degree of inherent
terror at a person's position in the whole reproductive binary having been decided in advance for everyone who has ever
lived since we first evolved or if i & anyone else who relate are a historical or cultural particularity in any way

i say this purely in reference to the physicality of it & the sense of existential powerlessness that that can elicit in & of
itself - which is to say, i mean this in a vacuum from all the plainly obvious & innumerable horrific cultural responses to
the binary that have populated all of history, i mean a terror that could persist in a maximally egalitarian global society