previously...


january 5th, 2022


in search of the truly irreconcilable spectra that leave us no choice but to settle on a point along them - so that,
having identified a maximal number of spectra, we might begin to determine the permutation of all these axes
which leaves us with the least regret... all while always, contrary to identifying those spectra, striving to
test their irreconcilability, to see if they can't be unified, eradicating as many binaries as possible
& thus imposing as little necessity for compromise on ourselves as possible


january 8th, 2022


perpetually reconcile a perpetual stress response to not being able to step in the same river twice


you can't reconcile the same stress response twice, wa ha ha hee hee!


january 13th, 2022


in my head subconsciously guiding my mannerisms i don't want moody movies but a silliness friendly thing. & not one of any
negatively "saccharine" "flavors" among the many negatively "saccharine" "flavors" which are in turn among all the other
equally incommunicable "flavors," for which providing examples of any of them only distracts from their incommunicability &
generality, entangling them in specifics. i know the correct incommunicable "flavor(s)" for me, & i am the only one who has to


january 14th, 2022


to feel like one "looks like oneself"

it is probably being exceedingly rare for anyone to really feel like they "look like themselves" from the get-go, with how varied
people are, & how little control they have about it... i imagine everyone having to "grow into" whatever intensely random appearance
they land with. it is a mistake to look at anyone & perceive an intrinsic "unity" between their mind & body, as if they're not "stuck"
to some extent, & making do with that. maybe i have failed to follow the standard course of "growing into" myself

but then, this all presupposes some concretized self that is present from the moment one is born, & then their body
can be evaluated in terms of its adherence to that self... when, in fact, that self can be conditioned by many many
things, many of those things themselves potentially stemming from the person's appearance in some way

& then one has to take into account the lack of objective meaning for any bodily trait & how vague "meanings" become
painted onto those traits, & an uncountable number of other aspects of life, with a very great degree of granularity


i should make boiling the water for my tea a mechanism for dispersing a kind of meditation throughout the day, i.e. i flick the
switch & stay in the kitchen instead of coming back to my laptop, & i try to close my eyes & not think, until i hear the click

-

i am about to make some honey vanilla chamomile tea, but i have doubts about whether the meditation aspect will be feasible
this time... it's tinny phone speaker nu metal in one room & late night with jimmy fallon in the other. not insurmountable,
but absolutely a test. even if it's not something i can accomplish tonight, it's a task to give some thought to

these are two things i really really do not like. & the negative instinctual pathways of thought which stem from them are very
well-established. & i feel like it would take a lot of focus to just... i don't know, have to take in the constant stream of
sounds while persistently denying them access to those avenues of interpretation, or trying to defamiliarize
myself with them & incorporate them into a host of undifferentiated sounds around me

in the past, i have likened forced exposure to this sort of stuff to having a giant shard of glass
representing "the absolute opposite of me in all conceivable respects" embedded in my
brain. that is subjecting my perspective to a sort of learned helplessness, though

i guess emptying one's head of internal verbal content is one thing, & then keeping it from being replaced with external verbal
content, is another entirely... i'm also examining how much i really... have a gut distrust for nearly any mainstream media, like
i kind of aggressively don't want to feel like abc news is filling my head with trash. that feeling is maybe a bit much on my part*

sometimes i wish i could switch off the section of my brain that processes or generates language for a little while

*nevermind i rescind this capitulation


january 19th, 2022


there is a bar i go to sometimes. the bathroom... so, obviously, there is a door to the bathroom. & this bathroom
has a single toilet in a "stall." the "stall" door is like a door you see in a house, with a doorknob that locks. the
"stall" is like a room, big enough to hold precisely a toilet & a person's legs. & it sticks out to me as a very
stimulating space for how enclosed it is, there being two doors between you & the rest of the bar

it tickles a sense of something i still need to articulate. like how the "stall" is still very near to the kitchen
& the bar & all, but feels so separate & shut off from the world. it makes me imagine sweeping the
bar to the ground & seeing the small blank stretch of terrain it takes up. it particularly elicits the
feeling of the world being a plane & meaning being created by sectioning & dividing spaces

it also makes me think of wandering a city & how this is both freeing & constraining, teasing a greedy hunger to see
all, because it exposes how you're essentially a dot moving on a grid, & whatever direction you go in is mildly
to the detriment of the angles adjacent to it, & maximally to the detriment of the opposite direction


i had an aunt Opal, & my dad told me that although she was very old, she was a young child of about four years old in her
head. & she did show that in her mannerisms & in the things she said. later in life, i would receive the notions, which
one could argue are reasonable, & with great medical utility, but could also argue are "contaminating" relative to my
child outlook, of this being a disorder like dementia or the aftermath of a stroke, or whatever her situation was

my child outlook was this: i naively had no thoughts of regarding Opal's qualities as a disorder, & simply felt that people
were very random constructions, & she was an exceptional example of that. being four in one's head forever was just
"an attribute." today, it is easy for me to feel riddled with such contaminations that can feel coldly rational, & are
often hidden in plain sight, like an excess of rigid boundaries & definitions have been drawn inside of me...
my trains of thought tend to wander into these boundaries, stick adhesively to them & follow along them
unexploratively. all i can do to remedy this is my best to process myself in light of that awareness


january 20th, 2022


i want to get lost in an unfamiliar neighborhood & lose my sense of direction, lose track of my
relation to landmarks, so that i can again face subjectively forward instead of objectively north


there are always limits present to break out of. it should be easy, since the walls seem so laced into life that
practically any situation might present the opportunity to break one. but it can, in fact, feel quite tiring...


enormous hulking philosophical construction that takes in the chaos of life & spits out consistent justifications for
positively processing & reacting to it all as a child would, with a simplicity that is totally at odds with the complexities
i first mentioned... ok now suppose that, by way of the construction's own self-realizing desire to possess miraculous
qualities, it effortlessly strips itself down to something as minimal & elegant as its end results


january 21st, 2022


everyday life vs. broad perspective

the sense of everyday life having a precious & beneficial sense of being in first-person, until, in an
experience of depersonalization, this sense is subsumed by one's acquisition of what feels to them like
a broader perspective... an experience akin to my experience of feeling that i am physically facing
"objectively north" rather than "subjectively forward," as a consequence of knowing too well where i am

but the pursuit of that broad perspective is ultimately just the act of interpreting what signals reach you in your
everyday life, signals from a vast totality that no one can fully grasp. that act of interpretation still takes
place in everyday life, because there is no escaping everyday life. it is like the central tension in Invisible
Cities, where even Kublai Khan with his total power can never really know the empire he rules

there is arguably no "greater picture" to attain, for which the "awareness" of it can infect everyday life & depersonalize
it. there's only an errant behavior within everyday life, through which it depersonalizes itself in an act of self-sabotage.
one may then mistake this for an engagement with the totality from which the signals come, & one's everyday
life being acted on by that totality... when there is no direct engagement with that totality,
& what is really happening is their everyday life acting on itself


january 23rd, 2022


learning everything from one thing, but without fanatically ascribing wisdom to it... since it is only one
outcropping of life's general act of portraying itself & yourself to you in only the most obvious terms


january 26th, 2022


stuffy dehydrated sickness incoherence. itd be nice to learn to draw good. i want to do a lot of things. i want to be a million
people. i want to occupy a sunny memory or a sunny vision collage of past sunniness & inarticulable desirable energies fragile
& lingering from youth, i want to be a runny liquid occupying all the cracks & crevices of what there is to feel & engage with
in the world, do things to construct real existence constantly, it has to be real unmoored mapless direct living unmediated by
the comfort of personal categories & identities & creeds, the most productive derivation from all discrete categories of thought
& books & genres & lessons is no categories or figureheads or subcultures or genres but the creativity & impulsivity underneath
& to act & construct with no guide & free of polluting influences, i think the best book or milieu or philosophy or genre will
only try to destroy itself in the mind of the reader, be the last category so that it can be the last, so that there can be no
more. to make them see the emptiness that was there before it & its kind arrived. i want to feel only what's
actually there & not what's been placed there, i want lots of memories


february 2nd, 2022


metaphorically, i would say i am perpetually forcing myself to stare straight into a flashlight, so as to prevent
myself from slavishly sleepwalking. i do this without acknowledging that i just materially lack what would
actually keep me awake, which would be the physical presence of anyone at all who i really get along with

i am terrified of not even knowing how little i know. i am terrified of letting undeath pass for life,
perhaps for lack of the perspective of having ever lived even a single second of life. i might have
my mind utterly blown by something that is still only halfway to counting as basic life

maybe i only get along with another flashlight starer


february 17th, 2022


finding awareness of one's own heartbeat uncomfortable because it confronts their intuitive sense of stable
& relatively unconditional being, unexposed to complex bodily processes, with the most constant &
obvious vital bodily process which reaffirms their existence itself as a constant persisting process


february 19th, 2022


run around run around a parking garage run down empty street at two am reframe commercial district as thing to run
around creating associations between every building & minute positive memories walk around woods walk down
one of those endless lanes cut through trees for telephone poles that you'll see from the highway usually


the feeling of indiscriminate sarcastic hatred emanating from a "smile!
you're on camera" sign is so familiar that i don't even process it


february 21st, 2022


a person you get along with so well that they are akin to a bowl of water at precisely your skin temperature. when you place
your hand in the water, you don't notice any difference. this leads you to fear that you are becoming tired of them, that
your compatibility is waning. but this is only a counterintuitive appearance brought about precisely by the substantial
degree of the compatibility itself, & it is the compatibility, clearly still there & still valued but acknowledged
on a less conscious level, which leads you to fear its supposed waning in the first place


february 25th, 2022


if you regard people who you find impudent or simple-minded as a mere resource for occasionally inciting in yourself a cathartic
anger or sense of superiority, rather than thinking every single day about how to potentially begin teaching or reasoning with
them, not just throwing your hands up & accepting a powerlessness against a general human impudence but genuinely
throwing yourself at the mountainous task of trying to construct some radical & unseen general method for
approaching others, of miraculously piercing through that impudence, well, what are you here for?


when people say their bodily functions are disgusting, to what extent are they expressing a widely relatable sense of our
bodies being arbitrary & alien things distinct from our minds, which can feel independent of them, versus implicitly
expressing something about the culture they're accustomed to & the way it regards the human body, versus
something more personal, versus just reflecting a natural evolutionary aversion to something?


february 27th, 2022


i am intensely acclimated to deriving my joy of closeness from
wholly idealized imaginary people, who do exactly what i'd
like them to do, as soon as i'd like them to do it

i think that deriving the same type of joy from actual people, who are
just people, is fundamentally a very different & unfamiliar terrain for me

i'm uncertain whether i'm still able to get crushes on people the way i used to

i do not like undeniably finding one person prettier than another. it is a demonic feeling

i think part of why i feel often feel depersonalized is that i have consumed too much media, & now
my head is sort of depressingly acclimated to taking experience as something i'm being railroaded
through deterministically, or as if it's coming to me with some defined goal of making me
feel a particular way, like art that tries to be packaged laughs or tears or poignancy

i feel like as a person i am very fixated on what feels like the stoic emptiness of life,
& the need to construct meaning. the sense that no meaning is inherent, but
life can become deeply rich with the meaning that one fills it with

it seems, though, that on some visceral level, i am disconnected from that emptiness. there is a discontinuity
between the act of trying to embrace an emptiness, versus the act of unconsciously projecting fetishized
meanings & authorial intents onto events that are just protrusions from the uncaring randomness

if i read a person's personal blog posts, or a twenty-message tangent a friend might send me as i sleep, or
the sweet letters my friend sent me, then on some visceral level i guess i feel like i am "consuming
content," primarily trying to get to the end, to unearth the "canonical feeling" that is to be
extracted from it so that i can move on to another task or avenue of consumption

it is a form of experience that i am in deep conscious opposition to. but it does
not feel like something i do consciously. it is like something in my brain stem

i think being immersed in quantified word counts & numbers of messages is a big part of this. i think the quantitative
is very frequently engaged in antagonism towards the qualitative. i do, of course, live in a sociohistorical context that
feels deeply oriented towards the quantitative, to the potential detriment of a vast breadth of authentic human experience


another possible overall reason for my depersonalization is that i frequently picture someone hugging
me, or holding my hand, etc, from an external perspective. like i am the viewer of a film about myself

then, if & when the actual time comes, i incongruously find myself as the person actually being
hugged, rather than the observer role i was always in before, the role i was accustomed to.
i was observing me, yes, but i wasn't the me me, or at best i was only halfway that me

additionally, if someone were to hold me, i think i would ping pong between four different perspectives: trying to
occupy only my own perspective & feel things for myself; versus primarily trying to empathize with them, to wonder
what they are thinking & feeling, & to revel in their presumed joy of holding me; versus trying to think about both
of us in tandem; versus conceiving of both of us from the external perspective, as if i'm an audience
who is regarding the reality of us holding each other, deciding what it means


i would like to do away with a feeling that has followed me for a long time, that in addition to my own perception there
is always an "audience" with a more objective frame of reference, ready to process things in a "sober" & "correct" way

i have to remind myself that i am just a single unique fragment of human awareness, & that there is no authority
to appeal to. i may feel like a disorienting jumble of introjected external perspectives, but i can still
remind myself that it is only me, alone, with those perspectives sloshing around

it seems like the best anyone can get in the direction of an "authority" to authenticate the way they feel is
mere consensus, but only when that consensus is situated in a context that permits them to find it cathartic


i am not even a fragment of perspective, really, because that implies being meaningfully separate from a human unity
that, in fact, never existed. i am just a self-contained world that exists for the time being & will never be again.
i can make intellectual appeals to the objective elements of life, outside of me, that will persist after
i die. but i can never actually escape my subjectivity. this whole affair is deeply singular

each person is a separate world, but in the purest first-person sense, that sense of it being a shared condition
doesn't seem to really count for anything. you are the world. it's you, it's "the reader." i don't mean this
solipsistically, because i accept that we are both real. but we are both subjective, & it is only in making
that appeal to the objective elements where i can say that "the reader," for you, is you, &, for me,
is me. like i said before, i can appeal to that objectivity but i can't escape the subjectivity

this is all very obvious, but to me it feels worth clearly spelling out to myself, because
i really have gotten so decentered from this perspective that emphasizes my singularity


- at this point, something happens to Neocities which causes any change i make to a page to display immediately for others, but with a
delay of about twenty-five minutes for me. this breaks my established workflow & forces me to abandoned the "centered paragaphs" formatting -


march 3rd, 2022


need to extend the most vulnerable & affection-oriented headspaces to all branches of life. not in a literal & emotionally overbearing way, but a simple tendency towards avenues which possess at least a glimmer of emotional continuity (or at least a strict absence of outright emotional incongruity) with the most real, unassuming, unmediated, & unaffected kindness


march 5th, 2022


so much media makes me feel so grimy & bad. & i don't want to voyeuristically consume any of it with any sense of detachment, or irony, or of being above it. i just don't want to think about it & would prefer to sift through a mountain of sand for even one thing i really love rather than idly torturing myself just because i'm so bored in having not yet sifted out a new thing that i love. i want idleness & emptiness save for precisely as much as is afforded to me as determined by my standards. i will not fill dead air with noise. the only value in the grimy media is keeping in touch with what i am to model myself as the opposite of


march 6th, 2022


mental categories affecting affection

i've never considered before that you can process holding someone's hand as either holding solely their hand or holding all of them by their hand

someone can experience ___s namelessly, before having that action named "hug," & the word becomes a shorthand for the wordless goodness of the action

or they can be hugged very little, & come to view "hug" as something which precedes the action, an idea that real hugs only refer to & express


march 11th, 2022


feeling nostalgic for a time that i note happens to be prior to reading this or that book, or watching this or that film, & this eliciting a slightly anxious awareness that i can't unwatch or unread anything that i take in


march 13th, 2022


i want to be nice. & i want to read these song titles in imaginative & generous ways instead of the flat & fumbling ways i was earlier

i think a big part or symptom of my problems is that i have lost the intuition governing e.g. if i listen to a song & make up a little music video for it in my head i don't naturally gravitate towards styles & content that i feel cozy about & satisfied by, it's like even in the private & impenetrable space i'm fighting off alien forms

& i can read the daniel johnston track title "the goldfish & the frog" as two cute animals instead of a kind of passionlessly mythic reference to the animals like an ancient alienating Aesop fable, or a mere title waiting to be assigned content as i anxiously wonder what i'm "meant" to walk away from it with

i've lost touch with myself, i am weighed down by tendencies to make things overwrought or overintellectualized or to try to understand things or see things as they truly are or derive something innovative

there is an anxious awareness that part of childhood's unclouded perception of the world can include witnessing something atrocious but having it not stick out... & an extension of this can be the eventuality that later in life you come to find reasons that many things are atrocious, albeit with these judgments being rooted in benevolent intent! it can feel like there is no choice but to divorce oneself from pure perception, in the interest of identifying what must be opposed

i think the Tao Te Ching is right about learning by forgetting

incessantly shoring up preemptive defenses in the belief that in the moment i'm actually too dumb & undiscerning to avoid having some sincere human aspect of myself unquestioningly & uncritically wrenched out by this or that cultural phenomenon


march 15th, 2022


i will be nice. i will be nice. i'm not going to unconsciously assume selfish or ignorant intents in people who reach out to me. i'm not going to prioritize attempted understanding before living. i won't apply all benevolent intent to just determining precisely eho i need to turn my nose up at. only real niceness no internalized stepford smiles. how to declare war on falseness without declaring war on the subset of fellow human beings who carry out falseness. have to just focus on myself

forgetting an ideal i've adhered to in the past: focus only on purifying oneself so as to serve as a model - leave what i hope to serve as an antithesis of unspoken, don't sermonize against it, let my presence speak for itself. only positive modeling instead of negative condemnation. but don't overly concern myself with serving as a model either. just live & try to improve myself while acknowledging being a model as an optimistic possibility that may be made more likely by the efforts toward improvement - but keep it largely out of mind so as to let the efforts continue to be for their own sake


march 16th, 2022


Calvino describing the city of just people who "avoid nervous & complicated moods," yes, if only it were as simple as just avoiding evil & pursuing good! but, as illustrated there, a primary aspect is not letting one's pursuit of good sprout fractally into overwrought considerations, to let it be as simple as it is. & then, that pursuit of simplicity must also satisfy itself by being kept simple! there is no wiggle room, but that restriction can't be allowed to be stressful. to say "it has" to be a maintained balance imposes peril, so no doubt can be permitted - it has to be a matter of faith

the endless question: detail or sparseness?

do i strive for endless productive production of insight, the more the better, leaving no stone unturned, trying to sermonize against what i oppose on the grounds that illusions might propagate if not confronted?

or do i strive for an elegant & composed emptiness, simplicity, like saying one sentence per year, a sentence that takes a whole year to properly construct, & just living as an exception to bad things while letting the things i oppose go unspoken? that way i present the positive aspects of the bad things' absence without even having to burden anyone with considering those things

is it about quantity, precision, or both in miraculous equal measure? or i could simplify things to, "what is the ideal threshold for my censorship?" i want to pick the single best permutation of content out of all of digital infinity, it's a very arrogant goal but that is the ideal that i want to keep in mind


march 17th, 2022


i have no interest in arrogantly feeling like i understand everything, but the problem is that i don't know how to stop unconsciously reducing things i experience & encounter to flattened conceptions that feel understandable. i want to stop!


march 20th, 2022


what is there to do anywhere, i dont know, play tag with people, well what if people generally take themselves too seriously to play tag, ok well in that case i guess there really is nothing to do anywhere


i might hop out of bed, give my mind no time to catch up, fill my head with too much too quick, come to feel disconnected from my surroundings, all the lights around me feeling too bright. it can feel difficult to stay in touch with emptiness. it's not difficult, though, because the task demands only inactivity. to fail at it requires effort. to be filled with mental content can be a very empty state of being, while placid emptiness can be a very full state of being


march 21st, 2022


it can feel like every phenomenon in my life must either 1. become one of many standards that i compare everything else against, & consequently become so normalized that all of its distinguishable features fade away from overfamiliarity; or 2. be one of those things that i try to evaluate in comparison to some totality that i already know i will never have a full grasp of. in either case, there seems to be nothing to confidently think about anything

does this make sense to you? i feel funny tonight, & i like, i thought all of this & then burnt out on actually reasoning about it, but i still had the words & could type them

i get what you mean, i think. it sounds... not to use the term pejoratively. but schizotypal

there's a gap in reasoning i think. 1 says i have a bank of things that i have incorporated as standards to compare other things against, but then 2 says i go around trying to compare things to the totality of life instead of the things in that bank. so why did i bother mentioning the stuff in 1?

things are either invisible or hyperscrutinized, is how i read it. i don't think these two things need be logically consistent, in any case

oh wait i forgot a part of it

[...]

it can feel like every phenomenon in my life must either 1. become one of many standards that i compare everything else against, & consequently become so normalized that all of its distinguishable features fade away from overfamiliarity; or 2. be one of those things that i try to evaluate against the totality of life

but i already know i will never have a full grasp of that totality, so what is there really to evaluate things against? just the bank of standardized things implied by #1, & i can only acquire those things by happenstance. there seems to be nothing to confidently think about anything, i can only meander through life with the perspective afforded to me by chance, doing my best to adhere to truth, while acknowledging that it all may be lacking in some significant way

regarding the last statement: is this problematic?

no

i feel like i have a desire. not so much to necessarily make sense of or understand everything. so much as to know how everything ends. and inevitably i cannot because i'm not immortal. i like delimitations around things. i like a novel or an album that stands within itself, and doesn't have spinoffs or sequels and doesn't demand metatextual awareness of a dozen other things to be enjoyable or artistically effective. totality is ruinous and terrifying

i think i can better clarify my paragraph by tracing back to what spurred it

i received the letter with the silly activities page with jokes & a connect-the-dots. this isn't something just anyone would send me. but it's easy to become used to the temperament too

if i take it as something i'm accustomed to & measure things against (#1), this has dual positive & negative effects. the positive effect is that it provides a basis of comparison for other people's manners of engagement with me. the negative effect is that the gesture itself becomes normalized & hard to distinguish

what is the alternative? treating every event or phenomena as a unique novel thing? can you consciously control whether or not you become accustomed to something? on what scales can something be of interest or meaningful etc other than novelty, compare/contrast

i can alternately incorporate the letter into #2 & compare it against all kinds of dry or cynical demeanors i've encountered before that offered nothing, people i couldn't carry a conversation with

but then that arguably devalues the phenomena as a unique thing

no. i think the point i tried to make about #2 is the blurry thing that i burnt out on, i guess

it was based on the idea that i try to compare it to a totality of life that i don't grasp in the first place & so there is nothing to compare it to, meaning #1 & #2 each equate to a kind of snow blindness

but then i thought more & was forced to revise "totality of life" to "body of past experiences which i rely on for context & call 'totality of life,'" since for me it effectively is the totality of life. that totality can expand as i experience more, but i can never attain omniscience, & i can never know what i don't know. so that body of experiences can only be an arbitrary thing whose overall meaning is uncertain. i can never know quite how it fits into the actual unknowable totality

must it fit in? or i guess. is there any reason this event must be numinous with meaning or significance, or does it deserve or demand such. theoretical or systematic "understanding"

it's less about "understanding" & more about constructing meaning out of comparisons between experiences, & how unmoored that process can feel

i guess there is nothing to be done except to continue to experience qualia


- Neocities seems to go back to normal -


march 25th, 2022


widespread cultural milieu which incessantly pushes to train me to regard things with
a pathetic banality instead of intuitive awe that can let my backyard feel like heaven


for a very long time i was really desperate for affection, then for a while in 2020 it went away & i felt good
about that, i really felt whole in a way where i didn't feel like i needed to be completed by another person.
then it came back & i felt like something had gone wrong, like i had fallen from an ideal state

now today i think i ultimately would fear not wanting or needing affection, because for some reason
maybe now i wouldn't regard it as a feeling of wholeness but as something boring like there are
no stakes like i should want or need something so that there is a direction to go in

2020 really does feel in my memory like a second childhood, but
i feel like maybe now i have exited it just like i exited the first

but that there was a second establishes it as a fluctuating property rather than a unique Eden, so i guess it
could happen again. maybe at a moment's notice i can just reoccupy whatever attitude permitted that
time to feel that way, as long as i remember how. & i am only failing myself by not simply doing it

cluttered head

all manner of pointless concerns & considerations that don't actually help me - these may be what bog me down. i need to take
care of my internal monologue's character. no automatic snideness or anything of the sort. nothing acerbic nothing sardonic.
the Tao Te Ching, learn by forgetting, orient self toward simplicity rather than density of content, become empty like a child


march 26th, 2022


i think i might represent a dynamic where i feel like i am coming off as good because i feel like i am devoting a lot
of thought to dissecting & combating bad things which feel omnipresent all around me, when, really, my persistent
feeling of being surrounded by bad things just seems to indicate that there is something wrong with me, &
my frequent reflection of them in my expressions just imparts an alienating direness to my character

telling a friend one good joke is probably better than a thousand overwrought written expressions
of protest against cynicism or conditioning or what-have-you. one joke has a lot more
direct relevance to everyday life, a lot more immediate positive effect on it


march 27th, 2022


it's a pretty morning & i can hear birds outside. i don't want things to feel dire. alone here, i am the situation's entire
awareness, & i don't want its awareness to be its conversion into direness, an immense perversion. i am crying in
pained sympathy for my setting & its tranquility - over the tragedy that, if i can't be happy, then i can't serve it
as its conscious apprehension & validation. relief is in the outside, in only the outside, in being the outside,
in self-dissolution. i don't want to be a feeling subject that can commit this sort of neglectful perversion,
i only want to be conscious, i want to be at most an impersonal locus where all things' sensory
signals of themselves which they radiate are taken in & compared to one another


march 29th, 2022


i find myself at an unanticipated moment where i am as empty as a child, viewing a stretch of grass, one like any other, the way
i did when i was young. the moment is pure practice without deliberation or articulation, wordless & immediate, solitary, pure

all the things which typically distract me from this delightful emptiness begin creeping to mind. to speak any
of their names would shatter the moment. they approach not with a manner of clear & obvious antagonistic
intrusion, but disguised, as things i feel an intuitive urge to benevolently diagnose & speak out against

i think of running home, of decrying these things, of delineating & dissecting them, dispatching
them, trying to warn everyone so that they can wave them away & feel this childlike feeling
too. i love this feeling. i love people. i want them to have access to this feeling i love

but i acknowledge that this would also shatter the moment. i consider the notion that there are
understandings which can only be meaningfully retained if i suppress the urge to run back & try
to share what i've found
. in fact, the mere act of apprehending the distractions in my mind so
as to consider them on these terms makes them pollutants in the emptiness i've attained

i acknowledge that what i tend to project out onto the world, onto the stretches of grass & buildings & sky, what tends to blind me
to the world as i walk along the sidewalk, is not these various distractions in & of themselves, but the distractions as considered
within this framework of trying to develop the greatest means of snuffing them out, rationalizing them, doing away with them

it is my love for that empty feeling which blossoms into these overwrought considerations:
an overprotective mania which proceeds to overshadow the feeling, to distract from it. in this
way, the feeling negates itself unless i'm willing to reflect back to it its own total simplicity

in spite of everything, i sprint home to type all of this

Wittgenstein's ladder? think about the distracting ideas only for precisely the duration needed
to wield them in the process of annihilating any & all inclination to think about them further?


march 30th, 2022


this really does have to stop, i really do have to resolve this residual
contradiction that i am passively allowing in my manner of operation

the contradiction is this: prizing experiential immediacy,
& vouching for it through contradictorily diffuse &
mediated means of communication, like blog posts

i go to my blog & i clear off the "bad posts," implicitly framing the rest as "good
posts," implicitly vouching for this splitting of myself facilitated by social media,
this self-portrait which psychologically lingers after i walk away from the computer

my ideal of experiential immediacy sacrifices its authenticity in the process of attempting to
vouch for itself in some invested public manner. what compels me to make this sacrifice is
a residual concern for whoever may be at the other end of this diffuse communication

that is a reasonable concern, i guess, which owes to a general want to
try to do good by the means that are available to me - to at least
try to disperse humane ideas & manners of engagement

i don't know if i can in good conscience permit this central contradiction, though. it is a rough conundrum. i am sacrificing
my own experiential immediacy, & if anyone likes what i type, then i am incentivizing them to sacrifice theirs, perhaps

it seems like the ideal of experiential immediacy can only become real in obscurity. one must largely find it
for themselves. it is like the Tao: there are no words for it, it lives in the reality which words seek only to portray.
it gathers in unpopular places. it is everywhere, at all times, readily accessible & usable, yet it evades any search for it

Wittgenstein's ladder. the immediate & unarticulated practice of looking at the stretch of grass a day or two ago. text post


april 1st, 2022


an idea i think is kind of funny is that i think capitalism is really awesome in every alternate timeline where i don't
specifically live with my brother & become traumatized (jesting hyperbole) by an entire lifetime of having to watch
him present as someone who cares about nothing beyond money & gambling & clickbait videos about aliens etc.


april 4th, 2022


oh no i've caught myself unconsciously constructing & accepting vague & dire narratives about myself again. i've surely been doing
it for several weeks, at least. it's never a very complicated narrative, it is essentially always just "i grow more bleak" or "i grow
more cynical" or "inevitably i grow more frustrated & dry." none of this has to happen as long as i refuse the narrative

meandering in a stale space. no real forward motion. the "space" is a metaphorical space defined by
proximity to various concepts. this particular space is an aftermath that i haven't found the path out of


i can regulate myself, but i can't regulate others, nor do i want to. but this means that, in spite of
all the efforts i can make, once i come into proximity with someone i like then the degree to which
their nature is at odds with my regulation becomes the degree to which my regulation crumbles


i should have talked to the man in the bar last night who loudly said, in response to the
programming that was being played, "yer playing women's basketball?! hauhauhauhau!!!"

it might go without saying that i felt no need to actually condone or confront the sexism, or anything like that, because
it seemed far more straightforward to identify that this comment could have in the first place only come from a living
cartoon character who i couldn't see myself ever relating to or meaningfully engaging with. where do you even start?

so my imperative to talk to the man was not rooted in anything resembling "establishing frank dialogue with the 'other side'"
or anything like that. no "other side" was meaningfully present here, for the particular view that the man expressed was
only an irrelevant footnote to the comment's apparent suspension in a vacuum of separation from any frank engagement
with reality, populated only by the kinds of values & standards & tensions found in Hallmark greeting cards. it felt
less like he was meaningfully stereotyping women & more like he was reflecting his place in a personal reality
where women were not specially exempt from the fundamental stereotyping of absolutely everything

this is why i should have talked to him, to remind myself that i really can talk to the most inane-seeming people, & try to engage
with them as honestly as i possibly can, for the exercise if nothing else. i can always at least try to approach & participate in
anything, anything at all, & just experiment. it is very easy for me to forget in all situations that i can speak or act in any way.
the entire breadth of independent action beyond walking from place to place is a thing that i am not very acclimated to

i should have sat down & mildly prompted him to elaborate on his opinion, just to open up conversational
potentials. life really can be active & bleeding & dynamic constantly if i am just willing to exist & be an agent

i'm supposed to break the habit of trying to make sense of the world purely through passive spectation.
things become fact for me & are never challenged. it was vital that i leave the bar with there having
at least been an opportunity for the "cartoon character" evaluation to have been challenged firsthand

insofar as there really was an "other side" to confront, it was the entire unspoken unreality propagated by society which
underlied the man's superficial claims. if i were really ambitious, i could seek to confront that. i don't think it would be
easy, though. it might be an unanticipated leap in the conversation's abstraction & degree of commitment to real dialogue


i'll reiterate that my present belief is that there is a general social system at play which, by way of cultural currents that
present severely handicapped standards for general consideration & activity & dialogue, essentially reduces people to cartoon
characters in their social presentation. & that the result of this is people coming to unconsciously resent one another for being
alienating cartoon characters putting so little dynamic humanity on offer. the resentment develops on this unconscious basis,
& is attributed to conscious bases - petty & superficial disagreements & differences, often political oppositions

i don't see this as a consciously maintained system in any way, but insofar as an "aim" can be ascribed to
it, i believe it is that state of meaningless social fragmentation whose survival depends on a general
continuous failure to identify that actual source of resentment, to make it conscious & eliminate it


if my creativity wanes, then i cannot employ it towards being nice to people, & things will move towards stagnation. if i can
employ a constant creativity towards being nice to people, then things will generally become happier & better. there is no
surefire way of maintaining real creativity, because routine & ritual are antithetical to the spontaneity of creativity.
there is a constant war to wage against entropy, & no tactics to be found, only discrete sums of ingenuity, each
unique, to be summoned in acts of constant improvisation. & a bottomless hole to toss them into


april 6th, 2022


i think a problem of mine is that i think that everything essentially has a childhood. for instance
i think all of my social relationships have childhoods & then each begins succumbing to
entropy. this provides everything with a prophecy that risks becoming self-fulfilling


the rush to scrutinize any dynamic phenomenon's inevitable dissimilarity to some
fixed ideal becomes most tricky with memory, where the outcomes of all dynamic
phenomena continuously become the fixed ideals on which further scrutiny is based


april 7th, 2022


when i show someone a song i like, i create an opportunity for them to casually make comments on it
& those comments risk adhering to the song & making it cease to be what it was when i first heard it


[link] < i don't know what to feel when i see those pictures. the things described in the picture are all good things to
do, but they usually reach me in a context where i "should" think the picture is dumb cause i'm supposed to recognize
that it circulates on facebook or something. i "should" think the picture is dumb, but not the things it describes
doing. but why should i think the picture is dumb if it promotes things i don't think are dumb?

i think i am supposed to dislike the trite & impersonal quality, particularly how it is replacing any actual unique interpersonal
formation & communication of the sentiments with merely the circulation of a picture. certainly representations of communication
in place of actual communication are a very sickening disease. or maybe, because of the feeling it gives off, i'm supposed
to imagine it circulating among lots of people who don't know how to really see any magic in life & have some
shallow imitation of it in mind when they share the picture maybe. who knows?!?!?!

"every situation is a song" < maybe the most trite statement ever unless i juxtapose it with how you can replace the
notes in maple leaf rag with atonal samples & still retain the underlying juxtapositions that are essential to the
composition in some way, & from there generalize to the idea that every life situation is a juxtaposition
of elements that can be taken like abstracted sets of chords & melodies, or anything else

& then, i originally typed this in a discord channel, & the unprompted verbosity of the messages is kind of in-my-own-head, in
a way that's kind of open to a defusingly irreverent reply. & that has a similar bent to the picture i linked. irreverent replies
kind of regroup the tone back at something. but it's questionable if there's really anything to regroup back at. it's weird.
what is that "baseline" that irreverence takes things back to? maybe there is none, maybe there is nothing to really grip onto

it's not quite in my nature to treat things bathetically, i think. bathos is a comedic reduction, but for
the thing that's treated bathetically to be "reduced," it has to be "more" in some way, implicitly,
in the first place. what is it more than? does it have to be more? can't it just be what it is?


april 8th, 2022


i'm getting way too prone to trying to make sense of things in relation to general models that aren't flexible
enough, like referring to perceived cultural currents & flows of cultural attention & obscurity & economic
incentives & cultural cheapening & stuff like that. dogmatic i guess. once i stop applying the
models things just become inarticulably horrible instead of articulably horrible though

yesterday during my car ride to school i considered that the larger your scope when trying to think about society,
the more consistently bad it is. then the more you narrow your scope down to an individual life, the more it
becomes a chaotic mixture of good & bad things congealing out of the overall badness, like microscopic fuzz

i can just think about the small & big scales at different times, i don't always have to keep
one in mind as i think about the other. they have different standards which don't mesh

the endless tension: i want to restrict myself to cares that are wholly local, individual, & private, because that seems like
the most thorough way of rejecting all the grand-scale nonsense that mentally tears me away from my actual life & leaves
me stuck in abstractions. but i feel like doing that & maintaining no attempts to understand very wide-scale social currents
& means of social control ironically leaves me more vulnerable to becoming nothing more than a reflection
of those currents & possibly failing to really live, since i neglected to negate them in myself

april 7th, 2022
the difference is that
they can regard bizarre activities, that are totally removed from reality, as mediums - very unusual
mediums, but essentially mediums like any other - on which an indomitable & playful human spirit can nonetheless play
out in stark contrast to the alienated environment that hosts it. while
i fear that the medium could twist the spirit itself into
a bizarre thing totally removed from reality, duped out of even
wanting to really live. & i very well may be worse off

is simply having as much fun as possible regardless of any cheapening of life
that may or may not be present ultimately the most human thing one can do?

can accepting that position & throwing oneself headlong into that style of
engagement open one to the risk of accepting degraded standards of "fun?"

if i'm going to keep using websites, i think i need to start ublocking things until i'm exposed to little
enough weird accelerated geographically untethered culture that i don't have an urge to confront it anymore

on youtube, i've already removed all view counts, recommended content, & amounts of
likes on videos or comments. i might remove comment sections entirely. maybe
i'll remove reviews, comments, & average ratings from rateyourmusic too

i'm usually confronting elements of culture that have come to live in my head more than
they live in front of my eyes anyway. i need to try harder to simply keep my mind
on things i actually like. i need to try harder to put intrusions out of mind


april 11th, 2022


i think when i send people bad things like screenshots of websites or pictures involving internet
personalities then the things they subsequently say to me feel marginally more acceptant of
cynicism & then i have to send them enough good things like paintings to make it okay again


april 13th, 2022


everything is crowded with garbage so i put a bunch of concentration into isolating myself from all that garbage
so that all the neural pathways between my daily life & various hunks of garbage would eventually decay & my
trains of thought wouldn't feel burdened anymore, derailing into recitations of garbage & subsequent needs
to spit at that garbage, cynically parody it, or do whatever seems called for just to feel for a moment
that i've coped with the existence of all that garbage that i can't voluntarily forget

tired of the ritual of paying attention to plainly detestable things seemingly
out of just a bored lack of having found anything actually worth appreciating

why is trying to just focus on what one actually in their heart likes seemingly so foreign


i've been circling around the notion that one can in a sense "hate everything" without really being cynical because
that "everything" is such a vast & generally repulsive singular body that never should have intruded into one's
headspace & is worth hating on that basis alone. i should be able to just walk somewhere nice & feel connected
to my surroundings & have things i love without persistently having at the ready some entire trashy
psychic world in my memory to lose myself in at some random & unfortunate cue


i can't... reverse on anything. each of my "maybe i'm taking it too seriously"s quickly becomes a "no, to
take it any less seriously would be an acquiescence of some kind." & in this way things generally continue
to feel progressively more fraught. i am convinced some kind of transcendent (really just once-normal)
happiness lies at the horizon that is "a sufficiently thorough rejection"


i've been circling around the notion...

maybe i should disavow this approach & vow to try to see the good in all media that i might find bad as a whole - this
in the interest of ceding no ground, of making no exceptions in consistently trying to see good. don't know what to do



"the skeleton is the relatively dead part of an organism, & because of this it is also the part relatively immune to dissolution. which is another way of saying that the
hard parts of an organic body are those most isolated from the communicative general-economic flows of its metabolism, but also the parts it most faithfully
transmits into the future. the residues of life follow upon a pre-emptive compromise with death; what remains of life is only the disloyal part of itself"


april 15th, 2022


i think a problem of mine is that i think that everything essentially has a childhood. for instance i think all of my social relationships
have childhoods & then each begins succumbing to entropy. this provides everything with a prophecy that risks becoming self-fulfilling

lately i think i am suffering for a neglect in ironing out my relationship to death. i don't want to align myself with death, i do want to align myself with
life in the end, but i... with everything following the general rule of destabilization, one can only prioritize preservation so much before... well, as one
progressively assigns more priority to preservation, progressively sets their sights higher, the chance of that preservation's general success would
continuously diminish. & a person ultimately has to negotiate with themselves where a certain threshold of prioritization is, a threshold past which
all they can do is constantly worry, to begin worrying from the moment the tiniest grains of entropy make their way into anything, grains they might
have truly stood no chance of keeping away - this is why it would be a maddening commitment to want to see the most miraculous outcome of any
situation... the practice of creating pockets of reduced entropy & trying to push the reduction within those pockets to its limit. shelters



a stranger in a discord server:

"thats interesting& thought provoking , i have some notes from when i tried to define 'friendship' and one of them is that obviously shared history is a key that the content of gets added to and complicated through the branchial interactions made with someone you're friends with, who's a friend of a friend, who you would like to be friends with, all the qualities of friendmaking & friendkeeping one can subdivide into specific categories. but these things are made so essential in retrospect, as if in the process of entropic deconstruction we lose the ability to cherish what our friendships consisted of while they were negentropically educible. so it isnt ONLY that, theres something more in them that ignores limits and outcomes of inevitable destruction while they're still with us and still beautiful

i think that all it requires is paradigm shift

everything is indeed meaningful when it branches out from the basic differences between man vs man, brother vs brother, woman vs man, and mindsets that preclude such feuds

one of the problems is that the world can make us more and more brutally aware of our lives in their differences

so escaping sociological death is as simple to me as consistently reinforcing sociological life until the end and beyond it

its reaffirmed through resentment of death

it can never be predominantly one or the other if you resent death and consistently rethink your strategies of living in alignment with romantic preservation"


april 25th, 2022


the dusk light is just as calm as it was when i was a child, it's just rhythms in
my head that make it frantic. it's my own feet that produce the constant motion


april 27th, 2022


someone who used to think they were a broken person because they felt so empty, until they came to believe
that their emptiness was the stoic & real emptiness of nature & life, visible when not obfuscated by the world's
urgings to fill it, & they were a fool to follow those urgings & strive so intently to negate the gift they had