for when it seems worth saving, but i can't tie it to any of the unifying threads which justify other dedicated webpages. maybe i will discern a thread to tie it to. maybe it & others will coalesce into a brand new thread


january 7th, 2022


the act of writing a music review & how it can almost inevitably feel like watering a thing
down to its particularly expressible aspects, i.e. precisely where much of the power isn't


january 8th, 2022


Perspective


january 10th, 2022


sometimes i want to come on tumblr & type something like, "being alive is good." but i start to worry that i would
just be saying it from a place of fortune or privilege, & that it might feel a bit alienating for someone who just
can't help but to be having a deeply bad time at the time they read it. but just this once, i am going to be
presumptuous & say this scandalous thing, if you all can forgive me... being alive is good


january 13th, 2022


Perspective


january 14th, 2022


when i'm alone i like to revel in trying to do dances that look as jerky & possessed & perhaps lacking general aesthetic appeal
of dancing as possible. in my room i have a tiny i pentomino of floor space, where if i really spazzed out i would kick my wall
bed etc, & i would not want to do that. but i got out of breath from how much i compensatorily spazzed my limbs around
within that space. i have to start exercising again... i was at least running one mile on an elliptical treadmill per day for
a long time. that night when i was going crazy down the street & making explosion sounds in the graveyard
& everything was so crazy good. & i made it so crazy good without anything or anyone


january 21st, 2022


i want to believe that if all people are maximally honest, then, to some degree, the whole of life, taken as one entity made
up of the wills of all people, shifts cleanly into the particular shape that it yearns for. it is a muscle aiming to contract
into a position it already knows, & each grain of dishonesty from each person is another pin holding it in place


january 26th, 2022


feel so messed up, behaviorally messed up. it shouldn't be so hard to read, even things i genuinely want to read, want to seek
enrichment in. don't want to endlessly check the duration left of a movie or a video. i shouldn't have to rely on percentages.
i shouldn't be sectioning my schoolwork into benchmarks i can track percentages of progress through. i shouldn't have to gamify
everything & make everything a network of rewards. i am replacing the qualities of what i'm doing with quantitative systems.
i need detoxification from dopaminergic qualities that seem inherent to the mediums that i use to communicate with everyone
i know. i feel like i'm not alive if it is the case that i do things in service of attached quantities rather than their inherent
experiential qualities, i am not a person if that is why i am willing to do a substantial number of things that i do


january 29th, 2022


tiny seeds of a hoarding disorder nestled in my head since perhaps sixth grade, at the latest. like when i didn't
want to throw away the cardboard box my record player came in. or just now, an empty candy cane box
from my pal's visit, a special event. or my browser tabs. i'll get around to reading this wikipedia page...

or a random object which i forget to throw away for a week, & when i go to throw it away i think,
"people usually don't hold onto this category of object for even a week. if i still have it in ten years,
it'll be the special one i've held onto for ten years." or i can annihilate that decade in that moment

i have no use for these textbooks, but they represent past semesters. some things can be triggers
of mundane memories i might otherwise lose - memories which can feel like parts of me

objects need to be "resolved," either placed where they belong or discarded. sometimes it is not clear
where something could belong other than precisely where it is sitting. but in sitting where it is, it may
be occupying some of my mental real estate, in terms of my room being an extension of my brain

our plastic cups, still on my dresser - they unconsciously became a permanent fixture...
they can go in the kitchen cupboard, become general purpose rather than memorabilia

-

i feel like there are ways in which i need to grow. i am intimidated by them. i have to grow out... of
compulsively distracting myself with very un-visceral rigid processes like... spreadsheets, & playlists

i have to grow out of... excessive attachment to objects. i am picturing a situation where i have had a little
trinket for six years, & in a friendly interaction i amicably go "here, take this," & give it to someone.
i can't have anything going on in my head that inhibits that sort of casual freedom...

it is akin to wanting the freedom to paint a painting just to burn it, to display to myself
my lack of restrictive attachment. a sad ritual sacrifice to the ideal of freedom, in a way

&... i have to grow out of not expecting to pay a book or a film the duration of attention that corresponds
to the feeling, knowledge, or insight that i would ideally like to gain from it. breakfast of champions
took me about... seven months, even though i genuinely liked every bit of the book i read

-

"growing out" of these things would largely be about... recovering spontaneity & impulse. it is like, in setting up all my
various routines, i am constructing new entire behavioral pens & enclosed lanes for myself without even noticing, it
is second nature... speaking abstractly: i think the best way i can imagine living conjures in my head an image of
abruptly skipping towards something, & a spreadsheet feels a bit antithetical to skipping toward something

that something would lie outside of my established plan for the situation in which i saw it! i would skip
toward it because i am not attaching sufficiently to the routine for it to be something that confines
me. i am not putting the cold certainty of the routine over opportunities & experimentation

i think one of my persistent fears is of becoming an inversion of myself, of acquiring a condition where my
natural, relaxed state is that of self-inversion... creating enough unconscious compromises & repressions
& distractions that i might have to actively controvert them just to exist in a natural manner, even briefly

-

the sense of how... for anything to happen, things have to be open to chaos. it can be difficult to keep everything
open to chaos, but that's how it is. things have to mingle. the world is rife with all the ingredients needed
for constant experiential chemical explosions. they can only be kept from each other by boundaries...

a circumstance, a way of living, can only become a closed set if it is sealed by something rigid, a filter, a procedure,
a censor, a routine, & from there it... possesses stability, which can be productive, but the stability goes hand-in-hand
with the danger of stagnation. it has to be possible for something very alien to come in & knock us into some direction
totally perpendicular to where we were heading prior. that's the only way for diversity of experience to survive

i want to believe that if all people are maximally honest, then, to some degree, the whole of life, taken as one entity made
up of the wills of all people, shifts cleanly into the particular shape that it yearns for. it is a muscle aiming to contract
into a position it already knows, & each grain of dishonesty from each person is another pin holding it in place

it's like this! honesty is an open channel, & repression is a closed channel, for all the flows of intent


february 1st, 2022


the comfortable stillness of a hand embedded in a thorn thicket


february 17th, 2022


Perspective


february 19th, 2022


i'm not super crazy about the act of parodying something. i like to apply a sense of humor to things, of course! but specifically
"parody" is a thing i feel scared away from, because i feel i have seen it totally override too many people's whole engagements
with life... sometimes i don't have very much patience for it, & i feel like people i talk to are being much too quick to do it,
even if i really like them. it would be inane to express that feeling, though, i think. i am not going to slap at someone's hand
with a ruler & make them take something seriously. but in myself i need a middle ground between the extremes of...
being humorless & taking myself far too seriously, versus just making everything completely bathetic...


- at this point, something happens to Neocities which causes any change i make to a page to display immediately for others, but with a
delay of about twenty-five minutes for me. this breaks my established workflow & forces me to abandoned the "centered paragaphs" formatting -


february 19th, 2022


no more sarcasm ever, i vow to rigidly stick to only conveying sentences that i actually think are true, or that i am at least willing to suggest might be true. if i stick to this then things will not start to become dicey


march 1st, 2022


i think having your thought patterns affected by excessive internet usage & then seeking to relate to other people around that condition is one of the biggest traps you can fall into maybe... like it doesn't have to end bad & can probably be productive even but uh. watch out! ...risk of a situation where the ability to relate serves as an initial mutual lure before the shared thought patterns just compound on each other & produce the distinct opposite of detoxification. seems like this would generalize to a bunch of other conditions i guess


march 8th, 2022


i don't like saying when i feel annoyed by a thing that a person i like is doing, because when people have called things annoying it has always felt to me like a kind of personal & independent statement that they are making socially, rather than them having no choice but to report what is just a kind of objective state in themselves that they can't really help. so if i do it i feel both mean & like control of my expression is being wrested away from me, like rather than consciously navigating the social dynamic i'm just watching from outside myself as the dynamic sucks me through it & obliges me to speak like a person who i don't feel like i am


when i hear about wars & atrocities & tragedies i don't actually feel anything, particularly nothing that might elicit a visceral drive to educate myself on them. there is a drive, but to the extent that it's present it comes from a purely disciplinary place where i mostly just don't want to feel disconnected from the world i live in compared to those around me, as opposed to a positive drive to feel as connected as i can. even if it was something really close to home, like a friend telling me that a friend of theirs had just died, i think i would probably respond with an unconscious emotional dissociation from the situation that i wouldn't really know how not to do. i don't know why this is or how i could remedy it

i have this tenuous armchair theory which is that i got on the internet & read about the holocaust & stuff when i was little, & i had to process the mind-crushing badness of that stuff while still being sheltered & couched enough in material comforts & all the escapist tendencies shoved in my face by basically every nook & cranny of the culture surrounding me that i couldn't fully process those degrees of loss. & also i completely lacked any friends or family who i really in my heart actually connected with so i couldn't do this like, primal empathy process where i mentally substitute in the person i care about & emotionally grasp it that way. so maybe i shorted out this part of my brain in that way


march 20th, 2022


i think the general sentiment towards the enormous wealth of unpleasant things on the internet that i think the most is "please stop. all you have to do is stop. i doubt any of this is even very compulsive, so it's not even a matter of repressing it, literally all you have to do is assume a state of comparative relaxation in ceasing to put effort into doing this arbitrary thing. it would be an entirely beneficial process which would cost nothing. only the slightest opposite momentum is distracting you from enacting it. you can cancel out the momentum with a flick of a finger. stop. that's the only thing you have to do. stop"


- Neocities seems to go back to normal -


april 1st, 2022


a person has something that they'd well & truly rather not think about. naturally, though, this leads to
them periodically thinking about it within the framework of apprehending the risk that they might think
about it, & thinking about how they might avoid it. each of these thoughts about the thought constitutes
a quantitative increase in times that the thought has been thought. this makes the thought demonstrably
more real as one that they tend to think, & seems to heighten the severity of the matter. this doesn't
seem fair, but it carries on as a sort of runaway process of positive feedback, until a certain critical
point. at this point, the thought passes from being a thought that they think purely in the interest of
avoiding it, to being a thought that they additionally think on the grounds of it being something they
have thought so much. at this point it is thoroughly enshrined, becomes thoroughly diffuse in their
mentality. this process of enshrinement & diffusion is a drastic one, yet it seems to have arisen
from something as un-drastic & mundane as this logic which seems to have arisen from the
simple & unassuming process of trying to have avoided the thought in the first place