for when it seems worth saving, but i can't tie it to any of the unifying threads which justify other dedicated webpages. maybe i will discern a thread to tie it to. maybe it & others will coalesce into a brand new thread

january 7th, 2022

the act of writing a music review & how it can almost inevitably feel like watering a thing
down to its particularly expressible aspects, i.e. precisely where much of the power isn't

january 8th, 2022


january 10th, 2022

sometimes i want to come on tumblr & type something like, "being alive is good." but i start to worry that i would
just be saying it from a place of fortune or privilege, & that it might feel a bit alienating for someone who just
can't help but to be having a deeply bad time at the time they read it. but just this once, i am going to be
presumptuous & say this scandalous thing, if you all can forgive me... being alive is good

january 13th, 2022


january 14th, 2022

when i'm alone i like to revel in trying to do dances that look as jerky & possessed & perhaps lacking general aesthetic appeal
of dancing as possible. in my room i have a tiny i pentomino of floor space, where if i really spazzed out i would kick my wall
bed etc, & i would not want to do that. but i got out of breath from how much i compensatorily spazzed my limbs around
within that space. i have to start exercising again... i was at least running one mile on an elliptical treadmill per day for
a long time. that night when i was going crazy down the street & making explosion sounds in the graveyard
& everything was so crazy good. & i made it so crazy good without anything or anyone

january 21st, 2022

i want to believe that if all people are maximally honest, then, to some degree, the whole of life, taken as one entity made
up of the wills of all people, shifts cleanly into the particular shape that it yearns for. it is a muscle aiming to contract
into a position it already knows, & each grain of dishonesty from each person is another pin holding it in place

january 26th, 2022

feel so messed up, behaviorally messed up. it shouldn't be so hard to read, even things i genuinely want to read, want to seek
enrichment in. don't want to endlessly check the duration left of a movie or a video. i shouldn't have to rely on percentages.
i shouldn't be sectioning my schoolwork into benchmarks i can track percentages of progress through. i shouldn't have to gamify
everything & make everything a network of rewards. i am replacing the qualities of what i'm doing with quantitative systems.
i need detoxification from dopaminergic qualities that seem inherent to the mediums that i use to communicate with everyone
i know. i feel like i'm not alive if it is the case that i do things in service of attached quantities rather than their inherent
experiential qualities, i am not a person if that is why i am willing to do a substantial number of things that i do

january 29th, 2022

tiny seeds of a hoarding disorder nestled in my head since perhaps sixth grade, at the latest. like when i didn't
want to throw away the cardboard box my record player came in. or just now, an empty candy cane box
from my pal's visit, a special event. or my browser tabs. i'll get around to reading this wikipedia page...

or a random object which i forget to throw away for a week, & when i go to throw it away i think,
"people usually don't hold onto this category of object for even a week. if i still have it in ten years,
it'll be the special one i've held onto for ten years." or i can annihilate that decade in that moment

i have no use for these textbooks, but they represent past semesters. some things can be triggers
of mundane memories i might otherwise lose - memories which can feel like parts of me

objects need to be "resolved," either placed where they belong or discarded. sometimes it is not clear
where something could belong other than precisely where it is sitting. but in sitting where it is, it may
be occupying some of my mental real estate, in terms of my room being an extension of my brain

our plastic cups, still on my dresser - they unconsciously became a permanent fixture...
they can go in the kitchen cupboard, become general purpose rather than memorabilia


i feel like there are ways in which i need to grow. i am intimidated by them. i have to grow out... of
compulsively distracting myself with very un-visceral rigid processes like... spreadsheets, & playlists

i have to grow out of... excessive attachment to objects. i am picturing a situation where i have had a little
trinket for six years, & in a friendly interaction i amicably go "here, take this," & give it to someone.
i can't have anything going on in my head that inhibits that sort of casual freedom...

it is akin to wanting the freedom to paint a painting just to burn it, to display to myself
my lack of restrictive attachment. a sad ritual sacrifice to the ideal of freedom, in a way

&... i have to grow out of not expecting to pay a book or a film the duration of attention that corresponds
to the feeling, knowledge, or insight that i would ideally like to gain from it. breakfast of champions
took me about... seven months, even though i genuinely liked every bit of the book i read


"growing out" of these things would largely be about... recovering spontaneity & impulse. it is like, in setting up all my
various routines, i am constructing new entire behavioral pens & enclosed lanes for myself without even noticing, it
is second nature... speaking abstractly: i think the best way i can imagine living conjures in my head an image of
abruptly skipping towards something, & a spreadsheet feels a bit antithetical to skipping toward something

that something would lie outside of my established plan for the situation in which i saw it! i would skip
toward it because i am not attaching sufficiently to the routine for it to be something that confines
me. i am not putting the cold certainty of the routine over opportunities & experimentation

i think one of my persistent fears is of becoming an inversion of myself, of acquiring a condition where my
natural, relaxed state is that of self-inversion... creating enough unconscious compromises & repressions
& distractions that i might have to actively controvert them just to exist in a natural manner, even briefly


the sense of how... for anything to happen, things have to be open to chaos. it can be difficult to keep everything
open to chaos, but that's how it is. things have to mingle. the world is rife with all the ingredients needed
for constant experiential chemical explosions. they can only be kept from each other by boundaries...

a circumstance, a way of living, can only become a closed set if it is sealed by something rigid, a filter, a procedure,
a censor, a routine, & from there it... possesses stability, which can be productive, but the stability goes hand-in-hand
with the danger of stagnation. it has to be possible for something very alien to come in & knock us into some direction
totally perpendicular to where we were heading prior. that's the only way for diversity of experience to survive

i want to believe that if all people are maximally honest, then, to some degree, the whole of life, taken as one entity made
up of the wills of all people, shifts cleanly into the particular shape that it yearns for. it is a muscle aiming to contract
into a position it already knows, & each grain of dishonesty from each person is another pin holding it in place

it's like this! honesty is an open channel, & repression is a closed channel, for all the flows of intent

february 1st, 2022

the comfortable stillness of a hand embedded in a thorn thicket

february 17th, 2022


february 19th, 2022

i'm not super crazy about the act of parodying something. i like to apply a sense of humor to things, of course! but specifically
"parody" is a thing i feel scared away from, because i feel i have seen it totally override too many people's whole engagements
with life... sometimes i don't have very much patience for it, & i feel like people i talk to are being much too quick to do it,
even if i really like them. it would be inane to express that feeling, though, i think. i am not going to slap at someone's hand
with a ruler & make them take something seriously. but in myself i need a middle ground between the extremes of...
being humorless & taking myself far too seriously, versus just making everything completely bathetic...

- at this point, something happens to Neocities which causes any change i make to a page to display immediately for others, but with a
delay of about twenty-five minutes for me. this breaks my established workflow & forces me to abandoned the "centered paragaphs" formatting -

february 19th, 2022

no more sarcasm ever, i vow to rigidly stick to only conveying sentences that i actually think are true, or that i am at least willing to suggest might be true. if i stick to this then things will not start to become dicey

march 1st, 2022

i think having your thought patterns affected by excessive internet usage & then seeking to relate to other people around that condition is one of the biggest traps you can fall into maybe... like it doesn't have to end bad & can probably be productive even but uh. watch out! ...risk of a situation where the ability to relate serves as an initial mutual lure before the shared thought patterns just compound on each other & produce the distinct opposite of detoxification. seems like this would generalize to a bunch of other conditions i guess

march 8th, 2022

i don't like saying when i feel annoyed by a thing that a person i like is doing, because when people have called things annoying it has always felt to me like a kind of personal & independent statement that they are making socially, rather than them having no choice but to report what is just a kind of objective state in themselves that they can't really help. so if i do it i feel both mean & like control of my expression is being wrested away from me, like rather than consciously navigating the social dynamic i'm just watching from outside myself as the dynamic sucks me through it & obliges me to speak like a person who i don't feel like i am

when i hear about wars & atrocities & tragedies i don't actually feel anything, particularly nothing that might elicit a visceral drive to educate myself on them. there is a drive, but to the extent that it's present it comes from a purely disciplinary place where i mostly just don't want to feel disconnected from the world i live in compared to those around me, as opposed to a positive drive to feel as connected as i can. even if it was something really close to home, like a friend telling me that a friend of theirs had just died, i think i would probably respond with an unconscious emotional dissociation from the situation that i wouldn't really know how not to do. i don't know why this is or how i could remedy it

i have this tenuous armchair theory which is that i got on the internet & read about the holocaust & stuff when i was little, & i had to process the mind-crushing badness of that stuff while still being sheltered & couched enough in material comforts & all the escapist tendencies shoved in my face by basically every nook & cranny of the culture surrounding me that i couldn't fully process those degrees of loss. & also i completely lacked any friends or family who i really in my heart actually connected with so i couldn't do this like, primal empathy process where i mentally substitute in the person i care about & emotionally grasp it that way. so maybe i shorted out this part of my brain in that way

march 20th, 2022

i think the general sentiment towards the enormous wealth of unpleasant things on the internet that i think the most is "please stop. all you have to do is stop. i doubt any of this is even very compulsive, so it's not even a matter of repressing it, literally all you have to do is assume a state of comparative relaxation in ceasing to put effort into doing this arbitrary thing. it would be an entirely beneficial process which would cost nothing. only the slightest opposite momentum is distracting you from enacting it. you can cancel out the momentum with a flick of a finger. stop. that's the only thing you have to do. stop"

- Neocities seems to go back to normal -

april 1st, 2022

a person has something that they'd well & truly rather not think about. naturally, though, this leads to
them periodically thinking about it within the framework of apprehending the risk that they might think
about it, & thinking about how they might avoid it. each of these thoughts about the thought constitutes
a quantitative increase in times that the thought has been thought. this makes the thought demonstrably
more real as one that they tend to think, & seems to heighten the severity of the matter. this doesn't
seem fair, but it carries on as a sort of runaway process of positive feedback, until a certain critical
point. at this point, the thought passes from being a thought that they think purely in the interest of
avoiding it, to being a thought that they additionally think on the grounds of it being something they
have thought so much. at this point it is thoroughly enshrined, becomes thoroughly diffuse in their
mentality. this process of enshrinement & diffusion is a drastic one, yet it seems to have arisen
from something as un-drastic & mundane as this logic which seems to have arisen from the
simple & unassuming process of trying to have avoided the thought in the first place

may 6th, 2022

i just instantly read every book ever written now i can post every existing written expression
of things i already believe without having to accept culpability for any of the statements

may 12th, 2022

sugar is such a quintessentially good sweet thing & it's sad to me that i can't really think about it in
good terms since nearly every substantial application of it in sight seems to be people stuffing
snacks with it so excessively that it just sickens me & makes me militant about my intake

may 15th, 2022

one of the worst things i can imagine doing is watching some kind of mundane footage or general documentation of a person who i know did
some atrocious thing at some point after the recording, then looking at a video or photo of myself from a time when i feel i was doing pretty
well & imagining it having the same quality of benignity lacking any superficial inconsistency but underscored by ominous external context

i think i type obvious social phenomena in big paragraphs that are bigger than how simple & recognizable the
phenomena are because i was socially reclusive during the life period where people acknowledge & relate around
these basic elements of alienation & now i have only reemerged when all that anyone ever says is things that
are like ninth-order derivations of those initial awarenesses so none of it ever becomes clearly
socially authenticated for me as real things that everyone else knows too

may 16th, 2022

personally formalizing a plethora of named emotional categories of music which are each occupied by perhaps
only one work, in the hope that at least one of those many categories will come to be one that more works
(perhaps unknown at the time of formalization) turn out to fit into, successfully establishing a precise
niche which is populated & would have otherwise been difficult to recognize & demarcate

may 19th, 2022

the way i engage with the internet can sometimes feel essentially like trying to derive information from noise, which is
questionable. but i often feel that way in conversations too, out of an insatiable want to grasp what everyone's riffing
& jokes & stuff "mean" on some greater scale. so it might just be a property of me & not of how i spend my time

sometimes i feel like i am grabbing life's shoulders & saying each second, in reply to each
second of it that goes on around me, "okay, okay, i get it! objects exist in spatial relation
to each other & create very diverse dynamics! can you please tell me something else now"

may 20th, 2022

people walking around having their perceptions affected by outdated psychological models of themselves
& others that they read on wikipedia & internalized at a young age because the articles weren't adequately
signposted as things to be taken more as records of the history of psychology than at face value

may 22nd, 2022


june 15th, 2022

a vast array of mundane & commonplace cynicisms, each juxtaposed against a notion that
a lack of imagination to envision any better way to be is the only thing preventing
any given one of its practitioners from starting to cry like a baby in grief
over the way they've been permitting themselves to operate

i paid for a lady's groceries... it was only about twenty-five dollars. she was broke, trying to get some provisional stuff & several
jugs of water because the plumbing in her house was messed up. the girl watching the self-checkouts told her coworkers about it &
said to me on my way out that it was very sweet. when i got home i found a gift card in one of my bags. i think someone slipped it in

helping people financially is a curious thing to me. it's inarguably a sacrifice for their well-being, but only in a kind of
artificial way imposed by our mutually having to deal with money. the opportunity to relegate all of one's kindness to
something quantitative is fully presented, & i wonder if that doesn't have some kind of emotionally deadening effect

maybe i'm overthinking. if i harvest ten apples from a tree & give a starving person three of them, am i
gonna say that's unemotional because it's a "quantitative decrease of apples?" no, it's just less abstract

well, ok, before i started typing i had it framed a different way in my head, & i just remembered:

enabling a person to be permitted to buy water is not something where you're on neutral ground from the
start & decide to do something positive & constructive for them. it's more like sparing them from a kind
of violence. the whole world is functioning negatively in relation to their well-being, & helping them
is only a compensatory double-negative act against the violence lingering over everyone

both framings apply to buying it for them, but only the latter applies to risking legal punishment in
stealing it for them... trying to negotiate with the staff, on the other hand, would be very clean. but
only insofar as it can go before it just transfers the sacrifice to them, in the form of managerial
reprimand. it can only be "clean" for as far as it can go up the chain of command

i declaratively type things people already know but it's like reaffirmative mantras, almost, i guess

june 18th, 2022

keeping a playlist of all the songs you find, drawing from it when sharing music with people, & having a condition on which you
delete a song from it, which is that the person expresses that they particularly love the song. this encourages all the music that
passes through you being made to actually find someone it's particularly meant to find, instead of languishing with people
it's not so much meant for, & pushes to maximize the productivity of that sifting & shifting of people's awareness of things

june 20th, 2022

i tend to imagine going to the places that lie ahead of me & being a good person there. or at least, that's what i think i'm
imagining, in the moment that i imagine it. what i'm really imagining is looking out through the eyes of an inevitably
good person who happens to be going to the same place i am, to do the same things i plan to do, in the manner of
a good person but acting entirely independent of my agency. because i feel so disconnected from my agency,
i want to see & feel the experience of being kind as though being carted through it in a theme park ride

when i do something nice for myself like take the time to swing on the hammock hearing birdsong i feel
like i am doing something "just" even though it's only for myself, i mean this in a sense like i see myself
largely from the outside & regard myself as something to take care of. it doesn't exactly make sense

june 24th, 2022

imagine adoring the "pre-communicative honesty" of a person who is asleep, in that they can't possibly be anything in that moment
beyond what they plainly are, which is asleep, & how this can only go hand in hand with the simplicity of that condition, & imagine
looking forward sort of glumly to the moment they wake up & all kinds of tortuously conscious pretenses can return


june 27th, 2022

bleak character concept that keeps returning to my head:

someone who wishes they were like... naive enough to be an exploitable person, as opposed to their
current state where they feel world-weary & jaded, & this manifests as them exploiting someone
so that they can vicariously experience the exploitation that they themselves are carrying out

this feels like one or another cluster b personality disorder. i imagine
some similar drive might underlie at least some poor parenting as well

counterpoint: person who wishes they were naive and manifests this as working to preserve the naivete
and innocence of a person or persons in whom it is native. keeping the cat inside instead of letting it out

the dumb idea of "hard times make hard men... hard men make soft times... soft times make soft men...
soft men make hard times" etc is bullshit. there's enough unavoidable unhappiness and frustration
in the world that unless you're like rich and derangedly removed from human experience you can
develop a functioning sense of empathy and hope that things are good for other people

does the saying have an implied preference for the hard men?

yeah. you have to be an unempathetic stoic jackass
to make sure the world is safe and secure for ingrates

oh. it seems nonsensical for it to have a preference for either type
when it establishes a cycle that makes them each kind of neutral

that's true but also it's fascism brain thinking. history is an inescapable cycle
and it's good and noble and glorious to be one of the ones who suffers etc


a house cat does not really generally have much direct experience of the potentialities of
life outside the house. it is innocent to the realities of killing birds, getting in fights with
strange cats, sleeping under cars, etc. but it's an act of benevolence not to let the cat out

"Sham dustbathing raises an interesting question in animal behaviour, motivation & welfare.
Hens that have been reared in captivity without ever having encountered litter will perform
sham dustbathing. Therefore, it can be questioned how these birds, which have never had
the possibility to dustbathe in a functional substrate, perceive sham dustbathing;
do they yearn for something that they have never had or known (i.e.
litter), or are they content to sham dustbathe?"

i imagine them content. they aren't smart enough to yearn for things like a human can probably. maybe the
cat yearns to kill birds but even so. the cat does not get to go outside because outdoor cats live like
a third as long on average and wreck the ecosystem. i am not making very coherent points maybe

you can just type words


a human is intelligent enough to at least theoretically refrain from fulfilling those desires which
have destructive or antisocial consequences. but a human is also intelligent enough to feel
chafed if restrained from such fulfillment by an outside force. a cat is not intelligent enough
to refrain from such. maybe the cat chafes at not getting to go outside. too bad

july 6th, 2022

in taking medications that spare me from ever having to reckon with myself as a being capable of sexual impulses, i am
presented with a somewhat interesting system where i am capable of enabling, through the inactivity of not taking the
medication, the resurfacing of what is ultimately just a chemically mediated compulsion that typically arises & makes
itself self-justifying through its physiological authority, but, being inhibited & thus incapable of enacting that
self-justification, can never make any case for its un-inhibition even though it is very possible

july 9th, 2022

i wish the range of people i find particularly pretty felt more "unconventional" so that i'd have an easier time telling myself
it was based on something "forgivable" like genetics or whatever, instead of what i tend to tell myself now, which is that it's
just diseased, alien fragments of cultural conventions on people's bodies that are stuck embedded in my head & instructing
me to perceptually elevate some people over others in accordance with some dominating aesthetic order

july 20th, 2022

i feel like "i'm sorry" was taught to me at a young age as what felt like an impersonal ritual & it took me a pretty
long time to grasp that it really is a verbal tool devised against empathetic pain & that people actually say it
under the duress of a personal drive to obtain relief from that pain by expressing that they are feeling it

july 22nd, 2022

when one person insults or harasses another, i don't think it really matters what they say... it could be the deepest cutting
thing or the flimsiest pathetic insult that elicits an effortless comeback, either way there's really nothing stopping the
aggressor from introducing negativity into the other's headspace & if they do that then the job is kind of done. there's
about as much nuance to it as jabbing someone with a syringe & leeching out a bit of their blood, you either do
it or you don't. it's a stressful little degree of power that people just unavoidably have over each other

a lingering aftertaste from the period of my life where:

i equated the amount of suffering in a person's life to their degree of perspective & real, meaningful personhood (taking some,
like, hedonistic frat guy with rich parents as the extreme negative example), while feeling like i myself had not suffered enough

this trapped me in a bind where i didn't feel like i was meaningfully a human being, like i was excluded
from the meaningful level of existence that some people are ultimately lucky enough to gain access
to through what on its face is hardship. like i was cut off from reality & wasting away inside

but i also did not feel remotely entitled to criticize that condition, because i couldn't justify to myself the idea of
complaining about a lack of suffering. my oversight being that maybe the condition was really harming me, & my lack
of material suffering didn't make up for this still-undeserved situation where i was doing such a thing to myself inside

unless it was like a self-fulfilling prophecy where the unpleasantness of the condition did make me more real to some extent?

july 29th, 2022

the happy camping trip in 2019 feels a little poignant in my memory now because some friends got to spend time with a version of
me who wouldn't last all that much longer, since a period would later come where i had tons of things adhere to my awareness
in a significant way, things i can't pry off now. it's like, at least someone got to see that simpler, trimmer, less weighed
down me that i can't be anymore. i was in a little fresh grace period where i had finally become generally
benevolent in spirit & also hadn't had all the stuff adhere to me yet. it was a one-of-a-kind visit...

august 3rd, 2022

the first two volumes of early computer animation that we watched were generally entertaining, then there was
a quick drop-off where they clearly got sort of grating in tandem with more people actually becoming adept at
the medium... they tended to ironically be less entertaining the more they felt like actual accurate reflections
of the creators' visions, rather than a balance between that vision & the limitations of the medium

the aspects of the medium's more hesitant applications which showcased its newness & experimentalism, the newfound feelings
that only it could evoke, were left behind in favor of just using it as a new host for preexisting aesthetic standards & trying to
regress it to a tool for streamlining the reproduction of visual techniques born out of the process of traditional animation

august 5th, 2022

once, as i was leaving the gas station, i passed a guy right outside the door who i glanced at for just the barest fraction
of a second that it took to process how he was missing an eye & walked around with that empty eye socket exposed,
how the side of that eye socket seemed to droop sadly, but that droop was exaggerated down the side of his
cheek, forming a ravine, & i feel like there are other similar things to describe about him that i am
forgetting. i feel like there may have been some gaping quality in the region of his nose

i was kind of shaken as i walked home & over the coming weeks i kept re-confronting this new idea of someone
looking a way that just unavoidably might cause me to start panicking if i looked for too long, trying to decide if
that was a cruel way to regard him or if it was just something viscerally unavoidable, & being forced to think
about how absurd my desire to feel beautiful is when that guy was just a version of me who looks like
him & every incredibly beautiful person is just a version of me who looks like them

august 9th, 2022

i never laugh at movies or tv shows because things are only funny to me if they are insane & this excludes nearly all
constructed jokes in media because the ability to produce them seems to be consigned almost exclusively to people
who are too boring to make their jokes actually insane... devising & acting out insane scenarios is boring
because that's just what people do to be entertaining which makes it normal & not insane

i think things which actually happen are more prone to be insane, by virtue of the insane thing happening without
direction or external interference, which is an inherent boost in its insanity. this makes the subset of things in
movies that i find funny almost entirely occupied by unintentional things because the accident of their
incorporation actually happened, at least when compared to the authoritative planning of the director

or, to frame it differently, you could say that it's only through a lapse in a boring
director's meddling that something actually insane can be unwittingly included

i encounter far more insane things on the internet & every great once in a while i find a miraculous thing
which is clearly constructed to be comically insane & actually executed in a satisfyingly insane way,
for instance the burning cgi dinosaur video. i think this subset has a high overlap with short
title-less videos that are basically impossible to find if you don't keep them somewhere

august 11th, 2022

a person hopes to relate to other human beings through shared affinities for various artworks,
& this is a ritual around which they have a pessimistic suspicion & an optimistic hope

the pessimistic suspicion is that they are simply playing a clannish game of appropriating artworks into
flags, buttons, costumes, with which to string together the improvisational boundary of a fetishized ingroup

the optimistic hope is that a shared appreciation for a certain texture, timbre, shade, pattern, rhythm,
voice, or juxtaposition may function (in a way sort of impossible to pin down or quantify) as
a genuine rebus for an underlying temperamental, philosophical, or spiritual similarity

august 12th, 2022

i love love shredding text up with markov chains & poetically interpreting the resulting linguistic froth, i love the
powerful unpredictability of using an online service to translate english to chinese, using markov chains to scramble
the characters, then translating the characters back to english. i love these things but i don't do them so often
because i get overwhelmed at just how simultaneously easy & rewarding it is, like i could sit & do it all day
so i cut it off quickly because i'm not sure that i want to allocate as much time to it as i easily could

you can hear a tacky, miserable song on the gas station p.a. & do a dopey little dance to it, a dance that seems to say, "hey,
look, this is all pre-decided & piped in regardless of how we really feel about it, but we can still make something of it in
a way that rejects the standard two options, of either... resorting to snide parody, or trying to take on & embody the
music's prescribed character. here i'm just blowing its character out of the picture & replacing it with mine, blindly
appropriating it as the host for an expression of desire for everyday frivolity that sports a childlike indifference
towards the alien prescription, that doesn't waste time articulating rejection but visibly takes it as its
fundamental premise & works from there," that's what you can say with the dopey little dance

august 17th, 2022

a guy sent me a random instagram message & it inexplicably caused my phone to notify me of the past two hundred messages
in that window consecutively, playing the notification sound over & over. when i turned the screen on & saw the messages
piling up in the push notification, i briefly thought, with earnest excitement, that he was using some kind of computer
script to carry out a socially experimental act of sending a gigantic deluge of questions in sequence

august 21st, 2022

the guy i met over coffee

i mentioned the randonaut app, & he mentioned something he'd read about a
guy who set up a script that automatically marked him as going to completely
random local events listed on facebook. he forced himself to go to them all

i have to introduce more randomness into my life. things can tend towards closed, cyclical systems
if nothing comes to break them up, shake them up. omegle has already done so much on occasion

in fact, omegle has done so very indirectly much that it essentially proves to me that separate
grains of randomness which each achieve consequence can multiply on themselves powerfully

everyone has the tools. even just can be enough if you have a good set of rules in your head to link
to a website, a map, a calendar, anything. even just pen, paper, & a die can be enough if you use them right

but i have to be socially extant. what randomness i might introduce will only be
multiplied by how receptive i am. wherever i end up, i can't be a mechanism of the
nullification of randomness, of the negation of all potentials around me. it's scary

maybe, if i'm lucky, introducing randomness could be the mechanism by which i become receptive, by which
i find something, something, that might to some extent shred the filmy veil between me & the world, place
my avoidance in a nutcracker, act as spotlights from guard towers at last leaving nowhere to run

immature - demanding to have nowhere to run, rather than simply not running

august 26th, 2022

a recurring sensory chain:

i press a button. the same recording of the first four notes of the Westminster chimes plays. the door unlocks with
a small click. i go into a room that always smells the same. the phrase "everything still the same?" is said. the
quiet rushing of air conditioning & quiet, quiet informational speech from the television in the upper southeast
corner. after a varying delay, the sound of a door opening & one of two women says "Alex?" with a consistent
intonation. the rattling of a scale as i step on it. the question "how tall are you?" is said, always the same

the squeeze of a sphygmomanometer

the crux: the wetness of an alcohol swab on my arm. sometimes the phrase "big poke." a brief moment
of pain
, which persists to a greater or less degree through the injection. holding my breath, or rather,
breathing shallowly with my stomach, wanting the expansion & contraction of my chest not to transfer
to the arm & jostle the needle in my skin. for this duration i am staring always at one of two things,
depending on which room we happen to be in: one is only blank wall, but the other is a calendar

a comment on the thickness of the medication

removal. her hand pressing & rubbing to work the medication in a bit. a band-aid. the "it's
over" feeling. the standard amiable "walking me to the front desk" comments. the standard
"scheduling the next appointment" banter: "would you like to do another friday," etc

the phrase "you are good to go." stepping outside to the
freedom of the remainder of a day, a two week lease renewed

august 29th, 2022

first i will use google maps to measure the distance of a specific walk route. then i will pick an album (whose runtime i know
would be greater than the typical length of that walk), & measure out what percentage of its runtime has elapsed at the end of
each song. then i will find find the corresponding percentages of the distance of the walk. i will go back to google maps &
increment the measuring line to each of these percentages, matching a landmark to the end of each song. i will write these
correspondences down so i don't forget them. then i will listen to the album & go on the walk, pacing myself to be
at each landmark at the end of its song, & the music will correspond to space in a certain different way